An Interesting Process

[melissacd]

I have not been posting much these days (although I have been reading many of the threads) because back, I think it was around Januaryish, I came out to my wife for the second time. Anyone who has read past threads of mine will note that I was accidentally outed to my wife about 9 years back and it was a disaster. Over those 9 years the turmoil of keeping this inside had almost reached a boiling point, I was very unhappy and the relationship was going down the toilet. I was contemplating ending an almost 24 year relationship because I felt that I could no longer hide away this part of myself. For whatever reason, perhaps it was because of discussions with sisters I know from here, perhaps because of discussions with a local CD friend I have made, perhaps because I was at the end of my rope and felt that I had little to lose I came out to her again and this time she listened and we chatted about it and while she is not fully embracing this, she is at least accepting that it is a part of who I am. I do not know what changed in her, perhaps she saw that I was desperate or perhaps she loved me too much to throw away so many years together, however, she has changed, she is okay with me buying femme things (though she still won't help me) and she is okay with me wearing those things in private (although she won't see me that way) and she is okay with me going to cross dresser meetings (although she won't go with me) and she is starting to read some of the books that I have given her about this subject (although it is a slow read on her part). While it is not perfect it is a wonderful start and I can only hope that over time she will become more comfortable with the whole thing.

An amazing thing in this process is that I have started to shave my legs and chest. At first she was not happy about it but now she is fine with it, in fact we had a bunch of her lady friends over today and she was encouraging me to wear shorts and big surprise, none of the women even noticed my clean shaven legs. I have also grown my nails longer and no one comments at all.

I have also noticed that the more comfortable I am with going into ladies departments and shopping the less anyone cares or notices. It is almost as if my own personal self confidence and comfort with this whole side of myself resonates with the world around me and says that it is okay to be this way and do these things.

It is a strange process, but I feel that as I move more and more towards being myself, being feminine when the mood hits meet and being masculine the rest of the time that for the most part all will be well with the world. I have heard other girls here who have moved further down the path than I have yet make these statements that confidence and belief in yourself mixed with a good sense of humour will make all well and I am beginning to see that that is true.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this observation? I would love to hear what others have to say, what others have experienced.

Huggs
Melissa

[Byllie]

Melissa,

Sounds like you and I are at about the same stage of coming out. I just came out to my wife last night, and today is the start of our adjustment period. As for others not noticing, that makes perfect sense. It's the things we're most nervous about that most often trips us up. Bad analogy, perhaps, but think of thieves who get caught because they look guilty. You're getting more comfortable with yourself, and therefore less "guilty looking."

[Eugenie]

Hello Melissa,

We have much in common. My wife reacts somewhat like yours. She knows about my X-dressing since almost 35 years. I told her a few years after we got married...

It is OK for me to X-dress, with all the conséquences (buying clothes, having my wardrobe full of them, meeting sisters, participating to internet discussions, etc.) but like your wife she doesn't want to have any part in it.

Your wife seems to have made one more step than mine, accepting to read (albeit slowly) some information about the subject...

Could you tell us what in your opinion decided her to make that move?

I seem to perceive some slight moves in that direction from my wife but I'm afraid of pushing her too soon...



Eugenie

[Eleanor]

My now ex-wife loved when I crossdressed!She told me my name was Eleanor in a previous life as she practiced witchcraft and would invoke firespirits that came to her as a child!I guess my course is different from many of you!We are still very close and very good friends!The best part was she said in her previous life she was a man attracted to me and had this serious foot fetish!It was alot of fun with her but we broke up and stayed very close friends and she still supports me and helps me out!I strayed away from CDing after the breakup but am now getting back into it and the ex is going with me to Kohl`s to buy clothes for me!I`m so excited now!Yippee!!!

[Phoebe Reece]

Melissa,
It sounds like you are on the right track. Self acceptance is key item here. If you don't feel good about yourself no one around you will either. It's a lot easier for a partner to accept what you do if you are not exhibiting guilt and self-loathing.

[btmgrl6]

Just what Iv'e been saying all along. Once we accept our selves and stop fearing what "society" thinks about us.... we'll find that people really don't care.


Steph

[melissacd]

Melissa,
It's a lot easier for a partner to accept what you do if you are not exhibiting guilt and self-loathing.

Very important point Phoebe, I feel the difference between then and now is that back then I felt a great deal of guilt and felt it was a sickness to be cured of, now I know that this is a normal part of who I am and I feel that having that strength of conviction was important in helping her to accept that part of me.

[melissacd]

Well I guess that I spoke too soon. Last night I went to snuggle up to my wife in bed and she pushed me away. She told me that she accepts that I am a cross dresser, but that she wants no part in it. She said that she has no interest in helping me, no interest in learning anymore than she has about it, has no interest in seeing me dressed or going to any cross dresser functions and that she finds that me having my legs and chest shaved is totally unappealing to her. She told me that I will have to pursue this completely on my own without her support or approval.

