What am I missing? Question from a GG to CD

[dancinginthedark]

Good evening ladies. I could really use a perspective different than my own, namely yours. Could some please help me understand what is going on. What did I do wrong? Or what did I forget to do? Is it me at all?? I have been here and other sites since the day after he told me. I never rejected him or her. I have literally made lists of what is good and wonderful about being with a CD and given them to my husband so he would be very clear on this. I love him. I accept him. It is okay. I have read until my eyes are crossed. I have reassured and flattered. ~ I have seen him fully dressed a hand full of times. She looked wonderful BTW. And yes, I said so. Several times. I have shopped till I dropped too. I encouraged him to join here and he has been here a total of One time to post and twice to read over my shoulder. I have tried laying out outfits. I have done everything except hold a gun on him and forced him to dress again. I have tried telling him flat out to wear the silk panties I bought (or any panties for that matter) every day. I even said please. I told him I would love it. No go. I talked matter of fact. I talked dirty. I made suggestions. I offered to shave his legs and do his brows. I have been pushy, I have been coy, and I have backed off. IMHO I believe I accept his being a CD a lot more than he does.
I don’t know what to do except keep my mouth shut and wait. But I have to tell you I don’t get it. I mean, if you told your S/O and s/he did the usual initial freak out and asked the usual twenty questions and in a short time [less than two months~ is that long??] is not only accepting but shopping and asking you to try on new outfits etc then why jump back into that lonely closet? I admit I had to pull in the reins on the shopping because she spent more in one day than I did last year on clothes. And this was after I had spent hundreds of dollars on a full wardrobe. This was a, “I love you and accept you completely” kind of gift. So I bought from her wish list and things I knew would look wonderful on her. We did this shopping both together and on my own too. I wanted her to feel like a part of this (and not me just taking over) and to experience shopping for femme things etc [Seemed like a good idea at the time] I also put my foot down on “borrowing” without asking first. And I said that she had to respect my wishes when I said no when asked. We are close to size if looking at the tag but she is bigger around the shoulders and stretched out some things. I don’t get into her wardrobe or things. I wouldn’t just help myself to anything. To be honest it would seem odd to wear things bought special for her.
Okay to be totally honest and disclose it all I will admit we had a disagreement over photos. We had gotten a new camera and she wanted pix’s NOW. I wanted to get some of the kids and family. I haven’t had a camera in years to take any photo’s. Plus, we still have a child at home so we have to plan in advance etc I suggested we take some photo’s of the family and make arrangements for alone time to do her photo’s later. Sounded like a good idea. Wrong. She was very upset and purged. Okay. Now you know the details. Is that enough to send a woman back into the closet? I didn’t think I was being unreasonable. Am I not looking at this in the right way?
What am I missing? Should I have been a bit more reluctant to accept so he could feel like she had to talk me into accepting or tolerating CD? Is this normal? Wife or S/O is now okay with the CD-ing and wants to know and share it all and then the CD freaks out? [Well it sure seems like it to me.] Can some one shed some light on this? I admit it freely, I am clueless here. I don’t get it. Can someone help me understand this and any advise on how to make this pink elephant the middle of the living room feeling go away?

[EricaCD]

Hi Mae - no immediate answer here, except to note that nothing in your post suggests you are doing anything wrong. If I had to guess (and this is nothing more than a guess) I would say that your SO is still deeply personally conflicted about his CDing. Even now I must admit that the idea of actually revealing my fem self to my wife (knows, not interested in participating) is deeply disquieting. At this point I think I would - probably - welcome it. But even as recently as a couple years ago, when I was less OK with my crossdressing, I would not have allowed my wife to get involved even if she had wanted to do so.

IMHO many CDs fantasize about a perfectly accepting wife without fully coming to terms with the incredible vulnerability we assume by actually being en femme before the person who matters most to us. It must be infuriating to show such understanding and compassion, only to be pushed away. It is not about you, but rather about her. It's not fair to ask this of you, but you may need to be even stronger and more compassionate than you have already been, and allow your SO to come to sharing at her pace, rather than yours. Ironic, no?

