Being in a state of limbo between male (body) and female (mind) has brought me much loneliness. Born with a male body and raised as a male, society set expectations for me as a male. I did the "male" things because that is what was expected of me. Service, marriage, relationships. Yet the "expectations" for a male were beyond my reach as my mind wanted to engage in those activites as a female. So I had to do the best I could which never turned out to be good enough.
As Donna I find a peace and serenity that is comforting. Yet my past experiences have all been in "male" mode and that weighs heavily on how I am as a female. As many have said on here, we never got the chance to experience growing up as a female, the dating, the proms, the sleepovers, the things that girls enjoyed and that molded them into women.
Through my 50+ years, there have been short periods of time that Donna has been able to enjoy herself. Yet it has always been back to "male" mode for the job, to survive financially. Society appears to not be ready for us in the workplace.
Because of my loneliness, I crave a relationship, someone to love me. The problem I find is that when I attract a female in male mode, I know there is going to be a point where she is going to have to know about Donna. In my age group, those women are looking for the male to fullfill their needs. Shattering that expectation has proven in the past to shatter the relationship.
As I sit here in tears trying to write this, how do you deal with the loneliness?