Have I gone too far?

[JulieC]

Ok so it's basically unanimous that it's a bad idea. I can't add anything to that.

Ilsa, I did want to add to one sentence though... You said "It appears I've received many more inquiries as a woman than I did as a man on a service".

Women receive way more attention on dating services than guys do period. It's the norm. What is sadly also the norm is most guys on dating services tend to be creeps. Plenty of men will do the throw-spaghetti-at-the-wall-and-hope-something-sticks routine, and will send messages to every new person who appears to be female. Getting the extra attention isn't anything to be surprised about nor complimented about.

[Karren H]

It would be an interesting experience to see if I could express my inner female emotions to these men.

It would be kind of interesting (for us) to see what happens (to you)!

JK Run away, run away!

[Sometimes Steffi]

Just as a point of interest, I have seen some CD/TS admitting that their CD/TS and posting as a woman ISO a man. Don't ask me how I know this. I would never use any of these dating sites while being married.

[ellbee]

I am a firm believer that 99.9% of men who say they were "fooled" into thinking we are cis women are lying to cover for their own sexual hangups. That said, it's always best to be up front about this stuff so the guy can't come back later claiming to be a victim of deceit. They know. They always know. They can't always deal with that. Heck, there are people in this forum who can't deal with it. Lots of hangups, lol.

The challenge is that you never know how the guy could react, and this could range from ghosting you all the way to taking your life. It's no joke. As someone who dates frequently and who tries to look my best 24/7, I prefer to be upfront and transparent from the very start. It also helps to be confident in your presentation. I'm not hiding in the shadows,trying to disguise my voice, or apologizing for being me.

I dunno... Not to sound rude, but overall? Guys can be pretty stupid often enough when it comes to all this!


I'd say it's rather almost impossible to truly "pass" with a GG, in-person -- at least to any significant level. And they can typically tell pretty much right away, without much doubt. And yes, I realize there can be & certainly are exceptions.


But passing with a *guy*? At least to some degree or another? Much more likely, IMO.

(Particularly with just online photos, mind you. )


One reason may be that they're/we're hard-wired to hone in on only certain visual cues/traits? You know, perhaps some of the same things CD/trans-type people might highlight in their presentation, in order to appear more "legit"? And these guys will even disregard, in the process, other "things/tells" that may *not* be so feminine/sexually attractive with this "female" in question??

Hmmm, I believe there may be something there...



Anyway, as someone else mentioned earlier, I recall many times saying, at least in my head, "Uhhhh... You know I'm a *dude*, right?!? "


Ahh, good times...


P.S. Learn how to safely rebuff, ladies.

[Patience]

There is already enough hatred for people like us out there.

The last thing we need is for them to have a legitimate reason to do so.

[Rhonda Jean]

I've joined a dating service as a female just to see the responses. It appears I've received many more inquiries as a woman than I did as a man on a service. I haven't gone the distance by making myself available for conversation with these men.

I don't disagree with any of the advice, but I think we've been a little harsh. I wouldn't have done such a thing, but...

It's the nature of what we do to muddle fantasy and reality. The internet allows us, if we're so inclined, to sort of reach outside the fantasy and touch some extension of reality. An extension of the fantasy, so to speak. Some of us do that by going out, some of us from behind a computer. It is dangerous in a lot of ways when the line becomes so diffused that we don't know where the fantasy ends and reality begins. I think it'd be quite a stretch to think that anybody's dating profile or their social media in general has much basis in reality. Most everybody is displaying who they want people to thing they are, not who they truly are.

Just don't meet up with anybody or let them find out where you live, work, etc., and realize that someone determined to find out can be pretty crafty.

[alwayshave]

Kim, If you haven't stated you were assigned a different gender at birth, I'd say you have gone too far.

[Snide_lobster]

I don't disagree with any of the advice, but I think we've been a little harsh. I wouldn't have done such a thing, but...

It's the nature of what we do to muddle fantasy and reality. The internet allows us, if we're so inclined, to sort of reach outside the fantasy and touch some extension of reality. An extension of the fantasy, so to speak. Some of us do that by going out, some of us from behind a computer. It is dangerous in a lot of ways when the line becomes so diffused that we don't know where the fantasy ends and reality begins. I think it'd be quite a stretch to think that anybody's dating profile or their social media in general has much basis in reality. Most everybody is displaying who they want people to thing they are, not who they truly are.

Just don't meet up with anybody or let them find out where you live, work, etc., and realize that someone determined to find out can be pretty crafty.

Yeah, I kind of feel the same way. I mean, I wouldn't say it's really an ethical thing to do (especially if the point is too deceive), but depending on the dating app being used, I think the concern of physical harm, and harm done to other parties has been heavily exaggerated here. Obviously, this would require not providing information that can be tracked back to you (which can come in things like pictures as well as information in bios ect.), but if all you do is send a few messages to some random bloke and not lead them on too much I'm not really sure what the problem is. I look at something like Tinder (an app I detest I should say), where the whole point is a numbers game, and if things don't pan out its easy to move onto the next person. I'm not particularly fond of this en masse consumption style of dating/hooking up, but it is a lot more forgiving of playing around. I know I made a fake account once (not cd related), and had fun for a day screwing with some people, but outside of a few moments wasted texting they weren't really any worse off. IDK just my perspective, but maybe my generation is too relaxed with online safety (probably some truth to that).

[Rhonda Jean]

I was on Match (as a guy) for a while after my divorce. I was very surprised and somewhat overwhelmed by the amount of interest/attention I got. The vast majority of it goes absolutely nowhere. I don't remember what step one was, but I think it amounted to sending your profile and maybe "Hi". The key here is that Ilsa said it was "just to see the responses". I think at that stage, most people on these apps are casting a wide net. Most of the people on those apps are lying about something. Income, lifestyle, education... and posting the most flattering picture they ever took. These days with all the photo enhancement going on, there's no telling if their pic even resembles their actual appearance. That's not just on dating apps. All of social media is rife with that and I'm not on any of it. I read the whole OP as "I know I'm straight but I wonder if the guys would like me?", so she throws a pic out there on a dating app to see.

I'm not sure that's much different than trying to pass in public. I never wore a sign around my neck saying "I'm a dude". Just the opposite. I wasn't looking for a date or even conversation, but I absolutely knocked myself out trying to pass as an attractive woman. I don't see this as much different, just done from behind a computer.

[Valeria M.]

Yes. Most of the time, even a mentioning of cross-dressing can be taken as insult on dating sites.

[amykwanishere]

I go out a lot to bars, mainly in an lgbt environment, I get hit on a lot, and always, yes always say "you do know I'm a Man dont you" and 99 times out of a 100 they say YES. and I suspect they already know but always make it perfecly clear before continuing my conversation.

Similar experience, and I totally agree. Honesty is super important. Deceiving will generate frustration and hate, potentially leading to one more hate crime victim.

To be honest, even with my clear and full disclosure of my crossdressing nature on social media like Instagram, I still have people hitting on me, not to mention receiving tons of dick pics. It can be very fustrating.