Why?

[lostmyhubby GG]

I would like to gain some perspective into the matter of a man x dressing and have done so for many many years etc......but then find a woman they want to settle down with and marry....so they marry.....most do not tell their wives before they marry, so in years or so to come they are either caught or it comes out somehow. So my question is if they so desire to dress and act like women etc....why do they still desire a woman in their life?
Then when a accepting wife does try to support her SO it seems the more the female side wants to take over and become the initial woman in the relationship.

[Karren H]

Well, I'll jump into the fire!! I'm straight and love to dress. My wife found out last year and doesn't participate in my "hobby". But for me It's family first!!!! And I love my wife and kids more than anything.....Karren is low on the food chain, but she's not going away. So it's a balancing act!! No letting one over shadow or completely eliminate the other, in my opinion, for me!!! And if he wants to be married and crossdress he better strike a balance or else! And you shouldn't have to feel bad about yourself!

Sounds more like he needs an attitude adjustment!! LOL Maybe me and the girls will come over and pay him a visit!!! hehehe Just kidding!!!

Love Karren

[RenaCD]

Dear Lost, No one in this world has the right to Demean and Abuse you its that simple!

Rena

[Christina Nicole]

Think of a child’s swing. One child gets onto the seat and another one pulls it back. And pulls it back some more. And pulls the swing back yet more. Finally he lets the swing go and it swings far to the other side. Then it comes back to the first side, then the other. Eventually the swing settles back in the middle. Some crossdressers, having been so far into the closet and having hidden that part of himself for so long that he tends to go far to the other extreme. However, you should be able to prevail upon your husband to realize that he has gone too far. Try to show him that he needs to pay more attention to you and that compromise is an important part of any relationship.
Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[rpservices1]

don't be fooled you are a beautiful women and to be as supportive as you are he has a problem.

[EricaCD]

I'm sorry to hear that it's going poorly. You will see that the "kid in a candy store" syndrome is a common theme around here. In brief, a CD gets a sign of acceptance from spouse. Rather than taking it slow and doing all in CD's power to support the spouse, CD goes hogwild and immediately starts pushing way past spouse's boundaries. Unpleasantness ensues.

In your case, the added overlay seems to be your husband's (knowing or unwitting; it's hard to tell) assertion that your personal self-esteem issues are the source of conflict, rather than your husband's apparent lack of self-control. I suspect most of the CDs here will find this simply inexcusable.

It's not fair to ask this of you, but you may need to show even more strength than you have already. You need to put your own self-esteem issues to the side for the moment and assert your right to participate in the setting of boundaries and the pace of your own course of acceptance. If you are unable to do this (and I am aware this is asking a lot), then I would recommend you seek out therapy.

To answer the question you started with: I would NEVER have married Erica. She is not the type for my drab self I chose my spouse for the same reason anyone does: she makes my life complete and I cannot imagine a life without her. That would be a mighty weak sentiment if it could be altered by the mere fact that I like to wear a skirt!

Erica

[KathrynW]

Then when a accepting wife does try to support her SO it seems the more the female side wants to take over and become the initial woman in the relationship....they become the center...demand the center the more acceptance we give...I dont understand it.

GEEEEEZ....It seems like I've seen more threads around here lately with this same type of situation... So, I'm not going to pull any punches here....
"What the HELL are you guys THINKING???" Is there a FULL MOON??? Is this like some flu that's going around or something??? It's already been said in this thread, but I'll say it again...GET THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE & KEEP THE FEMME SIDE IN BALANCE...WAKE UP!
Yes...I know...things can certainly get out of control if you don't watch it...
But, we're ADULTS here...the "kid in the candy store" excuse only carries so much weight...

[carol ann]

I believe that for all of us who crossdress it is us who, by our being different, put the strain on a relationship. Therefore it behoves us to be especially caring and to ensure that our dressing does not cause undue concern for our wives or partners. If that means retreating into the closet or even purging our other selves at least temporarilly then so be it. the relationship is more important than our own selfish requirements,

[ashlee chiffon]

not everyone is able to do things in balance like you suggest, and each person in a relationship is different from those in the next...my point is that there are complex dynamics going on and sometimes it takes a professional third party to get things under control. these chat rooms are minute parts of someones psyche and advice is based on very small portions and glimpses into others lives. I guess my point is that getting a grip and establishing a balance may seem like the Sane thing to do...but often times *as you have seen here*, beyond the individuals ability to get contol of on their own.Geez...its hard in a Balanced relationship...to keep two people together and on the same path.... a lot of the time!

