What am I missing? Question from a GG to CD

[dancinginthedark]

Mae,

The usual pattern is that the CD tends to rush in at the first sign of acceptance, and the SO needs to apply retraint. I think perhap, you are overwhelming her. She probably didn't expect the level of acceptrance and rapidity of your adjustment.

She may be mis-interpreting your enthusiasm for a desire to take over and "run" her crossdressing. I'm sure this is not your intent, but very often, these misunderstandings occur, even between couples who believe that they know each other well.

The only suggestion I can make is to keep it cool, and try to lead a conversation in that direction and sound her out. I would recommend against any overt actions, such as more purchases, laying out clothes, etc. Perhaps a limited photo session at most

Best wishes,

Maureen

Maureen,
I can definitely see your points. I didn’t want to take over the CD. I did want to share in it after DH asked me to during the initial talk and every talk after wards this notion was reinforced. I had asked how DH saw this progressing and what role [if any] I would play. I am aware for some it is a very private matter and acceptance is wanted/needed but not participation. We had some very frank talks and DH definitely wanted me to be a partner, friend and then some. I had asked if the CD would be something that only occurred infrequently and was it purely sexual etc…
I have already stopped with the hints and notes etc and decided to play it by ear until I talked with you all and got some advice. Guess for now I will try to beat DH out to the mail box and just keep my mouth shut. I have a few more items on order and they should be in the mail next week. I will just put them with the rest of the stuff I savaged after his purge. But darn I really wanted to see how those new boots would look on her. Guess I am being selfish/greedy here. ~ I will keep DH’s comfort levels more firmly in place and let DH set the pace unless I see DH beating himself up or truly miserable. I cannot ignore the CD-ing and I absolutely cannot bear to see the pain. It's a fine line between giving space to someone and leaving them in their own personal purgatory.

[Jill]

First of all, bless you for being so accepting and open with everything. Second of all, I think it's obvious that you are frustrated and you just want to be happy with your SO. We can give you advice, opinions and point of views, but I think the only person that can answer your questions for sure is your SO. Your original post was well written and very open about your feelings, my advice would be to communicate those exact feelings to him and talk about it. Ask him what he wants, he can tell you better then anyone. Good luck.

[WendyCD]

Hi

I have been in a personal and lonely funk lately, concerned that my CDing is part of, but not all of it, midlife, children growing up, job, yada yada. I am in the closet and that has isolated me for reasons not relevant to what I want to say. Reading all these wonderful posts have made me realize that my wife obviously suspects, knows. She never approved, but I sense active disapproval lately. Probably because I'm closed off emotionally - and it's not all just the xdressing, as I said.

There have been times, which are very enjoyable and non threatening, when we can connect in appeciation of things feminine - fanatastic wardrobes in alot of old movies - like Long Hot Summer, Peyton Place, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof - and those are just the more well known ones. Also, my wife will bring in a stack of Glamour or Redbook and we'll go through them. But, and I prefer this, not in a way directed towards ME, but in a common interest kind of way. CDing is NEVER mentioned, but she makes it safe for us to share the admiration. Sometimes we watch "What Not To Wear" together, and it's fun.

Just her wearing nice things - silky, sexy, not cheap adult store type of clothes, sometimes vintage (from ebay) - and allowing me to enjoy it on her, is great too. Again, we don't acknowledge any CD issues, we don't have to, it's safe, and is enough for me - and SHE's the star of the show.

Just some thoughts.

Hope I said all this right. He is very lucky. Good luck. You will be fine. You sound like a wonderful person.

[Julie.]