Or I could be utterly mistaken. In any case, it ain't you and brava to you for your courage and perseverance. It is a beautiful thing to behold.

Erica

PS: It certainly isn't about the damn camera.

[sherri]

Well, if it doesn't work out between you two, my phone number is ...

Just kidding. :cheeky:

What is it you really want at this point? Are you saying you personally have a strong need for him to be femme, that you need that element in your relationship? Or are you just frustrated because you feel like he's leading a double life and excluding you from half of it? I can easily understand your bewilderment -- your situation baffles me too -- but I'm also trying to understand what exactly you need from him.

[Joy Carter]

He just might be over wellemed to much all at once. Myself I'm really not that proud of myself for being this way but I still feel I want to be pretty for myself nobody else. So I'm extreamly shy and embarrased about showing myself to her with the small liberties that I have taken in cd. Is that the case with your gurl ? It is a large step I know how I felt the first time that I saw myself totaly dressed I was conflicted and though I was looking at somebody else kinda gets into the core of your being. Mae just take time with her it sounds by your desciption that this has been to much at one time.

Hope this helps JOY

[dancinginthedark]

Erica,
Thanks for the POV. I am relieved it wasn't the camera. BTW I stashed her things after I retrieved them from the trash. I cleaned everything and packed all her lovely new clothes away after the purge for now. I could not bear to see them in the trash and just tossed away like that. I will try wait for DH to come to terms with everything. Not my strong point but I will try very hard to give both my husband and my girl some space. I miss her though.

Sherri,
In all honesty I want both. I want to share this and I have some umm needs I would like her to help me fill. Big hint I am bi-sexual. So oh yeah, I have this pressing need here. I love men. I honestly do but I do miss the softness, the sensual materials, silk on silk sliding and...well guess that is another thread isn't it?

[nikisbest]

Well there is only one thing to say to you, god your husband is lucky.
Sorry dear, but I am at a loss, my wife is very good to me, and she knows, but your hubby has it made, and dont realize it. Anyway, just wanted to say how lucky he is and how good you are.
Niki

Erica,
Thanks for the POV. I am relieved it wasn't the camera. BTW I stashed her things after I retrieved them from the trash. I cleaned everything and packed all her lovely new clothes away after the purge for now. I could not bear to see them in the trash and just tossed away like that. I will try wait for DH to come to terms with everything. Not my strong point but I will try very hard to give both my husband and my girl some space. I miss her though.

Sherri,
In all honesty I want both. I want to share this and I have some umm needs I would like her to help me fill. Big hint I am bi-sexual. So oh yeah, I have this pressing need here. I love men. I honestly do but I do miss the softness, the sensual materials, silk on silk sliding and...well guess that is another thread isn't it?

[Maureen Henley]

Mae,

The usual pattern is that the CD tends to rush in at the first sign of acceptance, and the SO needs to apply retraint. I think perhap, you are overwhelming her. She probably didn't expect the level of acceptrance and rapidity of your adjustment.

She may be mis-interpreting your enthusiasm for a desire to take over and "run" her crossdressing. I'm sure this is not your intent, but very often, these misunderstandings occur, even between couples who believe that they know each other well.

The only suggestion I can make is to keep it cool, and try to lead a conversation in that direction and sound her out. I would recommend against any overt actions, such as more purchases, laying out clothes, etc. Perhaps a limited photo session at most

Best wishes,

Maureen

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Mae, You got me on that one. The only thing I could possibly think is that she thinks you are trying to intrude too much. Everyone talks about the feminine mystique but never about the male one. Being a guy who is a crossdresser definately ain't easy. We wrestle with our thoughts and feelings all of the time contrary to popular belief. The pressure to be a man in today's society is tremendous and can be a real back breaker at times. Some guys crumble under the pressure and do crazy things. Others retreat from it and do what we do to find an escape. Men have the mistaken impression that women SEEM to have it easy, especially a SAH wife and mother. Nothing could be further from the truth as it is one one the hardest jobs on the planet. Some guys though possibly due to upbringing may just need their privacy. The fact that you are interested would be a godsend to someone like me because I would like a gal pal as well as a wife. It's your choice of course but try maybe backing off a little, and don't even talk about it. Just make sure the boundries are clear when it comes to your stuff. Men are "funny ducks" sometimes and as I am so well aware, sometimes solitude is the only thing they want. They don't like to discuss their feelings as openly as women do and have a hard time expressing them. That's my opinion. I wish you well and hope everything works out. Take care, Ericka

