I told my wife ... it did NOT go well

[fionasboots]

It's late here (23:30), think I actually broke the news at 23:00, it's all kind of a blur.

I think I probably went against every piece of advice that I was given

From what I can remember my wife made a comment that, with all the shaving of legs etc I was probably a transvestite, at which point I said I was, I just thought it was an opportunity and a point at which I couldn't lie.

She reacted very badly and has asked me to get out of the house until she can get her head round this.

She has said that she wants to be married to a man and not half and half.

She cried for at least 5 minutes

I haven't been able to cry, I seem to feel detached as if this isn't happening (how else would I be able to type this now).

She has said she has no-one to tell about this and may have to talk to her mum; I said that it is up to her who she tells.

She has said that she doesn't want our son to know or to see me dressed up (he is only 3 at the moment). I said that that was fine.

She has talked about me breaking her heart by telling her this and asked why I never said anything before.

Life has suddenly gone horribly wrong

[NighttimeGirl]

that sounds like the conversation i had with my G/f some many years ago she was heartborken and said she couldnt go on, we have split previously through this not so long back, last week but now it is going well again, she needs time and plenty of it to think, it is a big change for her to accept, yeah the bombshell you dropped ?? well how else sometimes can you fit it into the conversation,
were in the uk are you if you dont mind me asking, I am in Notts its 23:48

Dont give up hope, there are plenty of ppl on the forum who are in the same situation so you are in the best place for advice, let her cool off and then try again in the morning, I have a two year old and one on the way as well so i know how difficult it is, theres allsorts of questions she will throw at you now, just be prepared and tell her what your intentions are if you know, I didnt when I first told my G/f she is cool now, we go shopping and everything together, beleive me this can have a happy ending

good luck Fiona

love Linda xxxx

[Laura C]

I went threw the same thing . i had very bad results I ended up getting devorced. I hope things work out better for you..

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Fiona

Now you have to deal with all the fall out.
You know it's going to take a lot of hard work time and patience to slove this.
I guess you know most of it having been here a while.
Remember have the information ready for when she asks all the questions.
Go at the pace she wants to go at. But most of all be honest as if she suspects another secret then it could get worse.

Take Care
I hope you can both get through this situation.

[SherriePall]

Fiona -- I told my wife after nearly 25 years of marriage. That was over six years ago. It didn't go well. I wasn't too prepared. I just blurted it out. After a couple of days, she calmed down and we talked. We still love each other, but she has never seen me dressed. Yet she does, in some small ways, allow Sherrie to exist. Just take it slowly. Don't push. And, this is very important, keep telling your wife how much you love her and that it was because of your love for her that you didn't tell her sooner -- that you were afraid to lose her (which I was). Take care and keep in touch.

[karen fox]

When I first told my wife, she did not react well either. She told her mum, her sister & husband, her sister-in-law and MY mum.
She was ok with it for a while when we had spent hours and hours talking, but although we are no longer together, it does not mean every couple ends up the same.
Your partner has actually said she needs to get her head around this fact. If I were you I'd take that as a good sign that maybe things will work out between you.

[spoonie]

Fionasboots
Hi Im sorry things have worked out as bad for you, I would suggest you and your good lady sleep on it and give her time to digest the bomb shell you have just drop in her lap.then try to make amends tomorrow.
best of luck
Love as always
Spoonie

[fionasboots]

Thank you all for the kind and supportive words.

I certainly hope that this will have a happy outcome but, obviously at the moment things don't look too good.

The last thing my wife said to me was that she didn't like liars. I think this was something I expected from what has been said to me before about coming out.

She is absolutely right, I have lied to her and hidden things from her I did try and say that I had wanted to tell her and that I was confused about this for a long time.

I asked her what she was imagining and she said "you prancing around in my clothes" so I told her that I had my own, I'm not sure whether this made her feel better or worse. She did ask where they were (I told her - in the loft) but wasn't specific about location.

She also asked what clothes I had but I refused to answer that since I didn't think it would actually help much at all at the moment.

[Julie Avery]

Sorry to hear that your partner is being clueless. You have my support. Your posts here have been polite and constructive, it's a durn shame that you find yourself in this fix. Do not blame yourself. I think it's clear that you're doing everything you can.

Julie aka Doug

[NewbieCD]

It's late here (23:30), think I actually broke the news at 23:00, it's all kind of a blur.

I think I probably went against every piece of advice that I was given

From what I can remember my wife made a comment that, with all the shaving of legs etc I was probably a transvestite, at which point I said I was, I just thought it was an opportunity and a point at which I couldn't lie.

