I feel like a failure !

[Rachel Morley]

On Sunday, for the first time in my life, there was a point where I thought to myself "you know, maybe I'm not cut out to be a crossdresser....I suck so bad at it!" What am I talking about? Well, it's a long story, but last week Marla and I had planned an outing to go to her regular nail salon for both of us to get a manicure. I was going to be dressed en femme. It didn't happen, but only because when it came to the time for me to get all "girl-ed up" I just didn't feel like it. I know!! Not wanting to dress and go out in public as two girls with my wonderfully supportive wife? Am I crazy? It's every crossdresser’s dream, isn't it? Anyway, that was last Sunday and I did post about my "chickening out" and how this Sunday would be different.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...602#post515602

Well, Sunday came, I was feeling confident, my make up was good, my wig looked fine, I was dressed to blend in wearing a khaki skort, a pale blue blouse, and black low heeled slides. I was feeling a little bit nervous but otherwise pretty much okay, but the moment we walked through the door of the salon I just caved in! I suddenly felt like I was in the most feminine environment on earth, and I felt very self conscious. The salon is a small one, with about 5 stations. There were three women getting their nails done. As we walked in everyone stopped talking, and everyone (and I mean everyone, including the manicurists) turned to look at me.

Now, I was not ready for this at all. I expected everyone to just get on with what they were doing and maybe one or two people glance at me...maybe. No way! The first woman on my left gave me a look that said "what are you doing in here?” Well okay, she probably wasn't thinking that, but it sure felt like it to me. The second woman on my right looked me straight in the eye and had a very perplexed look on her face as if she was trying to figure me out. The third woman stared really hard at me with her eyes wide open in almost mild shock. I felt like I wasn't passing at all - not even close. Right now some of you might be thinking "so what?" or "hello, welcome to my world," but believe it or not this has never happened to me before. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I pass all the time, I'm saying I've never been in a situation were I’ve been en femme and everyone in my immediate surroundings was staring at me. I could feel myself going redder, and getting hotter.

When Marla started to explain that her "girlfriend" would like a manicure, the guy who owns the shop said that I should go to the back of the store and pick a color. Well, there was no way I was going to walk the full length of the salon with all those women staring at me. I whispered to Marla "I'm sorry, but I have to go – now." She frowned at me and then proceeded to tell the guy "You know what? I think we'll go to lunch first and come back a little later." He tried to get us to stay by saying he could seat us right away. Marla said “Thanks, but we'll come back later.” I bet they thought some very strange things about us after we left.

We went back to the car and I apologized profusely to Marla for putting her through that. So back to my original comment about me being a failure. I did want to get my nails done at a beauty salon, I do want to go out en femme and do things a woman of my age might do. I do want to sometimes live small moments of my life "as a woman." Yet when I got this fabulous opportunity, I blew it! What the hell is wrong with me?! So why am I telling you all this? Well, so many people post of successful en femme outings to encourage others, and I've had my fair share of successful stories, but I think it's important to share the failures too. I want say that I've learned that being scared and feeling vulnerable is going to sometimes happen when we go out in public. I'm still learning about being a crossdresser, in particular how going out en femme in public sometimes messes with your mind and can make you think bad things when in fact there’s nothing to worry about.

So am I still going to have my nails done? You bet I am, and I hope next time I'll be ready. Has this sort of thing happened to anyone else?

[Calliope]

Wow, that does sound like a nightmare! Whether they were staring at you ... or you were wiggin'... seems like splitting was the only option open to you. You must have been in shock. Well, you gotta bury that memory with a lovely success ... right around the corner, no doubt.

And, yeh, I been stared at. Plenty of times.

[ChristineRenee]

It takes a lot of courage to go through what you did Angel...and perhaps even a lot more to post it here. We are not infallible...and there are times when even the most femme of us feel apprehensive and not up to the task...so to speak. I think that with your track record, however, you will be bouncing back from this setback very quickly indeed. You don't strike me as the type to doubt the female within. Thanks for being willing to share this with us hon...and I know that you will certainly have plenty more successes ahead of you in the future.

[Scotty]

You got guts for doing that!

My first outing will be in a dark TS/TG friendly bar......maybe this fall......maybe.......maybe not?

