GG who has recently discovered CDing boyfriend, Big issues ?

[weemoofrazz]

Hi all, ok so as some of you may know I fairly recently found out that my boyfriend (Kirsteen) was really into CDing, since the initial discovery and of course my getting over the initial shock we have come on leaps and bounds I feel. last week he deleted all his online contacts that he had been using to engage in online sex with and edited his profile on the site that he uses to reflect his current situation. A few nights ago we experimented a little and tested boundaries, he wore nylons to bed ! Last night he showed me all of his photos that he had of Kirsteen, even the graphic ones and shared all of his clothes and makeup that he has with me, going through his "box" as it were and letting me see everything. He later asked me if I would like to see him dressed in a pair of high heel boots that I liked as well as some stockings and a suspender belt!!! Although it was absolutely nerve racking waiting to see him that way to my surprise I actually thought that he looked quite sexy and so one thing leading to another etc etc we had a great night!!!

So now, after going this extra mile as it were I find myself thinking allot, and I have real concern, I am really concerned that he just hasn't accepted himself, herself! It bothers me that his constant answer to the question of why he dressed is always.."I don't know why!" he even seems to be fairly constantly saying this to me even when I am not asking, it looks sometimes to me as if he is actually searching his own mind his own feelings for the answers?

I am actually thinking that Kirsteen may be somewhat in denial, not really thinking about the actions the dressing etc...He often tells me that it is purely sexual and fantasy driven, that it's the feel of the clothes, the look of the feminine form and of course the "forbidden" or "wrong" element to it that drives him...I am beginning to really believe that there is more to it...But how can I convince him to address this issue when he is dismissive of it ? What could I do to convince him that I actually do accept Kirsteen, he tells me often that it his inability to accept my acceptance that he struggling with ?

Have any other of you GGs ever experienced this ?

Girls, what's your thoughts on this ?

I'de appreciate any input, because frankly I am a little confused at the moment!!!

[Marla S]

If he says "I don't know why", he is absolutly right. There is no other answer. Nobody knows. There are some hints that it might be due to some prenatal hormone imbalances, but that's not confirmed yet.

Is there more to it ?
Most CDs are not gay.

It is very possible that he didn't come to terms with himself. It takes time and some do never. Invite him to this forum.

[weemoofrazz]

Marla, thankyou for the reply. I will invite him to this forum though I doubt that he will entertain the idea since he see's himself and what he does differently, he say's it's purely sexual etc and that he has no desire to be a woman etc and therefor chooses to ignore sites like this one or any type of resource where he may be able to address his CDing as basically not for him !!! But as far as I am concerned he dresses and that's the bottom line, therefore he is no different to any of the rest of you girls ! I will try and god knows it would make me happier if he did join, but personally I can't see it.

[Kayla Smith]

I would like to suggest looking into joining a support group, this may help your boyfriend in accepting his fem side. I am not sure were you live but if there is a Tri-Ess chapter close by try getting in contact with them.

I feel that your acceptance of your boyfriends CDing is wonderful, you are a one in a million. Just my 0.02

Best wishes and Hugs

[Yes I am]

Just have fun with it, it very well may be just a sexual thing, it is for a lot of transvestites.

[steffie39]

Hi,

My 0.02 :

If you really do accept his crossdressing, you can never tell a CDer that enough times but tell in a soft voice. Also maybe buying him a little something like a ladies watch or other jewelry or even some fem e clothing may help him realize that you accept him like that.

Sometimes denial comes from feeling guilty about CDing. If the CDer is accepted by his spouse though, over time the guilt should subside. If he feels good about himself when he dresses and if he finds that you accept that part of him (through continued communication of your feelings), the guilt can be removed over time.

Good luck!

Steffie

[HaleyPink2000]

Ok, here would be a great venue for you and Him/her. It's called SPICE. This year it's in Chicago Illinois. Please do your self a favor and take Him to this venue. Here is the link below.


http://chi-triess.org/spice/?

HGz, and hope all works out for the both of you.

[weemoofrazz]

Thankyou for the suggestion but I am in the UK, actually I am in the north east of Scotland !! Not so many venues in my area Ill bet !!!

[Sandra]

Hi,

When I first found out about Nigella her dressing was for the most part sexual, I felt that I was doing or had done sommat wrong, because to me it should have been me turning her on not the dressing, but I think for most CD/TV it does start out as a sexual release, now Nigella is dressing 24/7 it is not a sexual thing, don't know if thats a good or bad thing .