She reacted very badly and has asked me to get out of the house until she can get her head round this.

She has said that she wants to be married to a man and not half and half.

She cried for at least 5 minutes

I haven't been able to cry, I seem to feel detached as if this isn't happening (how else would I be able to type this now).

She has said she has no-one to tell about this and may have to talk to her mum; I said that it is up to her who she tells.

She has said that she doesn't want our son to know or to see me dressed up (he is only 3 at the moment). I said that that was fine.

She has talked about me breaking her heart by telling her this and asked why I never said anything before.

Life has suddenly gone horribly wrong

If nothing else invite her to the boards and let talk to other GG's here who have so's that CD and let them help they have a lot of advice and understand what she is going thru it is out there now nothing you can do but be supportive of her and ride out the storm. I wish you the best of luck. I will pray for you and your wife.

[fionasboots]

Sorry to hear that your partner is being clueless. You have my support. Your posts here have been polite and constructive, it's a durn shame that you find yourself in this fix.

Julie aka Doug

I have to leap to my wife's defense here; she isn't being clueless at all she is just having a great deal of difficulty taking this in.

For 5 years she thinks she has been married to a normal, manly guy and now she finds that she didn't really know the person she married.

I would concede that other people may have an easier time with dealing with this sort of news simply because they have a greater degree of experience in life, e.g. may have come across CDers before, had friends who are CDers, or even just living in a big city when you either encounter more diverse people or at the very least read about them.

I don't think my wife's life in general has included experiences that can help her cope with this sort of bombshell, I'm pretty much out of my depth here as well and would be completely drowning if it wasn't for what I have read on this forum and the support the people here have shown me

So "clueless" is rather harsh, "helpless" may be a more appropriate word. And yes, it is a shame that I'm in this situation but it's more of a shame that my wife is having to deal with it without the same help I've got.

And no, sadly I don't think this forum can help her (yet), since she isn't really up to speed with using the internet for this sort of thing and, while I certainly won't stop her looking for information I think sending her straight here may lead to information overload and possibly her seeing things that make her worry even more.

I have found some sites that may be of use but I'll have to see how it goes.

[fionasboots]

If nothing else invite her to the boards and let talk to other GG's here who have so's that CD and let them help they have a lot of advice and understand what she is going thru it is out there now nothing you can do but be supportive of her and ride out the storm. I wish you the best of luck. I will pray for you and your wife.

Thank you for those kind words, but please, don't bother praying for me, it's my wife that needs to help now, not me.

As for directing her here, see my previous post on the thread (just sent it a few mins ago), it would be nice if she could get support here but I think that will be a long time off.

[tekla west]

I feel sorry for you and for your wife. That sitution is never pretty.

I always try to advocate the truth from the beginning for this very reason. My GF knew I dressed from the start, within 24 of meeting me she saw me dressed. Because we started like this, its been no big deal.

If this can be of any use to anyone, the lesson is to come out to begin with. I don't think any of the GGs will fault me for saying that honesty is not a bad way to begin a real relationship. Whatever the pain is up front in rejection, it only compounds as time goes by. Being rejected for someone you meet over coffee is a bitch. Being rejected by someone you have built a life with will rip your heart out, drag your soul through shards of glass, and put concertina wire around your other emotions. Belive me, that's a hard way to go.

[Calliope]

For 5 years she thinks she has been married to a normal, manly guy and now she finds that she didn't really know the person she married.

I think your best bet is to remain the 'normal, manly guy' she knows - that is, keep your everyday behavior consistent (while allowing the dialogue to continue), that way perhaps she'll realize her world hasn't imploded, it just got richer.

[Tracy Lynn]

Hi Fiona,

When I came out to my wife there was lots of crying on both sides. Things have worked out very good since though. I hope she can find a way to deal with this. She probably just needs some space for now. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the best,

[ava_bruna]

I guess it all boils down to, BEING HONEST at the onset, either that or stay in the closet and get stressed out you either care enought for your wife/ GF to do as she want's, ie give up CDing or let her go cause it will surface time and time again and you will never be happy. either of you. Everyone has their own idea of what to do but when the time does come, DO WE ? just play it by ear and hope for the best, BEST OF LUCK.

[Holly]

Fiona, I am at a loss for words. I can only hope and pray that the strength of the lpve between the two of you will eventually prevail. Unlike at the beginning of your disclosure to her, I hope you will heed the advice to be prepared to talk to her openly, honestly, and at her pace and when she is ready. you've been dealing with this for some time now... it's all new to her.

