Why do I get so upset?

[sweetnsultry77]

Recently my wife and I were at our marriage counceling appt. My wife has had a problem about trust for a couple years, she mentioned to our counceler that she thought I might be sneeking out and seeing other CD's and having affairs. I blew up and spoke my mind and walked out, I made it perfectly clear I wouldnt be back for another session and was tired of being accused of screwing around! On the way home my wife said my temper and walking out made me look guilty like I was trying to hide something.
I have never cheated on my wife, to make a long story short. My wife has always been the one that wants me to go out to clubs. She had walked out of a bar one night when she thought something was going, ( a guy was trying to come on to me). I have been accused of cheating for so long that when ever it comes up I get so upset, but does it make me look guilty or do I have a reasonable gripe?

[Billijo49504]

JMHO I think you have an anger management problem, not a cheating problem. Bring it up to the counsilour, maybe they can help get you some help. Trust me, flying off the handle is no way to make a GOOD impression. Like I said it's only my opinion, but think about it...BJ

[KewTnCurvy GG]

I have been accused of cheating for so long that when ever it comes up I get so upset, but does it make me look guilty or do I have a reasonable gripe?

Without reading any of the other responses what I would say is it's less about cheating and really her feeling distant from you somehow and having a trust issue. Wherever the issue came from doesn't really matter; it's there now. I do think having an explosive reaction could infer culpability; HOWEVER, I think--without knowing her or the whole situation--she may have wanted to provoke that response. Often we get too caught up in the actual words of what someone is saying to 'hear' the meta-messages. Ask the therapist, he/she will know what I mean.
G'luck!
Sounds like a tough situation.
Kew

[kittypw GG]

Yes it does make you look guilty and immature. Makes me wonder why you can't face the question and answer. I would think that waking out is your only defense.

[julie w]

If you cant talk to each other and be reasonable with each other then the
marriage is over and its time to move on ,

[LouiseCassell]

talk it through dont walk it out.

[Sky]

My wife has had a problem about trust for a couple years

And you a have a problem about walking out of counseling sessions before talking things over, right?

No wonder your wife doesn't trust you!

[Marla S]

It's hard to judge from what you're saying, but if your wife is more jealous than healthy, than you have almost no chance. There is no argument that could convince her. This might make one feel helpless, with the respective consequences.

[Julie York]

She's using the accusation as a power trip.

Ask her how she'd feel if you accused her of stealing from people? Then when she feels that sense of indignation she might "get it".

[Stephenie S]

I agree, the problem seems to be anger management.

You go to a counselor for counselling. Storming out negates the reason for being there. Makes you look guilty too.

If you are not "sneaking out" then you need to find out why your wife feels this way and deal with that. The counselor can help you do this. That's what they do. He/she may also be able to help you with your anger management issues.

Lovies,
Steph

[Calliope]

It's been my (unhappy) experience that marriage counseling can sometimes devolve into a prolonged argument with a 'deciding' 'audience,' 'referee' or 'parent' raising the stakes.

Obviously you have an anger control problem and, almost as obvious, your wife pushes the button when it suits her to have you lose it. You guys seem caught in a gameloop, probably it's curtains.

But hey, I'm probably just projecting my stuff, eh?

[Snookums]

She's using the accusation as a power trip.

Ask her how she'd feel if you accused her of stealing from people? Then when she feels that sense of indignation she might "get it".

Good point,remember this,women have millions of faults,men have only two,everything they say,and everything they do.

[Phoebe Reece]

It sounds like you have a reasonable gripe about the accusations. However, blowing up and walking out is not the way to end the accusations.

[JenGurl]

Sounds like to me your wife has a strong level of needless paranoia.

[Glenda58]

Sounds like a anger problem. Been there done that. Find some place to manage that anger. Then go back because walking out makes you look like you are hinding something. It's hard but if you want the relationship to last you have to talk to her. And maybe a third party can see things that the two of you can't.

[CheriTV2006]

Hi, I had a similar situation when I was in counciling during the with my ex. I was also falsely accused an "innuendoed" about some other things. I felt like it was a conspiracy and imagined that the counselor was biased in her favor. I felt in a put corner and at the time felt that this was Dr. Evil. Turns out in the later evaluation (after 1-3 years) that the real focus was on her existing problems and attempts. I had really underestimated the situation beforehand. I hope you have a good councilor. I recall I may have gotten p-off also and may have walked out maybe once. My SO had some major problems. I hope yours does not.
I don't think reacting strongly is always wrong (I never bought into that cliche "If your overreacting...guilty" garbage). It's hard,we do have our moments in these scenarios. Next time, I think you should not overeact, state your end of the acusation pure and simple (without having to go out your way more than you feel you deserve to) and let the focus shift over to her and where her concerns are coming from. If the issue is cheating, and you are not cheating, then the issue is more hers. The councilor may know more than you realize at the time. Hope things go well for both of you, Take Care, Cheri.