... I never rejected him or her. I have literally made lists of what is good and wonderful about being with a CD and given them to my husband so he would be very clear on this. I love him. I accept him. It is okay. I have read until my eyes are crossed. I have reassured and flattered. ~ I have seen him fully dressed a hand full of times. She looked wonderful BTW. And yes, I said so. Several times. I have shopped till I dropped too. I encouraged him to join here and he has been here a total of One time to post and twice to read over my shoulder. I have tried laying out outfits. I have done everything except hold a gun on him and forced him to dress again. I have tried telling him flat out to wear the silk panties I bought (or any panties for that matter) every day. I even said please. I told him I would love it. No go. I talked matter of fact. I talked dirty. I made suggestions. I offered to shave his legs and do his brows. I have been pushy, I have been coy, and I have backed off. ...

Snipped a great big chunk....

Ummmm... will you marry me ?...

MrS

[Sarahgurl371]

Mae,

In my opinion your SO is probably withdrawing because of fear and nervousness. Fear that he / she is showing a part of himself that no one else has ever seen. Nervous about your reaction. Although your reaction has been quite frankly what most of us dream about, and you should not feel bad about yourself at all.

Back when my wife and I were still exploring this (she does not accept any of it anymore), I felt tremendous fear and apprehension when dressing in front of her. I was extrememly worried that she would see something she did not like, and obviously something that is a part of me. We wish for acceptance but at least in my case, are afraid to face the situation when it arises. But we cannot get to acceptance unless we get through those awkward and even humiliating first experiences. So much of this all for me was worry about losing my wife over this. Equally, I was worried that i might do or say something that would be detrimental to her. Such a double edged sword.

The purge thing was probably evidence that your SO is still fighting himself about all this. When times are good for me, I feel great knowing I have my "wardrobe", but as soon as that little bit of self doubt, self consciouness, self loathing kicks in, I feel that everything has to go. I think that you have done a better job of accepting than he has of his feminine side.

Take it easy on yourself, and hopefully in time the two of you will be able to talk through this.

[carol ann]

Joy, My worry would be that you have a husband who can only see his own point of view and is totally selfish.

Although my wife is aware, I have kept in the closet because i know that she cannot accept my crossdressing emotionally. Becaue I love her very much i would not wish her to have to accept undue stress and therefore sublimate my urges to the good of the whole relationship. Perhaps your husband needs to face up to this!

[SexySimone2005]

I don't see that you have done anything wrong, even with the photos. I mean all relationships are built on friendship and compromise.
If my wife was as understanding as you have been I would have been over the moon. But alas my wife likes my CD/TVing behind closed doors away from her eyes.
I have been en-femme once in front of her at a fancy dress party, I went as Posh Spice (Spice Girls) our group was suppose to go as the complete spice girls (minus Ginger of course) but the brother in law went as Scary spice and my wife and his wife chickened out. Anyways my wife thought my look was too convincing and I later found out jealousy played a bigger part as the loaned clothes I had fitted a little too perfectly.

Simone

[Dixie Darling]

Mae,

That’s a totally new one on me. I can guarantee you that if I have suddenly gained such sincere acceptance and ENCOURAGEMENT to dress (and I think most of the other CDs with no acceptance would say the same thing), I would take all precautions to safeguard and preserve it.

It IS possible, as others here have suggested, that all the sudden acceptance and enthusiasm that you’ve shown him has thrown him off guard so to speak. Maybe he thinks it’s all a “cover up” and you don’t truly feel the way you have described it to us here in the forum. I WILL agree that you’ve done the right thing by rescuing the things he’s thrown away and putting them into safekeeping for a later time. You can bet your bottom dollar that the time will come when he wishes he HADN’T discarded all his things, so just hang on to them and keep them out of his sight for the time being. Maybe when he “comes to his senses” would be a more opportune time to give them back to him a little at a time.

And BTW, I know that someone is going to ask this question sooner or later so I'll go ahead and ask it now - - Are there any more at home like you????

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[kathy gg]

I know you asked the cd's...but big mouth here has to reply.......

Hey girl...been reading all your posts...think you are being an awesome partner and being very loving and giving and ...well as several have stated a "dream come true".....

all I can tell you is this....it does not surprise me one bit. ...alot of these very sweet guys have hang-ups ....to list a few
Getting used to being completely honest around a partner
Getting used to being treated with respect and dignity.
Getting used to being en femme with a partner

And then of course they wonder when the hammer will fall and you will turn into the Excorsists condeming the dressing and calling them a weirdo.

