Why?

[Kassandra]

i am sorry hun but i dont and did not intend to hurt you in any way its very hard for me at times even in man mode did not get a lot of love when i was a child and spent most of my life on the streets of london england i dont now how to show feelings as to my up bringing this is hard for me to wright as i cant even cry i dont know no fear but at the same time this scares me i love you with all my hart and moor i work hard because thats all i know how to do i have sad thouts of my child hood bouncing from child home to child home untill geand mother took me in its just the way my life started anyway i had a hard life and its hard for me know to show feelings but you are my life my world and i would be at a total loss without you i am glad you are my wife and i would die for you if needed you make me very happy and i do try to make you happy i thank you for being their for me well i cant go on its to painful at the moment so thank you all as well you are all helping both of us a great deal once again thanks to all love trisha

Trish!

Welcome to the list, family, actually. We're all sisters here. We are all trying to deal with our feelings. Your reply is so touching! I do so hope that you can find your way to happiness.

I apologize to you directly for my first post. I feel it was a little harsh and I am sorry. I would really like to get to know you both!

Love ya!

Tris.

[KrazyKat]

Thank you for sharing, trisha and lost, I have tears in my eyes and a big warm heart right now!! Hugs to you both, and, by the way, lost, are you seeing anymore of that wonderful person you married?? It's very confusing, at first, sometimes at second or third, but just look into each others eyes, really look, open your arms and wait, it'll all work out!! I know, I'm an eternal optimist, but I can feel such love in your words, if the patience is there, so will love grow!!

KrazierKat is smiling

[lostmyhubby GG]

Dear Lost, No one in this world has the right to Demean and Abuse you its that simple!

Rena

No Rena he doesnt demean me or has certainly never abused me mentally or physically...i have baggage from past that i carry that causes me to be insecure and a very low self esteem...this is my problem not his/hers.
He loves me and i know that its just one more hurdle for us to get over and get through and for it we will love more and both be beautiful.!!!!

[lostmyhubby GG]

Quite a mixed bag of feelings Lost.

First, why do you use the user name => lostmyhubby? Seems to me that you felt a genuine sense of loss, but was it because of "her" or his attitude?

Reading more of your post, it sound like you are having a serious problem, not a small problem, but a serious problem with his attitude.

Whether you realize it or not, you are being abused, verbally and mentally. It's classic for the abused to not realize this because of the love they feel for the abuser.

It's quite normal for some SOs to feel a bit of jealousy with respect to the "other woman". Question is, are you jealous of his appearance or the attention he pays to his fem side?

I'm guessing it is both.

You've not mentioned how he looks enfemme, but if an SO starts having their won body issues, it usually means their CDing husband wears smaller size clothing. I reckon one can work on their self esteem issues to overcome this.

However, I think the amount of attention he pays to his fem side is more trying on your patience. I think anyone, CD/SO or not, would have a problem with their spouse being self absorbed and paying less attention to them. When you bring this to his attention, he gets defensive and verbally abusive. If he says something to you to cause you to doubt your self worth, that's verbal abuse. Referring to your weight gain is just such a case.

Suggesting you get your own place, just because you want to discuss certain problems in your relationship is mental abuse. It is designed to get you to quit complaining and get over it. Seems to me that would be quite a mental challenge. Now you say you are a bit mental anyways. If so, in what ways?

You also mention you can realize how hard it is on him. It is hard, but having a supportive wife should make it quite a bit easier for him. Definitely not as hard as having a wife who knows and totally rejects it. But you know what, it's hard on you too. He's had years and years to come to grips with who and what he is. You've had very little time.

I suggest you be more honest with yourself, as in your first post, and quit being an overprotective wife, as in your second post.

You've really only got two options, put up with his being self centered and forget about it, or continue to talk to him to get him to realize what it's doing to you.

If you can do the first option, without losing your own self esteem and going postal, then fine. If not, then when choosing the second option, you must be ready to stand your ground and get him to talk. Challenging your feelings is not talk.

I imagine if he would pay more attention to your relationship (takes two to make a relationship work) then you wouldn't get freaked out sometimes.