[uknowhoo]

Sorry to hear about your outing Angel, you poor darling. Like you said, "failures" such a these are part of the crossdressing experience. You know who you are, and have a wonderful wife by your side. I consider you very successful, whatever minor failures notwithstanding. Tammi

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Angel -

i completely get what you went you through and i all i can say about it is that i understand it...."passing" is a funny word for something that means different things to all of us...ON THE INSIDE, we are all kind of passing

depending on how we look and how we view dressing, and what are circumstances are, it may be that going out is an important part of how we want to "pass"....

i cant tell you how many times i almost dressed, and possibly my most wonderful day of dressing was very recently and it was completely spontaneous...although i shopped for more than hour and actually went to the pool!!! lol....i had a great experience and left long posts about it but there is no guarantee it will happen like that again, i dont post about the times i get all dressed, walk up to the mall, see a guy smoking a cigarette at the door and turn around and go home...happens alot for me

and somebody looking at me bug eyed(and its happened to me more than once too) really kind of ruins it for me.. thats just me...and it seems maybe you werent feeling fully confident on the inside and your initial experience in the salon, the adreniline, the stares you THOUGHT you got were all too much

take care - i have been there many times

you are certainly not failing at anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Charleen]

Wow girl! Had to be tough, but you know what? You survived, and lived to dress another day! We all have many types of failures in life, and if we didn't, how we know success? Love and xxxx, Lily

[Renee D]

Hey Angel,
I can certainly understand how you felt when you went to the salon. I am so sorry you had such a bad experience trying to do something that (in my opinion) is one of the most thrilling things (having your nails done at a salon). I have had my nails done about 5 or 6 times at a salon. I have never gone in femme to have my nails done, always in drab. Sure I get some looks at first but after I start talking to the nail tech and other girls in the salon they almost forget that I am a guy. I usually get arcyrlics with an american manicure and or soft white french. I actually like the attention I get when I have my nails done...but that's just me.

I think they sense that I like the attention and they just go about things as normal. I think you look very attractive and definetly can pass, so it might just be in your head.

Having your nails done is so exhilarating and fun...I hope this does not discourage you from trying it again. Go for it....

Take Care...
Renee D

[windycissy]

Oh Angel, I feel so badly for you! How fortunate you were that Marla handled the situation with such class and dignity. But let's get real: you are NOT a chicken! The very fact that you had the courage to walk into a nail salon is proof of that. I would never even dream of going to a nail salon, I try to avoid situations where I will be pinned down in case I'm read, and I can't imagine a more vulnerable position than a manicurist's chair. My guess is that you overreacted to a cockeyed glance and things just cascaded in your mind....regardless, you showed true courage even to go there. Know this: I have met you and seen the way you look and act when you're dressed, and you are drop-dead passable as a woman. Chin up!

[Holly]

Angel, don't be so hard on yourself! The first time I got my nails done, I choked as well. It will happen! (Maybe we can go together next month when your down here in my neck of the woods ).

[Phoebe Reece]

Angel,

No way are you a failure. Already you have had way more adventures out enfemme than a substantial percentage of the members of this forum. You got pretty far into this one before giving in to your fear. Be proud of how far you got, not discouraged by what you felt you couldn't do.

I think your main problem is that you still are hung up on the idea that you have to "pass". When you are out and think you are not passing, that is raising your anxiety level way up.

If you go out with the expectation that you will not "pass" and that you will be recognized by many if not most of those that you encounter for what you are, you will not be nearly as disappointed at people's reactions. I always go out expecting people to read me as a crossdresser and am genuinely amused by the number of people that don't seem to catch on. If someone stares, I give them a smile and perhaps a hello. That either gets a smile back or causes them to turn away.

Be proud of who you are. Your lovely wife certainly seems to be proud to be seen with you.

[Di]

Angel, there is no way you are a failure...hold your head up high.....you both handled it with alot of class...and I applaud you for posting about it. So sorry you felt this way...hurt my heart reading about how you felt.

