How do I tell him that I know his secret?

[nancy58]

Lizbeth,

I was first going to jokingly say you should pull the freaking-out "who is this other woman whose shoes I found" routine, but I think you have an in to the topic. You owe the man an apology for snooping into the history of his web browser. It's not the worst offense, but if you snooped, you snooped. So maybe you should begin by apologizing and then ask him "what is this all about?"

If the CDing doesn't make a difference to you, be sure you let him know that. Most of us who have a significant other are/were terrified of losing her. The others deeply want a wife/girlfriend who understands them. The reassurance from my wife that she loves me and will keep me, lingerie and all, means the world to me. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Problems that are ignored or minimized before marriage do not go away once the marriage begins. Even if you end up calling off the wedding the day beforehand and sending back all the presents, it's better to explore all the issues you can now, while both of you can go your separate ways if need be. I've heard that half of marriages fail. You can improve the odds that yours lasts your lifetime by dealing with the issues beforehand.

[Deanna2]

Hey Renee, I don't know what star sign you are, but it must be the hardnosed one. You are right though, fantasy (or any other) situations don't just happen. Positive relationships don't happen without effort. People have to work hard at them for them to work out to mutual advantage. Sh** happens, but good luck has to be carefully planned and managed.

What is required here is subtly - not a question out of the blue like 'Do you want to tell me all about your secret desire to wear femme shoes' and 'do you have more diverse desires to dress in femme gear and do makeup as well?' The guy probably has a long held secret that he isn't go let it all hang out on a nanosecond's notice.

My earlier suggestion was not fantasy, flight of fancy or sociological experiment. I've seen it happen and with positive outcome.

But hey, anyone can offer advice, but Lizbeth has to make the decision of how to handle her relationship.

[susiej]

Chicas,

I don't fear my SO learning my dark little secret, per se. The thing I fear most is her going negatively berserk about it. "What are you, some kind of queer? You're disgusting, I hate you! Eeeewwwww, you wear girls' underwear sometimes? That's sooo gross! Oh, and by the way, why didn't you trust me with this for twenty-something years? Don't you trust me???"

Heaven, for me, would be for that same SO to simply say to me one night, maybe over a nice bottle of wine, "darling, by any chance would you like to explore your feminine side? Wear my clothes? Make love as a woman with me? Because, if you do, that would be OK with me, and I'd still love you like I always have. I just want you to be happy with what you are, whatever it is.".

The very thought brings tears to my eyes, even now. How wonderfully it would change my life, if she would just be accepting, even though I have no reason to expect it, and reach out to me about it. I am stuck, because I have no reason to expect she will understand. But if she understands, she is not stuck, because she knows the truth of both of us.

Lizbeth, in my humble opinion, the opportunity you have before you is priceless. You are in control, because he has no reason to expect you will be accepting. If you are, you owe it to yourselves to simply tell him. Why would he "freak out" about it? You're giving him the crown jewels, the Mona Lisa, and the right to a core identity, all at the same time.

Hugs,
Susie

[Calliope]

'I know **** about you - and since I learned that from snooping, now you know my secret, too.'

[tekla west]

nicely done DT

[Frances1]

I think the snooping could be an issue. But I think your answer is you "tripped" over his shoe collection and you wondered. I think the best approach is one that has already been suggested. Take him shopping in a general store (Target or Kmart in Australia) and while you are browsing in the girls area (with him) ask his views and work around to suggesting something pretty for him - Skirt, this would look nice on you. "You would look good as a girl in this". Bra, his size?, shoes, his size?, knickers, his size?, etc. Be prepared to respond to "How do you know". But you "I love you still", "I'm rather turned on by it"

I think you have to take a risk that he may react badly. But better now than after the wedding.

Frances

[Lisa Golightly]

You ought to know by now how he likes to be introduced to new concepts... It's a 'couples' thing. You need to approach this the same way as any other 'eeek!' moment.

[cindianna_jones]

I know that most of you girls (especially those with clueless or unaccepting SOs) will tell me how happy you would be if you had me, but how would you want your wife/gf to approach you? And GG's what advice do you have for me?

Thanks in advance!

