How do I tell him that I know his secret?

[lizbeth GG]

Hi everyone. My fiance likes to wear women's shoes and may have an interest in crossdressing (I only have confirmation on his shoe collection). The problem is he has no idea that I know.

I don't currently live with him but do spend most nights at his place. That still gives him free time to do his thing (wearing shoes, shopping for shoes online, and checking out TV websites), but soon I will be moving in and he's not going to have as much secret time, especially since I am done with work several hours before he gets home in the evenings.

I've known about the shoe thing since February of this year, and have discovered the TV/TG websites in the past couple of months. I just don't know how to approach it without him freaking out.

Part of me wants to let him know now what I know--including how I found out--and that I am accepting of it (at least of what I know/think I know right now). Part of me thinks I should wait until after the wedding to tell him how long I have had my suspicions so I can prove that it doesn't bother me.

The hints just aren't working on my part. I think they're just making him more uncomfortable.

I just don't want to spend the rest of our lives together with him stressing that I'd leave him if I knew.

I know that most of you girls (especially those with clueless or unaccepting SOs) will tell me how happy you would be if you had me, but how would you want your wife/gf to approach you? And GG's what advice do you have for me?

Thanks in advance!

-lizbeth

[tekla west]

To the degree that you can work that stuff out BEFORE the wedding, the time after the blessed event will be better.

[swiss_susan]

Just sit down with him and talk to him about it and let him know you love him. Do away with the hints, just be open and honest about it. You never did say how you found out.

What more could he ask.

Susan

[Ellaine]

Lizbeth... Are you sure that he is not a shoe or foot fetishist?

Either way TV or Footman, I would think it best dealt with, just be sure as you can which his secret is.
A "Total Honesty" five minutes is perfectly reasonable for two lovers taking the leap.
A suitable gift (perfume) might be added reassurance.
Be prepared for his guilt to come rushing out!

I sincereley hope you have a wonderful marriage. Good Luck both.


I misunderstood you comment Tekla, my appologies.

[Breanne]

You never did say how you found out.

Prtecisely my thoughts. Might there be more of an issue as to how you found out rather than what you found out?

[lizbeth GG]

How I found out: I was using his computer like I often do.

I typed an address into the address box and a women's shoe-related site popped up. My curiosity got the best of me and I went into his history folder. Lots of views of size 11 shoes on ebay and other sites. This wasn't enough to confirm anything, but later I found evidence that he had ordered some, and a little while that in a bit of drunken bravery I peeked in a small duffel bag while he was downstairs: it was full of shoes.

I wish I had just talked to him about finding the stuff online and asked him then, because it is only in the past few months that I saw the TV/TG websites he has been checking out. He doesn't appear to be shopping for clothing other than shoes though.

I hate that I did this snooping, because when I do tell him I will obviously have to admit to this. That doesn't make it any easier!

[lizbeth GG]

Lizbeth... Are you sure that he is not a shoe or foot fetishist?

As you'll notice in that last post, that was my original thought, but now that he's spending so much time looking at TG/TVs. pure curiosity? Maybe. I just want to be prepared if it does develop into more than just a shoe thing.

[Catherine in Colo]

Hi Lizbeth,

First, I would completely agree with Tekla, I would definitely try to get this out into the open before your wedding. Just as any crossdresser should "come out" to his SO prior to a weddiing, so should you address this prior to yours. Chances are, if he assumes you don't know, he is probably struggling with if and how to address this issue with you already, so not only will this help you know where he stands, it will relieve what is possibly a great deal of stress and guilt on his part.

As for how to bring it up, it's very likely that he is getting your signals, but is either afraid that he is misunderstanding them, or is just too afraid of your response once your suspicions are confirmed. While every couple is different, and there is never a perfect time to bring issues like this up, I would just suggest that you have this talk at the same type of time that you have any other serious relationship talk, preferably though, in private though, since it's a sensitive topic.

Just be prepared for any response from him, from total denial, to a total breakdown. Once he truly understands how much you obviously care for him, and how this doesn't change how you feel about him, he'll probably open up in a way you could have never imagined. I wish you the best of luck!

Renee

[susandrea]

If you plan on living together, you should be able to talk about ANYTHING!!!!

