Trouble with my own acceptance at times...

[Jessica G.]

I believe it is a normal concern.

From what I gathered here from everyone, is that it seems like it is normal to ask this. This in itself has really helped and opened my eyes a little to the fact that I am not alone. This is not just a me thing. I just tend to forget this when Depression likes to take over. For some reason It always likes to attack my dressing. But this post will be a reminder that I can overcome it just like many others have, and for that I fell much better.

[MarinaTwelve200]

A lot of what I see here involves the "Social complications" of going out in public. This is why I remain "in the closet" and have stayed there since day one. I anticipated the problems beforehand myself. I don't seem to have any "identity problems" but many of us have them , which can further complicate matters. Luckily, I am content staying home, "Relaxing" and "De- Stressing". I am simply an "Escapist" who CDs to take the occasional "Vacation away from myself" if for only a few hours. I also find it fun to experiment with photography and "disguises" --- Stuff I can do at home and is rarely seen save for the occasional Halloween part or Womanless beauty contest at church.
One thing we must realize is that there are DIFFERENT KINDS of CDs and CDing that is engaged in for different and more "deeper" psychological reasons. I am glad to see the posters mention that they have a therapist, which I too, seriously recommend, if one is "uncomfortable".
In MY case though, I am happy, and seem to have a handle on things. I KNOW WHY I do it and those reasons do not concern me. It's legal, fun and healthy, in MY PERSONAL situation anyway. I don't go out for two reasons. I do not NEED to, AND all too many of the "Muggles" outside, are too ignorant. I don't need the "hassle" or "abuse" that can happen out there unless one is very careful.

[GeminaRenee]

Hi Jessica, I'm glad to see you've had lots of supportive replies so far. I just wanted to add a couple of things...

First, you are definitely not alone in the way you are feeling. I often go through spells of doubt, or insecurity, or "wtf am I doing?" And very often those moments happen when I am standing in front of a mirror. It can be difficult to reconcile the difference between what I want to see and what I do see. Even GG's often find themselves confounded by that "ideal image," as we're bombarded by unrealistic images of women all the time. I certainly find that it can be difficult to to reconcile when my innately male features interfere with the picture I hope to see in the mirror. I have to remember that I'm always going to feel disappointment if I'm fixated on images of Margot Robbie, or Due Lipa, or Kylie Minogue, or any of the women whose appearances I would want to emulate.

Instead - at least when I'm having a moment of mindfulness - I try and focus on how presenting as femme makes me feel. When I do that, I feel whole, and I feel comfortable. I'm able to let my guard down and finally be the person that I'm drawn to be. And I don't worry so much about whether or not I look ridiculous or whatever. Because I feel at ease with who I am in that moment.

For me, that involved going out en femme. Of course, only you can decide if going out is what you need or want. But I know now that I had to express that part of myself out in the world. That's where I find those moments that I later refer back to when I need to know I'm doing the right thing. I think of the way I feel when I'm out to dinner and look down to see lipstick on the rim of my glass. Or the way I feel walking down the street in a skirt, feeling vulnerable and truly alive. When I revisit those feelings in times of doubt, I know that I'm being authentic, not some crazy old weirdo.

Self-acceptance is a lot of it for me. Probably one of the greatest sources of conflict within myself is the fact that I am so afraid to truly be out of the closet about this. There's the whole masculine male perception that people have about me. And then there's the fear that I have of stepping out of that expectation, and being the person that I would choose. It seems nearly impossible to reconcile at times, yet is impossible for me to stop. Somehow I know that the destination on my en femme journey involves more and more of it, not less. So I try and nudge myself in that direction little by little.

This hasn't been a linear progression for me, and I suspect it's not for most people. There's been lots of forward progress in my self-discovery, and lots of subsequent walking it back. If you plotted my journey on a graph it would look very much like the teeth of a saw. But the overall trajectory of the line has been up. And I plan to keep it moving that way. It's not easy, but it is rewarding.

Hopefully my rambling is at least a little helpful to you. And I hope you're able to keeping finding joy and beauty within yourself and your journey. It's a cliche, but it's also true - life is short, and too precious to be wasted not fully loving yourself.

Have a great day!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jessica , Just take life one Day at a Time, >Orchid**OO**

[KristyPa]

Jessica,
I'll guess most of us felt or feel this way, I know I have.
Once I was 35 or so I finally felt this is part of me and it's never going to go away. Once I excepted this is a part of me I feel good about it all. I may present as Kristy once a month or so that's good enough for me. Know one knows this side of me I'm also ok with that.