Losing friends

[LisaMarieDayton]

I came out to my family, coworkers, and friends that I would be transitioning to a female about 4 years ago. It went as could be expected. I got a lot of support, a lot of ambivalence, and some hate as well. One of the most surprising things though is that when I came out to my guy friends they fully accepted me! The didn't see me any different. They called me by my preferred name and pronouns. Saturday nights was always 'guy' night and we would play Playstation three Saturdays and go out to BW3's on the fourth Saturday every month. They kept me in the group. I felt so relieved. I invited them to my wedding and one of them was even my 'Man of Honor.' They were so happy for me.

But over the last year, things have started to slowly change. Hanging out on Saturday nights has been a consistent thing we've done for ten years. Instead of playing Playstation every Saturday, it became one to two times a month. Instead of going out to the bar and watch sports once a month, it turned into every 2 months or so. It's been about 4 months since we've all gamed together; more than 8 months since we hung out. We used to be in a group text chat and would post funny memes and make fun of each other's mom's and such. Now my texts and stuff go largely unanswered. I asked repeatedly if they want to get on the Playstation, but they say they are too busy. I have tried on 3 occasions the last several months to go to BW3's and get caught up, but they always come up with some excuse why they can't make it.

I saw on Facebook that last Saturday they were all out at BW3's and I wasn't told about it; or invited. I got ahold of my Man of Honor and he apologized that they didn't think of inviting me. I got a text from them tonight saying they will try to let me know next time. I also found out that they still game, but they play on Friday nights now.

I read about how friendships change after transitioning, and should have seen this coming. I understand that I am no longer one of the 'guys' and I won't take it personally. My Man of Honor and I are going to catch some drinks and a movie this coming weekend so at least I still have one guy friend left lol. I am touched that they have accepted me and supported me. It is interesting though going through this social transition. While I have lost a lot of my guy friends I have gained a lot of female friends. It is unusual going from talking about video games to talking about make up and clothes. My new CIS female friends have included me as I was one of them. While they may not play video games or eat hot wings, they are very fun to be around and are just as good as insults as my guy friends were.

I am going to miss my guy friends, but I am glad I am making new female friends. So I guess what I heard is true; Some friends will end and new ones will form after transition.

[NjJamie]

LisaMarie, I'm sort of happy AND sad to read your post, losing friends is never easy and gaining new ones takes care and time.

As to your former "gang", it could be that they are having trouble with the changes you've presented, tried their best to accommodate but likely were probably growing out of the gaming along the way. I know I've had good friends who were there for anything and everything but we've all gotten older and changes are normal.

I would say that your transition went extremely well, please consider yourself very lucky, especially to have one of the older friends join in your wedding party! I will say that I try to treat all friends in a similar manner but will admit to a much saltier language and set of jokes when only among guy friends, would never drop certain words or comments around women unless I was the last one doing so. You found yourself and that's awesome, they accept you as you wish to be seen, another ton of awesome, so glad to hear you've made new friends as well. All in all I'd say your winning, easily an A+ in anyone's book, hope it helps others looking to follow the same path.

[GaleWarning]

I wonder if your being married hasn't something to do with it?
On the other hand, we all change and move on as time marches along.
I agree that you should accept that your transition has seemingly gone very well, and that you should not grieve too much over your losses.

[SaraLin]

I'm thinking it's a sign of just how well your transition went (is going?).
You're not "one of the guys" any more, and they can't comfortably have a men's night with a woman tagging along.
It's almost as if someone had invited his sister to join the group - "nothing against her, but..."

Your life has changed - apparently very successfully.
Embrace it.
Hopefully it won't be long before you'll be enjoying girls' nights with your new circle of friends.

I am wondering though - how does your spouse like your going out solo and hanging out with others, now that you're married?

[LisaMarieDayton]

Ironically my ex wife that was non supportive of me hated it when I hung out with the guys (pretransition). After my divorce and remarried my new wife has no problems with me going out with friends: male or female. It doesn't bother me when she has a day with her friends at all. And while it hurts that my friends are moving on, the fact they accept me and see me as a female proves to me that they are great people. Them not hanging out with me isn't because I'm trans, it's because I'm a woman.

