Need Advice I Am The Wife That Found Out And Trying To Understand.

[sunshine9924 GG]

Brina,

As others have commented, I have seen that you are very angry and seem to have your mind made up about all of this, so I won't go down that road, but I do have some other words to add.

You asked why, why, why and why some more. Why does my husband wear girls clothes? Why does he masterbate with them on? Why can't he throw them out and just "quit?"

The truth is, there is no answer to why. To be honest, it doesn't really matter WHY. They are who they are. They are being true to themselves, and that's what really matters. Those who come out to the ones they love are choosing to be honest about who they really are instead of trying to put on a front and pretend to be someone they're not.

So few persons in this world, CD/TG or otherwise, are true to themselves. Many people try to be what the world or others want them to be and then they don't know who they are anymore.

They should be applauded for their courage to be honest with their partners/spouses when they risk losing everything just by being honest. Honest. A quality which is esteemed in relationships and CD's risk losing it all over doing the right thing by being honest.

I am AnnaMaria's wife, and I have absolutely no clue why she chooses to dress in women's clothes.

But it's not necessary to know why. True acceptance is just that, accepting someone for who they are, ALL of who they are without having to know why they are that way.

I don't even try to understand Anna's desire to dress because I will NEVER understand it. I will never understand it because I've never been in her shoes. I can only imagine what it's like, and I'm sure my imagination is a far cry from the reality.

I have to admit, that I did try to understand at first, but then came to the realization after many, many conversations over the period of months and months that although I did not understand, I was being blessed with the opportunity to know a side of my husband that I had never known before. I was getting the chance to be emotionally closer to him than anyone in the entire world because he chose to share ALL of himself with me.

I am trying to share this realization with you, because you may not come to it on your own until after many months of conversations with your husband.

Bottom line is:
A. - Don't try to understand - just work on loving and accepting
B. - You won't be able to cope with it overnight - it may take months or years
C. - If you truly love your husband, then don't give up so easily on your marriage.
and D. - COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE with your husband

Try getting to know the person you are bashing with glittering generalities before you crush him and throw him into the gutter without any tears on your part.

When I first found out about Anna, I cried for hours. I knew a little bit about it, but I though it was just a "panty fettish" because all he ever wore was panties and nighties.

One night, I read dozens of posts right here on this website which is how I found out the extent of the crossdressing, and I cried for hours because I didn't understand and I was scared. Many of the things you seem to be afraid of had gone through my mind.

It's so easy to go down the slippery slope and assume that the slightest hint of crossdressing automatically leads to your husband being a girl and liking men and all of the other assumptions you have mentioned. You will never know what is going on with your husband until you talk to him.

My greatest fears were that my husband was gay or that he wanted to be a girl full time without any regard to how I would feel about it.

After talking, I found quite the opposite was true. Instead of no regard for my feelings, my DH had all the respect in the world for my feelings because he knew how hard the adjustment would be, and still is, for me. He was willing to talk about boundaries, and never did he force the issue on me, to see him dressed or even talk about it. He didn't want to lose me, but he couldn't live a lie anymore. For him, hiding from me was more painful than taking the risk of telling me the truth.

Now, we are closer than we've ever been. I have not lost my manly husband. I have gained a much closer best friend. And while we still have a lot to work on, we know that we are working on it TOGETHER and that makes all the difference in the world to me.

One last comment I'd like to make is that it is unfair (you know, dirty pool) for you to go spilling all this to your friends.

It is your husband's choice to out himself, not yours.

This is about your husband, not you. Although you are angry with him, it is not your place to tell friends or co-workers that know him. That is unfair to both of you, and the pressure from others who could react the same way you have will only perpetuate more hatred of something they know nothing about.

[Dixie Darling]

Brina,

Having read most all of YOUR posts and spot read a number of the replies to them, I thought I'd add an observation or two to those already posted. In one of your posts you admitted that you wee the tomboy type. And in the next sentence admitted that you hated it. So my question to you would be: "Has the fact that you hated it made a difference in how you DEAL with it?" From what you've said you admit that you're still that tomboy that you hate being so much. Do you have any idea as to WHY you're that tomboy? My guess is that you don't have any idea as to why, and let me say here that I am NOT being critical of you because you're a tomboy. You've had the intelligence to recognize and ACCEPT the fact that you are what you are and to learn to live with it.