[Nyx]

Be open and talk about it. Keeping secrets is not good for building a solid relationship. Just find a calm moment, sit with him to talk, and tell him you know, and that you don't judge him for it. Get to know more... Let him go at his own pace and make sure he knows you love him and will keep on loving him.

But don't keep this secret and expect things to magically unfold

It's important for both of you. For him, it's important to know that this is not some "dirty shame" that should be kept hidden". For you, it's important to know what's going on, to be able to trust him, if you intend on sharing his life. It's also important to progressively set your comfort ground. You may not be willing to let him take this into a very active crossdressing hobby... This may not be comfortable for you.

And yes, he may indeed just be a fetichist. That wouldn't make him less of a person, however... I mean... Who knows, he might just love to see you wearing sexy shoes from time to time, wouldn't be such a terrible thing

[Joy Carter]

One good thing Liz you not going into this in denial. But I have problems with the snooping. I did it once and I got hurt not knowing the real reasons for what I had found. So it comes down to trust in my book, but you now have opened the magic lamp and the genie is out it's time to talk.

[Holly]

Hi Lizbeth... well how would you like to be approached if someone found out a secret about you? I agree that you need to tell him you know and and the sooner, the better. If it were me, instead of accusing him of doing this, I would ask him to help you understand why he is doing it. It would be nice if you could confirm if he is a shoe fetishist or a CD/TG, but it's really not all that important. The important thing is that if the two of you are planning on spending the rest of your lives together, then you BOTH need to have the freedom to approach each other on any issue.

[tekla west]

Makes a great case for a little computer security now and again.

[Barbara G]

If you can determine his sho preferences and the contents of his "collection" from the information you have, you might indicate your acceptance by buying him an nice pair of size 11's that do not duplicate what he has already.

Then you can find a reason to present them to him as a gift and a note something to the effect of "I'd like to see you in these".

I con't see why it would freak him out if you indicate acceptance this way. Who knows, it may lead to bigger and better things.

[Stlalice]

Lizbeth,
In some ways I'll run counter to some who have posted here and say that it might be best to be very patient indeed and allow your boyfriend the time to work out in his/her own mind just what it is that he needs to be. Due to the amount of social conditioning that most of us get as we grow up there is a HUGE shame factor that a CD/TV/TS needs to work past before he/she can accept themselves as what they are - and until they "come out" to and accept themselves they cannot be open to others - even at the cost of losing someone that they love. It may take a form of being "blind" to or ignoring some things that you think should be shared. One of the traps we as trans folk get into is the feeling that if we love someone enough, get married, have a family that we will "be cured" - but it is an illusion. It may take a long time - I was 45+ before I finally worked things out and accepted that I really was a woman despite what my body proclaimed. There is no easy solution - no "quick cure" - there will also be a lot of pain along the way - for both of you - but if you truly love this individual then it may be that you can have a relationship with someone who really does truly love you - even if temporarily they feel that they need to hide some aspect of their inner being. Guess I've rambled on enough here - feel free to contact me via PM if you wish - I'll try to answer questions and point you to resources as you go.

Peace and Blessings,

[Deanna2]

I'd say forget the "having a talk' about things and 'dropping hints'. Don't make an issue of it.

Do something practical. Next time you go shopping for clothes for yourself take him with you. Wander around the racks and get his reaction. Most guys would run a mile than be seen in lady's department of any store. If he's OK wandering around with you, it's either love or fascination (probably both). One of the best tests you can try is to get him to hold your handbag while you go through various items. Again, most guys will run a mile rather than hold a women's handbag. There are other things you can do too, but try the simple things first.

[Catherine in Colo]

Deanna,

With all due respect, I couldn't disagree more. This isn't a game, this isn't about seeing what he will do or won't do. This is about an adult relationship, and everything it entails.

I understand that this forum is a place of support, but I also see that it often becomes an ivory tower that gives a false sense of security when it comes to our fantasies. As tg folk of all sort, we each dream of and hope for acceptance from our SOs, and it takes many forms.

For some, it may be a matter of being surprised by a pair of heels by our wife, or it could be our girlfriend asking us to hold her purse while shopping. But in the real world, whether a man likes shopping with his wife or holding her purse has little to do with the secrets that he may or may not be comfortable sharing.