[Olivia]

[SIZE="4"]Angel, please don't beat yourself up. You are surely not a failure! You have accomplished so much and have been such an inspiration to so many of us here. The courage it would take for me to walk through that salon door? Well, maybe I'll find it someday. No way anyone could fault you for wanting to leave. Marla has no doubt already told you all that we're saying here, and you know how important that is. Keep going out, keep taking those steps; you will transcend your anxieties and fears. Olivia[/SIZE]

[tekla west]

The failure was not with you, it was in the heads of those other people. The only advice I could give is "if you are the show, give them the show of their life." However, that is just me.



"I want say that I've learned that being scared and feeling vulnerable is going to sometimes happen when we go out in public."

CONGRATULATIONS GIRL! You just learned more about being a girl then all the panties and bras and makeovers could ever teach you. The fear and vulnerability is part of parcel of girls lives. Ask any woman.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Oh Angel, you're not a failure. Getting read can be unpleasant. But as Tekla said, the problem was in the heads of the other people -- assuming they were indeed thinking negative thoughts. As my Pilates instructor once told me, she used to stare at crossdressers because she was so impressed by their presentation skills.

I know going out has been scary for you, so I know it took a lot of courage just to get to the door.

But look at it this way. The sky didn't fall in, the world didn't come to an end, and owner still wanted your business. I'm not saying that getting stared at is fun, but just that you encountered your worse fear and survived it.

[Michelle Hart]

I went out to dinner with two yes to GG's and got noticed by a group sitting next to us.

The rude and snide comments ensued and I just sat there and ignored them. Sometimes the best thing is to just push forward. that's all I do.

Was I scared no, nervous they might make an issue out of it sure. If they had I would have just left and gone someplace else. No harm no foul.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Angel,

Please stop thinking of yourself as a failure. Going out and into the salon was more than many ever accomplish.

So what went wrong? Why did you bolt? You were with your wife, I know SHE would not let you go out anywhere if you did not look good. Maybe you forgot that you looked good. Remember that your wife loves you and will protect you from looking foolish. If she says you can go to the salon then you must believe her. I know I always value a last minute opinion from my wife. "Do I look OK, honey?" I KNOW she wont let me go out if I don't. I am sure your wife is the same.

So lets ask again, what went wrong?

I think you forgot that you will be "read". There is just NO way that most of us can avoid being read at some time or other. But if you look good, act in a dignified and presentable manner, carry yourself with confidence and poise, it doesn't matter if you are read, because people will respect you for what you are, a dignified, poised, confident, person. Period. That's the key here. How do you feel about yourself. A smile and a friendly "hello" at all those people would have defused that situation in a heartbeat. And then they would have gotten a bit more education about diversity.

Now, you look good. No doubt about it. Can you pass 100%?? Probably not. But you see, that doen't matter. What you want to do is pass as a well dressed, confident, dignified, poised, person presenting as a female. That you do, and you do it well. How do I know? I know because your wife would not be going out with you otherwise. Ask her. Do you think for a minute that she would want to expose you to redicule? NO, of course not. So, you MUST be perfectly presentable. That's the thought to remember here, IMHO. A confident smile goes a LONG, LONG way in any social situation. In this situation it would have been your biggest and best defence.

Go back and do it again. Go back in drab and introduce yourself to the salon manager. Tell him or her when you are comming back dressed. A welcome from him or her when you arrive will help you feel more at home. If you are able to walk in and greet the manager by name you will feel a lot more confident.

You can do this, I know. You are not a failure.

Lovies,
Stephenie

Dear Angel,

I just read the previous posts and saw that Phoebe says exactly what I was trying to say. Probably better than I did. So read her post also.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[sterling12]

Hi Angel:

Right now, you are certainly not a failure. If you let this small setback "get to you", and if you fail to ever go out again, or let this episode set you way back.....then, failure is on the horizon!

I'll make a comparison to The Game of Golf. Progress is made in small degrees, each time you "play". So, focus on the positive aspects: "OK, today I got over this hurdle or I got a little bit better at this task". I think the small victories add up and you start to see real progress.

I don't know if your in a group or not, but all of these things get easier when you are doing them with your CD Sista's! Saturday night I was out after the meeting with friends from my group and we had a really nice chat with some young people from Jamaica who were staying at our hotel. It was a strange, new, scary, feeling to declare myself a "CD and proud of it", in front of strangers but it was exhilarating at the same time. I consider that to be one of those "small victories". When you walk in to that salon and get your nails done, that will be another.

