I don't know that anyone cares, but I thought it worth a post to describe what it might look like when one of us (me) walk away from this to some large degree.
For several years now, things have been winding down. The precipitous drop came when I cut my hair, but I've still hung in there to one extent or another. For the last few years I've been traveling a lot and taking full advantage of adding a day or so to do my thing in the anonymity of some distant place with a paid-for hotel room that's a lot nicer than the places I used to stay when I was taking these little excursions on my own dime. I live by myself, and I'm totally free to do exactly as I please. I could go on, but suffice to say that the stars are and have been aligned to do this thing often and in a big way. It feel like such a shame that I, frankly, and just not into it.
I have worked on that, and tried very hard to regain that spark. I've gone out at all the obvious opportunities, bought a lot of things, gone places and done things I thought might give me back that old feeling. It just hasn't worked, and I'm tired of trying. It's not fun when you have to force it. I've done my share of self analysis on this. I really don't want to quit. It's been too much a part of me for too long. Oddly enough, I still get something out of preparing, packing, planning, buying... but the doing falls short. When I go ahead and get dressed and go out it's a drag (no pun intended). I don't even enjoy the process anymore, and the outing is no better. It feels like a colossal waste of time at best.
I've been out of town for the past week. An exceptionally nice place that would have ordinarily been near perfect for many outings. I even stayed over for a full day/night. I checked a bag will all my girl things. I did nothing, except make some decisions about where I am with all of this and what I'm likely to do about it.
I'm not quitting, necessarily, but I'm through doing it, any of it, out of rote. I'm going to stick with the things I still find interesting and some things that seem necessary. For now at least, I'm through fully dressing. I actually hope all the "old feelings" come back. I miss it. I'd run toward it, not away. In a large way, though, I'm giving myself permission to NOT do it, and after all these years, that seems like a strange thing.
So, what is this going to look like? I think what I'm headed toward will be adequately described as "situational". An element or two here and there that I can do in male mode. I've always done that, but fully dressing was really my thing, and the mixed things were for times I couldn't go all the way. Now, that's just where my interest stops. It's what I find interesting in others. I've seen a few guys over the last year or so who pull that off in a very interesting and confident way, and if I could land right there, that'd do. I won't be able to pull it off with the aplomb they did, but I'm going to give it a shot.
Specifically... I'll keep coloring my hair. I'll keep getting my brows done because I've don't it for so long that that's just how I look, not really a "girl" thing. I'm going to back off the mani-pedis every 6 weeks and save it for when I really feel like it. I do find it interesting when I see guys with nails and/or nail polish, so I'm still going to do that in male mode, I'm just going to save it for when I'm feeling it. I've lost interest to a large extent in purses in male mode. I'll still do it when I have a reason or if the mood strikes, but I'm over the "everywhere but work" thing. I'll still wear my leggings and big tops when it gets cooler, but I doubt if that'll be such a constant go-to. I'll still wear my BB cream every day because that's just my moisturizer. I'm interested in wearing makeup in male mode, but it'll be some "right amount of noticeable" that I have no idea how to do right now. Not full-on glam in male mode. I'd like to wear some of my favorite earrings in male mode, but that'll be highly situational, if at all. No dresses or skirts in male mode. It's just not my thing, and I kind of wish it was.
No point in going through every possibility one by one. You get the point. Boil it down to I'm going to wear wear more of what I want to wear when I want to wear it. If that looks a little odd or out of place, I'm OK with that. In my long history of doing this I've gone through many phases, and this is another one. I've decided that which ever way the pendulum swings, I'm OK with it. If I lose interest entirely, that's OK. I wish I had all my youthful (and not so youthful) enthusiasm for it. I also wish to just be youthful, but I accept that's not in the cards. It's been quite a good run in many ways. Tragic in others. I'm not at all depressed. Quite happy, actually. I accept that I'm moving into another phase of life, and I'm going to do things a little differently. I'm going to focus on getting back to having FUN with it!! When you do it frequently and with no constraints, it's just not as special or fun when you do it. I remember when it was so exciting!
I'll still be on here. I hope I've gained perspective over all these years that is worth contributing. The only difference is I'm not going to be actively, completely, crossdressing. Maybe my contributions from the other side, or at least another side, will be worthwhile. They'll be worthwhile to write, even if they're not worthwhile to read. I guess this is just the next step in the continuing saga.
Originally Posted by OrdinaryAverageGuy
