The humanity of it all

[Sometimes Steffi]

We have a family birthday tradition to go out to eat as a family. The person whose birthday it is gets to pick the restaurant pretty much without restriction. We had intended to go to this Irish pub about 40 minutes away from the house. I discovered this pub because I went to it a few times with the girls dressed as a girl. I was out without my wife but with her knowledge and permission, except that the probably didn't know the name or location of the pub. There may have been 40 of use girls occupying the back section of the restaurant, so we weren't hidden to anyone who worked there. The other patrons might have caught on, or just wondered about the group of "tall girls"

I don't think I cut a memorable figure as either a girl or a guy, but I always dress to impress. Our waitress was cute and petite but what really stuck out was the color of her lipstick, so I asked her where she got it. Was I flirting with her on a girl-on-girl kind of way? Maybe! Probably!! IDK. Would she remember me if she saw me again? In girl mode, possibly / maybe. In boy mode, pretty doubtful.

Anyhow, I checked in with "the wife" (normally, I would say my wife, but I'm kind of PO's right now and I'm not sure if she deserves the "my") this morning and admitted that I had been to this pub before "dressed as a girl" but I didn't think anyone would make the connection. I asked her if this would be OK. I got a hard "No".

Should I just "suck it up" and go someplace else, or have some kind of Talk, version 2?

[Marguarite]

Hi Steffi,
By all means suck it up and swallow it. If your wife is normally accepting and supportive respect her thoughts and feelings when she expresses them.
Don't tickle the BEAR. It's not worth losing what you have.

[docrobbysherry]

Read Maria's new thread just posted here!

[Crissy 107]

Hi Steffi, I do not know why you even mentioned that to your wife about being there as a girl. I would have definitely expected the answer you got. I also think it is not a good idea to go there now as you could blow up the acceptance you currently have. Good luck!

[Sometimes Steffi]

I was concerned about being recognized and outed (accidently) in front of the family, like, "I really loved that pink dress you were wearing last time you were here."

I compartmentalize boy me and girl me. I don't know what others may do.

[alwayshave]

Steffi, I think I would have kept that information to myself. I have been to a bar in Dupont where I go regularly in guy mode. Once after attending a meetup I entered the bar and had a couple of drinks at the bar with a bartender I know well and she didn't make me. So would a server who has seen you once in girl mode recognize you with your family. I think not.

[Taylor186]

Personally I wouldn't be worried about getting clocked by looks as my CD and guy presentations are quite different, but I would be concerned about getting clocked by my voice as I make no attempt to change it. (A few years ago I clocked a fellow CDer not by his guy look, but by his voice.)

[kimdl93]

Wow, between this potential conflict and the close encounter with the consignment store owner, you have had more than enough close calls for a while

[CharlotteCD]

I'm confused by your two threads. The first says that your wife doesn't know you wear dresses, but this one says that you told her you were dressed as a girl?

[BLUE ORCHID]

What a tangeled Web we Weave Sometimes,

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm confused by your two threads. The first says that your wife doesn't know you wear dresses, but this one says that you told her you were dressed as a girl?

Yeah, sorry about that. I tried for a little dry humor in the stories.

So, here's the real truth. My wife knows that I crossdress and "allows" me (if that is the correct word) to go out dressed. She was aware that I "was out with friends" (our codeword) both times that I went out dressed as a girl to this pub. There are even public pictures of me dressed as a girl at the Meetup that she hasn't seen. That's permitted under the (International Law) of DADT. LOL. My wife has never seen me dressed and I have never shown her pics of me dressed, so she technically doesn't know if I wear dresses (I do), skirts, pants, jeans, lingerie, makeup, breast forms, wigs, etc. Of course she can make educated guesses, but I don't think that she is interested in this type of education.

OK, girls. I know the informal rules. If there are no pics, it didn't happen.

And look, it's a skirt, not a dress. But the first time I went there I wore a jean dress. I can't forget that because I got a compliment on my dress from a GG as I was walking to the pub.

[SaraLin]

It's too late now, but I think that if I were in that situation, I'd pick another restaurant to begin with. If there is any risk of your two worlds colliding with your wife present, why take the chance?

OR

You could have told her that you liked that restaurant, but that you've been there "with your friends" and if she didn't want to go there, you'd understand.
Then simply picked somewhere else after she gave the "hard NO."
I don't see where this is any need to "suck it up." There are plenty of restaurants out there. Just pick one you haven't been to as Steffie. It's no big deal.