HI Donna,
Well yes in a sense in the beginning i really did feel i had lost my husband...but as time has gone on i realize more and more that he is there still as is she.....we are talking and talking and will continue to talk it all through whenever one of us has a problem, concern etc.....but i want everyone to know i made him out to sound horrible or something by alot of the reactions from you all....and horrible is not....horrible is what he has had to live through....and that i cant begin to imagine for him.....however it is difficult at times for me as well...as female rages from one emotion to another most of the time i am ok with it and other times i have questions that obviously i didnt get across the correct way this evening.
WE love each other dearly and whole heartedly and we look forward to reading and learning from you all....but didnt want to start off on the wrong foot with him being looked at as total A**
Thank you
lostmyhubby&Trisha

[DonnaT]

Well, it's good to know you both are talking, and talking.

My wife and I have been talking for 30 yrs. She still finds it hard every once in a while, but we are still good as long as we can talk it out.

Communication, honesty and respect is the key to happyness.

Best wishes Lost and Trisha.

[Emily Ann Brown]

The blond in me just never knows when to keep her mouth shut.....giggle giggle.

Some of us have stronger feelings than we admit to our spouses AND ourselves. It's darned hard to confess that we are more TG than CD. And when we have a supportive spouse who may not know ALL our feelings we can become totally focused on US and forget that there are others involved in our lives. My situation does not allow that. Wife wants Emily to shrivel up and die so there are plenty of restraints on my actions currently.

I'm not passing judgement on either of you dear. I'm just saying that CDs can a minefield......it's the reason I won't remarry should I become a widow.

Emily Ann

[KathrynW]

How about giving her lots of time to talk and dance and sing about who she is and who she may become. How about giving her time to figure out what it's like out side the closet. How about making her welcome here?

How about some compassion for the WIFE?
How about getting priorities straight and keeping things in BALANCE?
The wife & family should come FIRST....crossdressing SECOND.
I really don't get why you think we all need to unconditionally accept everything a CD does.
Someone is quite obviously out of line, and needs a wake-up call here, and it's not the wife.

[kittypw GG]

Trudi: I've never heard it called that before...but by golly, I do believe you've come up with the perfect term for it!

I have to disagree with that big time. It is ALL about balance.
The sooner people around here stop with the "You Go, GIRL!" stuff, and start living in the real world, the better off everyone will be.

Thanks Kathryn, I couldn't have said it better myself. Kitty

[Dixie Darling]

Lost,

For most crossdressers one of the driving forces thay have is their above average (WAY above average) appreciation and admiration for 'the fairer sex'. This admiration is strong enough to make them want to experience what they think it must feel like to be a participant in that gender for short periods of time. It's much like a lot of people do who admire celebrities. They admire these celebrities, or some specific feature about them, to the point that they want to immitate that person or feature. Hairstyles. lipsticks, nail polish, clothes, etc. are all features that some people zero in on. The typical crossdresser is much the same except that for him it's attractive women (the whole package) that he's enamoured with and thus wants to immitate.

Your husband seems to follow this same admiration and since you are (or have become) supportive of his need to dress it sounds like he's going through the "kid in the candy store" syndrome. It wouldn't be a bad idea to show him some of the reples to your post here and let him know that he's in danger of LOSING that support if he doesn't bring it under control. He needs to understand that YOU have needs too and they involve the MAN you married - not his feminine counterpart. You have a right to have this man around sometimes and you WANT him around at these times just as much as HE wants to portray his feminine side. Too much of ANYTHING isn't good and going into overdrive by dressing excessively and talking about nothing else puts him in a percarious position.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Tracy_Victoria]

I would like to gain some perspective into the matter of a man x dressing and have done so for many many years etc......but then find a woman they want to settle down with and marry....so they marry.....most do not tell their wives before they marry, so in years or so to come they are either caught or it comes out somehow. So my question is if they so desire to dress and act like women etc....why do they still desire a woman in their life?
Then when a accepting wife does try to support her SO it seems the more the female side wants to take over and become the initial woman in the relationship.

Hi Sorry to come in to this thread so late, but I hope another's views and experences will help.

