Is a DADT Relationship a Healthy One?

[Alison-Mary]

Hi

Is a DADT Relationship a Healthy One?

Was just wondering about peoples thoughts on this matter?

Thanks
Alison

[Cheryl T]

I don't feel it is.
You are always hiding even though the other party is aware and I'm sure it causes stress that goes unspoken. Over time that will only hurt parts of the marriage.

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

DADT is often denial which can cause conflict that can damage a marriage.

[Crissy 107]

As someone who is in a DADT marriage I can say that without a doubt it is better than being in the closet with the SO not knowing anything. That has to be more stressful for the CD I would think, also if and when the SO finds out there could be all sorts of issues to deal with.
Would I like more acceptance, yes of course, but I am ok with where I am now.
Just my 2 cents worth.

[Di]

Myself I would not want that because I wanted involved.

But
For many it does work and can be healthy

I mean a REAL DADT not a I told her I like panties …..so I told her and the CD continues to hides everything else. ( some here do that )
A real DADT is usually when it was hidden for many years ( back in the day people did not have resources to know it is not unusual)then the cder comes out and truth, discussion on both sides and I wife comes to the conclusion she does not want to see or talk about it. Boundaries are agreed upon and occasionally things are renegotiated.
That works.
But the fake DADT … also ones that swear to their wife they will never do it again nonsense is like a bomb ready to drop.
IMHO

For the young one’s reading…..before marriage work this out or do not marry. The need to dress always comes back don’t kid yourself. It is much worse later with finances combined, homes and children. Sort this out before….it is nothing to be ashamed of and it is a part of you.

[char GG]

Di explained this very well.

Personally, I know when my husband is trying to hide something and would be very angry/hurt if he tried to hide a big part of him.

If it's a REAL DADT, (as in the wife knows but specified that she doesn't want to see or hear about it); then it's probably healthier than, "I'm not going to tell, so that she won't ask."

[audreyinalbany]

thats a loaded question...a DADT can be a healthy relationship. I don't think it should be the single thing that makes or breaks a relationship.DADT can be negotiated without making the relationship necessarily bad. A wife or SO may acknowledge that crossdressing exists but chooses not to participate or witness

[Aunt Kelly]

Compared to what?
One based on deception, keeping everything from the other partner in the relationship? Yes.
One based on openness, honesty, and mutual respect? Not so much.

[ReineD]

It depends on the type of DADT.

Some wives know about the CDing and they recognize that their husbands need to dress occasionally, but the wives prefer to not be involved. If the wife knows that the husband dresses when she is not around and this doesn’t affect the quality of their marriage, then DADT works for them. This arrangement is what I think of when people mention DADT.

If the wife knows about the CDing and she wants her husband to not dress, then CDing behind her back is not DADT. It is lying. In this case it is imperative that the couple negotiate some sort of compromise. The wife needs to understand that the husband cannot stop, and so allowing some time for the CDing when the wife is not around will allow the husband to not lie about it. In turn, the husband needs to respect his wife’s difficulties with accepting the CDing and he needs to not go overboard with it.

[Karren H]

No one has gotten sick or died in our DADT relationship. So far.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Allison Mary , We have a Very Workable DA/DT, MyWife knows about everything,

She just don't want to see me while while I am dressed, >Orchid**OO**

[Steph_CD_62]

I don't think it a great way to have a relationship, however it is better than have to hide in the closet.
But again, there is no right or wrong answer, and every relationship is different.
If your S/O doesn't mind you crossdressing but doesn't want to see it a DADT relationship should work.

[Heather76]

I don't understand DADT. To me, it's as though the spouse/SO thinks if they don't talk about it, it will go away. Of course, we know it won't go away. While they may not like that you CD, if they know, then it really is to everyone's benefit to be able to talk about it. I don't for a minute mean to imply your CDing should be a constant topic of discussion. But, once in a while you, or her, may feel the need to talk about it. Putting any discussion topics completely off the table does nothing to foster open communication.

[docrobbysherry]

Mine worked! I had to tell my adult daughter before she caught me!

She didn't approve or ever want to see Sherry. So, I told her when and where I was going to dress around the house and she either made sure to be out or in another part of our house. It worked well for 5 years. She moved out and we had no issues in our DADT arrangement.

But, many here think DADT means Lie, Hide, and Cheat!