I must say though, it bothers me that you're angry with her for not wanting to go there and risk it.
Please, please - respect her and her feelings, not resent her for them.

[GretchenM]

In light of the other post you laid out this morning, the one about the grocery store encounter, I think the answer is pretty obvious that you should go elsewhere. In your situation, pushing the envelope is hazardous. Otherwise, I agree with Sara's perspective.

[GaleWarning]

I think you are leading a double life, and this is going to cause you and your wife a lot of grief somewhere down the line. It's balancing act and you are going to fall off the wire at some point.
Not 'if', but 'when'.
Sorry to be blunt.

[Sometimes Steffi]

You could have told her that you liked that restaurant, but that you've been there "with your friends" and if she didn't want to go there, you'd understand.
Then simply picked somewhere else after she gave the "hard NO."
I don't see where this is any need to "suck it up." There are plenty of restaurants out there. Just pick one you haven't been to as Steffie. It's no big deal.

Sara

That's exactly what I did. After the "hard No", I picked another place and we went there today.

I did feel that there was very little chance of getting the same waitress, getting recognized as "that girl" from the Meetup, and having her spill the beans. But, you're totally right. If I really thought about my Safety Engineer training, I would have assessed that the probability of failure is very low, but the consequence of such a failure would be "Rock my World" catastrophic.

Thanks for all your advice. I listened.

Gale

Living in the DADT world is living a double life. I try to weep my bold world compartmentalized from my girl world, but it does create a lot of risks. The alternative of no girls world has its own significant consequences.

[docrobbysherry]

My opinion of, and my DADT arrangement with my grown daughter, was that she knew where and when I would be dressing and could always avoid seeing me. Other than that, we never discussed my dressing again!

I consider what u and others here call DADT to actually be: LHC- Lie, Hide, and Cheat!

[Sometimes Steffi]

Pics are the proof.

Christmas 2022 Sitting small.jpg

Christmas 2022 Standing small.jpg

[Genifer Teal]

I think I'm speaking for a lot of people when I say I'm so confused! Your humor is getting lost in the confusion. I get it and it's kind of funny you might want to slow the roll on that so people understand your point.
With that said, you're worried about getting recognized why are you picking the place? It took me a while to realize it was your choice. That's just dumb! I understand if someone else pick the place and you felt required to attend you know family obligation stuff. If it's your choice pick a different place end of story. LOL is it the only place in town to eat? Maybe I'm missing something.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Reader's Digest version:

We have a family birthday tradition to go out to eat as a family. Sunday was my birthday (The big 70).

The person whose birthday it is (in this case me) gets to pick the restaurant pretty much without restriction.

I wanted to go to this Irish pub that I had only gone to dressed as a girl.

I didn't think that I would be recognized upon returning, but I wanted to let my wife know, in case I was recognized. I didn't want my wife to be surprised if the waitress said something like, "I think I recall seeing you at the TG Meetup group."

I asked my wife if it would be OK to still go to this pub. I got a hard "No".

I picked out another restaurant to go to. NBD. It's just that my boy like and girl life are quite compartmentalized and don't intersect. I didn't anticipate this intersection. I guess that boy me can't go to any restaurants with his family that girl me has gone to. It's tough being under cover all the time.

[GaleWarning]

Perhaps it is just me, but I am struggling to understand why you would even have considered going to the Irish Pub for dinner. Given your circumstances, I would have thought you would realise the futility of even thinking to ask your wife's permission!

If you really do keep your two lives compartmentalised, then the first thing to have done was choose a restaurant where you DON'T go as Steffi.

The story makes no sense to me.

Not even a brain fade at age 70 is an excuse.

[TheHiddenMe]

I understand why you wanted to go. Fun to be a guy where you've been a girl. Sort of an inside joke.

I think the waitress recognizing you was slim. The odds of the waitress you encountered the previous time working when you wanted to go with your family is slim. The probability of the waitress, if she was working AND recognized you saying something is likely less than zero.

You knew when you told your wife that she would say no. Why did you put your hand under the hammer so you could smash yourself with it? That's the real question. And I suspect you wanted something to be angry about with your wife, not that it sounds like you need reasons to be angry with her.

Look, I understand that wives can make unreasonable demands. Your wife has boundaries but she is OK with you going out, but doesn't want to know. REPEAT: SHE DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW.

So quit being an idiot and go out and don't tell her and don't complain on here how she is being unfair with you, just to get sympathy here. Grow up, go out, and quit moaning. You'll be a lot happier once you realize she ain't changing, and you're the one being stoopid.