I want to deny it.

[sandra-leigh]

I am horrified by the way some of the men here look. I don't want to be part of that or the scene. Shopping on the internet for a skirt or shoes to fit me. In Australia during the mardi-gras I see these creepy people in their over the top attention seeking outfits and I think I am not that.

There is a wide variety of dressing styles, and any one person might have two or three different styles for different occasions or different moods.

A lot of my clothes are really "everyday" clothes -- clothes chosen so that when I am wearing them, I am apparently feminine, but in them I am intentionally "just another woman", not flashy, not intentionally sexy, not ugly -- just female. You have probably noticed yourself when you go to a shopping mall, that there are a lot of women who are... well, "average". Now as I am a guy that likes women, I happen to find that a lot of "average" women are "kind of nice looking", so by "average" I do not mean "plain" or "ugly" -- though not necessarily meeting the social consensus of "pretty" or "beautiful". A lot of women who, if you were walking in the mall or taking a bus or driving along, whatever, and had your mind on your own day to day concerns, that you would just glance at and quickly pattern match to "female, within norms of looks, within norms of fashion, within norms of behaviour"... and then you promptly stop paying attention to her because you have other things on your mind and she is neither a threat nor a particular opportunity. And a lot of my clothes aim square into that category: to "just be a woman", to just be getting along with life, not someone to pay attention to.

I have other batches of clothes that are more noticable, mostly because women do not commonly wear such things any more even though they once did; or more noticable because they happen to be particularily nice examples of common clothes. A nice skirt, or a nice dress -- they make me feel very feminine, and happy, and a number of people look over and see me in them and say, "That's really nice; it looks really good on you!". Oh, it's a wonderful feeling, just to be wearing those things and to be acknowleged as being, at that moment, radiant and womenly.

Then I have some other clothes, chosen to be deliberately sexy or deliberately "party style" -- clothes chosen with a conscious intent of displaying sexuality, or of "looking hot". Or chosen in thought of enticing people to think of sexuality when they see me -- which is not the same thing as wanting them to want sex with me personally. If a guy glances over at me and thinks to himself, "Nice!!" and that puts him in the mood to go and make out with his partner, then I would have been entirely successful. But these kinds of deliberately attractive clothes are emotionally troublesome to a lot of cross-dressers (including myself) -- we like to feel like we are desireable, but then the whole homosexuality question stomps all over us and we don't know anymore what we really want. I am still somewhat confused about this kind of thing myself; all I can say is that I know it to be true of myself that sometimes it is important to me to act sexualized; this is related, I am sure, to having gone through so much of my life without overt sexuality, and my feeling a need to express myself as a sexual being... which happens to be a lot easier when I'm in a female role.

[JennaKnots]

Boy do I know that feeling of being discusted after the climax.

I'll just say a couple of things from my own experience. I grew up in the west village in NYC and when I was single and I was in relationships with GG's that were either open to this or in a couple of cases really into it, a lot of the guilt and shame went away almost completely.

But living in the burbs with a wife who is decidedly not into it and a couple of young kids, makes it very different for me. Kind of back to when i first had these feelings as a kid when I thought there was something really wrong with me. The point being, if the act is the same in both circumstances, then the only reason my feelings changed is because of my surroundings. To me that says that I am not fundamentally at odds with the act, just how I'm perceived by others. This struggle with self-acceptance is at the core of every struggle in my life. And I think it's the deciding factor as to whether any of us will achieve any peace with it.

As far as stopping the desire? I'm not sure if it's possible. I'm not sure if you can stop it any more successfully than you can stop being attracted to women. There are various therapies which claim to be able to stop things such as this, but I don't thing crossdressing itself is the issue to explore. I'm trying to look at causes and conditions. Not to try to stop, but to try to see where I came from and where I want to go. It's a great opportunity to learn about yourself. IMHO.

[tall_brianna]

3. A. I am so disgusted with myself and feel like jumping off the balcony at times. I feel like I have let my wife down because she has to be with me through my confusion.

...

I DONT WANT TO BE ok GETTING PLEASURE OUT OF IT. I WANT IT TO STOP.

Yo dude, relax. Don't do it - jump that is. The reason everyone, your therapist included, is telling to figure out how to be ok with it is because it is how you are wired. And it's not the end of the world. You could probably put it all away on sheer will power but I think you'll find that in the long run that is worse.

