I don't feel anything right now

[CharlotteCD]

I have been going through depression on and off over the past few years, and have been on medication for a period, as well as attending therapy.

I'd finally accepted that I am transgender, this isn't a fetish, it's not a kink, it's a legitimate feeling and I have accepted that I've felt this way since I was about 4 years old.

I am however just not feeling anything right now. I actually feel like I did when I was 22-27, and wasn't dressing so much.

I cancelled or returned all of the orders I made in November for clothing, and whilst I still look at the sales, I just think about how ridiculous I look, how stupid it would look if my wife saw me dressed.

This is also coinciding with some sexual performance issues for male me, where I'm also unhappy about how that aspect of life is, and how I look.

I know it'll come back, and the fog will be strong again one day, but it really does feel as though my confidence is shot, and with it my urge to dress has gone away as well.

Human psyche and feelings are weird.

[Stephanie47]

Not being a doctor, but I would think being in a state of depression will have an adverse effect on male performance. With some guys dressing gets the guy roaring, but then he probably is not suffering from depression. I always view our journey as dealing with self as one issue, and dealing with others as another issue. I think if you gain self acceptance, then the hurdle becomes how do you express yourself to a wife?

[DrFishnets]

I suffer from anxiety and depression and depression is a bitch. When my depression was bad I wasn’t crossdressing and being intimate with my partner. All I would do is cry all day or sleep and I barely ate and nothing interested me. It was horrible and I started experiencing depersonalisation and derealisation which was a frightening experience. I felt like I wasn’t living and in a dream and things appeared fake and unreal and I was having nightmares. Fast forward to now and my depression is getting better and I’m starting to get back to crossdressing again which is fun.

[kimdl93]

Yeah, I know how debilitating depressive moods can be. Just keep following the recommendations of your therapist as you work through this low spot.

[Debbie Denier]

Hi Charlotte. I always like to think of myself as a glass half full rather than a glass half empty person. I have dealt with depression accordingly. However sometimes in life circumstances and experiences can take you down. I experienced that during the pandemic . I thought the glass was shattered at the time. What has happened to you has happened to me. Particularly regarding gender and performance issues. Dont give up . It will come back. You will be better and stronger from the experience.

[BrittanyB]

I'm so sorry you're feeling (not feeling) this way, Charlotte. I can't say that I've ever been in a state quite like you describe, but I have been in some terrible states of mind in the past. Over the last several years though, I often keep in mind the phrase that Virginia Prince shared in Travestia magazine from the 60's and 70's.

KNOWLEDGE is the beginning of UNDERSTANDING
UNDERSTANDING is the beginning of ACCEPTANCE
ACCEPTANCE is the beginning of PEACE OF MIND
PEACE OF MIND is the beginning of HAPPINESS

I hope you find happiness, Charlotte *HUGS*

Brittany

[Karren H]

and my urge to dress has gone away as well.

Human psyche and feelings are weird.

Must be going around! Same here but pretty sure mine is due to my prostate cancer treatment interfering with my pituitary tumor treatment! Feel like I am in zombie land when it comes to dressing and a few other things. Even weirder are the side effects, hair and breast growth! And me not wanting to wear a bra! Funny in a sad way. Hope we both snap out of it sooner than later.

[GretchenM]

"Human psyche and feelings are weird. " Isn't that the truth!! A simple, but profound statement. And they can be weird for anybody and everybody. The brain is a mysterious place. We are aware of so little that goes on in there and we have control over even less. Nevertheless, it is a wonderful thing that never stops working so long as we are alive. And we understand so little of what goes on in there. Without it we are no better than an amoeba. And the worst is our brains can go haywire very easily and for no apparent reason. Problem is there is always a reason; we just aren't aware of what that is and only feel the results.

For the last couple of years I have been a bit like what you describe. But we also have to remember that when there isn't any dysphoria it can feel weird. A psychiatrist once told me that my depressive episodes, which are a bit like yours, keeps me from knowing what "normality" feels like and when my "normality" happens it can feel strange and like there is something wrong when there isn't.

