Therapy/counseling and benefits?

[steffie39]

Hi girls,

To start off, I know I am very fortunate and do not have problems or issues like some of the other girls on the forum. In fact I know they are small but I'd still like some advice anyway. Look at it as me being in line for advice but I realize I am in the back of the line and other girls are in the front. I know some here would wish they had my problems (in a sense) and I will not dispute that as I've been lucky to have a tolerant wife and to go out as much as I have.

As I've said in some of my older posts, my wife is pretty much accepting but still runs hot and cold sometimes. This last week, it was on the cold side again as she said there are times she feels number 2 to my CDing. I NEVER intentionally have ever put her second and there are times I have gone like 2 weeks without being Steffie. I do take her to movies and other things but when she gets like this she says that is only to "appease" her. I know that it is not the case (I go because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to) but it seems sometimes it is a no-win situation.

I guess what frustrates me is that she never brings these things up during the time I am asking her if I can go out. She always says yes and smiles. It is always later on (days later) that she blurts these things out and I guess that is what frustrates me. This has made me a bit '"gun-shy" and sometimes I wonder if I can continually endure this?

Things are OK between us now (I'm laying low for a while and not dressing as Steffie for a short while even though she says I still can). However, I guess deep down it still kind of bothers me. She knows and sees how happy I am as Steffie and I guess she thinks that means I am not happy as male when I am with her but I am happy and will always be but don't know how to prove this to her? However at the same time I would be devastated if I ever had to give up Steffie. It's just a part of me but I hope it will never lead to my downfall?

Sorry for the long summary but I was thinking can a therapist/counselor somehow help? Have any of you girls and/or your wives gone to one experienced in transgender issues? I thought I would be the last person on earth that would ever go one but am now considering it. Maybe if I understand this better (same could apply to my wife), I will feel a little bit better about my life? All I know is I've grown as Steffie the last year but still want my marriage to REMAIN strong too. There's got to be some sort of permanent compromise that can be reached where it is steady and no "hot-cold moments? I know my wife must think that if I loved her I can just give up Steffie entirely but unfortunately I don't think I can. Without her initial support (emotionally as well as showing me how to dress as a woman, etc.), Steffie would never have been born but I guess I think she regrets this now?

Anyway, sorry that this is long but I wanted to see if other girls have gone through this and still years later are OK? I'm not "jumping the gun" on my wife and want to continue to give her the benefit of the doubt but I also want to be proactive and nip issues in the bud early in my development as Steffie and not wait many years. Thanks for reading.


Steffie

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear Steffie,

Normally, I'm quite happy to say very predictable things to other t-girls about relations with their wives (baby steps, show her how much you appreciate her support, set mutually acceptable limits, etc.).

But it sounds like there's a more basic problem at work here--one that really has nothing to do with crossdressing. I think the most basic issue here is assertiveness--for both of you.

All the communication and acceptance in the world mean nothing if people don't say what they mean and mean what they say. Your wife is wise enough to know that accepting your crossdressing is the "right thing", at least as far as you are concerned. But she has other feelings too. And those feelings are not so easily expressed. She thinks they're not so acceptable to you. She doesn't want you feeling hurt or angry because of things she feels.

I would suggest that together you explore her negative feelings gently and lovingly. Let her know that such feelings are ok. She needs permission to express them, and permission to form her own values based on them. You need to hear from her (and not guess) what she feels when you want to dress as Steffie. And then, together, you two need to come up with boundary rules that make sense for the two of you. (For instance, Steffie can go out dressed at most once a month. Wife will go out with her when she feels like it, and not when she doesn't.) I can't tell you what those rules should be, of course. Every couple is different. You both have to be willing and able to live with those rules, and if you find you can't, to renegotiate them.

Would a therapist help? Might. It all depends on whether the two of you are able to do this alone, or need coaching. The fact that it's about crossdressing means that your therapist can't be one who'd freak out at the subject. But it doesn't sound like you need someone who is really specialized in transgender issues. Almost any good therapist can deal with assertive communication between couples.

Hope this helps.

Love and respect,
Rikki

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Steffie

The first question you need to answer would your wife be willing discuss you problems with a therapist
While a specialist in transgerder issues may not be essential,it would certainly be preferable as the issue is almost certainly going to be raised.

[Byllie]

My wife and I have seen a therapist, on and off, together and alone, for many years. Mostly it has been for life's issues. CDing has arisen only in the last year.

The one thing we learned was communication must always be open and free. I agree withy previous comments; you need to have a sit down, maybe over wine with candlelight, and just talk. Let each other have a chance to speak totally uninterupted; one talks and the other really listens. Then switch. Talk about what you each "hear" the other saying.

Still, it sounds as if you have a strong basis of love to start with. Good luck!