Family Exposure...right or wrong?

[Si]

Hello. My father has revealed to me (approx 6 months ago) that he likes to CD. Since then, I 've continued to have a relationship with him. I don't believe that I should stop loving, caring, or respecting him. My brothers, on the other hand, can not accept it or be willing to understand it. They thought that maybe it was just a "bedroom thing". But in the last few months my Dad has almost completely transformed into a female. He CD's 24/7 including work. He just recently spoke openly and sternly about his decision to CD 24/7 even around family regardless if they accept it or not. He tries to convience me and my brother that he fools everyone and that he looks so good this way. He showed up at my brothers house all dressed up and fluanted his new figure and outfit in front of him, his girlfriend, and their 3 yr old daughter. Needless to say, this is the first time ever making any effort to visit him at his home. He was never the kind of Dad who put family first or kept in touch much. He also spoke to my other brother who also is very confused about the whole situation and was telling him about the new sexy bikini he just bought. My brothers were having a hard enough time trying to deal with the fact that Dad is gone and never comming back and now they are being asked to accept something and someone that they don't understand.....and no...he's not the same person anymore...he will even admit to that. I use to find it upsetting that I would end up being Dads advocate when talking to my brothers. They would ask me the questions/ concerns that Dad should've been answering for himself. But now that he is contacting them and shoving his new identity down their throats, I realize how destructive this whole situation is becomming. It's not one persons fault. I just feel like bomb has been ignited in my family and I want to take cover before the explosion. My family blames me for Dads choices because I still talk to him. They think I encouraged him and feel that I should stop talking to him about CD alltogether and ask him to keep it to himself. I'm confused and becomming stressed. I started seeing a therapist who only gets paid to listen. Is their anyone out their that can offer any imput at all negative or positive? Thanks!

[Momarie]

I was really touched by your post and very impressed by you.
You are so composed, articulate and write beautifully.
It seems you and your family have been exposed to a lot of pain and it doesn't seem right for so many to suffer at the expense of one's happiness.

Your Dad is your Dad.....and it should be your decision to talk to him or not.

You are so smart to find someone to talk to about this and if you don't feel you are getting any help, then keep looking until you find someone you are comfortable with.

In my mind, it is your and your brothers time to shine and it shouldn't be diluted by your Dad's need to strut his stuff.....that seems very selfish to me.

Don't lose focus of your own life through all of this....it's a complicated issue and hard enough for adults to cope with, both the transgendered and the ones that love them. I personally think kids should be protected and shielded from this.
Your Dad could fulfill himself and his desire to dress to his hearts content and still find a way to compromise as well as the adults in your family to try to accept him.

Don't get so wrapped up in all this that you lose sight of your own hearts desires.....and it's ok to grieve for the Dad you knew and loved.

[Connieminiskirts]

I think your dad has aserious problem. Seems he has some crazy idea that HE has to be the center of attention and the "hell" with what family friends or anyone thinks. He is NOT at all funny nor does he seem to be adult. He is acting like a spoiled child who just wants what he wants.

I think also it would be very helpful to yourself to get away from him and his foolishness. Get far away, disassociate with him. He is not much of a dad, forcing his "new life" on your brothers and yourself is wrong totally wrong, He should be in therapy, serious therapy.

Thats my 2 cents worth.

Connie

[Dana]

The fact that your Dad is a CD ~ 24/7 is immaterial. When you go to someone else's house ~ are invited into their Home ~ you abide by THIER rules, and wishes. You may not agree with them ~ that's fine ~ you have the option to leave. You just don't go into someone house and disrespect them, their family, their wishes, their values.

My DD and DS are conservative ~ with my DD having strong Christian religious leanings, I would NEVER go into her house and impose my will, thoughts, believes upon her, her DH, and my DGS. When I'm in their house ~ its there rules, their opinions, their values, and beliefs that matter.

You DON'T have to approve of your Dad, nor for that matter even like him ~ but to the greatest extent possible ~ you do have to try and love them ~ you only have one set of parents in this life.

If Dad wants to dress 24/7 in "HIS" house ~ that's all fine, well and good, you and your brothers have the option of NOT going over there.

And although you have been very articulant in your post, ~ and have gone into great depth ~ these are waters that can run deep. It is possible that Dad isn't a CD at all ~ he may be a late bloomming, full blown TS ~ which is another topic altogether, upon which although knowledgeable of the subject, I am not qualified to comment upon in great depth, and will leave to others more knowledgabel, and qualified to do so.

