Is your spouse ashamed of you?

[Bea_]

I'm finding that I'm becoming less and less content to go along with societal norms and feeling the need to be "that guy". I'm unashamedly male with a feminine aesthetic, so the beard stays and the rest is still in flux as I try to pin down a personal style. But, that style definitely strays from "normal.

My wife is tolerant AT HOME but wishes i were different. She would be totally ashamed if I presented with any of my more feminine side on display. So, my question for others is...

Is your wife ashamed of your feminine side?

I guess a follow up question would be... How do you reconcile yourself to that fact?

[celine.crossdresser]

Dear Bea,

I discover myself as a crossdresser together with my wife (my introduction post have the details). In my case she likes the feminine side and thinks it is much more sexy when I'm mixed up (i.e. in boy mode with makeup or using only a male shirt open revealing a bra), but she is not confident (neither do I) to let me show myself this way in public. Society (at least here in Brazil) is still very conservative and we always think on what we can loose if I go show my feminine side to the world.

So enjoying, the fact that I can be a feminine man, privately is the only way to go. Funny thing is, if I present myself full dressed and dolled up, she still have afraid of bad reactions from society but she is more eager to go out with her "girl friend". This is very contradictory, but this is the way we can go.

[EmilyShy]

I'm not sure if my wife is ashamed of me but sometimes her facial expressions shows she does not approve. She has said that she worry's about someone seeing me and the uncomfortable reaction. She tolerates my wanting to dress buts as far as it goes lol

[mbmeen12]

"So enjoying, the fact that I can be a feminine man, privately is the only way to go"

Well said.... Now as to your closing inquiry, what now, need vs want ie staying married? That is up to you.

[Kris Burton]

if I present myself full dressed and dolled up, she still have afraid of bad reactions from society but she is more eager to go out with her "girl friend". This is very contradictory, but this is the way we can go.

If I understand your comment correctly Celine, I do not find this contradictory at all. She enjoys your feminine side yet worries about your safety in your environment. If she is eager to go out with you as girlfriends she can enjoy your presentation in that mode while at the same time providing some cover and protection for you. Sounds like a good arrangement to me.

[Debbie Denier]

The honest answer is yes. When she discovered my stash and made me purge. One of her comments was of being so ashamed. She could not share her discontent with her family or friends .Her answer was stop and get rid.It wasn?t open to negotiation.

[Geena75]

If my wife knew about Geena, she would most definitely be ashamed. "What if someone we knew saw you!" I can hear her saying. I don't anticipate acceptance if/when we have "the talk."

Given how many times she has been embarrassed by me in regular male mode, I hate to think what she would think about be in Geena mode.

[Crissy 107]

I am not sure she is ashamed but she is not happy. I would say her biggest fear is neighbors and friends finding out.
I have a strong suspicion that she has confided in her best friend. The reason I say that about her friend is that I was going to a plastic surgeon for a skin cancer and she mentioned maybe I could also get some breast implants.

[laurenchanning]

My wife isn't ashamed- She shops for me and is totally accepting. It helps that we worked through it before we got married and have good friends that helped us along as well. I love her and feel loved- it's better than I ever dared hope.

[alwayshave]

No, thankfully my wife is quite supporting. She goes to meetups and talks to all the ladies.

[Natalie5004]

I would not say ashamed. My feminine side is kind of on display all the time. Shaved legs, painted toes and nails.

That being the case, we have not gone out together as women. I asked if we could but she tells me that I have a mans face. I told her that we know other women with a masculine face, so what.

Maybe she is.

[Stephanie47]

I don't know if my wife is "ashamed" of my need or desire to wear women's clothing because I have not put myself in a situation where someone else has seen or knows of Stephanie. It has been "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" since the early 1980's. I do not present any femininity in front of her. Life would have been a lot simpler if I did not have this "quirk." I use to be ashamed of myself but no longer. If it comes to checking off those "male" boxes of life I have most guys beat by a mile even though I ran it in a dress.

[Vale]

Hi Bea, your post describes my situation pretty accurately, including the beard and acceptance strictly limited to the home. With no kids at home it is fairly easy

[Gillian Gigs]

About one week ago, my wife said to me, " I don't care for your dressing, I'm not for CD'ing, but I am for you". She has helped me with shopping so many times, I can't count them all. It's not so much the underdressing, but the exterior clothes that she sees. She said that if I had a kilt, I wouldn't wear it because it wasn't feminine. It's true, there is a feminine side within me, that expresses itself through certain clothes.

I too am growing discontent with societal norms that dictate what people should wear to pigeon hole them into a particular role, or image. This is tempered with complying with my wife's wishes on how I dress in public. Underdressing is fine, but no out ward expressions. Is it being ashamed? Maybe yes, but love and respect for my wife will keep my outward dressing only within the home.

[NancySue]

Fortunately, my very supportive wife is proud of my dressing and is very helpful with makeup, shopping, etc. it?s wonderful.

