So Stupid

[Sandygal]

I've had the talk last weekend with my wife. I feel much better, still very nervous inside. I have such wonderfull dreams of dressing up and my wife is a big part of them. I feel real rotten putting her through all of this. Does that feeling ever go away? I promised her that there would be no more secrets. I scewed up allready. Today I had the urge to buy something new for myself, I have worked up the courage to buy a corsett. I really had the need to look pretty.(at least in my eyes) I took the signs off of my work truck and went to the lingerie store. I felt like a kid in a candy store. When I got home, I started to make dinner. My wife then arrived and the first thing she said to me is "why did you take the signs off of your truck?" I told her I was going to wash the truck, but then changed my mind. I knew that she knew I was not truthfull. Why didn't I just tell her I went shopping? Deep down I am so embarressed to tell her. Why? I told her I was a crossdresser. She must know I have had to buy things for myself. Once you are out and your actually telling your wife "Hi honey,I had a great day,work was ok and I bought some nice panties for myself" Is something I wasn't ready for. I wish she would let me buy things over the internet, it would make things so much easier. Anyhow, after a few hours, I worked up the courage again and told her what I did. I apoligized to her and really meant it. I promised no more lies. She knew I was lying and was mad. I'm so glad I told her, otherwise she will never trust me. I want to make sure things go forward, not back. Is anybody else coming out and then allmost screwing up right away? I'm learning, tell the truth. I'm so happy I found so many others like myself, If I didn't have this outlet, I would explode ... TaTa....Sandy

[Barb Valentine]

Hi Sandy
I can't talk from experience (I'm still in the closet)
But I can talk on how I feel
You didn't say how long you've been hiding your CDing
I feel you have been hiding it for so long it just becomes habit
Next time you go shopping for panties or anything buy your SO some as well
then when she comes home you can say "look honey I bought myself some new panties but look what I got you"
I hope this helps

Barb

[Rikkicn]

Even after my partner knew all about my cding I was still embarrased by it. It wasn't until I got through that and felt good about it could I tell her every little detail. It took along time to tell her I liked to dress up in little frilly things and "play" that way. She was wonderful with it and I know now, that she would have been fine all along. It was my own embarasment that got in the way.
It takes time.

Love,
Rikki

[Caitlintgsd]

My wife's known about me for a long time. We've been out together on several occasions, when we can get a sitter to watch the vertically challenged people in the family. She won't leave them home alone as they'd probably eat each other. But no, I don't tell of each and every purchase I make. She knows it's all hanging in the closet and she goes through it when she needs something for an outfit. She does ask, "So when did you get this"? I usually tell her a couple of months ago as that's typically the truth. But I don't show her each and every item. It's hanging in the closet if she's interested.

[Wenda]

It takes time, you are on the right track, and honesty is the absolutely most important part. Keep it up. It gets easier. Also, don't press, listen to your SO and try to think about her needs. best wishes.

[Sandygal]

I've been a cd since I was a small child. Only have been fully dressing for the last 5 years. Came out of closet to wife 2 years ago and jumped right back into closet. The urge to dress has been huge this last year and finally told wife everything. I guess we have a long road to follow, its scary and very embarrasing to talk about. You would think after 28 years of marrige, anything can be discussed. Well you can talk about anything, its just not as easy as you think it will be.

[Jenny586]

Keep telling her the truth, it will get easy to do. I had the same problem when I first came out to my wife, but now I do (at least when she asks). Now when I buy some new clothes I tell her, makes is better then trying to figure out when I got them when she asks 2-3 weeks later.

[Kristen Kelly]

[SIZE="3"]Working on telling long time GF now. hardest thing I ever did. Up until a few months ago would have been so embaraced, now I know its a big part of me. Just worried how she going to take it, Im still not sure she has come to grips with my shaving, I feel if I dump the whole thing on her now she will bolt.I owe it to her to tell her, wish I had told her a long time ago. but then I was deep in the closet, to others and myself.[/SIZE]

[michelle-h]

Hey Sandy,

If your wife knows and is at least tolerant, then comlete and total honesty is the only way to go. I know it is hard, I still catch myself wondering whether to tell my wife some things. But, if she doesn't feel like she can trust you, then things will only get worse. I still had not told my wife that I had posted a picture on Laura's, but when I did, she surprised me and told me that she would help me get a better picture. Your wife may surprise you too.