I've been a crossdresser for most of my life, I've been crossdressing for many years, however my dressing is just one part of my life, there is so much more to it, than just wearing a frock or a dress, wig and make up! when I met my partner I told her that I was a crossdresser before we got serious, my view then was if I was rejected then I would not be hurt or hurt her, I wanted to be honest with her right from the start.

The problem as I see it for yourself is why did he marry you, and not tell you! Well believe me thats fear, fear of rejection, fear of losing someone you love, and fear of not being labelled normal. ie your a man, you should be married, kids, home, fancy car on the drive, and if you don't have that, then your not a Man, in this Man's world.

Really your man is no different from any other, just he has one small hobby different from others that he enjoys. To the outside world of this forum, he is different, but have a look round here, and you will see that there are many of us, that are different. some people will say crossdressing is abnormal, well how can that be, just type crossdressing in to any search engine and your find a million different sites dedicated to it, so it really can not be abnormal if so many different people do this.

I can only speak for myself, but imagine a pie sitting on a plate, if you cut a slice out of that pie Lets say we cut it in to eight and remove one slice that the amount crossdressing means in my life, the rest of the pie is my family, my children, and my lifestyle all of which I love very much, and without them my life would not be complete, yet now the slice is removed Nethier is the Pie complete also. it's the same with my life as it is with the pie, all the parts come together to make the whole being, if you lose one slice, a part is missing, it's still a pie, but it will never be a complete pie, till the slice is placed back.

What people forget is how difficult it is to be away from the Norm! if your different your treated different, and hence this is why many men avoid telling there wifes, the fear of being branded abnormal, and being rejected. therefore sadly it easier not to say that to be open, just look at the world, how many people will say openly, I'm a crossdresser, but there again how many would also say openly, I'm Gay (yet there is nothing wrong with being Gay, it just a lifestyle or a choice, not a crime), yet, neither would some say I've been convicted of a Crime, or I've been a drunk driver, or I'm a Tax Inspector! basically (and sadly) it's easier just not to say.

Then when a accepting wife does try to support her SO it seems the more the female side wants to take over and become the initial woman in the relationship.

Why should this be the case! My partner has the very same fear, I know her darkest fear is I will change, and want to dress more and more! but thats not me. I've been dressing for getting on for 35 years now, I've never wanted a sex change, never wanted to do more than dress occationally, but I can see how it does get out of hand (ie the kid in the candy shop so to speak!) but setting ground rules and talking and expressing to her how I actually feel about this has helped her to understand what my dressing is about. in my case I don't want to dress daily, and my home life is more important than dressing up, so my dressing has a time and a place, and hopefully she knows that now, but we have only found that by talking to each other. now together were finding our own way, thats different to others, but it's our way to deal with it, but most of all, I respect her for trying to understand me, and my hobby, and I respect there is a line and a limit, and that limit is hers to dictact, and mine to accept, out of respects for her efforts and her understanding.

So not all of us, are out to push the limits, nor do we want more and more!!!

Good luck,

[Ellaine]

Well i think i came across to all of you the wrong way....SO I OWE MY HUSBAND,MY BEST FRIEND,MY LOVER, AND MY GIRLFRIEND A HUGE HUGE APOLOGY........i just needed to set that record straight.....

Hi Lost My harsh resonse to your first post, took it as it read.
So I happily retract that post. I'm very glad to hear things aren't that bad

Welcome Trish, and I appologise to you too.


Hugs Ellaine

[Rikkicn]

How about some compassion for the WIFE? I have great compassion for the wife. She's going thru something very difficult and doing a wonderful job it. She's doing everything she can to make it work and showing courage and grace while doing it.
How about getting priorities straight and keeping things in BALANCE?. Trisha has lead a long life suprressing her needs and desires perhaps what we're now seeing is a comming into balance not moving away from it.
Additionally, as to which comes first cding or family that's more diffiuclt. If cding is a "hobby" for some than maybe family does come first. If cding is something you are and need to become then that makes for more difficult decison. Should we sacrifice our lives fulfullment, joy and purpose in order not to hurt the feelings of others? SECOND.[/COLOR][/FONT]
I really don't get why you think we all need to unconditionally accept everything a CD does.
I uncondionally support cder's and everything they do for one reason and one reason only....they need it and if it's not me than who?
Someone is quite obviously out of line, and needs a wake-up call here, and it's not the wife. I don't think it's a wake up call it's more like a call to awaken.

