Very complicated

[Amanda420]

Being a CD is so complex. I keep going through viscous purge cycles that are not only financially disturbing, but mentally disturbing as well. Lots of CDers make excuses for thier dressing such as they want the same choices women get in thier wardrobe, and its not about being as female as possible its about equality. I think the truth why we do this is complicated.
I still really cant tell the reason why every year or two, the urge to CD becomes to powerful to resist, and I once again start to accumulate clothes, shoes, make up and everything need as a female. Last time, I ended up with VERY thin brows, and had been shaveing my entire body for three months. I was going out twice a day fully dressed. But at some point, I just dont want anything to do with it, and trash all clothes...everything.
Here I am again, gathering but now its somehow different. I dont quite feel right. In the past I would sort of go into a trance and get what I need and do what I have to do.
Ill dress for halloween and let lots of people see me. Halloween 03, I was mistaken many times for a GG, so well see how this goes.
I think I need a balance of my male and female personas, I mean we have to repress our fem sides our WHOLE lives, so when Amanda comes out, she comes out in full force. The problem is that all my regular life stuff gets pushed to the wayside while I attempt to live out a fantasy. Ive tried to get dressed then do my chores, but while dressed im to obsessed with myself in the mirror or taking a million pictures, or going outside to be seen a while.
The times like in 03 when I was seen ALOT and mistaked for a GG that satisfied my urges for a long while. Maybe if I schedule a semi annual dress up. I can plan around , then look forward to this happening to me. As it is it kind of sneaks up on me and im not ready.All i know for sure is that I cant stop and the harder I try, the stronger it gets.....see,? Its complicated!

[Janailene]

You have joined the crowd. Over the years I have had periods when I dressed frequently only to purge and then not dress for long periods. During my teens I dressed at least 5 times a week, because the opportunity was there. Dad died when I was 10, and I was a "latch key kid". During the late teens and early 20's there was no opportunity - military and school. At 25 the opportunity presented itself to find out if I was TS or CD. As long as I can remember, I had a dream about passing through a doorway and becoming a girl. I read everytheing about Christine Jorgensen' sex change in the 1950's. So after the military, I got an apartment and tried living as a woman. In about 4 months, I realized that I was not TS. I returned home and got a job. However, the Cd-ing never stopped.

[Angie G]

It was somewhat the same for me back when my wife did not know of Angie but it's a lot easier now she knows and lets me get something I want ('s a cost thing)
I have no reason to want to stop dressing so no more purges I have lost some real nice things in the past
Angie

[Carroll]

Amanda,
First and formost, no matter how strong the urge is, dont purge. As you said it is very costly. Either put the items in a box and store it, give it to someone you trust to keep it for you. As you have discovered, the need to dress does come back. I am sure that anybody here that might live near you would be more than happy to help you in storing you stuff also.

[Karren H]

Sounds like you need a wife. Lol. She balance your life for you plus some!! Hehehe. And after all it is about balance....makiing time for the day to day things plus some fem time once in a while...

I have so many comitments on my time that I couldn't get carried away if I wanted to!! And I have my priorities... Family, work , ice hockey and if there is any time left over for Karren then fine....if not there's always tommorow!!

Maybe you need to seek counseling, not because you crossdress, more of a time management thing... That will allow you to put some order and scheduling in your life... That way you could have time for everything... Plan the work and work the plan!! Lol

Love Karren

[Vivian Best]

Being a CD is so complex. I keep going through viscous purge cycles that are not only financially disturbing, but mentally disturbing as well. kind of sneaks up on me and im not ready.All i know for sure is that I cant stop and the harder I try, the stronger it gets.....see,? Its complicated!

Amanda, You are right, life is complicated! No one gave us a "life is easy" pass. I can just about say that all of us here have had complexities in our life that the general male population has not had. That's not to say that the general male population does not have their share of problems because they do.

Now, you can continue to purge and pay the resulting cost to replace you feminine clothing or you can be realistic and store them until the next urge comes on you, because it will, I can almost guarantee it will!

Acceptance of one's self is sometimes very hard! I know because I've been there. Once you accept who and what you are you can begin to make rational decisions that will help to uncomplicate you life somewhat. Hope you succeed.

[princessmichelle]

Amanda,

I can relate to "complicated" -that's why I decided to read your post. I've asked myself whether cd is something I want to do, something I have to do, or something I can't do.

But I'm _responding_ to your post for a different reason- I want to offer support. Most of us have purged, and I can't afford it either-emotionally or financially. Even inexpensive makeup is expensive. And emotionally costs-even higher. What I'm trying to say is--hang in there. You have support here. Even if we don't have answers, at least we can offer sympathy.

"Princess" michelle

[Sasha Anne Meadows]

I find that the urge to dress increases with age. I am at the point that I just hate boy clothes.

[bgirl]

I was caught in that cycle for many years. It tears you up inside. So many questions and no answers. Feeling so helpless and no control. Love and hate for what I was doing. I 've been there. What started to change for me was to stop asking why, and accepting that it was so. The realization that it wasn't going away and letting it become a part of me. And after awhile I realized it was always a part of me, I just couldn't accept it. You are not alone in this. Many of us empathise and will listen when you need an ear.