Good Luck,

Michelle-H

[Byllie]

Mark Twain says it's easier to tell the truth because then you have less to remember.

[Eugenie]

Eventhough my wife knows I buy women clothes, I refrain from telling her everything about it for the simple reason that she doesn't like my "femme" side.
I try to avoid being too obviously showing my women stuff to her, she sees it from time to time when she opens my closet. I've now well separated my drab clothes in order that they aren't too much exposed to her view.

When I receive clothes from catalog order I try to be discrete.

When we go shopping together I try to avoid making comments such as "Gee, I like that skirt." I know she knows that i'm looking at women clothes anyhow... But I rather not insist...

Eugenie

[Tracy_Victoria]

Is anybody else coming out and then allmost screwing up right away? I'm learning, tell the truth. I'm so happy I found so many others like myself, If I didn't have this outlet, I would explode ... TaTa....Sandy

You and me both?


Boy has this thread helped me, I think the opening post could have been written by me, so I'm so glad to have found this thread, because clearly I'm not the only one who feel his way

Sandygal wrote

I've had the talk last weekend with my wife. I feel much better, still very nervous inside. I have such wonderfull dreams of dressing up and my wife is a big part of them. I feel real rotten putting her through all of this.

I don't think I could have put it a better way myself, and I really, really understand what your saying here, I even told her if there was a cure for this madness, I would take it with out a second thought, yet she is so aware that the feeling to do this will never stops, we can surpress it, and hide it, but in the end it gets us, and we just have to dress.

Last week we had a fantastic day, then i ruined it, Not because of any other reason than my inabilitity to just talk to her. in fact she told me that it was not my dressing that was causing the main problem, but infact my lack of comunication. ie my fear of telling her, was hurting her far more than my wanting to do it. (and the stupid think is she has supported me doing this for 13 years now, i've always been able to dress with her blessing, yet over those years I've struggled to tell her anything about it, again probably due to her fears a little, but also down to mine!!!!

So basically I am now going to try and be more open with her, I have a few thing on order through ebay (sorry Hun!) that I've already bid and paid for, but from now on, i'm going to try and say do you think this will work, if I see something I will ask her advice, or tell her i've bid on it, ie try to involve her more. I don't want to drown her in my crossdressing, (I don't want it to be the only thing we ever talk about, but, hopefully she knows I do need to talk!!!

I always have had a good life with her, the last 13 years have flown by, and been a blast, and i love her so deeply (so yes, I hate myself, for putting her through this also) however I can think of nothing more I would like in the world than to feel relaxed in her company, and be able to have a laugh with her whilst I'm dressed up as Tracy!!! As I have told her, I have no desire to be female, but every desire to be taken as female, which I know is something she struggles with, because she see that as a deception! Which in a way it is, but if my dressing as Tracy, at that time is because thats how I want to be seen and taken (and have people accept the female side of my personallity at that time) is that really a deseption at all, or is it just showing your other self for just a short while.

I suppose a lot of my problem, (and probably others!) is I don't understand this madness myself sometimes, why does a fully grown man, with a great family, devoted wife, and lovely kids, want to dress up as a girl! yet I do? and Why? When I do it, do I want to be so good, that I want people to think I am a girl! hence if I just don't understand this madness, how can we expect other to! All I can say here, is Sandygal, and myself, and the others with SO trying to get to grips with this, are so, so lucky, to have someone thats trying.

So GG's, and SO's, like this, and who try to understand this madness we live in, are so, so special, not only for trying to understand us, but for loving us, whatever. I'm so, so lucky to have Raksha, and I'm even luckier, for her trying not only to understand my strange hobby, but for sticking with me, no matter how stupid my goal is.

(Thanks hon, I love you soooooooooo Much

[Jerry]

This is the one item about which there is a trust issue. I can go out on business trips and she knows I won't be unfaithful. But on this, it's tough to know the boundrys.