I was devastated especially since we were not even talking about cross dressing, we were just bedding down for the night. I thought we had made so much progress, I was not pushing this on her, not trying to make her do anything she was not ready for, I was helping her as she was ready to take in a bit more and at her own (slow) pace and then out of the blue...this!

She made it sound so final. I have moved too far along the path of accepting my femme side to stop now and so I can see that this could have serious implications for our future life together. If her position does not change then I see stormy relationship clouds looming on the horizon

Melissa

[Brianna Lovely]

Well I guess that I spoke too soon.

She made it sound so final. I have moved too far along the path of accepting my femme side to stop now and so I can see that this could have serious implications for our future life together. If her position does not change then I see stormy relationship clouds looming on the horizon

Melissa

Hi Malissa, I do hope that you won't have a "stormy relationship" with your SO. However, you may have to start thinking of your CDing like taking up a hobby. If you love to play golf and your SO hated it, you would still find time to do what you enjoy. Same thing with CDing, if she won't join you, then you'll just have to enjoy it by yourself. If she strongly objects, then perhaps there's a seperation in your future.
Wishing you luck,
Brianna L

[~Kitty GG~]

Sorry to hear that she took this step back.

If it were me.. I'd try to focus on her feelings and reasons for taking the step back.

There's no gaurentee that she'll come around but there is a chance. There are a gzillion reasons for a wife to shy away. But only she knows what hers are. If you can get her to talk with about them.. letting her know that she's allowed to say anything no matter how silly it sounds.. anything. That you're asking for the information to understand not to dismiss it or to judges her.

There could be very easy compromises or solutions to her particular reasons for wanting to stay isolated from this. But you won't know unless you have some idea of what it is you're trying to compromise on or solve.

Now I'm NOT saying that you have to take a back seat in any way. I'm saying COMMUNICATE.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[melissacd]

Hi Malissa, I do hope that you won't have a "stormy relationship" with your SO. However, you may have to start thinking of your CDing like taking up a hobby. If you love to play golf and your SO hated it, you would still find time to do what you enjoy. Same thing with CDing, if she won't join you, then you'll just have to enjoy it by yourself. If she strongly objects, then perhaps there's a seperation in your future.
Wishing you luck,
Brianna L

Brianna,

Thanks for the reply. When she told me this I said, well I guess it will be like any other hobby that husbands and wives choose to do their own separate thing with and she said that this to her is not a hobby that I choose to do on my own and that in fact she is very turned off by the fact that I do it. She said that while she will not stop me from doing it, that she finds the fact that I do this unappealing to her suggesting that for as long as I do do this she will not be attracted to me anymore. Of course it goes without saying that this will have a huge impact on the relationship.

Much for me to ponder.

Melissa

[melissacd]

Sorry to hear that she took this step back.

If it were me.. I'd try to focus on her feelings and reasons for taking the step back.

There's no gaurentee that she'll come around but there is a chance. There are a gzillion reasons for a wife to shy away. But only she knows what hers are. If you can get her to talk with about them.. letting her know that she's allowed to say anything no matter how silly it sounds.. anything. That you're asking for the information to understand not to dismiss it or to judges her.

There could be very easy compromises or solutions to her particular reasons for wanting to stay isolated from this. But you won't know unless you have some idea of what it is you're trying to compromise on or solve.

Now I'm NOT saying that you have to take a back seat in any way. I'm saying COMMUNICATE.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

Kitty,

I very much appreciate a woman's point of view. I agree that communication must happen if nothing more than to establish if there is any possibility that over time she could change her mind. I asked her what predicated this statement and she said that she has been thinking a great deal about this lately and does not know why it is so difficult for her to accept this, but that she cannot. When I ask her to work through this with me, read some more, watch some videos that I have, she says that she is not interested in learning anymore and sees no reason to discuss this any further.

I must say that I am at a loss. How can any progress be made if she does not want to discuss it or learn more about it? How can a relationship continue when she finds me unappealing because I do this? In as much as she knows that I am a cross dresser and knows that I will continue to partake of this I cannot fathom how I can do this if it disgusts her and makes me unappealing to her just by virtue of her knowing that I do it. I know that she will not stop me from cross dressing, that she will look the other way, however, this now feels so uncomfortable that I am not sure what to do.

I will continue to ask her to talk to me about it, however, if she is unwilling to do so there will come a point where I have to let it go and do my best to manage within this no-supportive environment. It just seems to me that non-support, knowledge of her disgust will over time be a recipe for marital disaster. I do not see how I can do this without over time it having an eroding effect on the relationship when she feels this way.

