An ultimatum!!

[~Tammy~]

Crossdressing isn't a hobby (though many just do it for fun) nor is it a disease (though people outside the CD circle may think so).
Crossdressing is a part of a persons personality, a part of who we are, like a sense of humour (or lack of it!). It's the way a person wants to express how they feel inside.
It cannot simply be given up or brushed aside as a passing phase.

CD's go through passing phases of purging, feeling out of touch with the rest of society up to the point of guilt or shame of doing such things. These phases don't last long until the urge of self expressionism comes breezing into our lifes again.

I told my SO (Tamara-GG) of my dressing as early into our relationship as I felt comfortable in doing so, as it is a part of who I am. I decided she had to know the complete me if we were going to spend our lives together. I did this because I love her so much I could not keeps any secrets from her.

If I were asked to give it up or she would leave?

In all honesty I would have to say no. It would be simply impossible for me to disregard a part of myself. Not only that but as I mentioned earlier it is a part of my personality and that personality part of a package of who I am. If there was some way I could stop dressing up, it would probably change my personality and then maybe she may not like who I was.

If it really was a case of either I stop dressing or loose her, then I would stop dressing in front of her but I would continue in secret which would only lead to frustration, again leading to a change in my personality.

[Ariel_TV]

I couldnt be with someone who want me to "amputate" part of myself because of intolerance. No longer do i want to go thru trying to hide part of myself and being ashamed ot it ... it too much even for love ...

Personnally i learned about who i am early one , so i do tell someone when i am in a relationship , it not something i try to hide from them because i want to be love for who i am entirely not just a masculine image ...

[Tamara Croft]

Thank you for all your responses. It seems to me that most of you couldn't give it up even if your SO wanted you to. It's a part of who you are and myself personally wouldn't ever ask Tammy to give that part of her life up. I think if it wasn't for Tammy, she (well he really) wouldn't be as loving, caring, sensitive etc.

Tamara x

[nuffsaid]

I don’t take ultimatums well. Compromises I can deal with but an ultimatum is like saying "I don’t like part of you because you don’t fit into my world the way I want you too". (My opinion). Take me as I am or not and maybe Later we could work out a compromise.

[Vickie-CD]

Tamara, I honestly do not believe in ultimatums. I have never been one for the"my way or no way" attitude. That is my honest opinion.
Love,
Vickie

[Kassandra]

Hi!

My name is Trista, and this is my very first post anywhere. Getting this far has taken every ounce of courage. And reading all your posts has helped me get over the "I'm the only one in the world with these problems".

All of you, THANK YOU!

The thread talked about an ultimatum from your S.O. It happened to me over thirteen years ago. We started our relationship with her knowing fully about me. She was supportive and enthusiastic. We were about the same size so we could share a few things, though she did want me to buy my own panties and bras (which I did). And only once did we go out, though I found it highly energizing.

Several years later, after we were married, "we had a little talk". She felt that if she encouraged my "habit" I would grow out of it. When I didn't, she became more moody and withdrawn. If I pushed for more or even the same amout of dressing up we used to do I would be put off or rejected. Eventually she could take it no longer and asked me to stop doing it, stop talking about it and never mention it again.

I was devistated (still am). From that time till just a few weeks ago, I never dressed, not even in private. Of course the feelings were still there and my fantasies never changed, but were never again vocalized.

A few weeks ago, while alone, I put on some of her underwear (mine had long since been thrown out). I realized that for the last thirteen years part of me had been in a coma. I came alive again. I cannot deny myself, I cannot remove that of me that is female (not without dying).

Now I am faced with a terrible decision. How do I tell my wonderful wife of over twenty years (and she is too, she is a kind and loving woman) that the other woman in my life looks out at me in the mirror every morning?

I, Tris, need to be awake and aware. But to do so means that I must confront my wife with an ultimatum. This has made me depressed and lonely. Reading your posts on this board and others have given me hope.

It sounds like while my particular case is unusual, it isn't unique. How have you coped?

I don't want to bring everyone down. Actually, I feel like I've been released from prison. Having someone to talk about this has really made me feel better. Keeping it bottled up hasn't been good for me.

Thank you all!

Love

Tris

[Sharon]

Hi Trista and welcome!
I don't know how to advise you. Your wife seems to have made it quite clear that she doesn't want you to do this. Although I almost always say honesty and openness are best, I'm not so sure in your case.
Has she changed over the past thirteen years? Is she more confidant that your dressing won't develop into something more serious? She has had all these years to get to know you better. Is there a possibility that she will listen to you and accept even a limited amount of dressing?
Can you two discuss intimate things like fantasies or fetishes that don't involve dressing? Do you know what it was that initially got her to declare her opposition to your dressing? The explanation given seems a little flimsy to me.
See? There are too many unknowns for me to tell you what to do. If I knew you two had an intimate relationship I would tell you to sit with her and slowly explain how you feel, all the while telling her that she was still the most important thing to you. You were willing to give up this part of your life for many years for her. That should mean something to her.