[Cheryl T]

Ashamed - No.
Last night while watching one of the shopping channels she wanted a pair of earrings and her birthday is coming up soon so I ordered them. A few minutes later another pair was shown that I said I liked. She told me to order my birthday present as well.
We go everywhere together and I've told her a number of times that I never wanted to be an embarrassment to her. She repeatedly has said that she has never and could never feel that I was no matter what.
She's fully supportive and I'm the luckiest gal in the world.

[AmyJordan]

My wife is certainly not ashamed because I'm basically her creation and she has told me she's incredibly proud of how I've adapted to my new life and embraced it. Much like Celine she would love me to be more public and thinks I'm ready but respects I'm not quite ready in myself.

[JulieC]

My wife isn't ashamed of me at all. We've had a rule for a long time now, one that I really put in place that she supported; I don't appear crossdressed in public where people we know are likely to see me. That's not so much a rule now from her perspective. I still keep it, because I'm not retired yet and I still rather like my job. I wouldn't say my wife is as supportive as some on this form, but she is very, very accepting. She is very far removed from being ashamed.

[Di]

When I first moved and got married in my new country to Sherlyn no one knew me and we went everywhere .
After all the band mates, co workers and neighbors got to know me we decided to go further away for outings every weekend because people would see me locally and run up to me ….and Shers voice gave her away.
It was Shers decision to keep work and band life separate, I only said I would never lie and if people we knew together came up so be it,
I was never ashamed and was always proud of her.
So IMO it does involve both of you and if she doesn’t want to be out to everyone that needs to be respected .
My was the opposite I was willing to be out but Sher wanted her work and band life separate so that’s what we did.
You are in this together.
Maybe she will change her mind but she is not there yet AND I do not think it has anything to do with being ashamed .
She just is not ready to be totally out.
One more thing …..count your blessings many on here would give anything for their wife to be cool with it at home so reconcile yourself with that fact.
Things might change , just appreciate each other.

[Bea_]

Di, Thanks for the comment. I always appreciate your input into the forum.

Unlike Sher, I am not really in the same category as most seem to be here in that I'm more of a feminine man than a man trying to look like a woman. For the first 30+ years or so of our marriage, I denied and hid any sign of femininity from myself, from my wife and from the world. I did ok but never really fit in anywhere.

I've come to realize and accept that a lot of made me not fit in was, in fact, a psychologically androgynous and feminine leaning nature. I'm totally straight and have loved my role as husband, father and now grandfather. I tried to be the man she wanted, but I obviously failed long before trying my first pair of panties. More than a few very hurtful and disrespectful comments over the years have left deep scars.

So yeah, I'm "lucky" that she tolerates me, but tolerance has never really been my goal in marriage. I haven't given her a choice to a big degree as far as dressing, and I'll always wonder if the only reason she stays with a feminine/crossdressing man is because she's developed health issues that make her dependent.

I appreciate that there are people like you out there, who'd look at the spouse and say "I love this, because I love you and this is part of you". That's obviously rare.

[Gillian Gigs]

Bea_, you asked yourself a question.
"I'm totally straight and have loved my role as husband, father and now grandfather. I tried to be the man she wanted". What more could anyone ask of you?
" but I obviously failed long before trying my first pair of panties". Some packages come in a plain brown wrapper and others in fancy colourful prints with bows and ribbons. It is important to remember that what is inside the package is what counts the most.

Sit down and talk to her about your quirks, tastes, and deep desire to be that good husband, father, and grandfather. After all we can't all be knuckle dragging macho neanderthals!

[Bea_]

Any conversations we've had over the last fifteen or so years have led to an agreement of tolerance on her part, as long as it's private. She tolerates what has surfaced on the outside to get some of the value that's inside. But, the things that are surfacing are expressions of the inside that she seems to devalue.

And, the thing is that I cannot fault her for disliking my femininity. Obviously most women would be horrified to be associated with a feminine husband. I feel sorry for her for being stuck with a feminine man but that doesn't make me less feminine.

I'm to the point where I couldn't be content, if the only reason she truly loved who I am, is because she understands all the quirks. If she's turned off by the quirks, it just makes me mask them, or deal with a constant feeling of rejection. I've come to the point of just dealing with the feeling of rejection.

[Heather76]

I don't believe my wife is ashamed of my crossdressing. She simply thinks it's somewhat weird. She would be totally embarrassed if family or friends discovered this part of me.

[ReineD]

I appreciate that there are people like you out there, who'd look at the spouse and say "I love this, because I love you and this is part of you". That's obviously rare.

Yes it is rare. Di is one in a million. I love my own SO and I have supported him throughout his CDing journey, but I can’t say that I love the CDing. Life is just so much easier without it because like it or not, we live in a world where most people misunderstand and disparage it, no matter what they say to your face. Neither my SO nor I cared to tell his family or mine. And my SO didn’t want his peers at work and most of his friends to know, just like Di’s SO wanted to keep things separate from the music life. And keeping things separate doesn’t necessarily involve lying, but it most definitely involves non-disclosure which is not my ideal way to live.