The causes for a heterosexual male to be a croddresser are very similar (in reason) to the reason you're the tomboy you say you are. In a nutshell you are BORN that way and you had no elective choice in the matter. Although some investigations have been made into the subject, medical science has yet to discover the reasons as to why 5% to 10% of males are crossdressers simply because it's a low item on their lists of priorities to research. There is indisputable evidence that a former drug called diethylstilbestrol (DES for short) was prescribed to many women who were likely to miscarry. This drug is a synthetic estrogen (female hormone) and it helped to prevent miscarriages in pregnant women. However, it wasn't learned for several years that this drug was causing some MAJOR side effects in the form of birth defects. Many males born to women who had had DES administered to them were born transgendered. Many of the females had even more severe birth defects that would show up later, such as a high rate of breast and uterine cancer. Once these problems began to be recognized, DES was banned from use in the United States in the 1950's, but continued to be used in a few other countries until the 1970's. It is STILL in use today as a cancer drug, but NOT for women who are (or may become) pregnant. Even though DES is no longer in widespead use today, with the number of prescription drugs in use today which are suddenly being pulled from the market, is it not feasable that some of THESE are also possibly responsible for some men being crossdressers?

DES is one of the KNOWN reasons for a male to be a crossdresser, but there are numerous other reasons that have been catagorized as highly possible. One of these is the "hormone wash theory" which takes place in the womb near the end of the first trimester of pregnancy. I won't go into detail aboit it here, but there is information about it in previous posts on theis forum as well as in other places on the web.

I've said all that to say this: Your husband didn't ASK or VOLUNTEER to be a crossdresser any more than YOU asked or volunteered to be the tomboy or have the dominant traits you say you have. However, when we are not given a choice in such matters we are forced to learn to live with whatever hand we've been dealt. Your husband's NEED to dress (and yes, it is a NEED) is not something that he simply developed a desire for. The root causes, although as of yet unknown, were in place the day he was born and unless someone in the scientific field makes some HUGE strides in discovering what those root causes are - AND finds a way to SAFELY do away with them, you can expect his need to be administered to in whatever way he can until such time as other solutions are in place.

I have not intended to say anything here in an antagonistic way, nor to dispute the way you feel about your discovery or situation. We are all individuals and we all have individual feelings and I want to respect YOUR opinions just as I want you to respect mine and the others who have answered your posts here.

For what it might be worth to you, I have a personal web site that just MIGHT answer some of your questions. It's a CLEAN site with a lot of common sense/down-to-earth information that could be of benefit to you AND your husband if you'd care to access it. The link follows my name below.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Dana]

One of the definitions of reality is: "There's the way things are ~ and there's the way things should be ~ the sum total difference between the two is reality. That's the point that you find yourself ~ your perspective of how things should be and the way that they are.

A couple of things. I hear you ~ and what you're saying, and I post the following from another site to articulate your feelings:

" Not Understanding That She's A Woman And You're A Man

I'm about to get philosophical on your ass, so be cool. When it comes down to it, most men don't understand women.

But the REAL kicker is that most men don't understand MEN, either! Most guys don't know what it's like to get in touch with their MALE NATURE.

Combine these two issues, and you get a guy who behaves in ways that DO NOT trigger ATTRACTION in women.

Women have a "nature". A female nature.

Men also have a "nature". You guessed it, it's a MALE nature.

Women are coy. They like to play hard to get. They like to enjoy the chase. They love anticipation. They love to "let a guy catch them"...

Men are competitive. Men are dominant. Men like to play rough games, win things, and rule their territory.

Well guess what? Most men don't BEHAVE like men when they're
in the presence of a woman that they "like". And since most men don't understand female human nature, they don't demonstrate that
they "get it" when they're with women that they "like".

Women like men. Men like women. There are POWERFUL causes at play here.

When you're around a woman you like, don't act like a GIRLY-MAN. It's not sexy, and it's not attractive...

And single women HATE IT!"

This is a quote from as I said another website ~ about how to "succed with women ~ and sleep with more women than Magic Johnson ever thought about.

You know what? Playing the traditional male role ~ such as described above gets old. Being the provider, having all the answers to all the questions, all the solutions to all the problems, be all to all, being in-fallable, strong in all instances and in all cases ~ never breaking down.

Women such as yourself ~ the strong, independent, self supporting, "I don't need a man, cause a man can't do anything I can't do myself!" attitude I avoid like the plauge. But, I don't go for the weak, needy type either. The kind of a woman I look for is the kind, that is a balnaced human being, and who see me as a human being ~ and not just a meal ticket, or her E-ride ticket through life.