Good luck dear, and see how honestly you can answer these questions before you ask them of her.

Sharon

[Darby]

I was sort of put in that situation this summer... my wife found some pictures and then found some clothes of mine... she was PISSED to say the least! I thought I was headed for divorce court there for several weeks. It has subsided but she still makes references to it and doesn't like it AT ALL! She wanted me to purge but I stood my ground... seperated my clothes with the ones that I felt I would be able to purge but still haven't... and won't! I'll have to admit, it was a scary time but we are still together, talked it out and she isn't happy about it all but she doesn't go there really anymore. I should have told her in the beginning and as time went on, couldn't find a way to do that and that was my mistake!!! I have to say though, I have a dear friend here to thank for helping me through the whole situation... I love you Maddy!

[Vickie-CD]

Welcome Trista, everyday life is made up of choices, some big some small. I suppose after a length of time you still feel you are no longer a prisoner, you made the right choice. I hope life treats you well & best of luck.
Love,
Vickie

[Tamara Croft]

Hiya Trista

You only get one shot at your life and it should be a happy life. If your wife truely does love you for whats inside then surely she wouldn't want to lose that. Is there one thing in her life that she couldn't give up?? You need to make a choice whether you want to live out the rest of your life happy, or stay miserable and start resenting your wife for basically telling you what you can and can't do. Marriage is a two way thing, there has to be some give and take in it or resentment will eventually take over.

Tamara x

[crispy]

threats are one thing; ultimatums are something different. If an ultimatum is truly serious, then the relationship has already collapsed and is not worth saving, unless there are children involved.

been there, done that.

that's my controversial viewpoint - so there .

[Wendy me]

the thought of a ultimatum blows the mind .......i mean here i set this morning full en fem why???????????because i am a freak????????gay????????sick?????????twisted????
ok you got me on twisted. no this is who i am.......as i said before i haven't told my wife abought wendy.......but she has to have a clue mabey she dosen't want to know
but if given the ultimatum wendy goes or the marrage is over............tough choise we are talking abought two girls i love with all my heart and sole..............

only one thing is diff.........althou i would hurt for a veary long thime with out my wife
i could live.......a little broken.......a little hollow.........i could live

to give up this part of me ......not a hobby........not a prevision.........not a sickness
not to be cured.......from what??????it's not a addiction......i know what that is
like going through drug and booze rehab .............purge all my fem things???????
thats the answer......no fuc_en way .........then your a crossdresser with nouthing to wear.......it dosen't go away........to stop or give up ........put away wendy would be
thats right would be not like killing a major part of who i am ............could i live through it??????????????? don't think so ............this whole thing almost killed us to get here............

so i'll stop rambling on now but i'd have to say i would choiese me

[DonnaT]

Welcome to the Forum Trista.

13 years is unbelievable. WOW.

Some of us can last a day, a week, others 6 months, etc.

When you discuss this reemerging of Trista with your wife, she should at least be appreciative of the fact that you tried so very hard. She's probably not going to understand how you could give it up for so long, and can't give it up again. She probably will push for you to give it up again too. But I could be wrong and she will be ok with it.

Is there anything about you that you don't like, that may have resulted from not dressing? Something that may have had a negative affect on your relationship? If so, then tell her you don't like this "aspect" of yourself and that you believe things will now be better.

One site you might find beneficial is The Couples Page

One article is entitled Telling your Partner

My wife tells me how hard it is on her, and saying that I don't understand. I told her I do understand and that is just as hard on me, trying to deny a part of who I am. That it is who I am not what I do.

She says I have all my friends here to talk to and she has no one she can talk to. I've invited her to open up here or on the other Forum with the dedicated SO section. She reads but hasn't participated yet.

Maybe if your wife had someone to talk to about this she might feel better. Here I am talking as though she won't be understanding when you tell her, and she may not have a problem at all.

Good luck.

[RachelDenise]

I couldn't do it. This is much too important to me to give up. It is who I am. No ultimatum at home yet, but it is frosty after she found out.

[jennifer michelle]

Early in marriage & when our child was young, my wife gave me such an ultimatum. My response was to remind her of the many good qualities she had seen in me when accepting my proposal for marriage, that I had been true to her & her needs throughout the marriage & was a good father as well as a hard-working provider. I explained that my dressing was a major part of me & that she should not try to change the "rules" so drastically & abruptly. Basically, I threw the burden of choice back at her. She could leave if she chose to do to so, but ought to think very hard about what she was doing.

My stance, presented in a candid, gentle manner caused her to to re-think & evaluate her own stance. In the end, this issue went away & has never again surfaced.

[ReneCT]

bye bye hon-have a nice life

[raven]

I'am sure going to miss her

[Kassandra]

Sharon, Donna, Vicky, Tamera, and all the others who took time to repsond:

First, it is so wonderful to be addressed by my name! My name came recently to me and perhaps was part of my re-awakening.