Life is full of bad things. I believe in Yin and Yang. For each bad thing there is a counter balancing good thing. You just have to figure out what the good thing is and focus on it!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Khriss]

..I do'nt get the "failure" part ??..Between You and Marla ..I kinda got lost (enviouse?) ,in all the successes ! ? truth being...I learn more from negative outcomes than times of smooth sailing ??
I feel more connected to You and Your circumstances than before perhaps... (HangInThere!) yer Sis xx "K"

[christine55]

For the last few weeks it just seems like I can't seem to get my look right. I may just be getting older but I think that I have been doing something subtly different. I have also become more aware of my very thin narrow face. I look fine when I have a bit smile, but you cant wear a s**t eating grin when out and about. I woman has fuller cheeks than a male and mine are very not full. I have become aware of this and have been hesitant to go out. I try fluffing out the sides of my wig and using a little more blush, seems to help a bit.
I definately feel like a failure at times. Not a pretty girl, not a successful man. Get depressed alot. Kind of get paralyzed, don't do anything because of a beleif it wont do any good.
Hopefully coming to realize this can lead to positive change. When you take action you're not always successful but if you keep making the effort good things do happen. As I've said before if you don't have problems then something is really wrong.
Hugs, Christine

[kittypw GG]

Angel,
This very thing happened to me the other day. My step-daughter and I went into a new shop to browse. The moment we stepped in the door the three people at the desk to the far right of the room stared at us so intensely that I nervously said "are you open for business?". They ignored me and turned around and back to their business. My daughter and I shared a nervous laugh, browsed breifly and left. When we got back in the car we talked about how weird the expirence was and how akward we felt.
Just wanted you to know that strange feelings and awkward situations happen regardless of your presentation to the public at large. Try to shake it off and try again. Kitty

[swiss_susan]

Angel,

Everything in life has its ups and downs.

On the whole you seem to be doing pretty well and I am sure you will get your nails done pretty soon.



Susan

[cindianna_jones]

Angel,

I can't tell you how many times this happened to me. I was run out of restrooms, chased by kids at the mall, and approached by a couple of scary guys in a parking lot late at night.

There's a lot more to passing than just looking good. You have to practice being a woman. And unfortunately, that means going out and gaining some confidence. It's all about confidence in most cases. I have a friend who has a resounding bass voice. But she's confident, she has a feminine figure, and totally gets away with it.

So cheer up Angel. Now tell yourself honestly.... it was a rush to go into the beauty salon right? Remember the moment as you entered.. before everyone looked at you. There's a nice bit of adreniline there. It's better than any feeling I ever had in any other form.

Cindi

[Lisa Golightly]

I suddenly felt like I was in the most feminine environment on earth, and I felt very self conscious.

I have to attend the mobile breast screening units... I always felt this very intrusive... funny really when you consider the screening vs death dynamic. I've had my times when I've been boyish and have been stared at, and they always call me Mr, because I am, but hey those are the breaks.

My attitude has always been I have, hopefully, a mere 70 year life span... I'm damned if I'm going to be dictated to by a bunch of drones who thought having kids, a mortgage, and bitching about their partner behind their back was the be all and end all of life.

So you froze... you still did it... you were there... You were you and that my angel is more than many can say of their whole lives.

[Joy Carter]

I think a lot of people do the kinds of things without really thinking about what they are doing. I mean you don't see a guy in a dress every day do you. But buck up there you would have been accepted by the staff I'm sure just by the way the owner treated you, your money is just green as the others. I know big talk from Joy she has never been past the threshold. But ya know I will get there I will enjoy being me. You are so lucky to have a supportive spouse in Marla. I'd go back to the salon and have your nails done be brave show at least the staff that you are who you are. I think once the shock is over for them as well as you it will be an experience everyone will remember. I say it will be another positive step in the right direction and will make us more acceptable to a few more people. Several GG's here have told me the same so I pass this wisdom on to you. "A long journey starts with the first step" or something like that. Good luck Angel !