My wife just offered me her pretty bralette and panties - I don't think I should take

[ReineD]

It's a real shame as they're so pretty with lacy bits, but her seeing me cavorting around in them won't hemp her self image I think.

Why do you think that your wife seeing you cavort in her underwear won't help her self image' Do you think that she compares her femininity to yours? And why "cavort", as opposed to simply "wear".

I've often seen the sentiment expressed here:
"My wife is jealous because I can wear things she can't",
which often translates to,
"I look better (or girlier) than my wife",
which often translates to,
"My wife feels that I am competition for her".
"and so this is why my wife does not like the CDing".


Nonsense.

Certainly if a woman is overweight and she doesn't like her body, she might wish she were skinnier like her sister, her best friend, or even her husband. But that's being jealous of someone's metabolism, not their "girliness". I know that I envy the amount of food that my SO can snack on without putting on an ounce, whereas I need to watch what I eat, which is not as much fun.

But, my SO and other CDer's body weights have absolutely no impact on my feelings of worth as a woman, or that he (or they) are some sort of competition - for what - to be attractive to other men? Because my female friends certainly don't care what weight I am. And even if my SO could wear a smaller size than me, I would not think he was more attractive as a woman for the simple reason that he has all the physical characteristics of a guy. Not a girl.

So to answer your questions, if your wife gave you her bra, then she knows that it fits around your torso and not hers. She wouldn't have given it to you if she didn't want you to wear it. So please don't go down the crossdresser-fantasy worm hole. And if you still think that she'd be sad to see you fit into her old things because she doesn't like her weight right now, know that this would apply to whatever you wear - even if you got your very own new bra, or even if you got a new pair of skinny man-jeans. It's not about the item of clothing - it's about the fact that your wife unfortunately has a negative body image.

Which brings me to an interesting point. Just why DOES your wife have a negative body image. Does she feel, based on your behaviors perhaps, that you are more attracted to another body type (perhaps your own when you are dressed like a girl) than is your wife's current size? Do you make her feel that you are attracted to her, that you want her, in her current state?

You don't need to answer that here, it's too personal. They are merely questions for you to ponder.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

I've gotten quite a few hand-me-downs that no longer fit my wife, including bras. No backlash whatsoever. Just the reality that she's going to give it or throw it away anyway, I might as well enjoy it.

[Bea_]

My wife lost a fair amount of weight in the last two years, mostly from health conditions. She went through her considerable wardrobe and culled a lot of things that were too large for her. I inherited quite a few of those items. Her health improved and she gained much of the weight back. She ended up taking a lot that she'd given me back and I ended up getting quite a few of the smaller things that she can not longer wear. She misses her smaller body, but she knows that I have always found and still find her to be beautiful at whatever weight she's been.

I do want her to be optimally healthy and I've always expressed that I wished she had exactly the body she wanted, but that it's never been an issue for me.

[Samantha51]

Hi,

I would like to give an update on this, but first I want to thank everyone for their messages. From the bottom of my heart I heard you. I didn't follow the advice but I believe, at least in this case, that I was correct.

Whilst driving with my wife today I said (paraphrasing) that I was wearing the bral that she said I could have (she gave it to me). I said I've been told strongly by this forum that I shouldn't (remember she offered me the stuff before I grew concerned at her reaction). She replied to the effect of it's absolutely fine, she'll buy her own when she's ready. I said she might see me in passing wearing it and she said that's fine too and she's ok seeing me in them and women's stuff in general in the house.

She reiterated that she isn't attracted to me dressed but that she's really fine with me dressing: she wants me to be happy and has no issue with me dressing. She went further (when I said I'd like to get comfortable leggings for lounging at home togehter) and said it would be fun to get leggings from the same company that she likes (Popsy clothing). Just wow.

We have been enjoying a more relaxed time together, watching shows I'd have huffed-and-puffed about like "Strictly Come Dancing" and commenting on the fabulous outfits and dancing (particularly Leyton), "Ru Paul's Drag Race UK" (and commenting on the outfits, asking about the tucking, padding, etc) - she's blown away at how attractive they look. We've also started watching "Gentleman Jack" (about the first known lesbian Anne Lister in the UK). I have been the problem with this before - acting bigotted saying such things shouldbn't be on the TV. Now we're thoroughly enjoying this gentler, more inclusive entertainment! I have had a complete volte-face after all this, including "The Transgender Issue" - Shon Faye (I'm don't think I'm trans but I am much more accepting now). We're talking of going to the "Pink Jukebox" (if they'll have us as straight people) in London for their regular dancing sessions as we've recently started Latin and Ballroom dancing lessons. My wife suggested this.