Those of us who are prone to depression are accustomed to being depressed as our normal when it is really far from it. The brain chemistry is all messed up. Keep in mind that the brain does not innately know what is normal. And that is where the usefulness of therapy comes in. The brain is not self correcting. Like so much more, it does what it does because that is what the environment it exists in affects what it does and how it works with that. Therapy attempts to get you to think differently so the brain can adjust to a new perspective of the environment it exists in. But it is difficult process to fool the brain into thinking in a more positive way. Once the chemistry is out of whack by kind of following a sequence of thinking that results in a kind of self fulfilling negative prophecy it is hard to turn that around. Antidepressants help shift the chemistry but that has to be supported with different thinking and that is usually what a therapist is attempting to get you to do.

But what about the therapist? My daughter is a therapist and a good one, but the fact is most therapists have to see a therapist once in awhile. The constant exposure to the environment their clients live in can cause a problem for them by changing the therapist's brain chemistry. Weird! But true.

Also, as we get older we naturally change and are more prone to depression. And all the age related degradation such as changes in sexual abilities, hints of memory loss, etc., etc. can twist the brain chemistry around. I'm 77 and the last 5 years has been a real eyeopener as so many abilities that were strong just 5 or 6 years ago have all but disappeared. I hate it but I know it is simply getting old and like, CDing or anything else, we regretfully need to change our perspective and adjust our behaviors to compensate for reduced abilities. I have accepted that I have a large female-like side and that is good. But the difficulty is in figuring out exactly what that means in the context of the whole. It is now different than it was 6 years ago and mild mix and match dressing is so different from when I dressed fully that it concerns me, but the mix and match mode is actually the one that fits who I am now 6 years later.

Listen closely to your therapist and do what she or he suggests. And give those actions time to work by your trying to stay on track. In time it will work. Been there, done that a few times and it does work. But it is a lot of hard work and a bit of a battle to provide the kind of thinking that your brain can adapt to so it can change its reactions in dealing with the mountains of information that it receives. And all of that is not something you can be aware of - you are only allowed to be aware of the results of what the brain does in the background. In time those results begin to shift and you ae aware of that slow shifting.

[Diedre]

I suffered from terrible anxiety and panic attacks that would come out of nowhere for no rhyme or reason. To the point I would have to pull over while driving. I found a great Dr. who fully understood my plight. After some counseling and a daily medication all is back to about 95% normal. There is hope for your situation. Hang in there.

[docrobbysherry]

Charlotte, I was devistated after my ex and I split up. I lost all interest in women and sex. I was about 50 and went to a urologist. He found out I wasn't impotent. Soon after that I seriously got into crossdressing, as I had the house to myself every other weekend and 3 days every week.

Within the next year Sherry returned my sex drive and corrected my impotency issues! And, I still enjoy sex at age 80!

U r too young to have impotence issues. See a doc about that before u give up on yourself!

[Jessica Secret]

As someone who also suffers from depression as well as extreme anxiety, my thoughts are with you Charlotte. Our brains are very complex and life can be very confusing sometimes in many ways. It's important to remember to take care of ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually as much as possible.

[Aunt Kelly]

Depression is serious business. At best, it robs one of the happiness well deserve. At worst... well, let's just say that you don't want it to get worse.
Know too, that gender dysphoria can manifest the same way as severe depression. Seek counseling with someone qualified to deal with these issues.
You will, I guarantee, find yourself in a better frame of mind after working through, with a professional, whatever your issues are.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Charlotte, Just take Life one day at a Time >Orchid**00**

[Sometimes Steffi]

Charlotte

I've been diagnosed with mild depression, but It comes and goes. I've taken meds off and one for several years now. I've noticed that the meds that used to work don't anymore buy I got new ones that did. I've been through this several times. I decided that my current meds weren't working and I weaned myself off of them. For a while, I was feeling much better, but I've regressed since going totally off of them. I have an appointment with my neuro-psych next week and that's one topic of conversation. She knows that I'm CD/TG and has seen me dressed several times so it won't be a difficult conversation to have.