Your wonderful advice requested please

[lilly lou]

Hi there gorgeous folk, I hope you don't mind my interloping but your forum seemed so friendly I thought you may be able to give me some advice.

I'm not a cross dresser but my best friend has recently confessed to being. He's in a long term relationship but has told no-one but me, and whilst I'm not bothered - if it makes him happy then I'm happy, he is horrified by himself. He loves it at the time and likes to send me pics by text and for me to suggest or advise on different outfits but the next day he's mortified and full of apology. He's always been a bit of a ladies man - very into fast cars and loud music and I know he would be mortified if anyone else knew. I've told him time after time that there really is nothing wrong with it, it's part of who is but he's totally unaccepting of himself. He's sure his girlfriend would freak out and that his friends would disown him. He lives in a small town with a close knit community and it's a secret he's kept to himself for ages.

That said - he doesn't seem to have the need all the time he likes to have a few drinks (etc) as part of the whole ritual and still insists he's not a 'real' cross dresser he likes to dress up as a girl when he's a bit wasted

Basically he's very confused and tormenting himself and any advise you can offer that I can then convey would be really appreciated.

Thanks for your time and thanks again for having such an inclusive forum.

Lilly x

[Joy Carter]

You can help by sending him flowers. Or to be more subtle just to Crossdressers.com By the way I'd flip if someone sent me flowers in particular that cute number down at the geriatric center that calls bingo. Gray hair is such a turn on. Sorry I lost my head here

[Mandy Salamander]

[SIZE="2"]well,,, of course he's a "real" crossdresser, 's there really any other kind??,,, and bringing him t' this forum would indeed be an excellent idea, 's th' best way t' discreetly commune with others similar 'n discover his/her self,,,,,, of course, i also hafta strongly suggest counseling, seeing's as i plan t' take a coupla courses t' add t' my psyche degrees so i can actually see patients,~plan t' specialize in seeing only transgendered, CD/TV/TS clients,,,[/SIZE]

[Kate Simmons]

Just tell him to relax and be himself (herself), Hon. Lot of less stress that way. Ericka Kay

[lilly lou]

Thanks ladies, for the wisdom, and yes I agree he is a 'real' cross dresser he just can't quite believe it and is always looking for plausible explanations as to why he's simply happens to have a pair of ultra realistic boobs in the cupboard, only likes to do it on certain nights of the week etc.

I think perhaps as long as he confines it to ritualistic behaviour he can keep it in a little box and not have to deal with the reasoning behind it.

Does that make any sense? I just hate that he feels so bad about something that obviously does make him so happy.

I'll get flowers xx

[Kate Simmons]

Some guys are just in denial, Hon. I know, I was fighting it for 30+ years. When I finally accepted it and made peace with it, I was a lot happier. Now I feel freer to be myself whether I choose to look like Ericka or Richard. Ericka Kay

[Robin Leigh]

Welcome, Lilly Lou! Thanks for coming here on your friend's behalf. The world needs more girls like you.

Your friend really needs to realize that crossdressing falls within the normal spectrum of sane human behaviour. But the way he's treating himself is definitely not good for his mental health.

Try to persuade him to come here & read, even if he feels uncomfortable with the idea of registering & posting messages. There are always interesting new threads, but there is a also a vast wealth of information & inspiration in the archives, too.

There are so many different combinations of the various factors that go into making someone a crossdresser, so naturaly, we're a very diverse bunch. There's truly no such thing as the "typical" crossdresser, despite the stereotypical image we tend to get from the media.

I think your friend needs to expand his own ideas of what it means to be a crossdresser, because he's clearly not comfortable with his current definition. By reading here, he will realize what a broad spectrum we cover. I believe that your friend needs to find out what's true for him, and not torture himself with what he presently believes a CD should think, do and feel. Also, by coming here, he will realize that we're relatively normal people (mostly). Sure we're different from the mainstream because of our CD interests, but that doesn't make us a bunch of weirdos.

As you may have noticed, we try to keep this place clean, safe to show someone's wife or mother. Now, we do get a few weirdos here from time to time, but it's not hard to see that they are the exception rather than the rule. They don't usually last very long.

Best wishes & for being such an angel to a CD in distress,

Robin

[Karren H]

Well, we've all been there before...dressing up then feeling guilty after because that's NOT what a guy is supposed to do!! But the key at least for me is the acceptenance of Karren as part of me that wasn't going away....ever again... Once that happened then everything changed for the better!! Well, except my purse...hehehe. Expensive maintaining two wardrobes!! I do wish him good luck..