Lizbeth, to "test" your man in the way that has been suggested will be no more productive than throwing out the random hints that you have already tried. It will only confuse him and frustrate him.

Yes, in our fantasy world, our SO will surprise us with a gift of heels, or a dress, or skirt, or whatever we wish that signals her acceptance and embracing of this side of ourselves. But in the REAL world, such an act, if presented to someone who is in the closet or otherwise totally afraid of opening up to this side of themselves, is not likely to lead to a storybook scene, but one of discomfort and stress. Just as most gg partners don't go from 0 too 100% acceptance in 5 seconds, nor will a cd who has been in the closet go from hiding it to 100% openness in the same amount of time. It is a process of trust and opening up.

Don't play games, just be real...

Renee

[Tina Dixon]

Please if you know and you don't have a problem tell him, put him at ease with this and not on a spot, I was put on a spot and it did not feel right even though she never said don't do it again.

[Jodi]

I would discuss it now. He might be debating as to whether to purge or not (that is throw everything out). That would be such a waste for him to pitch all that he has and then find out you are supportive. He would not be the first one to purge everything in prep for his fiance moving in.

Jodi

[tekla west]

Relationships founded on secrets are castles made of sand.

[HaleyPink2000]

Be honest and open from the jump in your relationship. No secrets ever! He's got to agree to do the same!!!

Oh, and if you move in with him, and don't do this ahead of time, your nuts! Sorry, my 2 cents!

Tekla, I like the remark about castles mad of sand.

[Dragster]

Lizbeth, if I were in your SO's position, I'd love it if you cuddled up to me and whispered in my ear, "Do you know what I'd like, I'd like to make love to you while you're wearing your high heels, right now!" I've seen in another thread that you could handle this, though not making love when he's fully en-femme. If he starts to protest, then use your best seduction technique to say that you don't want to talk about it now, you want him first, in his heels and nothing else, then he can tell you all about it later, because you really want do to know him better. If he's concerned that you might have been snooping, you could first suggest that if he wanted to keep it a secret, then he shouldn't be so careless about what he leaves on his computer for you (or anyone else!) to stumble across. And in any case, you'd hope that he was going to tell you all about himself before he married you, and maybe he was waiting for the right moment to break the ice, so you decided to break it for him. Then you can get assurance of 100% honesty and get into a real heart to heart. You obviously love him tremendously, so make sure he knows that's why you want to know everything about him. From there, it should be easy for him to open up to you. I only wish that had happened to me 40 years ago!

Good luck,
Tony

[Catherine in Colo]

My Lord people! This is not a story on Fictionmania, and this is not about what you would have LOVED to have happen to you! This is about what happens between two adults in a serious relationship! Transfering your fantasies onto someone else doesn't help them, it just helps you fantasize.

I may be totally off base here, but if we each look honestly into ourselves, how many would really expect to have a fantasy situation go exactly as we'd like? If you were completely in the closet, deathly afraid to tell your SO about yourself, and afraid how she'd react, and you were in bed with her, and out of the blue, she asked you to wear a pair of heels, would you really just hop up and put them on? Or would you be kind of freaked out, trying to figure out what was happening, how she felt, etc...

I hate too be harsh, but I'm tired of reading about girls who, in an honest attempt to help someone else, simply recount what their fantasies are or how they would like things to have gone with their SOs. No one, not even Lizbeth, knows how her man will respond to her letting him know that she knows, so why place additional pressure on her by expecting some amazing emotional or sexual event? The truth is that opening up and acceptance is not something that happens overnight, and to expect otherwise is to feed into the fantasies that so often invade our realities.

Renee

[Stephenie S]

Yeah, what Tekla said!

[Debbie GG]

Lizbeth,

I agree with several others that it is important to have an open and honest relationship. Hiding something from your SO just adds to whatever stress you may be under. With your attitude about CDing, I suspect the snooping will be a bigger issue than the CDing. Does he know you use his computer? If so, it may be that he was hoping you would find the websites and bring it up. Then again he may just not have thought about that happening. It's hard to say from here.

The one thing I am certain of is that you will have a stronger more stable marriage if you don't keep secrets.

My guess is that he is afraid of your reaction to his secret and will be relieved to know you are accepting.

Good luck.

Debbie GG