Me? I'm a reited United States Marine. I've more than have earned, proven and validated my masculinity over and over again many times, Thank you very much. I sure and confident in who and what I am as a person, a man.

If you're staying together "just" for the sake of the children, then you're in it for all the wrong reasons ~ and its either going to blow up in your face ~ or your going to have wasted some of the best years of your life, and look back over those lost years with much bitterness and resentment.

I caught Dr. Phil, (Yea! That's right, I watch his show when I can catch it, I guess that that's just more proof positive evidence that I'm not a normal man/male) He was talking about couples that were divroced ~ and who were trying to get back together. He said time and time and again, that when he couseled couples, that it almost never fails that one of the two isn't so much interested in fixing the problem as they are in fixing the blame ~ or to put it another way, to have him (Dr. Phil) validate that they are right ~ and the other party is wrong! I believe that is what your doing here. Your seeking validation that you, your opinions, your perspectives, your attitude on the subject of men cross dressing is right, and that your husband's is wrong.

Why do some men cross dress? Well its like Dr. Phil said, whenever a person does something, even something harmful to themselves, or others, even the ones they love ~ they do it because on some level it works for them. They are fulfilling some need on some level, that they can't otherwise fulfill.

Why do men crossdress? Because on some level it works for them. Why do men crossdress? Ask a thosand crossdressers that question, and you more apt to get a thousand different answers than not.

For some it is sexual. For some it is a release from their day to day exsistence of their lives. For some it is expressing and experiencing femininty. For some, its mearly stepping outside of their lives. For some its a form of stress relief, for others, it can be any one of a number of or combination of things.

You seem to be limited in your comprehension of the concept of a man dressing in women's attire ~ to me because you approaching it from the perspective of bi-polar logic, and absolutism. Either its black or its white, either its wet or dry, its either light or its dark, either its feminiine or its masculine. And, in your thinking these are absolutes ~ and there seems to be very little room for you to conceive of even the exsistence of any gray area.

You almost didn't marry your husband because he was too emotional? Wow! Since you enjoy absolutes, find men expressing Human emotion so repulsive, perhaps you should consider men that are incapable of empathic feelings. Such as rapist, child molestors, and serial killers? That's why most of are capable of doing the horrendous acts they do ~ because they are incapable of empathic feelings.

I'm being facitiious of course. I'm just making the point that being with a man who shows emotion is not such a bad thing.

In talking to your grilfriends, I would hope you did so, in a "general conversational" sort of way ~ and given you emotional posts thus far to date, would be inclined to believe that you have. What you going to get from them, each and everytime ~ especially in a group setting is a spouting of the official "party line" when in-so-far as you know anyone of them is currently involved with, or seeking to get involved with a cross dresser.

Yes, that's right, there are women ~ who actively seek out men who are crossdressers. I realize that's hard for you to comprehend, ~ given that its such a horrific crime against the laws of nature, God, and the Church and all.

Right now, you're trying to get this thing wrapped around your head ~ when many of us here ~ have spent the better part of our lifetimes trying to do so. You're not going to find the answers to your questions in a day or two.

You're un-questionably angry, hurt, and feeling a tusami of emotions, which are sweeping over you, whilte the Storms of Life are coming one right after the other.

Most of all your greiving. And, you need to recognize the multiple phases of grieving. Anger, denial, etc. The final one is acceptance. Your grieving for the man that you married ~ or at least thought you were marrying, your griving for the marriage that you thought you had. Your grieving for the loss of the "dream" of the life you had hoped to have and to build with your husband. And, many, many more that I can't articulate ~ simply because I'm not you, living your life.

What I would strongly suggest at ths point ~ is to just put the subject up on the shelf for three months. Don't discuss it with DH, and ask DH, to at least try and not bring it up, and to keep it out of your face for the time being. You need that much time just to calm down, soak it all up, work through your feelings ~ emotions. You need that much time ~ to just even begin to get that wrapped around you head ~ let alone into your head.

Meanwhile, I believe that you and the DH need to get back to the basics and fundamentals of being a couple, of being married. I'm not saying that the DH doesn't have his issues to work on and to work through ~ any given man in any given marriage / relationship does. But, remember when you go to pointing fingers ~ you've got at least three pointing back you ~ and IMHO you've clearly have some issues other than just crossdressing. And, even if you walked out today, got on a plane to the otherside of the world, and started over ~ you're still going to have those issues. The major one is looking at the world through the perspective of absolutes, and bi-polar logic.