[drew44]

I understand how guilty you must feel. It's never easy. But the cat is out of the bag now. And let's be honest, there must be a part that feels relief. It's just going to be difficult to predict the outcome here, especially if she has been socialized in a very traditional way.

Furthermore, remember that she is going to worry about what her family and friends might think if they find out. Allowing you to dress is one thing. Coming out to all will complicate her life. So that is a point to consider.

My best wishes

[Jessica Brekke]

I feel for you, Fiona. I'm in a similar situation. I told my wife about it after being married for five years. She was extremely upset. We stayed together for another five years, mostly by me shutting down my CD impulses... but in the end, that was not a viable solution. As of a month ago, she and I have seperated.

I think the most important thing you can do is continue being yourself, reassure her that you still love her and keep the lines of communication open. And above all, honesty from here on out.

And know that a lot of us here sympathize with both you, and your wife.

[midwest GG]

She also asked what clothes I had but I refused to answer that since I didn't think it would actually help much at all at the moment.[/QUOTE]


Hello,
When my husband came out to me, I wanted to know everything. All of the questions I asked, no matter how hard, he answered. I think that for somepeople it helps to know everything, and then digest it..that's how I liked it. I just wanted to let you know that everyone is different however, I know you want to protect her and I can tell you love her dearly. Comming from a GG who totally freaked out when I first found out, she may just need time and answers. Give her both of them and what is supposed to happen, will happen. Good luck, and please tell her she is not alone, Someone in Minnesota USA has fealt the same exact way.

[Maria2004]

beleive me this can have a happy ending

good luck Fiona

love Linda xxxx

She's right. My coming out was as traumatic , thought it was the end of the world when my wife equally freaked (as expected, and quite normal), and she was certianly not "clueless either, highly intelligent and highly educated (except about transvestites, but so was I at the time).

The initial outing, as bad (or in some cases as good) as it may seem, is not a reliable indicator of what the future may hold. Be honest with "yourself" AND your wife now. If true love existed between you -as your previous replies indicate- a happy ending will be the probability.

PS Don't bring your wife to the forum right away, if at all, I agree with your assesment, your on the right track for your situation there. Hope in the long run it works out for you as well as it did for me.

[Marla GG]

Fiona,

I am so sorry about the way this went for you; you must be crushed. If it is any consolation, I think you were right to tell her the truth when she asked you outright. Any more evasive answers would have only made things worse in the long run.

Please try to understand that a lot of women DO freak out and cry when they first learn about their partners' dressing, and that doesn't mean they will never accept it. It may just be shock, coupled with a lack of understanding about exactly what a crossdresser is. Ten years ago, when my first CD boyfriend (not Angel) told me that he liked to wear women's clothes, my reaction was not that different from your wife's. I cried, felt sick, and wouldn't let him touch me for several days. I am not proud of the way I handled it, but I remember feeling completely overwhelmed and needing time to deal with my feelings before we could even talk about it. But after talking it over with him and educating myself, I realised it was no big deal. It wasn't long before I even started enjoying it and wanting to participate.

Your wife probably has a lot of scary assumptions whirling around in her brain right now, and I hope that she will give you a chance to address her fears and reassure her that you are the same person you always were. It is obvious that you love her and care very much about her feelings, so I have faith that the two of you will work things out. All is not lost; just give her time to get over the shock, and answer her questions as honestly and lovingly as you can.

Sending lots of good vibes your way....

Hugs,
Marla xx

[Bernice]

I think I probably went against every piece of advice that I was given

It's easy for us to sit here and dish out advice from the relative safety of our keyboards, while you are on the frontlines, dealing with the drama and the tension, and all the emotions.

It might not hurt to apologize for having just blurted it all out they way you did. That might help to show her that you do care about her feelings, and that you realize it was a bit too much to expect her to handle very well immediately. It might be the truth if you pointed out that you had never told anyone about this before, and you are learning by making mistakes. And, while she is nowhere near ready to be able to appreciate the fact, as hard as it is for her to deal with this surprise, it has been just as hard for you to keep it from her, no?

I wish you well.

[Clare]

[SIZE=3]Hiya Fiona.

I have read your posts and I think you have responded well so far in regard to your Wife's reactions.

Giver her time to digest matters and answer all her questions honestly in a tackful manner. Most importantly, just be your normal self that she has always known ok?

Think of it this way - the worst is over - no more hidden secrets! I'm sure this revelation will all work out in the long term, but expect some short term difficult periods.

Luv to ya Fiona.[/SIZE]

[Barb Valentine]

I'm so sorry too hear this
But I hope that the two of you can work through this
For a happy ending