Love Karren

[lilly lou]

Hi Ericka - denial yes totally,poor love he's never been good at accepting who he is in many ways and is one of those people you think you know until you really know them.

I wish he had your spirit, odd how masculine qualities in women are positive (in business etc)and feminine qualities in men are frowned upon. Western culture eh? We're all just people - some of whom believe the hype others who see that we're all just human.

I'm very pleased to say that I picked up my little boy from nursery the other day and he was wearing a silver glittery dress from the dressing up box - because it was the most exciting thing in there, it was swirly and sparkled and he loved it. I hope he always sees the world so simply.

Robin - what can I say - diagonally parked! LOL I'm so with you girlfriend

I think this would be a wonderful place for him to visit, and I know that he would love it, he's such a diva .... wonder how long it would take for him to get the perfect pose for his picture?

I will do my best and thanks again for all your kind words, you all look fabulous but unlike most gorgeous women I know , you all seem very lovely on the inside too. xx

[lilly lou]

Hi Karren

Very expensive - especially when he keeps throwing one wardrobe out, insisting it will never happen again ....

xx

[Sophia Rearen]

That said - he doesn't seem to have the need all the time he likes to have a few drinks (etc) as part of the whole ritual and still insists he's not a 'real' cross dresser he likes to dress up as a girl when he's a bit wasted

Basically he's very confused and tormenting himself and any advise you can offer that I can then convey would be really appreciated.


Lilly x

Drinking tends to bring out the real personalities in us all. Could be worse than feeling feminine, he could be an angry anti-semite like Mel Gibson.

[Paula Thomas]

Mandy - "i plan t' take a coupla courses t' add t' my psyche degrees so i can actually see patients,~plan t' specialize in seeing only transgendered, CD/TV/TS clients,,,"

That is a wonderful plan.

Lilli Lou - re "Very expensive - especially when he keeps throwing one wardrobe out, insisting it will never happen again".

Why not suggest that instead of throwing a wardrobe out, that he send it to you to keep "for a while" (in case he wants it back), assuming, of course, you have room to store it.

You sould like a wonderful person, who anyone would want for a friend.

[Dixie Darling]

Lilly Lou,

As Sophia pointed out, alcohol has the tendency to “amplify” one’s personality. With this in mind, your friend IS a crossdresser whether he wants to admit it to himself or not. The alcohol just brings it to the front more easily.

It appears that his main problem is learning to accept HIMSELF. Until he does this he’s going to be confused and fighting a losing battle with himself continuously. He needs to understand that he was BORN the way he is and he had no choice in the matter. All he’s doing by insisting that he isn’t REALLY a crossdresser is basically lying to himself about it. I would suggest that you invite him to pay a visit to this forum (when he’s stone cold sober) and read some of the material here. He might also derive some benefit from reading some of the pages on my web site if you can get him to do so. Maybe it’s possible that he doesn’t think there are others who crossdress and it might come as quite a surprise to him when he finds out the sheer NUMBER of us there are out here!

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[angelfire]

Wow, he sure is like to have a great friend like you as most of the other girls have stated. I think every CD knows what its like to feel the guilt and end up purging, promising yourself you'd never do it again. But in the end, it always comes back. Now, if you can learn to love & accept yourself, others will be more accepting of you as well.

I just recently accepted this aspect of me after discovering this board. While I still don't want my friends adn family to know, at least I am happier having accepted myself.

I also agree that if he could send you the clothes, or even if you could just convince him to store them instead of throwing them out, it would be better. Of course, if he feels guilty and thinks he will never do it again, he will likely still throw them out anyway.

[kathy gg]

What a dear friend you are. I am going to take a gander and bet he is not yet reached age 30.....there seems to be something which brews in guys and after they reach that milestone some guys become willing to accept themselves...some hit that mark at age 40..others at age 50. But it does seem for alot of guys the younger they are, the more they really have a hard time with self acceptance. And it seems that if you are still a young man finishing school begining your career and then have this *thing* which seems to not fit any other part of who you feel you are, they try to surpress it.

As everyone said, alcolhol is like truth serum. The only fear I would have is that he might get brazen in his hazy state and do something dangerous or go somewhere he would not go when drunk and dressed.