Personally, and that's all that it is ~ my personal opinion ~ I think Dad may have issues ~ and I don't mean necessarly pyschological, mental, emotional issues. It could very well be physiclogical ~ and I would think a full medical checkup would be in order. I say this ~ because his behavior flies in the face of conventional wisdom and behavior of this board ~ a board comprised for the most part of MTF and FTM CD's, TG, and TS. I don't think ANY of the members of this borad would argue that Dad's behavior ~ attitude is rational. To the contrary ~ if you take the time to read through the posts, you will find that a common thread her is the great anguish we all experience in revealing our CD'ing to anyone ~ let alone everyone. That is to say, your Dad's behavior and attitude flies in the face of conventional wisdom of even us ~ and we're CD's?

When we as CD's reveal ourseleves to someone ~ espeically someone that we're close to and love ~ it is done with MUCH forethought and soul searching ~ and many come on the boards seeking the conventional wisdom and experience of other memebers of this board. It is a VERY intimate, and personal aspect of our being ~ and is JUST not shared with anyone and everyone.

Personally, my children do not know that I'm a CD ~ and personally I don't see where it is any more of thiei business anymore than the most personal and intimate details of their personal life is any concern of mine. When my DD told me that she was sexually active ~ the conversation turned more clinical in nature ~ and my personal concern that she was taking such resonable and responsible behavior to protect her physical, mental and emotional health ~ and that she was being proactive ~ and understood that being proactive in handling this aspect of her life very much needed.

Keep posting ~ we'll help you as best we can ~ and provide you a sounding board if nothing else. Thus far to date ~ Dad isn't doing so well here.

I would also consider ~ letting Dad know about this board. Perhaps he could gain some insight, reflection, perspective.

I don't know how much you've read into the threads, but one of the aspects of being a CD, and finally finding self - acceptance, (let alone acceptance from others) is that there's the "Kid In A Candy Store" syndrone where the individual CD runs amok ~ as though a kid deprived of candy all their lives suddenly discovers candy.

I wish the best for you ~ and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family~!

[Clare]

[SIZE=3]Hiya Si.

I'm unable to determine if you're a GG (real woman) or a guy, but I feel for you and your family. It sounds like you're being used as conduit between your family and your Father - I think you need to break that process before it wrecks YOUR relationship with other members of the Family! I get the vibe that family happiness and security is very important to you personally.

As for your Father. He seems self obsessed with his crossdressing and his attitude to others is deplorable! I believe he has real pyschological problems in facing his views of reality and needs serious clinical help.

... his behavior flies in the face of conventional wisdom and behavior of this board ~ a board comprised for the most part of MTF and FTM CD's, TG, and TS. I don't think ANY of the members of this borad would argue that Dad's behavior ~ attitude is rational. To the contrary ~ if you take the time to read through the posts, you will find that a common thread her is the great anguish we all experience in revealing our CD'ing to anyone ~ let alone everyone. That is to say, your Dad's behavior and attitude flies in the face of conventional wisdom of even us ~ and we're CD's?
When we as CD's reveal ourseleves to someone ~ espeically someone that we're close to and love ~ it is done with MUCH forethought and soul searching ~ and many come on the boards seeking the conventional wisdom and experience of other memebers of this board. It is a VERY intimate, and personal aspect of our being ~ and is JUST not shared with anyone and everyone.

Dana's comments are relevant. We crossdressers agonise over the effects that the revealation of our crossdressing will do to us and our loved ones. Your Father seems to have just exploded without consideration of the after affects.

Don't get caught up taking sides Si. Take the neutral ground with your Family, but remain close to them. As for your Father, I think for the interim, it's best to let your Dad go down his own path until his current actions subside.

I hope you can get through this difficult time Si.
[/SIZE]

[Helen MC]

As a CD myself my sympathies are largely with your father. He is a person in his own right and should be free to follow his own star as it where. As Dana says he does not NEED the approval of others.

It seems to me that CDs and TVs are dammed if they do and dammed if they don't. Stay in the closet and they are condemned for not being honest with their SO, family, friends etc, come out and they are lambasted as perverts, freaks etc and often wrongly accused of being Homosexuals.

If you can still accept him whether he dresses en-femme or not, then I salute you and maybe you can act as a conduit between him and the less tolerant members of your family. On a purely biological basis he is the man who is responsible for your existance and theirs so you owe him that if nothing else.

As a teenager I could see the conflicts inherent in being a father and a cross-dresser and opted never to have kids although I was married for 10 years, my wife didn't want kids either but for different reasons. I have never regretted that choice.

In any event, Good Luck to you and to your father.