I don't want to hurt her by bringing it up, because it's such a sore subject. She wants forewarning, but when I do (about buying things, having personal time, being in this forum), I can feel the wall between us thickening.

If I'm home alone, she's always wondering if I'll dress. She wonders how much time I spend here.

Like you, I feel it's a wonderful curse. And there is guilt. I know many here believe we should just get over ourselves and be who we are. Easier said than done. Good luck.

Jerry

[Sandra]

Just keep being honest with her and take it slow.

[Sandygal]

It's like we all could have wrote this post with small changes. I feel sorry for the people before us that didn't have the internet. They must have been so unhappy. For those of you that have full support from your wives, you must be so very happy! For the rest of us, we just pray to be where your at.

[Sophia Rearen]

It's difficult to express something so easily, when you've been hiding it from others for years. It takes time, lots of time in my case. It will be embarrasssing for awhile. Then, you'll both be ok. Then, you may dress fully in front of her. That's what I did. Talk about awkward and uncomfortable. But we did it. Also, self acceptance goes a long way to open conversations.

[EricaCD]

Hi! Relax, settle down, take a deep breath. Your wife and you are not in a sprint - the process of understanding is a marathon.

That said, there seem to be three cardinal rules:

1. Be honest
2. Educate
3. Don't push

Sometimes these rules come into conflict. Explaining why you removed the panels from your truck would have been honest, but might have been pushing. You won't always get the balance perfect! That said, if you do your best to follow these major precepts you should maximize the chance of a happy ending

Good luck! (And wish me luck as I go thru the same thing.)
Erica

[kathy gg]

HI Sandy,

I run a yahoo group for women married or in relationships with cds...and always, always it is the trust issue that seems to be everyone's biggest hurdle. It seems just as many women start to feel 'okay' and not freaked out or have all their worries ironed out, something like this will happen. A lie for no reason. As always I try to console by saying that a lifetime of hiding/secrecy/and deciet will almost cause a person to continue to repeat the pattern if they dont' make a concentrated effort to be honest. Like any habit wheich we try to break outselves off of, so must this be a concentrated effort to just be honest. It comes down to breaking the habit of secrecy and hiding and lying.

So just having acceptance from an SO does not "cure everything". I think the process of realizing one gets to just 'be' takes time to get comfortable about. But it also I believe is a HUGELY important step in self acceptance. How can one feel shameful about something which has no shame attached to it? How can something that brings so much happiness be so shameful?

Stop assocating crossdressing with 'bad' or 'strange' or 'weird' or 'embarrassment" or anything negative.

Start assocating it with being true, honest, and open, and sharing. When you start attaching positive feelings to this part of your personality you can't help but reflect those in your actions and life.

And big applause for letting your wife know you as a whole human being. Takes strength, something you obviously posess.

[Jenni'sGirl GG]

Hi,

Being truthful is the most important factor for sure.

But you have nothing to be ashamed about so from my point of view, telling her what you bought and showing it to her would be best. If this is all new to her then her seeing it on you without prior knowledge might be too much. If she sees it first she gets to imagine you in it and I think that takes some of the shock away from the situation. Time really will help.

My sweetie picked up rather quickly that if she got something new it was nice to surprise me with alittle something too. Not always but everyone likes to recieve a gift out of the blue. And of course I try to do the same thing.

I hope it works out well for you both. Take the time to talk, try to be as understanding as possible, I know that this is hard for you too. It is a bumpy road but smoother roads are ahead.

One last thing! Enjoy the corset and I bet you are smashing in it.

Cheers,
Jenni'sGirl

[Sandygal]

Thanks Jenni...The corset was exciting!

[Sandygal]

Hugs to all of you

[raksha GG]

When you consider the basis of the whole CD thing is deception, is it surprising the SO gets worried about the lying aspect?

My Mum always used to say 'liars have to have good memories'.....

The most frustrating thing about living with a CD'er is when you *know* because of the signs (such as mascara round the eyes - you might think it's all gone, but it still leaves enough of a trace, especially on very fine eyelashes) and your SO is still denying it - even when you're 'accepting'.

I think it's often become such a habit for you chaps to lie in a defensive mode, that you just keep on doing it.......