Tell it To My Heart

[noname]

I just sat there feeling numb. I couldn’t argue with his logic.

At least the person was honest.

[Janelle Young]

I do believe that this post is the best bit of wisdom I have read in a long time. Thank you for sharing Marla.

[MarieTS]

Wonderful words, Marla. The emphasis is right where it needs to be, on her. But, what if the complications and spousal fears referenced towards the end of the Thread do exist, i.e., the desire to progress to advanced feminization, hormones, etc.? How can those concerns be honestly addressed without creating too much hurt? In such instances is it better to withhold for awhile, and then gradually get to that level of comfort, if possible? And if so, does that secrecy become even more damaging, or do you see it as merciful?
I know,Marla, these are weighty matters. But nonetheless they are matters some will have to deal with, and therefore worthy of your discussion and insights.
Thanks for all you do,

[wifeofsissy GG]

Well said Marla. Thinking back, I must admit, my reaction was "am i not good enough for you","are you interested in men""are you gay", " are you are leaving me" more so than the actual "act" of dressing.

[Robin Leigh]

What an excellent post, Marla.

but what about the possible irrepairable damage to the fundamental sexual relationship and hence the relationship as a whole?

I'm sure this is important for a lot of CDs that don't tell their SO before marriage. I've read several posts here that mentioned that the wives were so sickened by the CDing that they could no longer feel sexual attraction for their husband, even years after. I don't know how such relationships survive. I've even been thinking of running a poll to get an idea of how common this is.

Robin

[Marla GG]

First off, my apologies for not always responding to your comments and questions immediately; I do make a point of following up on threads that I start, but I am not able to visit here every day. All of your contributions have certainly made this a much better thread, and I am grateful to all who responded.

Mysteryhorn57: Thanks for sharing your experience. I am really sorry to hear that your marriage is ending, but as you say, your crossdressing may not have made much difference to the outcome. Starting a new life is scary, but full of possibilities and chances to do things differently. I wish you well.

Silkrose: I am not sure what difference a spouse's sex drive would make to her ability to be accepting. I know of quite a few women who say that sex is much better and more frequent since their husband came out to them, and I have met a few who say the exact opposite. I guess I don't really see how having an unusually high or low libido would affect her reaction one way or the other, since the issues surrounding crossdressing in a relationship go way beyond the bedroom. In any case, most "coming-out" advice is meant to apply to a broad range of people and situations. The important thing is to be honest in expressing your emotions and desires, and sensitive in listening to hers. Every woman is different, and we all have different reactions to this, so any advice you may read has to be tempered by your own knowledge of your partner and your relationship. In other words, your mileage may vary.

Marie TG: I am glad you brought this up; it is an important point, even if it goes somewhat beyond the scope of this thread. In relationships where a transgendered partner has a desire to progress beyond part-time crossdressing, I think that honesty is especially important. If you already know that you will eventually want/need to live as a woman or make permanent changes to your body, then you really owe it to your partner to tell her that this is a possibility. You are right in pointing out that this will create hurt, but I don't think it is avoidable under these circumstances. I really advise against gradual disclosure, for numerous reasons. It might seem more merciful, but actually, it is very stressful and anxiety-provoking to reach a level of acceptance and then find out that there is more...and more...and more. Also, although it makes me sad to say this, the reality is that about 90% of relationships won't survive when one partner transitions. This means that to be fair to your spouse, you need to give her as much time to sort out her options and prepare for her future (which may not include you) as possible. Anything else would be unethical in my opinion. Now, I am not saying that you have to bring everything to the table in the very first conversation, but I am saying that it is wrong to keep your partner in the dark for any length of time if you are making plans to take hormones or other steps towards transitioning. As hard as it is, she has a right to know. What would you want, if the situation were reversed? Thanks again for asking such a good question.

Robin Leigh: I think the number of women who are actually "sickened" to that degree by their partner's dressing is quite small. Yes, there are some who just can't, or won't, even try to accept; but I really do believe that most can and do, given time and support. In a lot of cases where the marriage fails, I feel it's usually due to other problems.

[VickyTan_81]

When I told my SO, I did think about rationalizing my CDing to her but finally decided that it was unwise and I should focus on her feelings instead. Previously, I was still unsure about my decision but after reading your article, I'm so glad I did. Thanks!

[CDLauraNJ]

Thank you for the sound information and very informative post. What you are saying is very consistent with the way my wife feels. It has taken a long time for us to even be able to talk openly about my crossdressing. A very difficult subject for everyone involved. Thanks again.

[samantha#1]

Thanks Marla, I am off to have a chat.
Samantha

[ubokvt]

I am very early in the process of coming out to my wife so when I read your post and the threads it was like some one was observing what was happening in my relationship. So I got my wife made her sit down next to me and we read it and all the threads to gather and then we talked and talked and are still talking but its very comforting for both of us to know we are not alone, that the feelings and fears are "normal" and they can be delt with. to those that wrote back your threads were of unbelieaveable help. Thank you. Through it all I we learned somuch about ourselves and where the other was at. I hope other write back on this it really helps.