Love,
Rikki

[KathrynW]

Additionally, as to which comes first cding or family that's more difficult. If cding is a "hobby" for some than maybe family does come first. If cding is something you are and need to become then that makes for more difficult decison. Should we sacrifice our lives fulfullment, joy and purpose in order not to hurt the feelings of others?

I disagree big time...
The spouse and immediate family need to come FIRST, no question about it.
Anyone who puts CD-ing above these things, needs to get their priorities straight. end of story.

I uncondionally support cder's and everything they do for one reason and one reason only....they need it and if it's not me then who?

Then who? Hopefully....Nobody!
Obviously some CDers who are in the "PINK FOG" need a major reality check. Again...it's about BALANCE...
It's time to Grow Up! and...show some respect & consideration for those around you....

[Rikkicn]

I disagree big time...
The spouse and immediate family need to come FIRST, no question about it.
Anyone who puts CD-ing above these things, needs to get their priorities straight. end of story.

Then who? Hopefully....Nobody!
Obviously some CDers who are in the "PINK FOG" need a major reality check. Again...it's about BALANCE...I'm not understanding what you mean by balance I guess. Would you be willing to go into more detail as to what behaviors, actions etc indicate that a cder is in balance?
It's time to Grow Up! and...show some respect & consideration for those around you.... I would be very helpful for me if you would point out in what ways I'm being disrespectful and inconsiderate of those around me. Some specifics would go along way in helping me understand your point of view. If there are others that feel like you do I would love to hear from them as well.

Love,
Rikki

[KathrynW]

I'm not understanding what you mean by balance I guess. Would you be willing to go into more detail as to what behaviors, actions etc indicate that a cder is in balance?

By that I mean...keeping the CD-ing in check. You control the CD-ing, it doesn't control EVERYTHING you do. Everything in your life should NOT be dominated by the CD-ing. Basically, it means grow up, and stop dedicating 100% of your life to the CD-ing.

I would be very helpful for me if you would point out in what ways I'm being disrespectful and inconsiderate of those around me. Some specifics would go along way in helping me understand your point of view. If there are others that feel like you do I would love to hear from them as well.

Rikki: This post wasn't directed at you, personally. My comments were made in general, within the context of this thread, to any CD in the "PINK FOG".

[Bonnie D]

I think I understand what you are saying Rikki concerning your question about balance. If crossdressing is the issue then Kathryn is right about keeping everything in balance and that cd'ing must find it's place behind the spouse and children. However, if transgenderism is the main issue and not just crossdressing then there is or will be a shift in the balance otherwise you will eat yourself up inside and it will be detrimental to your health. No one will benefit if you become sick or die.

I think lmh's husband is a crossdresser only and should talk to his wife (lmh) and work out a balance.

Bonnie

[TeriAnn]

My wife and I love each other very much. She knows about my crossdressing and is fine with what I do. When we go out of town she even suggests place that we might find a new skirt or blouse. She has gotten into so much that she is even helping pick out heels that I might like. She bought mea gift card for Christmas this past year. She has bought a quite a few items for me.
My wife is my girfriend my lover and my best friend. The way we look at it Love the person you are with for who they are on the inside not what they look or dress like on the outside. Just because a male feels better when he is dressed as woman doesn't mean he has changed the way he feels about his s/o
is all that matters. Think about it

[KathrynW]

What in the world ever happened to PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY?

Trudi: EXACTLY! That's the bottom line! You nailed it...

[Rikkicn]

[QUOTE=Trudi_tv]As I read this thread, especially the exchange between Rikkicn and KathrynW my BS meter pegged!!