-lizbeth

Liz,

Here is what I'd do. Buy him a nice pair and give them to him at his home in private. When he opens the box, tell him you love him and want to share in the fun. You can sort out all the details later. Believe me, he'll love you for it.

Cindianna Jones

[Amy H.]

Take him out to a nice dinner and someplace midway through simply and gently tell him "I know about the crossdressing and I want to tell you that it's OK with me and I don't want you to feel bad about it." Someplace in his response he'll ask you how you found out. Again, simply and gently telling him that you inadvertently stumbled across the evidence while intending to do something completely different would be a good answer. Gentleness, caring and sensitivity will make all the difference in your conversation......and you DO NEED to have this conversation.

[Stlalice]

Lizbeth,
I know a lot of those who have posted here have in effect given their view of how they would like an SO to approach them about the whole CD/TV/TS thing - but the advice I gave to go slow is still valid. Why? Because from the sound of your initial post your boyfriend is dealing with denial issues and pushing him on this could well have the effect of sending him even deeper into denial. For him the gift of time to work out his feelings and possibly a blind eye on your part as to some of his activities may be best. In general I recomend that a relationship be open - based on trust on both sides - with no secrets but there are times when one party needs to work out issues before they can talk about them. This may well be one of those times. Good luck and hang in there.

[Sandra]

Talk to him about it sooner rather than later if it is left it could cause a lot of hurt and problems. Be honest about how you found out and how you feel about it.

[Di]

Just be honest...having secrets is what destroys a relationship....get it all out in the open.

[Jillian]

I agree with many of the girls here. You have to discuss it right now. Make the discussion a comfortable one. Make it an accepting one. I totally agree with the idea of buying a pair of shoes as a gift to start the conversation. There is no telling where this might lead, but I bet I could hazard a guess or two! Best of luck on this. He is very lucky to have an understanding SO....

Love........ Jillian

[TVStevie]

Makes a great case for a little computer security now and again.

Also makes a case for someone wanting to get discovered, be it subconsciously or consciously. If I didn't want to get found out for anything, I'd make damn sure that there wasn't a way to be found out.

To the OP: You're going to have to bite the bullet, tell him what happened and then reassure him that it won't be a big deal (presuming that it isn't, for you've posted here instead of running for the hills!).

Expect it to be a bit bumpy, but I wish you the best of luck.

[MelissaAndProudOfIt]

Here's a suggestion you could always hire the film "Billy elliot" one evening... check out billy elliot on the net... it covers a bit of crossdressing in it, a young lad crossdresses in it.... always a suptle ice-breaker and maybe passing a supportive comment about the scene but be positive too and above all be accomodating and cheerful about it lol, as coming out to anyone about being a crossdresser is probably one of the hardest things a guy can ever do.. especially to a loved one....

failing that buy him a gift and box it and leave it on the bed for when he gets home.... a nice skirt or dress maybe, he will feel calmer after a while... as how many would buy an item if they didn't like him doing it.... logic will dawn on him and I feel sure he will come round..... hope this was of help....

[Robin Leigh]

I suggest just confessing about stumbling across the internet shoe shopping stuff first. Once you've started dealing with that, you'll have a better idea about how & when to tell him about discovering the duffel bag full of shoes.

Don't mention the fact that you know he's been looking at those TG/TS pics for a while yet. You need to know where he's at with the whole crossdressing thing before you can put those pictures into the right context. It may just be harmless voyeurism, he might be thinking "Are these my kind of people", or he might want to have an affair with a TG.

It's not uncommon for very secretive CDers to freak out when they are discovered, even by a sympathetic loved one: we get so used to hiding we get a bit disoriented by the change. We may deny things outright, or distort the truth into what we think might be more acceptable. A strongly closeted CDer (or shoe fetishist) may also have bottled-up shame, guilt & self-loathing to deal with. Without meaning to, he may inflict some of that on to the very one who's trying to help him. I'm not trying to excuse or justify such immature behaviour, I'm simply trying to warn you that it does happen.

[Brie]

I know I would be so relieved, if my wife told me she knew about my "little secret" and was okay with it. For now I'll just stay in the closet.....

[Kandi]

You will make him the happiest man in the world even If he doesn't know it at the time.