So they hesitate to trust completely, they hesitate to be completely honest, and they put off dressing around you.

I can remember guys telling me when I was single that I was too accepting, my acceptance was imtimidating and made them nervous. I remember guys saying how they had dreamed of finding a girl into this, but then once talking to me, it scared them to death and would cut off all contact with me. Was I hideous, was I too "weird"????...I wondered if I was the problem.,....until I realized that it had nothing to do with 'me' and everything to do with the guy just not ready or at a point in life where he could accept this part of himself 100%.

Which is why I constantly harp on the fact that until a guy can accept who he is, a girlfriend or wives acceptance is pretty much useless.

You can't "make" him be okay with who he is. he has to be ready to embrace himself and then be ready for you to embrace him. You can't talk him into liking this side of himself...he has to want to do that. It has to come from with-in. It might require personal reflection and deep thinking and who knows what else {therapy?}.

Not even wanting to come to this forum shows alot of nervousness for what he might find....yikes..cd's who are comfortable with having this as a part of their being...and that might mean ....that he has to start dealing with who he is.

I hate to say it, but ... ....there is only so much you can do till he is ready to start the hard work of personal acceptance and self love.

Hugs girl and I say cut and paste all these replys off for him to read.....maybe he needs to ssee this literally in black and white what a treasure you are and what he needs to do to get on the ball ....

[DonnaT]

I won't try and guess at what is going through his mind, but you did nothing wrong.

Many CDs go through cycles of dressing. Some find there is a sort of thrill or adrenaline rush to dressing in secret and worrying about getting caught.

When they get caught or find getting caught is no big deal, the thrill is gone and the desire to dress lessens.

Many CDs just go through cycles of wanting and not wanting to dress.

My suggestion is to just let it go. He knows you are accepting and you have nothing to prove.

Since he's purged (congratulations on retrieving everything, you did right) then keep an eye on your things and see if he disturbs them.

Maybe in a few days, pretend to have bought something new (an item that was purged that he might adore), waltz in with it in a shopping bag, pull it out and say "look what I bought, isn't it pretty?" Then hang it your closet and see if he disturbs it.

If he doesn't then he may be put off dressing for a little while.

If he does disturb it, then maybe he's into the thrill of hiding his CDing. If so, then he needs to start being honest with you about his feelings.

[crossing_over]

maybe i can explain that......

my mom knows i cd.....she's fine with it... has dropped me gifts here and there... such as perfume, makeup, etc....... we used to communicate in what we called the "mailbox".. it was a envelope that we would write notes to each other in to communicate but we NEVER talked face to face about it mainly because i didnt want to.... i dont know why but i am too shy to do it in front of her or talk to her about it without just writing a note to her..... like right now.... im wearing the proper lady's attire underneathe my normal clothing and have 2 shirts on at that to hide my bra straps... even though she's perfectly fine with me wearing it..... it's hard to explain but i think he's too shy and embarrassed like me.....whenever i write her a note i cry as i'm writing it because i'm so embarrassed...... hope this helps.... -Elizabeth

[Ellaine]

Niki,
I appreciate you sentiment and the kind words. I do. I can sense your kindness and intent. But I don't see my acceptance or behavior as “all that” or so wonderful and terrific of me to actually love my DH. IMHO I am only giving what I have gotten, love and acceptance. It isn't a conditional thing. To decide that what my DH wears rules how I see him or if I can love and accept him/her is nuts. That kind of love is just too darn conditional… Please ladies it is not something to be glorified when a GG accepts CD-ing. It should be the norm not the acceptation to the rule.

Hi Mae Nothing to add to the wisdom and speculation already offered, exept I have to say: that unconditional love is awesome, and "all that".