[susiej]

Ladies,

I don't know jack about the actual situation that Sultry77 describes, but I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that she has an "anger management" problem.

I share her experience in counselling. For a couple years, I went to couples therapy with my wife, with the shrink who also saw her privately (BTW, IMHO a big mistake, but that's another subject). Every Wednesday, I felt the primary topic of conversation was how I had screwed up the previous week. I never did walk out, but I was about to when they decided, independent of me, that they weren't getting anywhere. Duh. They said I was being defensive. Damn straight!

Kissinger said, "even paranoids have enemies". It is possible that Sultry77 should have toughed it out, hung in there and made her points. But it's also possible that when she discovered the deck was stacked against her, she did the right thing, and walked.

I don't know Sultry77's SO, nor do I identify with her. Hopefully, she has her own fan club. But Sultry77, I am in your fan club. If you walked from a therapy session, I will believe it was the right thing to do, because I can *easily* identify. You should also be prepared to return, should the circumstances warrant. But, not, if they don't. I'm sure you're qualified to decide.

Hugs,
Susie

[sweetnsultry77]

It has been along battle, the lack of trust originated from her finding out about my dressing! She figures I hid that for 3yrs there must be more I'm hiding! Not like her life was an open book when I married her!!! Anyway I do get pissed rather quick since I have been going thru this for about 3 yrs since I told her. I love my wife and will stick it out for better or worse but she has tried following me tapping phone, having her friends follow me. she's even tried saying she met someone I had been meeting!!!!!!!!!!!! Didnt work cause it never happened. So ya I get a lil angry. And I'll manage it my way!
Thanks again
Carla

[deakane]

This is one of them stuck between a rock and a hard place situations. If she is accusing you of cheating and you get pissed then you look guilty. If you say nothing you look guilty. Im a laid back person, to each their own. But like alot of people I have a temper and one of the very few ways to set it off is accusing me of something that I didn't do.

I have been down this road and its no fun. If you get upset your guilty. If you don't say anything your hidding something. If you just say that your not and try to explain whatever triggered her accusing you, your lieing.

Offer to wear a chastity belt, that got me some funny looks

Anyway in the end, mine was cheating on me with my best friend.

Hope all goes well with yours, its not fun.

[AmberTG]

Yes, it occures to me that it could be possible that she's trying to cover up guilt on her part. Who knows. Those who accuse the loudest are sometimes guilty of the accusation themselves.
but then again, that could be totally wrong also.

[Billijo49504]

Maybe she just can't except your dressing, but Idon't think you should be punished for your dressing and her not excepting it...BJ

[wifeofsissy GG]

Maybe she feels like you are distant from her, which is causing trust issues. Does she accept your crossdressing? If so, do it together, you can have lots of fun. It definately made you look guilty unfortunately. Set a night with the 2 of you and tell her you will answer all of her questions WITHOUT loosing your temper. I'm sure she will have lots, but that will bring you closer. From there you are to comprimise as a couple. She may not be totally accepting to it at 1st, but she will warm up to it. It took me a while to accept it, I can only imagine how it felt like for him to scream to come out and be keeping on kicking him back into the closet. I have tremendous guilt over it. But I try to focus on the "now" instead of "than". BEst of luck.

[AngGG]

I have to say I disagree with most that it is an anger problem...If someone is being accused of something for a long period of time and it is something they just did not do, I can see getting angry. To me it looks like lack of trust is the main issue and that probably stems from some kind of insecurity. I think you should go back to counceling and try to find out what the unspoken problem is. Also maybe at home show your wife that she is the love of your life. Ya know hugs and kisses for no reason, appreciation for things she has done (ya know, "wonderful dinner tonight hun"), unsolicited back rubs are always nice :winking: and lots of talking...turn off the tv and tune in to her.


Angela

[lisa68]

Yes and no. Because it comes down to they expect you to a man and not how you truelly feel inside your heart. I get upset to in the past when my wife accused of me being gay or cause her to devorce me so I can be with some other woman. But, that dosen't mean that she might have something to hide either! Advise: You need to relax think things through and don't let her make you the bad person. Hope this helps.