[mbmeen12]

The longest tournament chess game (in terms of moves) is 269 moves. In theory, the longest chess game can go up to 5,949 moves. So my point is, when deciding to transition I corrilate life and the possible potential changes ie friends, finances, work and relationships....

[kimdl93]

It is possible that the change is broader than a reaction to your transition. As we mature and our lives become more involved with work life and family obligations, activities with friends, there is simply less time available for things like trips to the bar to watch games or afternoons playing video games.

[Cheryl T]

Friendships change for many reasons and transitioning is only one of them.
Over the years I've had friends, who like you and yours, spent a night every week for a decade or more doing things together. Then somehow it begins to slow down and eventually it's gone. Nothing lasts forever, not even friendships. Those that do are few and far between.
I can say that I have one friendship that has lasted for 60 years and another that is pushing 50. But all the others have faded into the past. New ones come, but I don't see them setting any records.

It's the way things go.
When things get tough you find out who true friends are.

[sarahcsc]

When things get tough you find out who true friends are.

Thank you for saying that. I haven't been back for a while and was growing nostalgic, hence I peeked and found this thread.

Recently, a car accident left me with a broken leg (amongst many other broken bones), and I had nobody but myself to lean on. In my solitude, I started to reflect on all the people who have come and gone. My transition meant that my family had left me (partly my decision too) while my partner of 10 years decided she couldn't take it and wanted a separation. Friends have ghosted me too whenever I asked for help. I don't blame them, very few understand what I need as a transwoman. Most importantly, I don't feel like begging. Any help that comes at the cost of my dignity is a price too high to pay.

One of my best friends was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 months ago, she has no idea how long she has left in this world. I felt so sad... and so lonely. I wanted to spend all the time in the world with her, but I couldn't compete with her friends and family.

I have also resigned from my position at the hospital after being assaulted by a patient (he was psychotic, and I was his psychiatrist telling him to take his medications). The resignation meant that I was cut off from my team of nurses and junior doctors which further exacerbated my isolation. Bah, I hated my line manager anyways.

You are right, Cheryl. Relationships rarely survive the ravages of time. It is better to maintain an open mind and allow people to come and go. I don't believe in trying too hard, especially when it comes to reviving a lifeless friendship. But that is a personal choice. I understand many will beg to differ.

I feel adrift... in the middle of an endless ocean. Lost but content, helpless but determined, tired but I can't rest.

S

[bridget thronton]

Hoping for better things for you Dr Sarah

[mykell]

Sarah so sad to read of your accident and loss of family....

One of my best friends was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 months ago, she has no idea how long she has left in this world. I felt so sad... and so lonely. I wanted to spend all the time in the world with her, but I couldn't compete with her friends and family.

she is your best friend but you feel you have to compete.....dont feel like your competing....you will be supporting her....

i hope you know that when your here there is no begging....no solitude....no isolation

you will have support....understanding....relationships....frien dships.....maybe virtual, but real....may you find peace with us....

i share a date with you....it is our birthday....it is coming up soon and although we are on different paths i have slowly began my transition and it is quite unexpected.

i hope you take full advantage of what is available here for us sis.....

[Jamie Lynn]

If she is your best friend but you stay away because you feel that you have to compete with others.........Do you think that she might feel that she's been abandoned by her best friend???

Food for thought. Wishing you the best!

[sarahcsc]

If she is your best friend but you stay away because you feel that you have to compete with others.........Do you think that she might feel that she's been abandoned by her best friend???

Food for thought. Wishing you the best!

Just because I think she is my best friend, doesn't mean she thinks I'm hers. haha.

We ought to know our place. But thank you for the advice.

I still bug her now and then, but she's got her hands full.

[kimdl93]

Bugging your friend now and then may be all she can handle at this point. Its a way of letting her know she is still in your thoughts. Sometimes that?s all we need to do.

[Cheryl T]

Friends.jpg

I think this sums things up