Hope this help. Use what you can ~ discard the rest!

P.S. Masturbation isn't cheating. When it comes to masturbation 98% of all men ~ even those that are married ~ do so! The other 2% are lying!

0.02

[confused]

I sent a little over 4 years in the Coast Guard, I was involved in the hurricane Katrina rescue. My 40 year old boat went straight through the hurricane, we picked up the dead in the ocean. I saw things I will never forget. The fact is there is a lot of minor things people worry about, money, cars, a big house, their career.
There is one basic question, do you love him? I am sure there are things your husband doesn't like about you. There are many worse things in life, spousal abuse, alchoholism, drug abuse, child abuse, etc.
Crossdressing is around the world. One of the migrant boats we picked up a year ago had a crossdresser. He came from Haiti. One of the Native American tribes in the U.S. in the mid 1800's were seen wearing womens clothing stolen from a wagon-train. In this Native American tribe they took this from nature. Basically since many male animals are brightly colored and decrative to attact a mate, so to the men of this tribe. The white men thought it was odd and put their own personal beliefs into what they saw (I'm sure you now what they though).
Clothes Don't make you a man, it's the actions of your life that do. Life is too short don't sweat the small stuff.

[Miriannah]

I think in my case as the wife a major issue is that my husband corelates this dressing to sexual desires. He watches porn and masturbates. So my issue that this is a sexual preference and my confusion is what is the sexual preference.Again as I have said in other parts of todays dialogue is he the girl or the guy?? My fear lies in if he is the girl then is there a transgender issue. But yet he is not attracted to males.Do youget where I am coming from??That is my issue..And what I need help understanding at this time..

Well, it sounds to me like your husband is a fetish crossdresser, most of which are essentially straight males who get off from wearing womens' clothing. You said earlier that his clothes were all slinky things that you'd associate with a trashy woman? Yup, I'm almost positive that's what he is, based on your descriptions anyway.

What is a fetish crossdreser? It's basically where CDing is just like any other fetish (such as BDSM) in that it stimulates sexual desire and intensity. The fetish crossdresers here are (aside from the crossdressing) pretty much just like any other straight male out there, so you're in luck.

If you try to have him stop, let me tell you that it won't work, even if he tries. Stop and think for a moment. What really gets you off, sexually? You don't have to post it here, (in fact, I'd rather you didn't! ^^)but just think about it for a few moments. Now, how would you feel if this was taken away from you? Would you not try to at least get it back briefly when you could? You can haul his clothes off to the dump yourself, but rest assured, he will get ahold of more, somehow. Hell, I tried to get rid of all mine many years ago and 'quit.' Guess what? It was a failure.

Lastly, is it so bad if his kids grow up around something like that? Sure, conservative/christian america speaks about how bad it supposedly is for deviating from the sexual norm, but does CDing really hurt anybody? Not that I can tell, but I'm not trying to debate it, but rather, I just want you to think it over for awhile. If anything, the kids will grow up being more open to other ways of life by being exposed to such a thing. That's good, right?

I wish you luck in all this, so please, think things through. I just hope you come to a decision that will make everyone (that includes you!) happy.

Edit: I missed this--

I want normalcy. And it is not selfish to want that whe it can be found.

Sorry, but I have to disagree. What constitutes "normal" really is different from person to person, which means there really is no 'set in stone' list of what is normal, and what isn't. By saying you want things "to be normal" what you are really saying is that you want things "to be this way." That...is selfish, and I say this because you are only considering your own personal feelings in all this--not your kids' and certainly not your husband's. Don't take what I say here as a personal attack, because it isn't. I'd just like you to sit for awhile, think things over from other points of view aside from your own.

Again, good luck and may things work out for the best. ^^

[Delila]

brina you sound very angry right now my advice is to calm down and try to think this over from what might be a different point of view. What if your gay ex started dressing would you stop being friends with him? I have to wonder what made you fall in love with this man you are with to begin with, I mean you say that he is feminine and not your type, well then why did you marry him? there has to be something behind it other than the kids maybe you should focus on what you love about him and not the things you hate about him, if you can't do that then perhaps you should not be married at all. marriage is about comprimise and while this may seem like a big one it may be the one that decides whether he is the love of your life or just another guy.