[Toni]

[SIZE=4]If your dad wants to CD 24/7 in his own home then thats fine, but when he shoves it down the throats of his family in their homes then that is not good at all. On top of this you have him flaunting himself in front of a three year old - he should be ashamed of himself. In a word it's TVs like him that make thing tough for the rest of us. I don't envy you being stuck in the middle of this mess, but I think you have to sympathise with your brothers as they are getting the thin end of the wedge from this "man". I usually come down on the side of TVs but I cannot find any redeeming features in this TV at all.[/SIZE]

[Kate Simmons]

As much as I love being Ericka, I never dress overtly with others even in my own home. I have to consider their feelings as well. If they happen to run into me when I'm all ready and going out en femme, that's another story. They already understand this though. Ericka

[Si]

Thank you so much for your comments. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to offer some imput with this difficult situation.

[DonnaT]

Hi Si, welcome to the forum.

It's nice to hear that you still love your dad.

It sounds like your brothers are making their problem your problem. Try not to bear the weight of the whole family on your shoulders.

You've done nothing wrong by remaining in caring relationship with him, and you certainly are not encouraging him by your acceptance. He has come to grips with who he is and what he wants to do, and nothing anyone of you can say will change his mind.

Is he being selfish? In a small way, maybe more of an obsession, when he needs to talk about CDing and the clothes he's bought or wears.

Since he has taken to dressing 24/7, even at work, then he's not being selfish in presenting himself to the rest of the family in the same manner that he presents himself the rest of the time. This is no different than if he were a transsexual and having to live as a woman 24/7 before transition.

I'm not sure if your father isn't more of a transgenderist, than a CD. Without talking to him, I couldn't even say he was or wasn't a transsexual. However, it doesn't mater how he may want to be labeled (not that he wants to be labeled), but he is being honest with everyone about how he wants to be seen, as a woman.

As for the 3 yr old. Now is the best time for her to get aquainted with how your father desires to dress. Much better than finding out when she's older. Of course, it is your brother's right to raise his daughter as he sees fit, which may mean that his daughter loses contact with her grandfather. But your brother does not have the right to teach her that what your father is doing is wrong. No one has the right to teach bigotry to another.

Do you need the therapist? In my opinion, you don't. All you need to do is tell your family that enough is enough. If they can't get past their prejudices, then more's the shame, but they have no right to try and indoctrinate you into having those same prejudices. None of this is your fault. You've done all the right things, as far as I can tell.

Note that being transgendered is birth characteristic, just like being left or right handed. There is no cure. It is not something your father has chosen. He has the right to live his life as he wishes.

[ava_bruna]

Ericka, for Si.
you are so right but then again what can a person do in such a situration with out hurting someone. there are just to many people involved. I myself feel that Dad is being STUPID for one BIG reason, which is, PUSHING his C Ding on other's,this is a private thing unless your with like minded people who share the same intress. Judge not lest we be judged. Good luck Si, huggies, Ava

[GG Vanya]

One's "rights" END, at the precise point where they begin to violate another person's rights.

Whether you are gay, CD, or an alcoholic for that matter, no one has the right to impose THEIR rights on another in the privacy of that person's own home, or private space.

I.E. Sure, the alcoholic has every right to get soused, but when he/she gets behind the wheel of a car and enters my world (highways) his/her rights just ended.

Gays have every right to their relationships, God Bless 'Em, but their right to express themselves passionately toward each other ends when they enter a space that is not comfortable with it. FORCING one's alternate lifestyle on family and/or the general public is not going to advance or change public acceptance and perception.

I feel very strongly about the sanctity and privacy of Mine and Trudi's home. If the doorbell rings and I have not invited someone over, I am not obligated to answer the door. If the phone rings and it is not convenient for me to answer, I don't. This is OUR home. We have gay friends, but if we invited them over, I would not expect them to engage in passionate behavior while in our home, just as we would not parade Trudi around in front of them. We have friends to tend to over indulge in alcoholic beverages. We seldom drink, but if we were recovering alcoholics, (which we are not) I would expect them to respect that while in OUR home.

I have a 3 year old grandson, and I can't even get my head around the idea of parading Trudi in front of that child. Sure, when a child is mature enough to understand the intricacies (good and bad) relating to alternate lifestyles, and wise enough to make their OWN choices about acceptance or rejection, I would advocate allowing them to make that choice.

Let the stones begin, but I think your father is being abusive to all of you, but especially the child. Putting you in the middle of this is nothing less than emotional blackmail.

Years ago, Ann Landers said: No one can take advantage of you unless YOU allow it.

I think that statement applies to you as well as your siblings.

I have been, and still am, in your position of being caught in the middle between my father and other siblings. My 'learned advice' to you is, do not allow yourself to be the pawn. Let the choices you make be YOUR choices, not made out of some sense of duty you might feel.

