Being a CD is so complex. I keep going through viscous purge cycles that are not only financially disturbing, but mentally disturbing as well. Lots of CDers make excuses for thier dressing such as they want the same choices women get in thier wardrobe, and its not about being as female as possible its about equality. I think the truth why we do this is complicated.
I still really cant tell the reason why every year or two, the urge to CD becomes to powerful to resist, and I once again start to accumulate clothes, shoes, make up and everything need as a female. Last time, I ended up with VERY thin brows, and had been shaveing my entire body for three months. I was going out twice a day fully dressed. But at some point, I just dont want anything to do with it, and trash all clothes...everything.
Here I am again, gathering but now its somehow different. I dont quite feel right. In the past I would sort of go into a trance and get what I need and do what I have to do.
Ill dress for halloween and let lots of people see me. Halloween 03, I was mistaken many times for a GG, so well see how this goes.
I think I need a balance of my male and female personas, I mean we have to repress our fem sides our WHOLE lives, so when Amanda comes out, she comes out in full force. The problem is that all my regular life stuff gets pushed to the wayside while I attempt to live out a fantasy. Ive tried to get dressed then do my chores, but while dressed im to obsessed with myself in the mirror or taking a million pictures, or going outside to be seen a while.
The times like in 03 when I was seen ALOT and mistaked for a GG that satisfied my urges for a long while. Maybe if I schedule a semi annual dress up. I can plan around , then look forward to this happening to me. As it is it kind of sneaks up on me and im not ready.All i know for sure is that I cant stop and the harder I try, the stronger it gets.....see,? Its complicated!