[Jasmine Ellis]

Wish I had a wife like you dear. God, he's so blody lucky to have someone like you. God bless you sweetheart.........

[sharifemme]

Dancing...

Welcome! Glad to have you here!

I guess I did the same thing to my wife and we have both suffered with the results ever since to a degree.

I had dealt with tremendous guilt for years before Marge heard about Shari. It's very hard to get over that. On one hand I loved the freedom she gave me to start expressing my femme side and on the other, I still had some guilt and trouble accepting limits and criticism. In the end, I think Marge got tired of trying to tread a fine line and I hesitated to continue sharing that part of me any more than I thought was comfortable for her.

I finally learned that I have to be who I am and whether I am alone or I get to be with someone I love, that will never change. I will not ever purge or attempt to stop being transgender again. ANYbody who can't deal with it has to accept it as their problem - it isn't mine any longer. Whether I present as male or female, something in between or something else, it is a part of who I am. Yes, I have male parts of my life and female ones. They do not often cross paths outside the home.

Now, I don't push myself on anybody, especially Marge. If she wants to be with the male side specifically, I do that. If Shari wants to be with her best girlfriend, she's bound to ask Marge to participate. Sometimes we agree and sometimes we don't.

Anyway, you will both have to learn to be patient with each other. Your husband hasn't been free to express his femme side for you for very long and you haven't had that long to deal with it either. I can't tell you that everything will be always peachy but if you can keep doing what you are doing, I think you both will be alright. If you could get some outside support that would be even more helpful.

Sharifemme

[Ellaine]

I can't tell you that everything will be always peachy but if you can keep doing what you are doing, I think you both will be alright. If you could get some outside support that would be even more helpful.

Sharifemme

Good point Sharri.. Perhaps something like.. " Let me know when you are ready, and we'll go to a support group meeting together..."


Best wishes anyway..posts are nuggets!

[Paulette]

You are really a super person and your SO is so lucky. While I would die for someone like you everyone is different. Take it slow and let it build, I would think if you talk about it in a non-confrontalial manner you will get him to open up. I would also check and see where he is on the scale of wanting to play dress up.

He could very well be questioning his manhood. Let him know that there are thousands just like him in mabny ways with the great big exception that he has you and you are excepting.

[dancinginthedark]

Shame and guilt, thats all it is.

Nothing you did, she is just shamfull and feeling guilty. Just forget about it. This is not your problem, it is hers. She has to come to grips with it herself. When she does, you will be waiting. Don't suggest anything to her. Just let her be who she is.

Your a very understanding person. The only thing I can think of that might have turned her the other direction other than shame and guilt is if you laughed at her at any time, making a joke about her dressing. I don't know if you may have done this or not, but I can only assume that you did not.

Let this be her problem, not yours.

No name calling or laughter. I was concerned I would have some negative reaction the first time I saw him become her, but it seemed so natural at the time it actually occurred. I had bought some new outfits and asked if he would like to let her try them on. DH's eyes glowed with excitement and I was invited to see. It ended up like a fashion show with lots of clothing changes so we could see how this went with that etc... then two hours later I realized he was now her. Kind of a, "Oh, so this is who she is. Okay. She is kind of shy but so darn cute." OHHHH, light bulb going off moment! She is shy! Jeez, I can be so dense sometimes. This is not lthe only problem but it could be a part of it. We did talk about DH's mixed feelings and having the shame, guilt and confusion but I thought we where making some head way on those. I imagine self acceptance is not a one time kind of thing. ~ Either way, the ball is in her court. I'll wait. Thanks for your POV.

[dancinginthedark]

Snipped a great big chunk....

Ummmm... will you marry me ?...

MrS

MrS,
Thanks for the compliment hun, you made me giggle and I haven't done much of that lately. (((hug)))

[dancinginthedark]

Joy, My worry would be that you have a husband who can only see his own point of view and is totally selfish.