[robinLynn]

Well, I'll jump into the fire!! I'm straight and love to dress. My wife found out last year and doesn't participate in my "hobby". But for me It's family first!!!! And I love my wife and kids more than anything.....Karren is low on the food chain, but she's not going away. So it's a balancing act!! No letting one over shadow or completely eliminate the other, in my opinion, for me!!! And if he wants to be married and crossdress he better strike a balance or else! And you shouldn't have to feel bad about yourself!

Sounds more like he needs an attitude adjustment!! LOL Maybe me and the girls will come over and pay him a visit!!! hehehe Just kidding!!!

Love Karren

im in total agreement, because Robin is on the bottom of life and my family is first. my wife supports me and what i do

[Ellaine]

I have tried to explain to my husband I feel less of a woman now than i ever have...he blames it on be gaining alot of weight recently and feeling like S**t about my self which is true...but shouldnt he help me feel better about myself ? I dont get the attention I give to her(his fem side) and its so hurtful. His fem side has been locked away for 5 years and since she has come out recently she has been shoved down my throat it seems, yet demeaning me more.

Hi Lostmyhubby Sadly he seems to be acting like a pig and needs telling!!!

You are being abused. After years of hiding and guilt, he is now given free reign, and this is how he treats you in return for your loving support?
No appreciation of the years of hiding put behind him? No overt show of affection to reassure you? No comforting or signs of care?
Sadly, it sounds as if he doesn't love you.
But he has no right to treat you badly.
Tell him to shape up or ship out!!! Why should you go? Aren't you part of the local community, with friends and aquaintences?

If he gets angry and frightening, then he has to know you will not be browbeaten, and will call the Police if he cannot control his anger. Let him consider the explanations ensuing...
He is being selfish, abusive and intollerable!!!
Don't put up with it.

0.02

[Fallen Angel]

I truely belive you have been very supportive of your husband.And the way he's treating you at this point is rude And he's trying to use your faults as his excuse to crossdress.Most of us would die to have some one in our life that is suportive and understanding.And they way im reading this is he want to be the center of attention.And can really see you side in this.You may want to try to work out some guidelines with him on this.There are also some wounderfull GG's on this site you may want to p.m. and see if you can e-mail each other or yim and they may be able to help you out as well.Good luck and keep us posted we are here for you big huggs angel

[lostmyhubby GG]

Well I thank you soooo much for all of your support, i soo needed to blow off some steam and get some sort of prospective for myself as to whether I am being too jealous,over sensitive,unreasonable etc...... But it is all he does talk about over and over...its like she is the other woman. I know he is her and she is him and all that....and i love them both but sometimes i just feel so disregarded by her mostly.....he does not mean to mentaly abuse me or hurt me he doesnt even understand why i hurt...but non the less i do.
Why do we spouse's go through so much from one minute to the next....and I know i drive him crazy giving him mixed messages....most of the time i'm ok other times he has talked about skirts heels etc...so much i just want to slap her!!!!!! COOL A BITCH FIGHT??????? Perhaps thats what we need to do so i can remark my territory as woman of the house??????
Do i make any sense.....WILL SOMEONE SHUT ME UP PLEASE
I love you all for your support and kind knowledgeable words...its not like i can call my mother like ya know.
And God i hope he doesnt read this or i will be um......experiencing the silent treatment or some sort of feminine treatment!!!!

[ShortSkirt]

I try to tell him how i feel but he gets mad and says well maybe i should get my own place!!!!

There's not a lot I can add to this that hasnt already been covered, but IMO, that up there is a copout. It actually makes me angry lol.

I used to hide my feelings from the g/f's I had because I was ashamed mostly, but once I figured out that a woman can accept it as a part of me, hiding it can only make things worse, especially at the point of marriage.

If I was in your position, I think I'd have to make my feelings clear. As we all know, a relationship is all about compromise and communication, and going by your post, I don't think your getting either one, and you should be.