[rhondasxycd]

I just find it so ironic..That a women can be a Tomboy wear mens clothes do physical mens jobs play mens games and nothing ever be wrong with it..But wear a dress and want to go shopping play with a Barbie !!! Its morally Reprehensiable!!!!! My worthless two cents !! Giggle !!!!

[Amanduhrob]

My question to you is...Define "normal", how do you define normal?

You're admittedly a very drab, tomboyish person, and you claim you are the way you are because you couldn't find a man "strong enough" to take control of you. Maybe your husband dresses en femme because you aren't effeminate enough for him. Just remember that the domineering type of guy you claim to want is usually the one who ends up on Cops for domestic violence.

Semper Fi

[sharifemme]

Brina...

I am TG and I'm not going to lecture you but I wanted to welcome you to the board and let you know that I am here for you if I can be of any help. I know that a lot of times, the last thing a GG wants when she finds out is conversation from other TGs. However, I would be willing to share if that is what you want.

Shari

Oh where do i begin? A couple of months ago i found out my husband of only a few months was a cross dresser by finding a ton of clothes in his trunk. I was mortified. How could this be? You have a son. I have a daughter and i do not want this type of relationship. Don't get me wrong these were my thoughts at that moment. I am not insulting anyone. But we have the ideal life, 2 kids a cat a dog great jobs a beautiful home and now this?? Of course at that moment i said "it is over you know that right?" his response was i expected that. He has been married 2 times before and they found out and left him. Low and behold he had told me that they left for other reasons. Anyway i decided to stick it out because of the children i mean i would jump in front of a truck for them so why not sacrifice myself for their happiness. So i asked him to get rid of the clothes and think of the kids. Well i thought he did i saw them in the trash and then last week i was supposed to go away for a meeting and i had a sick feeling that he was up to something so decided to swing by the house to see and you betcha the clothes were laying on the bed. Ok guys/gals what is this i need to understand. I feel so lost so confused. I do not find the female race attractive at all, thus my dilemma with this situation. I love the male race the masculinity and the security they present. With my husband i never have felt this feeling, if i broke up with him he would cry. I dont cry with him or any other man. he is emotional. Me i could care less when it comes to relationships. Dont cry just move on whats the big deal? I almost didnt marry him because he was so emotional and sensitive and i need a man that is stronger than me and truth be told i am pretty strong, so strong that i too have been questioned of my sexuality by outsiders, but i love love men..anyway this is not about me but about my kids.. I do not like the dressing and many of you have said that your wives have found out. How do we cope? Is it that he wants to be with a man? I did find out that he took a toy and used it but said he did not like it. He said he is not attracted to men. But then why would you dress like that? I do not understand and need you guys/gals to help me. Please....sorry this is so long..and all i can say is thank you to all those who respond..

[TGMarla]

I love to dress up as a female, but I'm not at all attracted to men. If anything, my strong attraction to women is a contributing factor as to why I love to dress up. It's an old argument: I'm so attracted to women and femininity, I actually try to emulate them.

That said, I also accept that as a man, I need to be strong, and masculine. I don't reject this, either. It's a duality of existence that is hard to balance, but rewarding in doing so. Many men who crossdress become better people because of the empathy for women that comes with the crossdressing.

You married for the wrong reasons. You don't care about relationships? You did it only for the kids? I'd be resentful of the kids, then, if I were your husband. I want the relationship. The kids can reap the rewards of that relationship. But the relationship between the man and the woman is far more important than doting on the kids. By this, I mean, raise your kids, teach them, love them, protect them with your life, as they are the most important beings in the world to you. But when it comes to living your life, your spouse must come first, because it is the foundation that you two provide that allows your children to grow up in a strong home. Without that, your children will suffer the fate that so many of today's children suffer. They become disaffected, alienated, lost, disinterested, brain lazy, and resentful that their world offers them little. It all begins with a strong relationship between the parents.

If you can't handle his crossdressing, and you don't care about the relationship, what the hell are you married to him for? He and you both deserve better. Either understand that it takes both the masculine and the feminine to complete the circle, and accept that...grow as a person (both of you), or get the hell out.

[Anita Mae GG]

But when it comes to living your life, your spouse must come first, because it is the foundation that you two provide that allows your children to grow up in a strong home. Without that, your children will suffer the fate that so many of today's children suffer. They become disaffected, alienated, lost, disinterested, brain lazy, and resentful that their world offers them little. It all begins with a strong relationship between the parents.