Dude, don't end it over this. This is nothing. I know, and I mean I really know. It feels like the end of the world, but it is really the start of the other one where you are you and they are they and it's all good.



-b

[Stephenie S]

Yo dude, relax. Don't do it - jump that is. The reason everyone, your therapist included, is telling to figure out how to be ok with it is because it is how you are wired. And it's not the end of the world. You could probably put it all away on sheer will power but I think you'll find that in the long run that is worse.

Dude, don't end it over this. This is nothing. I know, and I mean I really know. It feels like the end of the world, but it is really the start of the other one where you are you and they are they and it's all good.



-b

Dear Stapler,

Yeah, what she said. Brianna is right. Just relax. Almost every one of us has been through the same thing. I can remember feeling exactly the same way years ago. After the sexual satisfaction I could not get those clothes off fast enough. This will pass, believe me. This is a blessing, not a curse. We are all very special people who get to see the world from more than one vantage point.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[kerrianna]

Reading these responses to you Stapler, I am reminded of why I was eager to join this forum. I hope you embrace a lot of the wisdom. Although I sometimes can't relate to some of the aspects of other's CDing or transformations, I always am heartened by the kindness and compassion of this forum.

A lot of stuff I would have liked to have said has been said, and I hope it has helped you. I'd just like to add that my experience with sex in general often seems mystifying and can feel vulgar and course, especially if it involves something that I think others will think is dirty or wrong. This is BS. Sex is a healthy vibrant life-affirming thing, and anything that gets you aroused (as long as you're not harming yourself or others) is a GOOD THING. As you can see, there are lots of men out there who enjoy the same things, and not everyone actually wants to be a girl or is gay or is anything other than who they are. And there are a lot of women out there (I have met more that like it than not) who are turned on by our kinks. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It takes a lot of bravery to put on the panties lol. ENJOY IT. Don't try to figure it out.

Relax. We're all FU'd. Have fun and play with it. It doesn't have to mean anything.

Give your wife as much back as you can when you want to be dressed. She may associate you dressing as a good thing for her and actually encourage it. If you're both on the same wavelength it can be a lot of fun. But you do need to work at it, give and take. And it takes time. Give yourself and your wife that, as hard as it may be (ok, pun intended, sorry- like I said "fun" )

[loki_uk]

If it's any consolation at least your wife knows, at least thats one burden over with

For some of us that is just too big a hurdle to dare cross, so at least you can communicate and you must have some level of acceptance from your partner

[Debb]

Stapler,

I don't really have much to add to the conversation here but I gotta tell ya, everyone here has gone / is going thru the same stuff.

I personally am at the stage where I hate myself, and I hate hating myself, and want it to end. I have not found a good way to stop this behavior permanently (other than the obvious), and have chosen to stay alive, to stay "sane", because of the people I love.

Keep in mind that you exist for more than yourself. You need to stay around, to do what it takes, in order to fulfill your obligation to your wife, kids, and other loved ones. If that means counseling .. if that means learning to accept yourself .. if that means opening up to your wife .. you gotta do it.

Sorry for the "pep talk" tone of this reply .. it's the way I've convinced myself to stick it out. Hope it helps.

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

[SIZE=3]as so many others have said, no-1 can give you maybe the right answer ur searching for. but, it seems like @ some point u all go through this feeling, need, and if you fight and surrpress them, then ul hate urself further. maybe ( as has been said ), trying to talk to ur wife, explain how u feel , then asking her how she feels , and maybe meeting somewhere in between "might" be a solution as such. everyone has times when they feel bad about something they have done/doing, no matter what it is hun. but being on here, and talking thru it goes some way for you towards asking for advice [/SIZE]

[Sophia Rearen]

Stapler,
When I was 39, 4 years ago, I felt myself coming to terms with who I was. Seems to me, a majority do, around age 40. And yes, my feelings started around 10 years old as well. You say, you only have sexual feelings for this, but what is the driving force for these feelings? Chances are these feelings are more than just sexual. They may show themselves in your sexual desires, however, they probably run much deeper than that. May I ask, what is so wrong about having these feelings? At least half of the population has them, they're called women, and I admire women.

[Karren H]

How many times have we heard that? And welcome to the club....we've all had those feelings and until you accept that liking what you like is ok, not a bad thing, then your going to continue feel like crap forever.... So snap out of it, get over it and go buy yourself a pretty new dress and get on with life...or lives!!