As for this part of him having a g-girlfriend and her not knowing or acepting....let's hope for both their sakes that he figures out some balance and innner peace before they get too serious. getting married and not being forthcoming only casues problems down the road when he turns 50 and realizes that this is really important to him and then gets busted by his wife with lots of explaining to do....

As his friend all you can do is try to be supportive and upbeat. And hope in time he begins to move past the shame and guilt. Might take a long time, this is never a quick fix, and purging and making promises to one's self rarely can be kept for too long.

He needs to know he is not that unusual and part of something which is actually quiet common. Sending him here is the nicest thing you could do for him.

[Sophia Rearen]

Might I ask, Why isn't he with you?

[DonnaT]

It appears that his main problem is learning to accept HIMSELF. Until he does this he’s going to be confused and fighting a losing battle with himself continuously. He needs to understand that he was BORN the way he is and he had no choice in the matter. All he’s doing by insisting that he isn’t REALLY a crossdresser is basically lying to himself about it. I would suggest that you invite him to pay a visit to this forum (when he’s stone cold sober) and read some of the material here. He might also derive some benefit from reading some of the pages on my web site if you can get him to do so. Maybe it’s possible that he doesn’t think there are others who crossdress and it might come as quite a surprise to him when he finds out the sheer NUMBER of us there are out here!

There's not much you can do Lilly except be there to support him and point him to places like this. He has to come to grips with it himself.

You might inform him that there is a whole world of CDs/TVs in the UK, and that many fight themselves, only to regret not getting out and about when younger when they looked their best enfemme.

[VtVicky]

"My best friend" ??????

[lilly lou]

Hi everyone and thanks again for all your advice

Vicky - LOL yes I can see the train of thought but no we are not the same person - my bottom is significantly bigger! (Meow)

Sophia - We've known each other far too long we have had various drunken 'encounters' but it always seemed far too hilarious in the morning!

Kathy - he is actually in his 30's, but he's also in denial about that, I think that may be tied up in everything. In many ways he's never really been himself at all. He has a very specific look which hasn't really changed in the last 15 years and is very much a part of his outward persona, he's lived in an environment where any kind of femininity is shameful - he was even bullied in school by his teachers for taking 'girlie' subjects and what did he want to be - a hairdresser (I wish), so I think he went to a lot of extremes to deny that part of himself and prove them wrong.

On the plus side we've had lots of chats over the last few days about him visiting the forum and we've gone from 'No no no hell no' to 'Ok I'll have a look' I think he'd be amazed that many of the threads on the site mirror so many of his thoughts and feelings.

So - if you managed to get here hun, just wanted to know that I'm really proud of you and love you to bits xx

[Kate Simmons]

I'm proud of you for being there for your friend Lily. Love, Ericka Kay

[Sheila]

lilly lou,
For being there for your mate, the road he is travelling is not an easy one, but will definately be a lot easier for him having such a good mate.
I hope he realises how lucky he is, so many of the cdr's after many years still have nobody they are able to talk to in their everyday life which is really sad and cruel, however the very vast majority of them remain reasonable, sane peeps ----- well except in the odd moments let's face it they are GMs :joke:

[melissacd]

Lilly,

Sometimes, because of things that happened in the past, we overcompensate in our denial. We are ashamed and guilty of something that we know will bring us ridicule from some and do not know what it will bring from others. We fear that if the secret is out and that our lives will be ruined.

All I know from my own experience is that once I got past the denial and guilt, once I began to see that this is who I am, I began my journey to a happier place. I am going through a process of self discovery that brings a lot of pain and yet brings way more joy. The moment we look in the mirror and acknowledge who we are is the moment that life starts to move in a more positive direction, although at times it may not seem that way.

I have made more good friends in the last year than ever in my life and that is because I have started to find others like me, who understand and accept and empathize and support. People who I resonate with. It is a wonderous thing and my outlook on life and my health are all improving as a result of it.

All I can speak of is my experience and my point of view and so far life is getting better every day since I finally have gotten out of my way and just accepted what is.

Huggs
Melissa

[AprilMae]

Good advice here. He needs to just let the guilt thing go, as hard as it may be. Also I think he needs to disassociate the crossdressing from the alcohol use as that is merely what gets him into the closet, it could lead to some self destructive behavior. If he has come here he is in good hands, but he is in better hands with you. He's lucky to have you.