It's REALLY worth saying that on Saturday she bought me some new trousers and shirts as a Christmas present. My current trousers are all 36" waist and look awfully baggy. I bought 30" trousers (snug but ok) and I was blown away how damned sexy I look as a slim man, and my wife - her eyes popped when she saw me. I am truly happy to be her man, and to also dress/be feminine - and the amazing thing is that my wife is supporting me too. I feel SO VERY BLESSED and GRATEFUL. We had a super afternoon and evening including mince pies and hot chocolate whilst watching the Thames from the Southbank.

I bought some thigh highs today and I really like how I look with the pretty bralette, knickers and thigh highs. A real hit - possibly "gender euphoria". Now covered up under normal clothes as it's a bit nippy.

Finally she's encouraging me to wear nail varnish, including going out for a meal with friends this weekend. A big step for me that I might bottle. So I've bought some black nail varnish and will experiment now. She sees no issue me wearing nail varnish - it's my anxiety not hers.

I asked the SAs where the nail varnish was and if they had large thigh highs. I'm so much less embarassed to ask without nonsense of "it's for my wife". Loving this step of being free to ask.

I feel my depression is slowly lifting: partly the dressing and my wife's encouragement. My GP also increased my antidepressant dose today - my wife relayed to her how well she thinks I'm doing (I wanted another opinion).

Thanks again for all your comments and good advice. I know I was pig-headed ignoring the advice but I feel deeply comforted wearing the bra.

Maybe I'm a bit high in the fog but my wife's reiterated support has meant so much to me.

[bridget thronton]

Keep talking to her - sounds like you are both on similar pages

[Maid_Marion]

Hi Samantha,

It is great that you are talking about this! I think she has picked up that this is no ordinary hobby. That it may help with your anxiety and depression. If it makes you happy that will make her happy.

My wife was generally OK with it. She thought I looked hot. The danger zone was stirring up her own body issues as she had gained a lot of weight.

Marion

[Crissy 107]

Samantha, Sounds like you have made good progress and keep on this same path with your wife. Many of us have good acceptance and then it slows way down or even disappears so just take things slow.
Your line of communication is good so keep that going and err on the side of caution.
Continued good luck!

[Miel GG]

I wonder...how a GG can evolve from "not willing to talk" to "suggesting to join the Pink Jukebox together" within few days ? In all cases I hope your wife is not losing herself trying to please you.

[Bruce64]

When I met my Wife a long time ago, it was the third or fourth time we met I told her to leave her panty with me, the one she wore last night. Problem solved. I generally do not like wearing her panty more fun going to the store and buying my own. A year ago she gave me 3 panties her Sister gave her well I took it and never wore it cause it didn't fit.

[Samantha51]

how a GG can evolve from "not willing to talk" to "suggesting to join the Pink Jukebox together" within few days ? In all cases I hope your wife is not losing herself trying to please you.

Thanks for your concern!

* My wife has never been judgemental, that was always me, pretty conservative. Her college days were freer.
* She is non judgemental about things like CD, homosexuality
* She wants me to be happy and true to myself.
* She wants it to be light and informal without agreements and boundaries and heavy talks. Take each day, each CD step as it happens. Not my choice.
* We've started dancing recently and we'd both like more practice and more time together.
* Pink Jukebox should be a welcoming, inclusive and very fun dancing venue. Non judgemental, somewhere to make new friends. Somewhere to be freer.
* Pink Jukebox was her idea.

[Rhonda Jean]

Personally, I think you're "high in the fog". Your words. Maybe "high onthe fog would be more appropriate.

A little hillbilly neurology/psychology here.

If they could see into our brains with one of those telescopes that can read a newspaper from 300 miles above the earth and they put it right up against your brain, they'd see that in the case of "us", there's a little neighborhood where all the houses look just alike, and fantasy and reality live next door to one another. They often meet and talk at the fence. Sometimes one invites the other over for coffee and desert. They know a lot about each other, and each if them marvels at the other's life. There's a tinge of jealousy going both ways. One day they tear the fence down so they find they can easily swap and comingle their lives, and they both are eager to do so.

Be very careful of letting your reality become your fantasy and vice-versa. Don't wish that your life was like someone's you've seen online. What you see online is some highly filtered, spun-down-in-a-centrifuge version where only the microscopic part that suits a particular narrative is displayed. In your situation with an accommodating wife, I think it'll be hard to keep your head straight and keep your fantasy and reality separated. Your reality is fantasy for a lot of people. I'm sure you feel very encouraged and accepted, and that starts to equate to loved. The flip side of that is that anything less than acceptance and encouragement starts to feel like "not loved". When you're allowed/encouraged to dress to whatever degree it's such a rush of endorphins that, well, fantasy and reality eagerly hop from one side of the property line to the other.