Melissa

[~Kitty GG~]

Kitty,

I very much appreciate a woman's point of view. I agree that communication must happen if nothing more than to establish if there is any possibility that over time she could change her mind. I asked her what predicated this statement and she said that she has been thinking a great deal about this lately and does not know why it is so difficult for her to accept this, but that she cannot. When I ask her to work through this with me, read some more, watch some videos that I have, she says that she is not interested in learning anymore and sees no reason to discuss this any further.
Melissa

I know its not looking very positive at this point.

The only thing I could suggest IF you can get her to indulge you for a discussion.. is to explore what her thoughts were exactly. Not so that you can debunk her ideas but just so you know what's driving her unacceptance.

She did bring up the attraction thing. So you have that to work with.

I don't think that asking her to read more is a good suggestion at this point. I'd just focus on conversation. Expressing feelings, hopes, dreams. IF she'll talk about it.

No matter how much others can accept you, its important that you accept you. Working out how to handle this the best way is important. But I hope that you will keep in mind that you are still a worthy and valuable person.


~Kitty~

[melissacd]

Kitty,

I really appreciate your comments. Thanks so much. It is helpful during these trying times.

Melissa

[Brianna Lovely]

Melissa, I agree with Kitty, you have to try to keep the lines of communication open.
We don't know what is motivating your SO's thinking or feelings. But, perhaps you two can reach some kind of understanding if she will talk about her feelings. Sometimes not an easy thing to do.
You may want to let this go for a while, don't push her, and see if she will bring up the subject on her own.

I have a SO who I love, but we fight like cats and dogs, lol.
But, the first time I walked into the livingroom wearing a sheer lavender dress, his mouth dropped open and he stammered, "you look lovely in that dress". I was shocked, but I guess it means that he accepts my CDing.

My ex-wife was ok with me going to bed wearing a nightie, but after a few minutes, wanted it off. I don't think she ever accepted my CDing.
Hugs,
Brianna

[btmgrl6]

Sounds to me like she's fed up.. Maybe there was a time when she may have TOLERATED your "hobby" . I think you might be pushing your luck to keep after about it right now... Maybe you would be better off letting things cool down a bit. It sounds to me like you are about ready to give her an ultimatum....Sounds like you are saying... it's got to my way...Be very careful.



Just my opinion...Steph

[gennee]

[SIZE="3"]I know that dressing is part of your life, Melissa. My suggestion is to don't force the issue. Keep the lines of communication open. I told my wife a few months ago. She doesn't approve of it but she says that's me. I would love to tell her more about what I do but I'm not going to ram it down her throat. I will keep you in my thoughts. Please tell us about your progrss.

Gennee[/SIZE]

[melissacd]

I appreciate all of your thoughts. I agree that communication is important and I want to communicate with her about this. It is tough to do when she does not want to talk about it.

In terms of pushing too much or waiting until she brings up the subject herself, in the 9 years since she found out about this side of me she has never once brought up the subject. It was not until the relationship was imploding that I came out to her again (felt like the first time), the subject started to be discussed and it was very clear that much of the relationship problems stemmed back to not resolving this issue. Since those discussions have started many months back I have been open to answering all of her questions, provided her with all sorts of resources, offered to connect her up with other SO's so she can get a female perspective (she refused), we have gone to relationship counseling and talked about this and never have I pushed her to do anything. I have offered her conversation, resources that she can review at her pace (she is not used most of them), so for her to out of the blue, without having enough conversation, without sufficient counsel, without looking at any of the video resources and barely reading the books and the binder I created for her to state that she cannot be a part of this, that I must hide it away - it is very hard for me to deal with, it feels like a rejection of me.

I understand that she should have been told at the beginning, but I grew up in a time when this was considered a sickness, when cross dressers were considered deviant, when attempts were made to cure cross dressers, never getting support from anyone, always made to feel guilty about this and feeling that I could give it up for love...so it is no wonder that I hid it from her for so long.

In every other way she has loved me all these years. I do not understand why admission to cross dressing should change that. I want to be fair, patient and give her time, however, I feel it only fair that she meet me part way.

[Jerry]

It seems that many SO's have as hard of a time as we do. We've been trying to understand this all of our lives. We think about it very often (many times a day for years) and have thought through the issues from every way we can think of. And many of us still struggle. But they haven't had nearly to time or desire to work it through their concious and unconsious.

It's hard but we have to understand their perspective. It's understandable that their is a natural repulsion by most. Our society doesn't understand or support it, and women have been "raised" to be attracted to complex male ques. A feminine mate isn't a typical one.

From the many threads here, it seems typical for a mostly unsupportive SO to swing from "seeming" acceptance to complete rejection. That includes all of the gray in between.

Continue to be the best person in her life. Make sure she remembers why you were attracted to each other. It's easier for her to try to understand you when she has a reason to.

In the mean time, enjoy the time you have, when you can, and keep it out of her face.

Best I can offer. It's what I do. I'm still hopeful.

Jerry