Sadly, as our parents age, they become like children again. The main drawback to this is, you can't treat them like one.

Though my situation is FAR different than yours (in dealing with being caught in the middle) I do feel your pain.

[purple_spider GG]

Hi
Your dad may have repressed all of this side of himself for years. The chances are that he has felt this way about himself since she was a young child but hoped it would go away of he got married and had children. The thing with being transgender is that it is not a hobby that you can chose to ignore or change at a whim, being transgender is inate and a part of who your dad really is. She was born this way and it is not something she can magic away.

We live in a heteronormative society that accepts only cisgendered identities and the messages perpetuated are that anything other than these states is wrong and perverted. So your dad would have hidden this all of her life up until now, she probably CD in secret when you were all out of the way but in the end she could not live with the lies and the pretense.

Of course it is hard for you as a family to come to terms with what she has revealed but she is still the same person inside. Si I think you are wonderful for continuing to support her, because your dad really needs someone to love and accept HER.

Stay Close is a site that supports families of GLBT people and I really think it would help you to contact them and find out information and support networks too.

Your dad is like a kid with a new toy, she has finally embraced her identity and is living life more freely than she ever did. In some respects she probably feels like she has only just begun to live her life. I can understand that the family feel awkward and like dad is shoving her gender issues at them, and perhaps you could talk to her about this as you are still close to her. Maybe you could suggest that as the family are still trying to come to terms with it that perhaps she could tone it down a bit, wear androgenous looks when she visits them, but also perhaps your family could be given information about it too.

Si you are doing nothing wrong in supporting your dad and you should continue to do so.

Hugs
debs
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Trudi_tv]

What seems to be most lacking in your dad is simple respect. Sadly, in life there are those who lack respect for themselves and have few or no personal boundaries. As a result they do not recognize or respect that others do have such boundaries and a sense for what is "appropriate".

Unfortunately a militant type mentality of "I'm here, deal with it" exists in all lifestyles and cultures. We all are exposed to it in one form or another and we can choose how to interact with it. A simple (although not necessarily easy) choice is to act, rather than re-act.

It sounds like you are a very reasonable person with a good heart. There is no reason for your kindness to be mistaken as weakness. You and your siblings have a right to maintain your personal boundaries, dad or not. It is clear you respect his right to live his life as he sees fit, however all relationships are a two way street.

Good luck and God Bless.

[Tonya_B]

I wouldn't let others influence on what you want to do or how to live your life. Do what makes you happy or you will always be in misery. If others can't accept it then its their loss.

[Sarahgurl371]

Si, first let me say that I admire you for comming here and trying to find some answers. Second there are people here who will listen and help you without getting paid to listen. Third these people are all here because either themselves or someone they love has gender issues of some sort. So remember that when you read are opinions. You can only do what is right for you.

I agree with purple spider about your dad's feelings. He / she has most definaltey had this all his / her life. I know what its like to live with this. And I can certainlly understand how your dad seems to be shoving this down everyone's throats right now. (sorry if the use of the female pronoun is offensive, but its prbably how your dad views himself) She has apparantly made the decision to acknowledge this part of herself. And move forward and start living life. I know it may seem unbelievable to you that your dad never really lived life before. But as one who is touched by all this TG stuff, I can certainlly understand. Its like she is starting over and viewing the world how she feels it should be. Of course she is probably very happy and excited about this, maybe a little fearful as well, but excited to finally live the way she feels she should, and wants the whole world to no about it.

If you are offended at her life style and choices, then I would say that you need to figure out what you can accept and what you cannot. Your brothers as well. I hope that you will all continue to support your dad. I believe she still needs and wants your love very much. In the end this is about her and not you or your brothers. I just want to make sure you understand that. Your didn't do anything to create this situation. The only thing you can offer your dad is support and love.

After you figure out what you can accept, talk to your dad. Explain your feelings, she has obviously not shyed away from showing you hers. Please try to have some repsect if you have negative things to say. But in the end I suppose all your family will have to reconcile themselves and your father's new life.

Imagine what it what must be like for your dad. Have you ever questioned the most intimate identity of yourself? Am I female? Am I male? Its kinds like the starting point for your life. All your experiences are grounded in your gender identity. Now imagine your dad's conflict...

I hope this gets easier for you

[Katiegirl]

Hi Si

You and your family are very confused about your father and purple_spider GG is quiet right to say that your father is like a child with a new toy and has gone to far and too fast for the family.