Although my wife is aware, I have kept in the closet because i know that she cannot accept my crossdressing emotionally. Becaue I love her very much i would not wish her to have to accept undue stress and therefore sublimate my urges to the good of the whole relationship. Perhaps your husband needs to face up to this!

Carol Ann,
Bless your heart for being strong enough and honest enough to say outloud what I was too ashamed to. I wondered about this and felt so awful thinking it I dismissed it. I felt like a turd just thinking something that negative but think it I did. Just seeing someone else consider this possiblity makes me feel better about myself. (((hugs)))

Although my first thought is to say I'm sorry after reading how uncomfortable the dressing makes your DW my strongest thought is how lucky your DW is that you are so compassionate and understanding of her needs.

[dancinginthedark]

I know you asked the cd's...but big mouth here has to reply.......

I can remember guys telling me when I was single that I was too accepting, my acceptance was imtimidating and made them nervous. I remember guys saying how they had dreamed of finding a girl into this, but then once talking to me, it scared them to death and would cut off all contact with me. Was I hideous, was I too "weird"????...I wondered if I was the problem.,....until I realized that it had nothing to do with 'me' and everything to do with the guy just not ready or at a point in life where he could accept this part of himself 100%.

Which is why I constantly harp on the fact that until a guy can accept who he is, a girlfriend or wives acceptance is pretty much useless.

I hate to say it, but ... ....there is only so much you can do till he is ready to start the hard work of personal acceptance and self love.

Hugs girl and I say cut and paste all these replys off for him to read.....maybe he needs to ssee this literally in black and white what a treasure you are and what he needs to do to get on the ball ....

Kathy,
No problem with your posting, glad you did. I think you made a lot of good points that I had not considered before this. Who would? I know I never thought you could be too accepting of a loved one for being who they are.

[carol ann]

Mae

I have taken the opportunity to read all your threads on this forum and now believe you are victim.

There are many and varied reasons why men crossdress - it is a compulsion - but most will stop short of doing something that will cause hurt to others.

I have only a minute or two now but will expand perhaps later, but I believe you should no longer continue accepting the sort of treatment you have described. It sounds as though your husband needs psychiatric help although I doubt he would admit it.


I believe you should tell him that he has become a person other than the one you believed you were married to and you need it sorted.

[Krissi]

I will add that with her being shy, coupled with your enthusiasm and willingness to help, a big bad fear of having to go out in the world may have gotten her. She could also be thinking that you love the girly version more than the manly one.

I have a very supportive wife as well. We've had all kinds of dress up fun (hint: she's bi curious) I have size issues that keep me from going out in public, but every Halloween she encourages me to dress up for parties and such, it just seems that family or coworkers always end up going to the same parties and I usually end up being the one to back out then.

When I give advice to CDs wanting to slowly break the news to their spouse, I tell them to start with little things, could work for you to draw her out a little. You might start pointing out outfits, at the mall or store. Simple things like, "oh look at that skirt that lady is wearing, isn't it cute!" Create a dialog, without being in a setting where it is possible to dress. Small talk like that can lead to the simple drop in, "oh that would look wonderful on me, even better on you." Another idea is to start slowly mixing in wearing some things that you normally wouldn't or don't like to, like hose and heels, things that you know she loves. A trip to the mall, or out to eat with you dressed a little tarty, and some small talk about outfits or whatever. Pique her interest without pushing her buttons. 0.02

[Krissi]

It's not what you are missing, its what she is, that little link in her head that tells her....Hey I have the perfect set up here!

[linnea]

I agree that it is her problem, but obviously to work her "problem" out, she is going to need your continued support. I think that that means a fairly light touch--not pushing too hard or being too hurried to accept. She has struggled with identity, shame, and guilt for a long time, probably. It might need to involve some struggle to make her feel comfortable with your acceptance.
I envy her.

[Annaliese]

Mae talk to her, show her this post. I think that most are right that she has not accepted her fem self yet.

Good luck.

Anna