[Phoebe Reece]

Lost, the question is Why, and the answer is: It's a guy thing.

I'm not really being flippant with this answer. We males of the species tend to have an ability to focus tightly on one thing that we consider important, pretty much to the exclusion of everything else around us. That is probably why, as we evolved, males became very good at hunting. A crossdresser who has had that aspect of his life repressed for a long time will often focus all his energy on that one thing when the freedom to do it finally arrives. It is sometimes known as "gender euphoria". The crossdresser in that state usually does not see the effect of their activity on anyone else around them, until well after the damage is done. I have been guilty of doing this to some degree or another at various times in my life. Although I profusely apologized, modified my behavior, and tried to do many things to "make up for it" (when I finally became aware of what I had done), I can never completely erase from my wife's memory the lack of concern I had shown her.

What to do about it: Keep talking with your hubby and let him know how you feel about him and about yourself. You might want to start by e-mailing or giving him a letter telling him the things you put in your post here. If that fails, you may have to do something to get his attention. A 2 x 4 on the back of the head might do it (just kidding!).

[KathrynW]

I eventually came to think of this period as the Pink Fog.

Trudi: I've never heard it called that before...but by golly, I do believe you've come up with the perfect term for it!

not everyone is able to do things in balance like you suggest

I have to disagree with that big time. It is ALL about balance.
The sooner people around here stop with the "You Go, GIRL!" stuff, and start living in the real world, the better off everyone will be.

[Michele]

I can speak to the part about getting married and not telling my wife. We got married in 1996. In 1996 there were no resources out there for us TGs to reference.... No World Wide Web. I was 27 at the time, and was feeling like I was some kind of "weirdo".... I did not know that there were others like me. I knew that I was only attracted to women. I had no desires to be with a man.... but I thought that marriage would somehow "cleanse" me of this impurity that I now call "crossdressing". I decided to marry my wife and keep this secret, in hopes that the desires would diminish. I had already purged a couple of times and for the short term, thought I was successful.. Later, I learned that the desires to crossdress would return... sometimes very strongly. I began getting careless with some of my crossdressing items.. such as lipstick, earrings etc... I think back and maybe it was because I wanted to be "discovered"... In 1998 she found a small stockpile of my items and confronted me about it.... I came clean (much to my relief.. my guilt was heavy indeed....) She was initially very confused... and thought that I was holding on to items that may have belonged to an old girlfriend.... My wife, since then has jumped in head first to learn all that she can about crossdressers, and is a regular participant in th CDSO message board....

I never suffered from the "Kid in the Candystore" syndrome.... my wife is open to my CDing.. and I get to crossdress perhaps once a month or so... but I do get to indulge in painting my toes, shaving my legs, and wearing panties around the clock.... I don't feel like I get to dress as much as I like.. but I also want to be there for my wife, in homme.. It is a balancing act...... I hope that you and your husband can achieve a balance.... It smacks of "Kid in the Candy Store" situation....

My wife is very accepting BTW... I could probably "push the envelope" if I wanted to... but I want to meet her in the middle.. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable or for her to feel that I am being selfish.

[Rikkicn]

This is such an interesting site. There are always all kinds of stories about the problems we face. This is another one.

I know that right now we haven't heard much from her husband. In fact we really know so very little. We only know one side of this story and surely there are others I'm having difficulty understanding the degree to which so many here have been so hard and relentless on a sister that is obviously having a very difficult time in coming out.

Why are we so quick to judge one of our own? I just don't understand that and it happens so much here.

For those of you that have come out, you know how hard it was and for those of you that haven't your getting a pretty good idea on this site. It can be gut wrenching and it takes real honest to goodness strength and courage.

I feel for my sister. Like many of us she has been closeted her whole life. Like may of us she has keep an integral part of her being secret. A secret that she felt so terrible she could not tell the ones she loved most. Like many of us she wrestled with being transgendered, with the shame and quilt that seems to come with it. She carried this with her for years and years.

It doesn't seem unreasonable to me that she would be in a "pink" fog. After years and years of all the bad feelings and the years of solitude and loneliness she's finally taken steps out of the closet and she wants to dance and sing and talk about it. She wants to test the new waters. She wants to try out new clothes and other femme things. She just wants to play and maybe catch up some. She wants to share her new self with so much enthusiasm that it scares her wife who is trying so hard.