[lizbeth GG]

I appreciate all the responses (wow, I sure got a lot of them!). I especially appreciate the ones who give me different ways to approach talking about it. As for others, I know for many of you you would love it if your SO gave you a skirt to wear or told you that you would look good in a particular piece of clothing.

For me, that is not really an option. Yes, I may be able to say "I bought these shoes because I thought you would like them," but I could not say "It would really make me happy if you wore this [item of clothing]" because that would not be truthful.

I am accepting of this (whatever it is exactly), but I am honestly not mentally ready to see him in anything beyond the shoes if he is in fact interested of wearing anything beyond women's shoes.

I did get some unexpected outside comfort last night. I was hanging out with a girlfriend and she asked if I was planning on inviting a particular guy to the wedding. He is gay, and a friend of mine, but I don't know him all that well.

He doesn't know about the wedding yet, but my friend told me that he will cry when he finds out we are getting married. He apparently told her that his ideal man is a gay version of my guy. I guess that's better than saying my guy should marry him instead of me!

Anyway, I'm sure I will have to take some serious steps soon. I will keep you posted.

[Jennifer in CO]

how 'bout a simple but nice cami/panty set but not much (if any) lace with a matching set of mules or slings? I'll admit that about a week earlier I had told my then girlfriend (now wife of almost 29 years) about my "desires" and this was what she gave me the next time we were together. I'm pretty sure it ment she was accepting....

Jenn

[Atlanta Peach GG]

Lizbeth..............

he is going to be breathing a HUGE HUGE sigh of relief that you are accepting of his little "hobby"..........

Get with it girl, just sit down, tell him you know, and that you are "ok" with it..........

It will only pull you both closer, and he will feel like he has NO need to hide anything anymore...........

----Keely

[jozee]

Buy Him A Pair Of Sexy Shoes As A Present

[CharlaineCadence]

This is one of thouse thread that I wish so much I could help but. I am woundering so many things. I would wait befor doing anything and watch how he reacts. Look at the shoes he has and then see the styles you like. buy a pair for yourself and where them one night while your in a nighty before you make love. ask him if he would rather you leave them on or take them off. also if you open minded go to a xxx store and ask if they have and decent couples movies non hard core or hard core if thats what your into that have a slight shoe and foot theam. watch it togeather and see how he reacts. Talk about the movie after what he like and did not like. what you liked and did not like. I find that the communtication like this helps alot in relationships. or if a movie is to much then mayne leg show magizean or a foot/shoe mag from the store get a few different types and mix them in. research different fetishes togeather and sit and discuss them one by one starting with something that you really like yourself. tell him your fanticies and ask him his. them work togeather to comprimise to work them both into your relationship in a manor that is both loving and respectful of each other.

hope this helps kisses
char

[tv_rachael]

i suggest saying

"I have a sexual fantasy about a guy dressed up all gurly"

you will be married a week later !!

[kathy gg]

STOP the press!

Although I completely agree with getting what ever this is out in the open.....I think sometimes when we talk in person emotions get in the way. You said in your last post that you were not ready to see him this way or although believed you might be accepting, it was still giong to be difficult, if this is what we are all assuming it means....

Okay....so rather than talking and then blurting out "but I dont' want to see you wear these"...which might make him revert back into a guilt/shame cycle....

write him a letter. Write down what you found, how you found it {be honest}, aplogize for being a snoop {btu dont' worry, you aren't the first gf or wife to do this....}, and that you would like to at least start a dialog either in letter form on in person with him about this topic.

He might just be into shoes...he might be curious about the whole tg thing, it might be really minor or deeper.....but what ever it is, chances are he is pretty uncomfortable, or you would already have heard.

This also might be a good time to start thinking about your stance on what this all is. In other words...many gg's and couples who have solid relationships with our cd guys have boundaries or at least a pretty good idea of what parts of this stuff we can and cannot handle. Once you work past this initial start of talking and opening the lines of communication.....you need to start outlining how much or how little you are up for. he may not know where *he* is in this stuff...but by being honest and saying how you feel at least gives him a clear picture of where YOU stand.

There is nothing worse than going into a relationship with a crossdresser and not having information about the what if's that *might* be on the horizon. To choose not to fully educate yourself and then find out things are not what they appear ten years from now...well you would only have yourself to blame.