More Exposure Therapy

[Bea_]

I made a post about getting out in femme male mode a while back and how it wasn't the greatest experience. I pushed the limits a bit and had a definite femme rather than an androgynous look and went to a coffee shop on the way to a therapy session. I didn't really look to see how people reacted, but when i ordered my coffee, an attractive young barista who stood behind the guy taking my order seemed to want to gag at the sight of me. Since the barista reminded me somewhat of my wife when she was young, the feeling of instant shame was almost unbearable. I endured ten or fifteen minutes drinking my coffee in the shop before going on to my therapy session. The experience has kept me from allowing that kind of exposure until this morning.

I decided to back off on the presentation and was definitely more androgynous than feminine this time. i wore yoga pants with a sterling ankle bracelet above my unisex sneakers. I had on some unisex bracelets, but kept my pearls under the turtleneck i had on under the button-up I wore to hide that i had on a bra.

I walked in and the place seemed to be populated by a bunch of middle aged working men. I don't really think anyone even looked at me closely enough to form any opinion of me.

The young male barista had a bohemian look with a man-bun, so I felt safe from any negative judgment from him.

The outing was a success in that i became a little bit more comfortable and even anticipate that I'd allow a bit more feminine to show through next time.

All this is old news to many here, but maybe some others might be encouraged to let their freak flag fly just a bit...

[Raychel]

So glad you had a good outing.
Thanks for sharing your story with us
Maybe someday day I will have the courage to step out as you do

[alwayshave]

Bea, I tend to frequent places that are T/CD friendly so I don't suffer looks. You are a braver girl than I.

[kimdl93]

It?s important to feel good about yourself, regardless of what strangers my think.

[Bea_]

Kim,
I gotta agree that it's an important aim to be comfortable being authentic, but most of us are hardwired to avoid rejection. That's sort of the goal of my self-assigned exposure therapy. I want to gradually build up a tolerance for the feeling of being rejected. I guess my aim is to claim territory that I've felt would never belong to me. Women have claimed territory that extended their femininity into a whole new masculine realm without giving up a claim to femininity. That's not a complaint. I just want to claim the things that make me feel good about myself without giving up my claim to masculinity.

[docrobbysherry]

A perfect example of why I have no desire to go to vanilla venues dressed! I don't enjoy the guffahs and snake eyes from everyone.

Plus, when I go out like u did, Bea, my purpose is to get a coffee or for some other mundane task. NOT to provide a distraction for every person I pass!

Unlike most trans I'm not willing to dress to suit other people. If I don't see an attractive woman in my mirror before I leave I'd rather NOT go out dressed at all!

That is a BIG difference between trans and CD's for me! I could care less about dressing to blend!

[Stephanie47]

I am with sherry. More power to those who go out and freely express themselves. I'm one of those "entirely en femme" dressers; only dresses, heels and hosiery, all the proper undergarments, and wig. My entire goal is to seek relaxation from the stresses of life. Sneers and catcalls and snake eyes defeat that purpose.

What is the ultimate goal of the term "exposure therapy?" I never went through any formal counseling concerning my desire to wear feminine clothing or emulate a woman, but have been in a combat related PTSD support group and counseling. There seems to be the goal of dealing with issues of oneself and another of navigating through life with others. I am totally at peace with any femme issues, but I would have to deal with the issues other people would throw my way. Maybe having grown up in an inner city neighborhood and worked in a crime ridden area one does not put oneself in harms way. Even in the walls of a local VFW I was belittled by WW2 veterans because I served in "a pea shooter war" as an infantryman earning a Purple Heart w/Oak Leaf Cluster. So, I also have not joined any service groups. Show me a place I would be welcomed for who I am and maybe I would consider expressing myself to others.

[Bea_]

sherry,
I get it your point of view. But, for me, the point of it all is not to provide distraction for others, but to harden myself from being distracted by the opinion of others. My imagined style is that of an eccentric, and somewhat femme old guy in a beard who's going about his business. I'm not trans. I've got white curly hair to the middle of my back reminiscent of an aging hippie, a fairly full beard that I'm allowing to grow even longer and I'm getting to the point in my life that I'm finding "normal" to be less and less attractive. I've had life events that being "normal" didn't help in the least.

My style has been accurately described as freestyle rather than crossdresser and that fits here on the forum, but my clothing choices would definitely be seen as crossdressing were I to dress publicly as I dress at home. I'm trying to find a place that's a sort of balance between the two worlds. I can't find that balance if i just stay home.

I appreciate the viewpoints that differ from mine and the conversations here on the forum have helped me to define where we're similar and where I'm different. I'm totally dude, but I'm not a typical dude.

[NonbiNancy]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I also am trying to get past, "What does everyone else think?" I present non-binary in my daily appearance but enjoy being fully female at home. I like your "exposure therapy" idea and have been exploring my own brand of it by dressing just a bit more feminine with each outing. I live in a very GLBTQ safe neighborhood, so it's really all my own fears of judgement that I'm working with.