He/she is I think being very selfish about the crossdressing and is hoping that everyone will accept it and all will be well - very foolish by the sounds of it your brothers will soon have very little to do with him.

purple_spider GG has analysed the situation very clearly and follow her advise.

I will add this, crossdressing is something very deep within you, why no one really knows, for the family to blame you is VERY wrong, nothing you have done would make any difference to the situation. DO NOT blame yourself and I think you are very loving person to have stood by him/her.

I hope you will find this forum helpful to you in a very difficult situation.

[KathrynW]

and feel that I should stop talking to him about CD alltogether and ask him to keep it to himself.

Well since you seem to be the only one on speaking terms with Dad...
it may not be a bad idea to tell him exactly what the rest of the family thinks. Maybe he needs to wake up and smell the coffee and realize that he is hurting a lot of people here. Maybe he really does need to control his cd-ing around family.

[Lesley]

Your story really touched me, mainly because I have a daughter starting to high school next year and she is already starting to ask why I shave my legs. I also have a son who is a very masculine boy. I have a great relationship with both of them and don't want to lose it.

However, on the other hand, it may not be your father's crossdressing that bothers everyone so much as the fact that he has suddenly become Miss Congeniality so long after the fact. There are some lessons in here for all of us, I think.

You are certainly doing everything that you can on your end. I don't blame your Dad for coming out of the closet after so long, and I can't blame your brothers for 'not being okay' with it. But, perhaps, had he been more 'there' for them all along, your brothers might have found a way to forgive and understand him now. It also shows bad judgment on his part to go charging over there en femme while they are still in the process of trying to come to grips with his sexuality.

Maybe you can be the one in the family who can make him see this. It seems to me that his relationship with everyone has been a bit strained all along, and the fact that he has repressed this for so long as well. He has years of repression that he is no longer able to hold back, and he has more or less thrown all caution and good judgment to the wind. I hope he wakes up soon.

Lesley

[danadoll]

This is me that everyone is kicking including you SI. first of all I didn't push myself on anybody they asked me to come over. like 6 times !! I told them I will be coming dressed as girl. So they new I was coming ! My grand daughter was at my other sons house THEY took me over there to see her, it WASN'T My idea to let her see me dressed !

as far as flaunting goes! I just wanted to look the best I could. what just because I don't dress like an 80 year old bag !!!

[Katiegirl]

I assume from your post Danadoll that you are the parent of Si, and that you are angry and upset with her for doing this thread. There is always 2 sides to a story, and you have the right to put your side of the events.

Si and your sons seem to be very confused at the moment and what Si has written may be as she see's it. If you can set aside your anger perhaps you should have a long talk with them. It may be you have already and perhaps some compromise is in order to reducing the dressing in their presence until they are more ready to accept.

I hope for all your family sake that you can resolve this, without too much hurt on either side.

[DonnaT]

Hi Dana, not all the posts are kicking you, nor do I think did SI. Go back and read mine.

SI appeared to be stressed about how the rest of the family has been treating her, and you, with respect to your dressing. She clearly still loves you.

I remember in one post you indicated a desire to have GRS. If you still feel this way, then it's time you sit down with SI and explain your true feelings about being transsexual.

Then both of you can explain it to the rest of the family.

There's a big difference in how, no matter how wrong their thinking may be, some perceive occasional CDing as compared to transsexualism.

[GG Vanya]

After reading your response to your daughter's post, I did a search on threads started by you Dana. After reading your thread "dressing 24/7" dated 4/16/06, and all the responses, pro and con, and your "in your face" attitude toward your employers, I find it difficult to believe Si isn't telling it just like it was/is.

Nothing can be gained from airing the family's dirty laundry here, and I agree with others that you and your children need to sit down face to face, talk this out as a group, and try to come to a resolution that is satisfactory for each of you.

The fact that your daughter posted here is significant, in that she clearly desires an end to the problem, instead of just turning her back on the lot of you.

In closing, may I ask, just how DOES an 80 year old bag dress? I am 50 years young, and I need pointers on how to avoid this dreadful anomaly!

[KathrynW]

This is me that everyone is kicking including you SI. first of all I didn't push myself on anybody they asked me to come over. like 6 times !! I told them I will be coming dressed as girl. So they new I was coming ! My grand daughter was at my other sons house THEY took me over there to see her, it WASN'T My idea to let her see me dressed !
as far as flaunting goes! I just wanted to look the best I could. what just because I don't dress like an 80 year old bag !!!

[SIZE=3]and the plot thickens...[/SIZE]
I still want to know who's pic this is that you posted earlier, danadoll...

[DonnaT]

Kathryn, that is a pic of Dana. Si would have said different, I hope, if it wasn't. See http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28991