All this time, your wife is firmly grounded in reality. She must be really something, and she obviously really loves you or she would have put the brakes on this. There are women who love it. Don't let your fantasy side convince your reality side that you have one of them. I think there's A LOT of room to make this work IF everybody keeps their head on straight. Mostly, you. Please don't make your life all about this, and don't evaluate her love or your relationship on how much she lets you dress. Surely there is more to your life and YOU than that. I get how easy it is to get carried away. For more than a few decades I did things that would populate a crossdressers wet dream. Cool, until it's not. Don't be overtaken by it. Be an interesting and involved person apart from crossdressing. Don't stop doing it, just do it in the right way. Let it be something that adds to, not something that takes over. Your wife has shown an unusual willingness and acceptance. Don't blow it, or you'll regret if for the rest of your life.

[ReineD]

Bravo Rhonda, well said!!

[Samantha51]

Hi Rhonda,

So sorry for not replying sooner. There was so much good there that I took time to consider it but didn't reply.

Given I have time on my hands then I am certainly spending a lot (too much) time on this site. Certainly I'm learning a lot about this fantsay side, but also, I believe about the real me, that's been mostly hidden for 56 years. That sounds overly dramatic, but I really think it's true. I really think I'm doing great work - CD is the vehicle driving this, learning courage - courage to try things that might be disapproved of but do no harm - like kneeling to pray at church and not caring what my agnostic neighbours think.

I have the run of the house during the day so I'm usually underdressed at least. My mother-in-law will be convalescing here for a week or so, so I shall have to keep it to underdressing. That's fine.

My wife and I are getting on a LOT better recently, with me doing most of the cooking, cleaning and shopping. Only fair as I'm not working. I've also been much more attentive recently, so I think I AM doing the right things. This includes giving her foot massages most evenings as we watch TV that interests us both (not action dramas which I used to favour). We're closer (I think...) than we've ever been. I'm aware that I may be completely wrong in my assessment.

I am trying to keep the fantasy and reality separate, certainly I'm not talking about CD/trans/gender issues much. She's encouraged me again by giving me another bralette - and "demanding" that I try it on in front of her - she said nothing other than asking if it was comfortable - it was.

Thanks for your message. Please feel free to pour cold water on my overheated brain whenever you see me getting a bit OTT.

My marriage is very very very important to me.

[Andrea1964]

Hi Samantha. I've been really blessed as my wife has passed to me lots of her old clothing following both of us losing weight over the last 7 years. I am one size up from her so every so often I've been given a new set of clothes to enjoy. At times they have been a little small but that has been sufficient encouragement for me to continue with my weight loss programme.

Hope all goes well for you 🙏 💕

[CDMargret]

Emily...now this is great advice. And a great idea.

[crobeson96]

I think as males we grossly under-appreciate how our spouses look to us for emotional support. Among other factors their consideration of our desire to dress in women?s clothing includes ?What does that mean about how he feels about me?? Particularly if CD-ing is introduced long after the relationship was established in purely conventional terms, it may be viewed as a dilution of one?s devotion.
Add to that the very natural changes in a woman?s body with time and I think she?s looking for some reassurance.
So many things my wife has said to me over the years have layers of meaning. I love her in so many ways now that we?re older but I can never show it enough.

[Cassie Roce]

I think this is great advice for us all.

I think we should keep telling our SO how much we value her support (and not only when we are dressed), how close we feel to her, how much we value her opinion and we should tell her how sexy her smile is, that we love how pretty her hair, eyes, lips, … are.

Saying nice things is one thing, but I firmly believe that we should also always show our whole hearted support through our actions towards and around her.

[Cheryl T]

Never look gift lingerie in the ... well you get the idea.
Accept her gift. My wife does the same thing. She buys a few bras and they don't turn out to her liking and she offers them to me. She sees them being enjoyed and not as a wasteful purchase.
Thank her and lover her.

[Lilly-Ann]

Ive learned quickly it goes two ways. the wife will either love it on me or shes shows a bit of jealousy it fits me better than her. when I notice a bit of jealousy I usually just put them away and say they don't fit me as well as I'd like, just have to read your spouse and know what is or isn't ok

[DianeT]

So Samantha, your wife is offering you lingerie that you previously stole from her. I think the "wife not comfortable with seeing you in it" bit is rationalization. The real reason may be the guilt you feel realizing that she's being good to you while you betrayed her trust. I felt this when my wife first gave me some items of hers. I felt that I had done nothing to deserve it.
Anyway you finally wore the items 48 h later so that's a very long thread for something that was swiftly sorted out on your end.

[Samantha51]

No, I feel uncomfortable dressed in front of her, as I know she's not happy with it. I'm wearing the plain cotton bralette she gave me (and insisted I try on in front of her) every day now as I find it a comfort, like a hug.

[Sandrajiggle]

This is a great thread. Lots of angles so close to home.