Anyway, now onto your points:

I've come to realize and accept that a lot of made me not fit in was, in fact, a psychologically androgynous and feminine leaning nature.

Gosh. Feminine leaning? If this is the case then I am most definitely male leaning. I’m logical, I like to build things, I like to fix things, I like to explain things, I like to direct things. Yet, I am most definitely a woman and I like it. Thing is, I don’t believe in "male" vs "female" personalities any more. That may have been the case when there was a definite gender divide in our society, but no longer. I just need to observe my sons and their wives, and all their married friends to know this. Both younger men and women are nurturing, take charge, balance both household chores and their careers, are responsible for their children, share their emotions, have opinions about the aesthetics of their home, their clothes, etc, feel joy, feel anger, and feel all the other human emotions. Gone are the days when men couldn’t cry and women did all the cooking and didn’t know how to replace the battery in the car.

I tried to be the man she wanted, but I obviously failed long before trying my first pair of panties.

Why would you think you failed? Just because your wife prefers that you not dress in public? Does your wife think that you failed in your role as a husband, father and grandfather? Have you asked her?

She tolerates what has surfaced on the outside to get some of the value that's inside. But, the things that are surfacing are expressions of the inside that she seems to devalue.

If she accepts your presentation as long as it’s private, then it appears as if she does accept what drives your choices in presentation … as long as it’s private. Fundamentally, she does not reject your presentation outright, else she would refuse to see you dressed at all.

How does she respond when you tell her that you need her to accept you for who you are internally. What does she say when you ask her whether she loves you less when you dress.

If she's turned off by the quirks, it just makes me mask them, or deal with a constant feeling of rejection.

Two things:

1. You need to learn to be OK with the idea that you and your wife feel differently about your presentation. You may not fear the potential negative consequences of some people finding out; keep in mind that YOU are the one who derives benefit from the CDing, not your wife, so the benefit to you outweighs any potential disadvantage that would crop up if you fully went public. Also, although your choice of presentation may be fundamental to you, it is only one of the many fundamental aspects of who you are as a husband, father, and grandfather, that your wife does love and support. We all are so much more than an expression of gender.

2. Of course I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think that her request to keep things private has anything to do with how she feels about you. One thing to understand is that the need for social approval is hard-wired for most of us. We are not islands onto ourselves, in fact the fear of rejection for not playing by the rules is what drives social cohesion - which is necessary for our survival as a species. Even a group of anarchists have rules that would cause the rejection of a member if he flaunted them.

I don’t know that your wife feels any differently about your feminine appearance than I do about my SO’s, despite my support of my SO’s need to express himself. We do go out in public but only in towns far enough away to not run into anyone we know. As mentioned, neither one of us want our families and friends to know. We did once run into someone whom we did not wish to share my SO’s CDing, and we both panicked - my SO bolted out the door. Some people simply cannot handle that level of stress. I dare say that a great number of our CD members feel the same way as your wife and this is why they do not CDress outside their homes. What percentage of our membership go out in public at all?

And before you say that you also have a deep seated need to have your feminine self approved of by society, just as your wife has her need for social acceptance (or non-rejection, non-criticism), keep in mind that neither you nor your wife can control how the society of your family, friends, peers, or general acquaintances will react to you wearing feminine clothing. Again, the reality is that although some people might support you, their support might be conditional - for example some friends might be OK with you showing up at their house dressed but they wouldn’t want to go out to a restaurant with you dressed. And there are lots of other people whose opinions of you (and by association, their opinion of your wife) would be diminished, even if they don’t say anything to you outright. But their behavior toward you would change.
You may not care about any of this, but surely you cannot blame your wife, most other wives, and a big chunk of the CDing population if they do?

Also one point bears repetition because it is so important. In a world where the CDing is viewed suspiciously at best, and disdainfully at worst, you are the one who derives benefit from it, not her. You ask if she is ashamed of you. My guess is that she is not, but she may fear that other people’s opinions will shame you both.

I hope I’ve been able to provide you with a different way to look at things.

[Maria 60]

This is a tricky one. When I told my wife we could say she placed the rules and conditions of my dressing and her main question was "would I be happy just staying in the closet"? Though out the past years she has been the one controlling the pace. She has voiced her main concern of how I would handle things emotionally if I was caught, she believes I will not be able to handle it and she fears my safety.
Throughout the years I have seen the way she want to view thing, she doesn't mind if I undress and expose my pantyhose feet in public, but when I dress she doesn't like me half dresses. She tells me it's either one way or the other, almost like she doesn't want to see her man half dressed as a women, but doesn't mind that I'm in a mall with my pantyhose feet exposed. I believe she's not ashamed because she doesn't hesitate in stores asking SA if they have something in my size or speak out loud if I want something. I started learning she doesn't like me half dressed almost like she treats it like to different people. So pretty much to answer your question I don't believe my wife would be happy with a mix appearance and probably would be more concerned about my well being more then anything else