Or buy me a pretty new dress!! Hmmmm. I like that even better..... Call it a consulting fee!! Hehehe

Love Karren

[Kimberly]

I have been through this phase, and it isn't nice... but you can't damage yourself - you've got to stop the destructive behaviour of hating yourself before it becomes to much for you.

I believe a little bit of soul searching is going to have to be done -- why do you do it? How does it make you feel? Is it just sexual?? You're partner may be able to help you.

It's down to you, though, my love. xx

[TVStevie]

I DONT WANT TO BE ok GETTING PLEASURE OUT OF IT. I WANT IT TO STOP.

The reason most psychiatrists/therapists focus upon your feelings are because finding acceptance within yourself is far easier than changing a behaviour that is ingrained and possibly innate. Be honest - I'm fairly certain that if you do, you'll see that you don't want the behaviour to stop, you want the way it makes you feel to stop.

Good luck.

[Stapler]

I think that if I accept it (which I think I am gradually doing) I will be decieving my friends which will never know the real me. I think I will not be as an open book as I am in most if not all of my life.

I tell people many personal things about me should the need arise if it helps comfort some pain they may be in.

To people who know me personally, I am a realible mate, and I have reliable mates who are bikie tough, with 'you watch my back & I will watch yours' attitudes. I value these mates. I don't want to risk losing them by them suspecting I am hiding something.

I don't give a rats ass what they do in their lives because I would still love them and be there for them anyway. But I think people say that and maybe don't really mean it.

I mean it.

If it stopped I would not be deceiving anyone important to me.

Some of you may say that if they can't accept you totally then they are not your friend. I say that everyone has good points about them and bad. I have been real selective of my friends and these folks I am proud to have a friends are great. I don't wont to decieve them.

Does that make sense?

[Stlalice]

Probably the hardest thing that most of us have to deal with is what you are going through. I've helped facilitate support groups for TS/TG people and the number one problem most have to deal with is accepting themselves for who and what they are. In short, the single most important person that you have to "come out to" is yourself. I've been there and done that and it ain't easy. Hard? Yes and painful at times as well. Part of it is that we are running counter to all the social conditioning we get as kids growing up. If as you say you have had these feelings since age ten or there about then the smartest move you can make is to go to a good therapist that specializes in gender issues. A general psychologist doesn't have the training or experience handling these issues and may well do more harm than good. A couple of places to look for one would be the International Foundation for Gender Education at www.ifge.org or at least in the US a PFLAG chapter in most any large city. I'm listed with the local PFLAG chapter here as their resource person - most chapters will have someone you can talk to as a starting point. Also, I posted a piece in the Transgender forum titled "The Monster at the End of the Book" that would be worth your time to read. In any case hang in there and don't do anything rash. You can PM me if you need or want to talk .

[x_girl]

Stapler,

Others have said this already, but many have gone through the exact same emotions. One thing to keep in mind though is that not all cds go down the same path. Some want the world to know and have distain for the unaccepting public, others prefer to keep this special part of themselves more private.

Just because you are discovering something about yourself that is unlike your mates, doesn't obligate you to discuss it with them. I'll bet that there are many things that have happened in your life that you do not discuss with friends - especially guy friends. Lets face it, conversations between guys are seldom that deep.

It is obviously a difficult time for you. I for one can relate. Just relax and take it as it comes. You do not need to make any immediate decisions. Take the time to learn more about yourself. Acceptance will take time, sometimes many years, but in the end you will realize that you are still the same person you always were. You are very fortunate to have places like this forum. I wish such resources were available to me when I struggled with this issue.

[nishababe]

Dear Stapler,
I have also had the same funny experience of climaxing then wanting to remove the panties ,stockings etc straightaway ,but now I find that if I just resist the urge to remove them and keep everything on then I settle down and the feelings go all calm and you get to enjoy the feelings of wearing the womens clothes again without the urge to remove them .
I agree with a few of the other writers that it is nice to sleep in womens panties ,silky nighties etc .
I think if you are living on your own it is a lot better as you can wear what you like and when you like which is very relaxing .
I love relaxing in the house ,perhaps watching tv ,wearing panties ,stockings ,dress skirt etc ,just sooooooooo nice !! Its even nice to slip into womens shouse as well ,funny isnt it .I think we c/d people have a female part of the brain that needs to revert to us being female ,sometimes I long to be a beautiful young woman ,complete with the whole wonderfull female body .I can almost feel as if I have a vagina sometimes .perhaps the female part of our brain Remembers being a woman in a past life or geneticaly the inner body has some way of connecting with the feelings of being the other sex ,who knows .
Just try and be more relaxed and forgiving of your self and accept that you have a strong female side that needs feeding sometimes .
It is only because society has said this is wrong ,we have been brainwashed into thinking that something that seems to be quite normal in a lot of folks is bad and must be suppressed at all times .