[Kate Simmons]

I've recently achieved the balance I've been seeking Amanda. I'm equally comfortable with being Ericka and Rich. It wasn't easy and I've had numerous purges along the way. I greatly value both parts of myself and there is a spiritual aspect as well for me. It seems I need to balance the energies to carry on with what I have to do. Any time you want to discuss it, let me know. Ericka

[Snookums]

Why does everything have to be complicated?

[kerrianna]

I can relate Amanda. I'm currently trying to manage my time better as I have opened Kerrianna's closet and she JUST WON'T GET BACK IN! My wife has repeatedly tried to steer me back into reality as this can become obsessive and addictive behaviour and I find I'm thinking about it all the time and not getting back to my life. Having someone to talk to about it is really important. I'm looking for balance too - I'm hoping that connecting here will help me smooth out Kerrianna's presence. I don't have to do everything in one day. We need to accept ourselves and forgive ourselves. Try to bring Amanda into your daily life in subtle ways too not just outward, like bringing extra compassion or sensitivity to others. Be proud of her and know that she doesn't go away just because you're not actively dressing. And know there are thousands of people just like you out here.

[susie bear]

I find that the urge to dress increases with age. I am at the point that I just hate boy clothes.

I am 65 years old and until recently I was happy with pantyhose, panties, & girdle. Now I want some nightgowns, camis, and diferent girdles. My wife has told me we can get the cami and nightgowns but she is not sure about the girdle. At this point all I know is that the urge is growing.

xxxooo

susie bear

[wabnaok]

I, as others have said here also, have gone through up & down periods of dressing or not. This seems to have changed somewhat now that my wife nows and allows me freedom at home. I have come to the realization that there is a big part of me that wants to be a women. I like being a guy, but I also like being a girl. It is very nice thing for me and it allows me to enjoy the best of both worlds! I look at magazines and enjoy looking at planes & motorcycles. At the same time, I can look at another magazine and decide what kind of bra I want to get and immensely enjoy the feeling of being part the feminine world. So hang there, we all share the same feelings.

[Jodi Lynn]

I find that the urge to dress increases with age. I am at the point that I just hate boy clothes.

I agree with Sasha, as I have gotten older the need for me to dress is even greater. I have been throgh it all too, dressing, purging, getting new things, and not dressing for long periods of time. But when I hit forty that all changed. I started dressing when ever I got the chance. I would wear female undies when ever I could. Go shopping with a bra on and my male shrit unbuttoned just enough for anyone to see I was wearing a bra. At 45 I got my ears periced, then came all the great earrings that come alone with that. At 50 I got my frist wig, that seemed to make me complete, but I wanted more. Then came getting up the courrage to go out as Jodi. I started going to a CD freindly bar,the frist time was a bit scary but it was great when I got there. Then to go for walks by the river near by. And then going shopping dressed, what a thrill that is. Now a days I have no fear of shopping anywhere I want, or dressed however I want. I have no fear of going out as Jodi at all. I just wish that I could do it more often. If someone would of told me that I would do all of this back when I was a teen I would of told them they were carzy, that is if I would of let anyone know about it. A year and a half ago I finaley let me wife know about Jodi, something that I should of done many years ago. While she is not accepting of Jodi, at least she knows now. Now I don't know why this is as I got older, could very well be because of the internet. Because this was also when I frist got on line. One day I put in a search of crossdressers, and I couldn't belive how many hits I got. This opened my eyes that I was not alone in the world of CD'ing as I had though for many many years. Over the years I have found some really great CD's frinds online, the helped me, they have cared about me. They gave me the courage to do many of the things I have done. I still have some very great sisters that I met all those years ago and still chat with them to this day. I have met some really super girls on this fourm too. So I want to thank all my sisters out there that have helped me.

[Byllie]

Purging = Confusion + Insecurity

Both confusion and insecurity lesson, if not disappear, as one gets older, or at least that's the general pattern.

[Charity's GG]

Oh i feel your pain...I go through it with Charity. The dressing, purging, mood swings etc. Its so hard sometimes...to see him suffer with the emotions. I support his dressing, I let him shave, dress, makeup...pretty much everything. He's never gone out...that may come later. But when he purges, or when a purge is fixing to hit, he is a major a$$!

I find it unfair that society doesnt mind its own business and let people live like they want to live. HOw unfair that I can put on jeans and a T-shirt and its acceptable but if Charity wants to wear a skirt for the day...well...forget that!

My heart does go out to the problems with dressing and purging. What I do know is this...dressing can be fun fun fun...

Be true to yourself!...

[brandie]

been there don that cost is not even funny.
my way to handle was to get very mean to every one that was within 10 feet, not a real good way to find friends, for ten years i was a ******* no questions about it but now i have leaned that i am how i am she or he and when you sit back and look at it as long as you know you were born a man and dress as a women, just passé your self take your time.
consolers listen but will not make the final decision only you can do that, but you have lots of friends her that will help.
this is just my way of dealing with the same questions that i deal with every day so just sit back and look at your life, and then make the decision which way works for you and believe that it was the right decision and don't look back.
just one red necks look on life
brandie

[ColleenCD]

Funny isn't it? What should be as simple as getting dressed causes so much drama inside of us and outside of us. CDing is very complicated as logic and emotions go, but it's how deep the urges are for me that can be so hard.

I was headed back to work on Monday afternoon following a week off. The last hour before leaving I wanted to dress so bad I felt like I was leaving a friend.

Colleen