[cata]

My guess, and from my experience, we are constantly crossing back and forth, sometimes the desire is too great and overcomes the barriers, sometimes the barriers are too great and we purge and cease and desist....so you have to come to understand the signs...when the desire is there, what turns a CDer off...cata

[BeckyZ]

Stop trying so hard. You have behaved beyond wonderfully. It is your husband's move and he must come to accept his new place in his own way. Good luck.

[Jennaie]

Shame and guilt, thats all it is.

Nothing you did, she is just shamfull and feeling guilty. Just forget about it. This is not your problem, it is hers. She has to come to grips with it herself. When she does, you will be waiting. Don't suggest anything to her. Just let her be who she is.

Your a very understanding person. The only thing I can think of that might have turned her the other direction other than shame and guilt is if you laughed at her at any time, making a joke about her dressing. I don't know if you may have done this or not, but I can only assume that you did not.

Let this be her problem, not yours.

[Jenny Beth]

My guess is she isn't comfortable with herself yet and doesn't have all the answers as to why she crossdresses. There could be feelings of guilt and shame and who knows what all else and it's possible she just doesn't know how to communicate how she really feels.

[nancy58]

Mae,

I am befuddled, too, but I think it's his problem, not anything you've done. My wife knows about my CD-ing but prefers not to be involved, and I'm actually kind of self-conscious about it when it does come up. Maybe he's the same way.

I'm glad you fished her clothes out of the trash. If anyone is going to purge, the clothes that women might want really ought to go to a charity thrift shop. But I think that purging is just a short-term solution. The desire for CD-ing usually returns for most of us.

[TGMarla]

Hi Mae. I agree with the others. I'm totally at ease with myself about crossdressing. It doesn't bother me at all. But I've been in the closet my whole life. I don't know any other way. Were my wife to come and suddenly accept me, allow me to dress up, participate in it even, I'm not sure how I'd react. I might feel a bit strange about it all.

I think you need to back off some. Let him come to you. Instead, why not enjoy some of the things that got you two together in the first place? When he's ready, and realizes that he's got a real keeper in you, he'll come to you (I hope).

Thank you for sharing your perspectives with us.

[Janelle Young]

Hello Mae,

I don't think it is you or anything that you did. A past girlfriend found out about my dressing, this was while we were living together for about four years, so we knew each other pretty well. She was accepting of it and did not mind that I dressed. The first time I was 'she' in front of her, I dressed in what I thought was my best. My GF had nothing but good words about how I looked but in my mind I felt very silly about the way I looked. After that I did not want to dress in front of her because I felt that I looked silly. So here I was with a GF who did not mind and I was freaked out that I looked stupid in a dress. So after being found out by a woman who was OK with what I was, I did not want to be what I was. I felt so stupid to be dressed in front of her. It is hard to explain. She said I could dress up and I knew that I could, but I did not want to even though I did want to, if that makes any sense at all.

Fast forward to present day, about five years, and I now accept me for who and what I am. I have been a CDer for all of my life, 47 years. It has only been in the past few months that I have come to grips with that though. I think your DH is in the same place I was and with time he will come to be at the same place I am now. I wish I could tell you how long it will take for that to happen. I can not though. It is different for all of us. We all get 'there' sometime, but the journey is longer for some than for others.

This is so strange saying this to a GG that is accepting of what 'we' do but, hang in there. 'She' will come around and come to terms with what she is and then she will be comfortable around and in front of you.

For most of us here you are a dream come true and your DH will see that one day. For your sake I hope it is sooner as opposed to later, but in time it will happen. For now I can only advise you to step back and give her some room and also remind her from time to time that you love her, no matter what. Keep telling her you love her and try to talk with her as often as she is willing to. Us she's have a tendency to not want to talk or open up all of the time.