If you can't handle his crossdressing, and you don't care about the relationship, what the hell are you married to him for? He and you both deserve better. Either understand that it takes both the masculine and the feminine to complete the circle, and accept that...grow as a person (both of you), or get the hell out.

WELL SAID MARLA!!!!!!!

[Sharon]

I don't have any additional words of wisdom that haven't already been said numerous times here, so I'll refrain from repeating them.

One thing though -- you came to us! We did not drag you in here to prove why we are worthwhile human beings -- it was your decision. It does no service to anyone to join the forum to just insult and belittle us and our lifestyles.

You have faithfully followed the "why crossdressing is wrong" script, not missing a single line, plus adding a few twists here and there that I do not see very often. It is my hope that you really take the time to read many of these replies your harangue has elicited, and reconsider your negative attitude about, what seems to be, just about everything. It will not only be good for your family, it will be invaluable for yourself.

[Joy Carter]

Boy has this thread ever opened up alot of eyes the Tom Boy thing himmmm that is one aspect of crossdressing I had forgotten about, so what about it ?
GG wears a ball cap, GG wears pocket tee, GG wears Tigers team jacket, GG wears guys jeans and cowboy boots ? She is accepted in society and in some cases thought of as sexy, A few may see her as a lesbian, some may see her as a fashion statement a trend setter some how breaking boundries that women have been denyed for so long. But a GM (genetic Male) well let's say I'd be wasting our time typing it out, hardly seems equil now does it ?
Brina I worked in a social agency and I delt with a lot of people and their problems I had a family that wanted their thirteen year old son out of the house because he was a CD. Their son who was their own flesh and blood no compromise just get him out of here was their solution. I was so sad about that case It bothered me for days, luckly I didn't have to follow it up. I have no advice other than what has already been given here you need to talk and talk alot take a break then talk some more, just try to keep the emotions out of it.

Good Luck And God Bless Joy Carter

[TGMarla]

I'd like to add something to my statements. Look, I don't wish anything bad on you. I might even like you if I were to meet you. We might even be friends. But I stand by what I said. Furthermore, you said yourself that you don't much go in for the feminine trappings, that you don't like dresses much, and that you're admittedly tomboyish. Of course, you being so conventional in all other ways, you absolutely hate these things on men. Do you understand just how hypocritical this seems? You come off as quite a hypocrite. You deny to others that which you dislike yourself. But you said you want a "manly" man. But you aren't yourself a very "womanly" woman. How would you like it if he were to take you to task for not wearing lipstick, doing your makeup and curling your hair, or wearing a pretty skirt once in a while? Doesn't he have a right to have this in his life, just as you have the "right" to surround yourself with all the trappings of manhood in the men you seek? You want the prototypical male: all hairy, telling off-color jokes, drinking a bit too much, picking his nose in public, adjusting himself in front of others, all while dressing like a lumberjack, yet you do not provide for your own spouse the prototypical female. Anyway, you settled for this guy, who is emotional, and in tune with his feelings, no doubt sensitive to your needs......all for the sake of the kids.....nothing more.

How hollow! How unfulfilling! I hope that when you one day find what it is you want out of your life, that you enjoy the taste. If it were on my menu, I'd choose a different entree.

[Annesah]

Where's J. Edgar Hover when she really needs him?

[Sedona]

Where's J. Edgar Hover when she really needs him?

No kidding. This horse has been riden each way and sideways, and still this thread is fascinating.

[ReginaK]

Ok just say for the sake of conversation that you were born with this, have any of you talke to your family physician. I am just curious?? Had your thyroid and hormone levels checked?? What about a little testosterone.

You should read up on some of the things the Nazi's did during WWII. They also thought crossdressing, homosexuality, and many other things were related to hormone levels. Upon injecting the above mentiond people with testosterone, the only thing they ended up with was a bunch of horny, hyper-agressive crossdressers and homosexuals.

Even today in parts of the middle east, if you're caught crossdressing, you'll be injected with testosterone to fix your supposed "imbalance". And that's if you're lucky. The police are completely free to beat you and kill you on the spot.

Then why do you guys jack off to it??Any one have an answer??And while your doing that are you a girl being done by a girl or a guy being done by a girl while you are dressed in girl clothes??