How about giving her lots of time to talk and dance and sing about who she is and who she may become. How about giving her time to figure out what it's like out side the closet. How about making her welcome here?

Rikki

[lostmyhubby GG]

Well i think i came across to all of you the wrong way....my husband is a wonderful man who has done nothing for the past 5 years to work his ass off to provide for me and my children.....I am afraid i have made him out to sound like some sort of ******* that he is not...he gave up his life in England to move here to be with me.
I was meerely trying to understand how he feels from other cd's and get across how i felt...but the end results has been horrible in the comments from some of you...he is not mentally or physicall abusive in any way in fact he spoils me and my children....
This whole thing has been difficult for me as i am a bit mental to begin with....but i cant imagine how hard is has been for him....and now i dont want any of you to get the wrong ideas about the kind of person he is.
he is a hard working man, and very loving and affectionate, its just that its new to me with the cd'ing and i get freaked out sometimes. i am sooooo lucky to have him and her and I just want to apologize to him that i made him sound unreasonable and a miserable *******...thats not what i was trying to do.......SO I OWE MY HUSBAND,MY BEST FRIEND,MY LOVER, AND MY GIRLFRIEND A HUGE HUGE APOLOGY........i just needed to set that record straight.....

[Kassandra]

don't be fooled you are a beautiful women and to be as supportive as you are he has a problem.

I'm with rpservices1 on this one! You are a beautiful woman! And if he was half the woman you are he would see that. You DESERVE to be treated with respect! It is your RIGHT!

This would be true if the issue was crossdressing, or family budgets, or what to watch on the telly.

We're here for you, LMH, we love you!

Tris.

[Kassandra]

Well i think i came across to all of you the wrong way....my husband is a wonderful man who has done nothing for the past 5 years to work his ass off to provide for me and my children.....I am afraid i have made him out to sound like some sort of ******* that he is not...he gave up his life in England to move here to be with me.
I was meerely trying to understand how he feels from other cd's and get across how i felt...but the end results has been horrible in the comments from some of you...he is not mentally or physicall abusive in any way in fact he spoils me and my children....
This whole thing has been difficult for me as i am a bit mental to begin with....but i cant imagine how hard is has been for him....and now i dont want any of you to get the wrong ideas about the kind of person he is.
he is a hard working man, and very loving and affectionate, its just that its new to me with the cd'ing and i get freaked out sometimes. i am sooooo lucky to have him and her and I just want to apologize to him that i made him sound unreasonable and a miserable *******...thats not what i was trying to do.......SO I OWE MY HUSBAND,MY BEST FRIEND,MY LOVER, AND MY GIRLFRIEND A HUGE HUGE APOLOGY........i just needed to set that record straight.....

LMH:

Just read your post after I posted mine. I apologize if my post seemed a little harsh.

Is your S.O. on this list? If he is having problems dealing with CD issues (lordy, don't we all!) he is more than welcome to talk about them with us.

We try to be helpful here. We try to help each other. I'm glad you came here looking for insight! We try to be sisterly to each other.

Love you both!

Tris

[Khriss]

... venting can be good eh?


cathartic.....or somethin'
been there -done that - xx"K"

[DonnaT]

Well i think i came across to all of you the wrong way....my husband is a wonderful man who has done nothing for the past 5 years to work his ass off to provide for me and my children.....I am afraid i have made him out to sound like some sort of ******* that he is not...he gave up his life in England to move here to be with me.
I was meerely trying to understand how he feels from other cd's and get across how i felt...but the end results has been horrible in the comments from some of you...he is not mentally or physicall abusive in any way in fact he spoils me and my children....
This whole thing has been difficult for me as i am a bit mental to begin with....but i cant imagine how hard is has been for him....and now i dont want any of you to get the wrong ideas about the kind of person he is.
he is a hard working man, and very loving and affectionate, its just that its new to me with the cd'ing and i get freaked out sometimes. i am sooooo lucky to have him and her and I just want to apologize to him that i made him sound unreasonable and a miserable *******...thats not what i was trying to do.......SO I OWE MY HUSBAND,MY BEST FRIEND,MY LOVER, AND MY GIRLFRIEND A HUGE HUGE APOLOGY........i just needed to set that record straight.....