Of course life is much more complex than can be explained in one of these forum posts. In the past thirteen years many things have happened. Her parents terminal illnesses, my mother's death, raising two children from my previous marriage and just recently becoming empty nesters. So much to tell. But all of them contributed to not being able to have an ongoing deep relationship. Or at least things that prevented us from having time and ablility to be "just us".

All your comments are so kind and thoughtful. All your comments give me things to think about.

Because I have such a hard time expressing myself and my feelings, I thought that the only way to talk about this was in some confrontational way. Your deep insights really present me with different options. I still feel so betrayed even after all these years, that my internal anger is blinding me. There must be a way to have constructive conversations about this.

Also while we've never had any discussion since that time, some unsaid communication still goes on. I wear tights during the winter and carry a shoulder bag with my wallet in it as well as other small things that are either androgynous or only slightly fem. It allows me to show, discreetly, some aspect of my feminitiy.

But what I'm missing, isn't really the dressing up, though, it really is nice. But I couldn't express my feminine feelings to anyone. In all my dealings with the world, I must be masculine. That is why coming here has been so wonderful. Your words have touched me so deeply. Just being able to talk to you has been so uplifting. It will be some time before I can bring my feelings out to my wife, though because of your wonderful support, I realize I must do it. Over the last weeks, I've been in such a state. Realizing that, like the genie, I will not go back into the lamp, but not knowing what to do next.

This has been such a ramble and I think I'm babbling just a bit, sorry.

I just wanted to thank you all for such heartfelt support! I didn't anticipate such quick and loving support. I really am stunned!


Thank you.

Tris

[SilkenPrincess]

Trista,
that is a lovely name! Welcome!!
Your story is a lot like mine. I didn't tell my wife about me before we married, BIG MISTAKE! (And wrong, deceptive, misleading,....) Anyway, I did tell her eventually, mainly because I couldn't hold it in anymore. She wasn't exactly pleased, but she did agree to let me dress at home a couple of times a week, away from the kids of course. That lasted about 2 or 3 years. She got to where she couldn't "stomach" it anymore, and I got the ultimatum. Well, we had three sons that I couldn't give up, so I aquiesced. That was October 1991! So, its been over thirteen years for me also. They haven't been joyful years for me, but they're not entirely wasted either! (I got to be there for my boys!) I really understand your statement about feeling so much better just being able to talk about it here, that hits home for me too. I hope you will find the freedom to fully express yourself in full reality within your marrriage. If you do, you will have my undying envy.
Love SilkenPrincess

[crispy]

bye bye hon-have a nice life

I can identify with that observation

[Sweet Susan]

Ultimatums create marital problems. A wife or SO that gives an ultimatum is a power monger, and I'm not sure how I feel about being married to a power monger. However, I am not interested in losing my wife. It would be very difficult to just quit crossdressing, though I'm sure I could do it if I wanted to. The key word is "want." I spend my time wondering how I could possibly dress more often, so how horrible would it be to not dress at all. Also, having hairy legs would just disgust me.

Welcome Tristen! Yours is a tough story. I'm not sure what would be best for you. I'm sure you'll think long and hard before you make a decision. Let us know what happens.

[Man in tights]

I told my fiancee that I cannot stop (I've tried and failed enough times already). I love her so much but whenever I have tried to stop CDing in the past I get terribly irritable, can't concentrate and generally lose the plot. I need the feminine part of me to be whole. We've been talking about having a kid... that could get difficult.
Being given that kind of ultimatum is a lose-lose situation I guess... i.e. I'd face being losing her or losing my mind!!!

[Tristen Cox]

First without further adew, Welcome to the fourm Trista!
I'm Tristen so you already know I love your name I see you're already getting support from the wonderful ladies here. Let me not hijack this thread too far(for the first time huh), and say glad you found us. Have a seat and enjoy your new home.

*back to the topic*
I am single and have been for quite sometime. I will not get involved again with someone who does not accept this side of me. Point blank if they change their mind and give me this kind of ultimatum, I will pack my things and wave goodbye. I could no more give up my feminine side any more than a major organ.
That's all folks..

Love & hugs
Tristen

[crispy]

I will not get involved again with someone who does not accept this side of me. Point blank if they change their mind and give me this kind of ultimatum, I will pack my things and wave goodbye. I could no more give up my feminine side any more than a major organ.
That's all folks..

Love & hugs
Tristen

good for you, girl.

[MonaSmith]

I am single and have been for quite sometime. I will not get involved again with someone who does not accept this side of me. Point blank if they change their mind and give me this kind of ultimatum, I will pack my things and wave goodbye. I could no more give up my feminine side any more than a major organ.
That's all folks..

Love & hugs
Tristen

Yay, Tristen, you rock!

I think that you are so right. Being femme is such an important part of our makeup (excuse the pun) that it must have had some bearing on why we are found attractive in the first place? That being the case why should we have to suddenly deny it, and ourselves, just to please someone else because they are uncomfortable with their own feelings and desires on the matter? It doesn't make sense to me, but then I have no real experience in this stuff.

Oh and Tristen, judging by the pics you have been putting up in the Pictures thread, you won't remain single for much longer. You look HOT girl.