Everyone masturbates. Married, unmarried, in a dress, in pants, or completely naked. Calling masturbation cheating is akin to calling chewing gum dinner.

As far as what's being thought about, does it really matter? Everyone has an outrageous thought once in a while. Some people think about killing their bosses. Some people think about being rich. And rarely do any of them accomplish it. It's just a thought. For all we know, your husband could be thinking about chocolate chip cookies.

Thoughts aren't crimes and everyone is entitled to them regardless of what they are. It's completely unfair and even scary that you would use a person's thoughts against them. Regardless of your husband's thoughts, YOU are his reality and that's all that matters.

But most of you men have come to the conclusion that you can touch upon your femine traits thus thrusting us into this mayhem. Do you think I like pumping gas carrying in the groceries making more money because half the men in this world do not get it on how to multi task and make a ton of money( almost all my girlfriends beat their mens salary).

From this, it sounds like you have a problem with stereotyping. Let's play "what if". What if your husband meets your demands, stops crossdressing, becomes the manly unemotional man you want him to be. Would you be happy? Now what he did that in exchange for you being a womanly woman? And by womanly woman, I mean no career, pregnant, and barefoot in front of the stove all day? Would you still be happy?

My point is you look like a hypocrite. You'll excuse tom-boyish behavior as "survival of the fittest", but you'll dimiss any "excuse" for crossdressing.

Again as I have said in other parts of todays dialogue is he the girl or the guy?? My fear lies in if he is the girl then is there a transgender issue. But yet he is not attracted to males.Do youget where I am coming from??That is my issue..And what I need help understanding at this time..

If he doesn't like guys, it's safe to say he is the guy. But even if he does like to think he's the girl, is it hurting anyone? It's better it stays a fantasy than become a reality. As long as he is monogamous, his fantasies are pretty non-issue.

[Julie York]

I've been thinking about this thread all day.....And I keep coming back to the same thing...."That poor poor guy!"


I hope he can find us when he needs us.

[Ranee Daze]

Love that gets tested regularly is the strong love. Clearly, remaining in the closet, or trunk shows that he loves you and wants to protect what he has with you. He's not gay.

So you have some options here:
1- force him with an ultimatum to stop and purge. Well if you are looking for a road to hell, this would be the sign to follow.

2 - Talk to him about "managing" his dressing. Turn a blind eye if you must, but by giving him some regular free time and space to dress you will do two things. One,
free him from the fear of getting caught. Two, make him incredibly happy and grateful to you. This might result in a more happy, more loving, more relaxed, more commited man for you. Are you ready for all of that.

3 - Open your mind to sharing it with him. Everyone has an alter ego to discover. He probably doesn't really want to share it with you so much, but he might enjoy jumping from Betty (you) to Veronica once in awhile. Really, by creating a fantasy character for yourself you'l open the door for some real fun that you might really need in your life.

4 - Get educated. Go to Tri-Ess, here, whatever and get the goods on hetero crossdressers. We're really nice folks!

[Annesah]

Julie; Dear, you have just said it all.

Thank you TamaraGG. Hugs. Anne

[bobbiejo]

Iu f this is not the epitome of the pot calling the kettle black I don't know what is. I too would be angry had the two of us married and you Brina, did not share with me the fact that you are a crossdresser (you did say how much you dislike dresses, and how much of a tomboy you are), and the fact that you think as a man, dress like a man, think you are the bread winner, that you would pump your
own gas, my job, not yours, and that you are really nothing short of being a guy in female's clothing. Really. I have read each post and feel that you have really missed
the boat with your husband. There is no law saying you cannot wear guys clothes, and as far as I know there is no
law stating he cannot wear female attire. It is a social thing and one which while not in acceptance, is done daily
by more than any of us could imagine. My wife told me to
look at my femme side once upon a time, and guess what?
I have one. And guess what else? It makes me a far better friend, lover, father, husband and person. I am not
nearly as intolerant of others, and I have softened quite a
bit. Oh, I am still a guy, but now I get to enjoy far more
thanks to my lover, my wife, my confident, the mother of
my children, and my best friend in the whole world. How
would you like to be able to say that about your husband?
I find it difficult to believe that you went to your friends and actually told them about your husband's deepest secrets which he has only shared with you out of trust. You
have betrayed a sacred trust, one which can only make matters worse for him, you and possibly the children. Guess what Brina? I would be willing to bet that one of your friends was actually squirming in her seat hoping that
you and the others don't know that her husband is into crossdressing too. When others around me began this kind
of gossip, I usually get a big grin on my face as does my wife. Say, you never did say how old you two are? Just
curious as I am probably old enough to be your Father.
Hope all of this is helping you. Good luck to you both.