I have tried to explain to my husband I feel less of a woman now than i ever have...he blames it on be gaining alot of weight recently and feeling like S**t about my self which is true...but shouldnt he help me feel better about myself ? I dont get the attention I give to her(his fem side) and its so hurtful. His fem side has been locked away for 5 years and since she has come out recently she has been shoved down my throat it seems, yet demeaning me more.
Why do i feel this way? She has taken over. I try to tell him how i feel but he gets mad and says well maybe i should get my own place!!!! helllllooooo then why did you marry me knowing all this????? we are apart all the time anyway as his work takes him away from me weeks at a time.....whats happening????

Quite a mixed bag of feelings Lost.

First, why do you use the user name => lostmyhubby? Seems to me that you felt a genuine sense of loss, but was it because of "her" or his attitude?

Reading more of your post, it sound like you are having a serious problem, not a small problem, but a serious problem with his attitude.

Whether you realize it or not, you are being abused, verbally and mentally. It's classic for the abused to not realize this because of the love they feel for the abuser.

It's quite normal for some SOs to feel a bit of jealousy with respect to the "other woman". Question is, are you jealous of his appearance or the attention he pays to his fem side?

I'm guessing it is both.

You've not mentioned how he looks enfemme, but if an SO starts having their won body issues, it usually means their CDing husband wears smaller size clothing. I reckon one can work on their self esteem issues to overcome this.

However, I think the amount of attention he pays to his fem side is more trying on your patience. I think anyone, CD/SO or not, would have a problem with their spouse being self absorbed and paying less attention to them. When you bring this to his attention, he gets defensive and verbally abusive. If he says something to you to cause you to doubt your self worth, that's verbal abuse. Referring to your weight gain is just such a case.

Suggesting you get your own place, just because you want to discuss certain problems in your relationship is mental abuse. It is designed to get you to quit complaining and get over it. Seems to me that would be quite a mental challenge. Now you say you are a bit mental anyways. If so, in what ways?

You also mention you can realize how hard it is on him. It is hard, but having a supportive wife should make it quite a bit easier for him. Definitely not as hard as having a wife who knows and totally rejects it. But you know what, it's hard on you too. He's had years and years to come to grips with who and what he is. You've had very little time.

I suggest you be more honest with yourself, as in your first post, and quit being an overprotective wife, as in your second post.

You've really only got two options, put up with his being self centered and forget about it, or continue to talk to him to get him to realize what it's doing to you.

If you can do the first option, without losing your own self esteem and going postal, then fine. If not, then when choosing the second option, you must be ready to stand your ground and get him to talk. Challenging your feelings is not talk.

I imagine if he would pay more attention to your relationship (takes two to make a relationship work) then you wouldn't get freaked out sometimes.

[lostmyhubby GG]

I would like to gain some perspective into the matter of a man x dressing and have done so for many many years etc......but then find a woman they want to settle down with and marry....so they marry.....most do not tell their wives before they marry, so in years or so to come they are either caught or it comes out somehow. So my question is if they so desire to dress and act like women etc....why do they still desire a woman in their life?
Then when a accepting wife does try to support her SO it seems the more the female side wants to take over and become the initial woman in the relationship.

I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND MY GIRLFRIEND and am sooooo sorry it is so hard for both of us to journey through...but through it all we will become stronger,and more in love than ever....and we will both be BEAUTIFUL.

[Trisha]

i am sorry hun but i dont and did not intend to hurt you in any way its very hard for me at times even in man mode did not get a lot of love when i was a child and spent most of my life on the streets of london england i dont now how to show feelings as to my up bringing this is hard for me to wright as i cant even cry i dont know no fear but at the same time this scares me i love you with all my hart and moor i work hard because thats all i know how to do i have sad thouts of my child hood bouncing from child home to child home untill geand mother took me in its just the way my life started anyway i had a hard life and its hard for me know to show feelings but you are my life my world and i would be at a total loss without you i am glad you are my wife and i would die for you if needed you make me very happy and i do try to make you happy i thank you for being their for me well i cant go on its to painful at the moment so thank you all as well you are all helping both of us a great deal once again thanks to all love trisha