As for your boyfriend saying that he doesn't know why he does it, I had the same response from Nigella, she would say I just like it and like the feel of the clothes, even now after 19 years of me knowing about her I don't think she really knows why. Your boyfriend may be feeling guilty, thinking that it is something wrong that he is doing, but its not and if you are ok with it then reassure him and if you can, get him to join a site like this then I am sure it would help him.

[Tina Dixon]

"I don't know why!" Gosh I used this line my self, we just like to hows that, and getting away from online pron is the best thing to happen out of this.

[raksha GG]

I just wanted to say 'hi' as another GG from this side of 'the pond'. My DH and I have been together now for nearly 13 years, but I've only just recently started to be able to look at his 'hobby' in a more positive light.

We've tried to make progress in teeny tiny baby steps, we've spent a couple of pleasant evenings with me doing his make up, and one memorable day investigating his wardrobe Tonight I'm making quite a big step, and am going to see some pictures of him 'en femme' with a view to help him find a suitable avatar picture. We try and make these times as much fun for me as they are for her - wine and chocolates are often involved . I think often a CD'er gets so carried away with 'I want' they forget they are looking to share this 'thing'. Tracy is becoming very adept at helping me realise that accepting her brings its own rewards by making a consious effort to help more around the house.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

One thing to remember is that many of us are still guys under the dress.

And (to overgeneralize wildly) men often don't analyze things in detail the way women can do. (We you ask us what we're thinking and we say "nothing," we often really do mean it. )

And a number of us do dress as a form of escapism. So obsessing about "why" sort of defeats the purpose of a gender vacation.... (OTOH, some of us obsess over why in an effort to ease the guilt they feel over their dressing. And other -- including myself -- are interested more out of curiousity than anything.)

And as others have mentioned, even researchers who've studied the issue don't have any conclusive answers about why we do it. There are a set of motivations that are pretty common, although they often vary from person to person, but ultimately the reason why someone CDs really isn't known.

For a number of people here, CDing is a way of expressing a side of themselves that society considers "feminine." But it's entirely possible that his interests are just the ones he's mentioned.

The big thing to realize is that he needs time too. I know that it probably hurts because it feels like he doesn't trust you, but we typically spend a lifetime expecting to be rejected -- so when someone as accepting as you comes along, it can be hard to believe it's true.

Finally if I can offer some advice (sorry, it's a guy-thing, it's how we show we care), it might be best to back off a bit. Men (typically -- again to overgeneralize) process things differently than women and "mothering" can actually feel like smothering no matter how well intentioned. Sometimes it's best to just let a man know that you care and you're there -- and then just be quiet for a while. I know this sounds completely contrary to how you may think about showing you care, but this is actually the way men often will comfort each other. (We've got a non-verbal style of communication that's different than women -- and since women aren't attuned to it, they often don't pick up on it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. FYI, if you're curious about this, Norah Vincent talks about this in her book "Self-Made Man.")

[~Kitty GG~]

Asking why he does it is kind of like asking why you like a certain color..

You just do!

And so I'd back off on the "why?" and instead go with the flow for now. Keeping things open and comfortable. I do agree that mothering can be smothering. So I wouldn't push too hard.

He may be feeling guilt or shame and you're acceptance will hopefully help him to overcome those things.

I suggest you be honest with eachother and talk about this all while you're exploring where it takes your relationship. Bring up any little worries you have so that they can be laid to rest instead of becoming big monsterous worries. Let him feel comfortable talking with you about his concerns and his wishes. If things come up that one of you is uncomfortable with, try to find out why. And work toward a solution that doesn't stiffle one or alienate the other.

We do this all the time with the other aspects of our relationship.. money, kids, what car we'll buy... This adult, loving approach sure beats the heavy handed or the denial/dishonest approach.

You're doing great so far!

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[weemoofrazz]

Marlena, everyone else, many thanks for your comments and I'de like to tell you all that I have taken your advice and have definately moved away from the "why" issue, I reckon I was only so concerned with the why because I felt a little insecure that it may have been something that I was lacking or our relationship was missing due to me, I now know that is definately not the case and Kirsteen has assured me so. I will however say that the mere suggestion that he/she join this forum was met with sheer negativity!!! he informed me that he is not as I termed him...a crossdresser and since it was something that he could take or leave as it were he had no need to use a forum !!!

Like you have said earlier, he is somewhat in denial and I believe that he will need his own time to come to terms with things, and I do hope that given time he does accept himself...He has allot of insecurities from his previous relationship and he is now set himself the task of working through them, so I reckon I should back right off, take things at his pace and how he want's to do them and let him arrive here on his own...One way or another I feel that he will so a little time and patience is for the moment all I can offer !!!

Thanks guy's