Good luck my dear and it goes with out saying that we are all here for you.

[bredalee25]

Mae, maybe she isn't as thrilled with dressing now that you know about it I know for me part of my dressing is doing it in secret ya know getting away with it behind your SO's back so to speak. Don't get me wrong if she found out and accepted my dressing i'd really be thrilled and dress more often than now which is usually when she's away or i'm away as I keep my femme things in the toolbox on my pick-up so I can dress when i'm not home. It's just a thought hope I shed a little light on this for you. ttfn

[Marissa_taylor]

Mae,
I have purged many times in the past. But after a while, I am back on ebay...spending hours shopping for another new wardrobe...hoping I can win that full sweep Olga nightgown at a reasonable price..etc..etc..
Maybe he hasn't fully come to terms with his femme identity. Whatever the reason, (shame, guilt, timidity,....) there is a very good chance he will open up to you again and want to share that side of him with you.
Hang in there, Mae!

He's lucky to have such a supportive SO.

Best wishes,
Marissa

[miche_miche]

Good evening ladies. I could really use a perspective different than my own, namely yours.

I have to tell you I don’t get it. I mean, if you told your S/O and s/he did the usual initial freak out and asked the usual twenty questions and in a short time [less than two months~ is that long??] is not only accepting but shopping and asking you to try on new outfits etc then why jump back into that lonely closet?

What am I missing? Should I have been a bit more reluctant to accept so he could feel like she had to talk me into accepting or tolerating CD? Is this normal? Wife or S/O is now okay with the CD-ing and wants to know and share it all and then the CD freaks out?

Hi Mae,

My first reaction to your post is that I'd just die of happiness if my SO were to treat me as you treat yours, that your SO is just crazy and should thank her lucky stars and just be happy. And then I remember . . .

When my SO and I first got together I was very frank about crossdressing. We dressed together as part of sex play and that was great.

One night we were with some friends, and somehow the topic of crossdressing came up. She said, very lightly, "sometimes (my name here) wears my clothes when we're alone!" I can't remember how anyone else reacted, but I know that I thought I'd die and said nothing. I tried to talk to her about it later, and she couldn't understand why I was so upset. She thought is was no big deal, that she was accepting, and that if I didn't make a big deal of it no one else would either. I just couldn't make her understand that I was TERRIFIED!

After that one incident, I never wanted to crossdress around her again, or even talk about it. That was maybe 18 years ago. I just stopped sharing, then stopped dressing, even alone. I think it hurt the sexual part of relationship, but we love each other and we're still together all these years later.

About three years ago I started crossdressing again, completely in secret, although I was talking to a therapist about it. So this is 15 years later. One day when we were getting dressed, my SO said "I think you should put my panties on." Totally out of the blue. I couldn't believe that I had heard correctly, and must have been standing there like a deer in the headlights. She said again, quite distinctly, "You should do it right now." Like your husband, I should have been grateful for the acceptance, I should have been thrilled. What actually happened is that I was totally unable to speak, I said nothing, she said nothing more, after a few moments I walked out of the room. We have never talked about it again.

The thing that overwhelmed everything else in me was terror, and I feel like I missed the opportunity to improve my life. I don't know if that's what's happening to your husband, but I know how very powerful that fear of discovery can be.

I don't know if that helps. Maybe it was just an excuse to tell my own story, I don't know. In any case, thanks for sharing yours.

Best,
[SIZE="2"]miche[/SIZE]

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Mae

You have done nothing wrong
Your DH is struggling to come to terms with your enthusiasm. I,m sure that he is scared. Accepting this so quickly has really confused you DH his mind is probably wondering how far you intend to take this. This could be the reason behind the purging. Most of us have gone through the guilt more than once and have discovered it can be expensive. Well done on retrieving the clothes.