I respect that Rikki is a therapist and what it takes to aquire such status, however, this is not academia. I'm neither a therapist nor an academic. up until 2 years ago I was a shoe designer
There seems to be a double standard in:
"I have great compassion for the wife. She's going thru something very difficult and doing a wonderful job it. She's doing everything she can to make it work and showing courage and grace while doing it."

reads as: she's on her own That's not what this is saying.

vs.

"Trisha has lead a long life suprressing her needs and desires perhaps what we're now seeing is a comming into balance not moving away from it.
Additionally, as to which comes first cding or family that's more diffiuclt. If cding is a "hobby" for some than maybe family does come first. If cding is something you are and need to become then that makes for more difficult decison. Should we sacrifice our lives fulfullment, joy and purpose in order not to hurt the feelings of others?"

reads as: it's not her fault, Trisha is a victim of (insert your choice here) that's not what this is saying

[Rikkicn]

It says what it says. There's nothing more to it than that. I suppose everyone who reads it will understand it relative to their own experiences.
Both LMH and Trisha need support and understanding. I don't feel like I need to decide that one is wrong and the other is right. Love them both and wish them well.

Love,
Rikki

[KathrynW]

It says what it says. There's nothing more to it than that. I suppose everyone who reads it will understand it relative to their own experiences.Both LMH and Trisha need support and understanding. I don't feel like I need to decide that one is wrong and the other is right. Love them both and wish them well.

Rikki: Just my opinion...but the whole San Francisco "love-peace-happiness-wear-some-flowers-in-your-hair" approach isn't working in this particular situation.
It may have worked for the acid dropping San Francisco hippies back in the 60's, but that was then...this is now...
It's a no brainer... lostmyhubby is the one who needs support now. Trisha needs to show some consideration for her wife, put the brakes on on this "Pink Fog" thing, and come back to reality. It's that simple...

[Rikkicn]

Who knows what will work for these two? For me, I'll just keep hoping and praying that both of their lives are filled with love and joy. Oh, and great sex too!

With flowers in my hair,
Rikki

[KathrynW]

Who knows what will work for these two? For me, I'll just keep hoping and praying that both of their lives are filled with love and joy. Oh, and great sex too!With flowers in my hair,Rikki

It's just a song, Rikki...this thread is about someone's real life.
There's a difference...


[SIZE=1]SAN FRANCISCO[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]If you're going to San Francisco[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]If you're going to San Francisco[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]You're gonna meet some gentle people there[/SIZE]

[SIZE=1]For those who come to San Francisco[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]Summertime will be a love-in there[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]In the streets of San Francisco[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]Gentle people with flowers in their hair[/SIZE]

[SIZE=1]All across the nation such a strange vibration[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]People in motion[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]There's a whole generation with a new explanation[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]People in motion people in motion[/SIZE]

[SIZE=1]For those who come to San Francisco[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]If you come to San Francisco[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]Summertime will be a love-in there[/SIZE]

[SIZE=1]If you come to San Francisco[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]Summertime will be a love-in there[/SIZE]

[Joanie]

All my best to you that this all works out. One thing about real women is the incredible degree to which they support each other. You might mention that as a female attribute he would do well to emulate. The strong points of womanhood are much deeper than the cloths and makeup I occasionally wear when my wife is away. I look at her and see kindness, compassion for people and animals, sweetness and someone who knows about this little hobby but wants boundaries there and will never quit on me. I respect those on boundaries as CDing developed two years into our now 24 year marriage.

[JoannaDees]

I would like to gain some perspective into the matter of a man x dressing and have done so for many many years etc......but then find a woman they want to settle down with and marry....so they marry.....most do not tell their wives before they marry, so in years or so to come they are either caught or it comes out somehow. So my question is if they so desire to dress and act like women etc....why do they still desire a woman in their life?
Then when a accepting wife does try to support her SO it seems the more the female side wants to take over and become the initial woman in the relationship.

Because he's succumbed to the dirty little secret of this forum. There's more screaming "I'm Hetero" than thruth me thinks. Well, that's harsh, more "I'm just a CD, not a woman" and all it entails. I await your smacks. FI!

How is one 100% "guy" when you want the femme existence? Accept your position on the crazy curve of life.