[Sam-antha]

Brina,
Your troubles have been thought about by many people for a quite a long time. ( Some 2,500 reads of your thread have been made and that is a lot of time spent) .
Have you been reading our thoughts, the advice, the opinions ? They are given here to help (a) you and (b) your man, in either order.
I suspect that by now he is more in need of help (than he was before) than you are, especially if he is not a member. He has no one to listen to he cannot not talk with friends about your discovery.
More so since you have talked in real time, face to face with your - friends.
I noted that when I first read your letter, but the import did not click in.

You should not have done that.

I hope it will not lead to trouble, either between you or with those friends one or two of whom may have a man like yours.
You both really need us.
Lets hear from you (or him, or both together, on the same keyboard, at the the same time perhaps) please.


Samm

[Danielle]

First off welcome and as a straight crossdresser I can tell you that is so difficult but not impossible.Time and pacience will be the tool to keep communication open,understanding is the key to start disecting the good and the bad that you don't like.He is a big man for me just because he had the balls to tell you..now the ball is in your hands???

[kittypw GG]

Brina,
Let me review a few of your quotes:
"I don not find the female race attractive at all".
"I really think women are gross"

Maybe the problem really lies with you instead of your husbands crossdressing. How can you find women gross? You are one are you not? Do you think you are gross and unattractive? You said that you are a parent how will you give your daughter or your son for that matter the gift of pride in ones self? You need to seek professional help and the sooner the better. I feel so very sorry for you that you have such trouble liking yourself. I understand the turmoil that comes with finding something out about someone that totally blows you away but you are taking it to extreme levels.

Here are some other disturbing quotes from you:
"Me I could care less when it comes to a relationship"
"I want normalcy and it is not selfish to want that when it can be found"

Maybe you are not mature enough to be in a grown up mature relationship. These comments indicate to me that you are married for all of the wrong reasons. Do you really think that you can just disregard the feelings of your choosen partner because it does not fit your fantasy of an ideal relationship?
What do you think that your are conveying to your children? Do you know what commitment is? You say you want normalcy but I don't think it is quite normal to find females gross or to have such conflict with ones self. You said your are a country club girl and then you said that you are a tom boy which is it? I get the feeling that you are so confused about yourself. This confusion may be exagerated by having to deal with the idea of crossdressing.

Here are some other quotes that show your confusion with yourself and your inner conflict.:
"I want a man to just take control"
"Dresses restrict my ability to dominate and control things".
Which is it? Do you want to control or do you want someone to take control?

Again I am getting the feeling that you have more of a conflict with yourself. I think that the new information about your husband has stirred up all of these feelings that have nothing to do with him. Again I would urge you to make an appoitment with a professional to help you sort out your issues and conflicts within yourself. You owe it to yourself and your children.

Now let me address your question about testosterone. I am also in the medical field and I have tested my husbands testosterone my self and it happens to be to the high end of normal. There is a condition called hypogonadism that some men have which leaves them with little testosterone and more estrogen and progesterone than the normal male. These men may expirence feelings of femininity or gender confusion. Upping the testosterone does not alway help these feelings. I happen to know one person who lives as a female now who is afflicted in this manner. I also have had questions as to where crossdressing comes from and why it exists. But gaining that knowledge really does not matter much. This conclusion has come to me after much self assessment. I don't need to understand it.
If I love my husband then I have to accept that it is a part of him. This answers another one of your questions: "Why are you accepting of this?"
It is because of love girl. Something I am not sure you are in touch with.
I am not at all saying here that being accepting means that you have to give up everything that you want out of your relationship.

We all have to find our comfort levels and set boundries. COMPRIMISE, TALK, LISTEN, RESPECT EACHOTHER AND LOVE EACHOTHER. Treat one another like you would want to be treated.

Lastly I will remind you of one more thing that you said: "I need you guys to talk to me with the truth no bull or smoothing it over"

Stick around and you will get all of this that you want.

Next time you address the forum use a little more compassion and listen a little more. We can and will help you if you really want it.

Best of luck to you , Kitty.

[ChrissyGG]

Kitty what a great response i totally agree with you!