You have to let him know you did not mean to upset him. Very few CD's ever give up completely, so I suspect you DH will start again. Tell him you love him no matter what he's wearing. I would also suggest he has a private conversation with someone here. He will then realise how lucky he is.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Sounds, honestly, selfish, self centered and narcissitic. Then again, maybe deep deep down self hate and loathing. Then again, maybe both.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

And...my guess about you're trying so hard is that there is a lack of emotional intimacy. You wish to be closer. He's all bottled up. He spilled his secret. You didn't run and hide. Thought, maybe this is what has kept him so distant. Seized the opportunity to 'join' with him in this, thinking now we'll be closer. It hasn't worked. You're frustrated and feel defeated.

That's just a hunch based on what you've said.

I'd quit beating yourself up, quit trying so hard and just flat out ask him "What is up!?"

[Eugenie]

About your initial question, it is always difficult to understand one's motivations. One possibility, in addition to the many other that have been proposed on this discussion, is that there is a part in x-dressing that depends a little bit upon the "thrill of the forbiden thing". More generally, if something is too easy to achieve part of the fun is disapearing...

But this is just one more idea to help you understand your SO's motivations. As many have said, most of us would be delighted having a wife so cooperative

Big hint I am bi-sexual. So oh yeah, I have this pressing need here. I love men. I honestly do but I do miss the softness, the sensual materials, silk on silk sliding and...well guess that is another thread isn't it?

On this point, it is not clear wheter you have spoken to your husband about that motivation of yours. While most X-dressers would just love to have a "lesbian" relation with a GG, it may be something that could either turn him on beautifully or on the contrary just frighten the hell out of him.

I hope for you two that you will find the way to enjoy eachother's and mutual happyness.

Love.

Eugenie

[Katiegirl]

dancinginthedark GG

CD's are all different and there could be a multitude of reasons for her reaction and the previous posts deal with most of them.

I have one to add - has she had a bad experience in the past and not said anything to you? I had one many years ago and it though I am mostly over it, it is still in the back of the mind.

How do you at least get her talking about it - why not show her this thread, that may be a start.

I hope you are able to sort your problems out sooner rather than later as I think you are both hurting.

[dancinginthedark]

He just might be over wellemed to much all at once. Myself I'm really not that proud of myself for being this way but I still feel I want to be pretty for myself nobody else. So I'm extreamly shy and embarrased about showing myself to her with the small liberties that I have taken in cd. Is that the case with your gurl ? It is a large step I know how I felt the first time that I saw myself totaly dressed I was conflicted and though I was looking at somebody else kinda gets into the core of your being. Mae just take time with her it sounds by your desciption that this has been to much at one time.

Hope this helps JOY

Joy,
I wondered the same things, was it too much all at once. To go from totally hiding to being accepted, to going over board [kid in candy store] then hiding again. I knew she had doubts and was shy at first. Seemed to be doing better with that after plenty of praise and compliments. I think the definitive “opps” I made was to ask if DH was willing to see where the CD-ing would go now that I knew. My reasoning was if DH had never explored this part fully perhaps we should let her out. To live and to play and to grow. If it was only sexual, no problem but if it was more then wasn't it good and right that this person have the space to grow too? I plan to continue to let things clam down, no notes and no more talks for now. I am hopeful that DH will want to talk again someday. In the mean time, I will just keep reading and learning and hopefully when she is ready I will not only be there but be better equipped to be there in a more meaningful way to DH. I'm still learning too. Thanks for your POV.

[dancinginthedark]

Well there is only one thing to say to you, god your husband is lucky.
Sorry dear, but I am at a loss, my wife is very good to me, and she knows, but your hubby has it made, and dont realize it. Anyway, just wanted to say how lucky he is and how good you are.
Niki

Niki,
I appreciate you sentiment and the kind words. I do. I can sense your kindness and intent. But I don't see my acceptance or behavior as “all that” or so wonderful and terrific of me to actually love my DH. IMHO I am only giving what I have gotten, love and acceptance. It isn't a conditional thing. To decide that what my DH wears rules how I see him or if I can love and accept him/her is nuts. That kind of love is just too darn conditional… Please ladies it is not something to be glorified when a GG accepts CD-ing. It should be the norm not the acceptation to the rule.