Over the years, both Vanessa and I have been asked by numerous crossdressers about how to tell their wives and partners of their transgendered (femme) side. They seem to think that we can provide a "magic wand" for them, or that we hold the "secret" that will make everything just right.
The truth is that there is no magic wand or secret to telling your partner. You are taking a chance in opening up your entire being to the person who is most important in your life. You are opening the last closet door, and in doing so, you may end up losing this special person, or drastically affecting your relationship with her. If you feel that this relationship is important to you, it is a risk worth taking.
This may sound very frightening, but then, you are already frightened. It is a big step, a big chance you will be taking. However, the failure to tell your partner about your real self could be the the greater risk. In addition, until such time as you and your partner have totally opened up to one another, true intimacy will not be possible.
There can be a bright side to all of this, if you take the necessary steps to prepare yourself to tell her. Here are some thoughts and possible guidelines for you.
First, and foremost, you need to be secure in yourself, accepting all that you are, including your feminine side. The transgendered person who cannot accept him or herself can never convince his or her partner to accept. Self-acceptance is a major key, for it gives you the strength to take the chance. If you have inner peace and integrity, as Ms. Katafiasz writes in her booklet, then you have the best life can offer you. You will reflect this to all you meet, and your self-liking will come across to your partner as you tell her. You are special, you are unique and your transgenderism is a rare gift. If you share this with her in this manner, it is a major start to her understanding you.
Furthermore, you need to prepare yourself for the time when you will tell her. If you are transgendered, then learn all you can about transgenderism. There are endless books written on the subject, and by reading them, attending conferences, programs and seminars, which are offered throughout the year and the country by different segments of the transgendered community, you absorb knowledge about who you are. You learn more about yourself, and in doing so, you move to self-acceptance. It is like the circle of the wedding ring - you never reach the end, for the circle is never-ending. Such is learning...you are an open vessel, continually needed refilling.
As you learn more about yourself, also begin to learn about the partners of other transgendered men who have learned to tolerate and accept. There are more and more books being written about being the partner of a transgendered person, and there are books written specifically to couples in such relationships. Do not obtain these books to give to your partner; read them first, so that you can be able to talk to her about what she will eventually read. Contact the authors, if you have questions or comments and attempt to assimilate what they have written into your presentation to your partner.
Know your partner. Look logically at the relationship and think about how telling her about your crossdressing is going to affect it. Be compassionate to her needs: Take into account the pressures of her life, be they professional stress, children, family issues, financial boundaries.
Love your partner by trying to find ways to help her with her life pressures and understand that in telling her, you may be adding to her burdens. Will this new burden be too much?
Look honestly at the communication you share with her. Do you talk about real issues or do you brush them under the rug to avoid conflict? Ask yourself if there is anything else that you are hiding from her, for that will be one of her very first questions. Be ready to answer questions about your sexuality and your sexual orientation, and be honest in your answers. Do not try to cover up or lie to her. This is the time for total honesty. You would expect that from her, so why should not you be willing to do the same?
When you tell her, we suggest that you do not just blurt out that you are a transvestite or transgendered person. Prepare your words carefully. Explain to her that there is a side of you that has been with you all your life and which you had previously not told her about. When she asks why, be truthful. Most likely, you will tell her that you were afraid that you might lose her. Be prepared when she is unwilling to buy that reason. In her eyes, she will not understand how she could have been in such an intimate relationship with you and not known about this side of you. She may be resentful, and rightly so.
Try to explain your feelings about wearing feminine attire. She may be unable to fully understand what you feel, but she might be able to comprehend some of it. If you have tried to purge in the past, tell her this, and tell her how it did not work. If you have been to counseling, tell her this, too. If she wants to go to counseling, be open to the idea. Keep open the doors to her, and to your relationship. Tell her (and show her) that you have obtained educational materials about transgenderism, and the issues facing a couple in such a relationship and ask her if she would be willing to read them. Do not force them on her.
Be patient! This is a major blow to her sense of intimacy. Do not expect her to jump up and throw her arms open in grateful acceptance. Instead, ask her to leave the doors of communication open, make yourself available always to her for questions or discussion. Do not insist on dressing in front her until she specifically asks that you do so. And do not insist that she attend a support group meeting or try to force her to attend a partners support group meeting. Instead, simply make the options available to her.
Lastly, make sure that she knows how much you love her and how important your relationship is. Make it very clear that she is not the cause of your transgenderism. In fact, if you are like most other crossdressers, the reason for your femme side is unknown and unclear. Your partner may feel that she is somehow lacking in femininity. It is vitally important that you reassure her that this is not the case, and to you, she is a beautiful, desirable woman and the most important person in your life.
None of this will guarantee her acceptance but it gives you a valid start. The acceptance has to come from within her; it cannot be forced. Give her time, give her love and give her reassurance that you are still the man she fell in love with, and that your femme side is simply another unique part of your wholeness.