[Crissy 107]

Heather, We all know it will never go away but our wives just do not understand that and think it was a phase. My wife did and I told her otherwise but she did not care to hear that.

Doc, I hope most here in a DADT relationship do not think it means lie, hide and cheat.

[Always Susan]

I think Reine is spot on with her definitions of DADT. Thank god that my beautiful wife and I have the first kind of DADT.

[Judy-Somthing]

Not for ME!

[Debbie Denier]

Depends on the circumstances. For some it works others it doesn?t. I feel it can create a barrier in the relationship.

[SaraLin]

Healthy? Um,no.
IMO - Anything that makes a person hide or suppress a part of who they are, isn't healthy.

Harmful? Not necessarily.
Nobody gets everything they want in life but if you and your partner can reach a workable compromise, it can work.

[DianeT]

Healthy may be the wrong way to put it. Two adults can reach a compromise that works for the couple and be satisfied with it even if that means not telling everything. Is it healthy to not tell everything? That entirely depends on the individuals. As long as it is agreed between both parties, from full transparency to DADT and all the nuances within, I'd say go for whatever works for you and your wife.
I am not in DADT since my wife and I talk openly of the subject. She knows when and how I dress to the full nines, I just don't do it in front of her and she hasn't seen pictures. But I once dressed in front of her in MIAD mode.

[GretchenM]

IMHO, the GG's have grabbed the brass ring, as is often the case in these kinds of things. Di, Char, Reine? How do you do that?

For my wife and I it works nicely. We respect each other's wishes and thoughts fully. I may present a very slightly female-like look in her presence and that is OK. But it is mostly that I behave in a more female-like way - gentle, helpful, listen carefully, engaging in conversation in a way that involves more asking each other questions rather than male-like where the man tends to make statements and the woman nods her head and asks questions and stands by her man, etc.

She is well aware that in private I can dive deep into the female-like physical expression. It is an excellent arrangement based on trust and mutual respect for our differences in some ways but also over a half century long love affair that was filled with secrets on both sides. We partition our lives in ways that allows freedom for our individuality but a tight bond in mutuality. Would she prefer it be a more "normal" living arrangement. I think both of us would, but that is not going to happen. And that is OK! Now there are few secrets.

But I suspect in relationships where those factors do not exist and there is always a kind of tension over this issue that would eventually be burdensome to some degree. If you are not really willing to share your lives freely and learn from your differences and marriage is a quest to mold each other into your dream boy or girl then you might be better off single and comply with stereotypical and traditional value. It is hard work for both of us, but it does work if you can find that sweet zone where the two of you can fully and honestly accept your unique differences.

It wasn't always that way - it was more traditional with secrets on both sides for 43 years. But since I came out and we both went to therapy regarding my gender issues it has been wonderful although restricted BY AGREEMENT and understanding. She doesn't fully understand how I am that way in a practical sense mostly because she does not exhibit trans traits, but she does understand the needs of a somewhat trans person who a few times a year needs to be able to look in the mirror and see a woman looking back that looks a bit like me. But the rest of the time I need to carry my stuff in a gender neutral bag and wear pink, purple, lavender, and other stereotypically female colored shirts, but mostly present myself in a cheery way like a lot of women do and be helpful to others - a bit nurturing. She knows the "weird" side is still there but the female-like behavior that bit of "weirdness" brings to our relationship is extremely comfortable. She gets the best of both worlds and so do I.

[Brenda456]

It is not ideal, but for me, DADT is better than some alternatives.

[NancySue]

I don?t think it is as it borders on secrecy and dishonesty, the two primary reasons I took the leap of faith and told her before we go married. Her acceptance was partially based on my courage and honesty. Having a supportive wife is wonderful. I totally respect women?s ESP. During our talks, she indicated she knew I had a thing about women?s clothes. She was right.

[EmilyShy]

DADT works perfectly. To me it's like cell phone privacy. We all know the each other do things on their phones but don't see the need to tell or the need to ask. Or when you're at work. Parters know we are at work yet we don't volunteer every thing that happens nor do they ask. Just like dressing. They know we do it but don't ask nor do we tell. It's all about trust. But on the same note if either partner asked about any subject eg what you googling or what did you do at work or more so how was the dressing the information is (should be) honest and true

That's how I see it if you know what I mean

[Crissy 107]

For every member in a DADT relationship there are that many different variations. No two are alike