Love Nishababe xxx

[Crisack]

If it stopped I would not be deceiving anyone important to me.

If what stopped? The desire to dress or the dressing itself? You may not consider yourself important but I'm sure your wife feels differently. If you lie to yourself how will you be an open book to anyone? You mentioned that you felt like you were letting your wife down because she has to go through this with you. I think you have a wonderful woman that actually loves you for you. She's willing to stand by your side, you'd only be letting her down if her efforts were for nothing. You've come to the right place which is a great start. There's alot of great advice found here (and some eye openers). This site has helped me alot in dealing with my own issues. It's nice to know that what I'm wearing isn't what makes me weird, lol.

[Kelsy]

:be: Stapler,

It certainly is confusing at times. For me, I constantly struggle with the push and pull thing. sometimes I am very intune with my femm side and very comfortable with it. Equally though there are times I just want the whole desire to go away. I started dressing at 10 and I believe it was an innate emotional desire at that age - pre sexual - of course with puberty my dressing became very sexually charged, I too have experienced the build up
-dressing, sexual release and revulsion. But now it is less about sex and once again it has to do more with emotional wholeness. Most of my life I was deeply in the closet and I raised kids yet they only know part of me and that's ok. everyone has a secret self and we aren't required to share everything!
If we assimilate the female aspects of our pesonalities It will make us better men ,kinder, more understanding and more sensitive. Go easy on yourself!

Huggs Jennifer

[Samantha Lough]

Stapler,
Man we all go through this in fact I am just getting through it, I can only speak for my self here but yes at first when you relies that this is not going away you fight it, I went from a nice GUY to a Total A$$ fighting this, I lost friends and family fighting this side of me then well I accepted it and started to see that I make a VERY NICE person no matter what clothes I wear or how my face looks beard or Makeup it is me. Only advice most of us can give is be you. If you do not like it well just like smoking easier to say your going to stop then to stop, you will purge and feel ok then one day you will be buying a pair of levi’s or folding your wife’s panties or clothes and whamo away it goes again, and it sneaks up on you , and you something, then you get mad and beat yourself up vowing never again!!!! Then OOPS guess what. I am sorry but well that has been my life since I was 10 also and from what I have seen here in the forum almost all of our life’s some not so drastic and some just very easy and smooth. Only advice we can give is please just find a happy ground and start there.
Samantha

[Tree GG]

Stapler,

I'm really sorry to here you're feeling so miserable. I'm encouraged you'll be OK by the fact you're in counseling, your wife is aware of your need to dress, and you're here looking for input.

So I'd like to echo the "Relax" advice. Transgender/Cding or whatever you want to call it is difficult enough - don't make it harder. Putting pressure on yourself to perform in a certain way or to someone else's expectations is a no win - especially when dealing w/ intimacy issues. And wanting to be reliable & honest with your friends & family is admirable and definitely the way to go. But what would you tell them now? Do you know what you're going to do? Not yet. So again, relax. Wait until you have an answer to give if & when the need to "tell" arises.

As the wife of a recently revealed CD, from experience I can say the best thing you can do is communicate with your wife what you're feeling, and find out what she's feeling/thinking. She may not be able to fix it, but if she feels included and respected, she can be one of your biggest sources of comfort and stability in an unstable situation. Conversely, if she feels unwanted, unloved or unappreciated, it can make the situation uglier.

Best of luck to you!

[Samantha Lough]

Oh also forgot one thing I tried this but did not work buuuuut they do make silk mens undies if that is all it is the feel of the silk and satin try wintersilks.com also you could try silk boxers like the kind you buy for valentines day these things help. But if it is the whole femine persona then well ?????

[Stephenie S]

To people who know me personally, I am a realible mate, and I have reliable mates who are bikie tough, with 'you watch my back & I will watch yours' attitudes. I value these mates. I don't want to risk losing them by them suspecting I am hiding something.

I don't give a rats ass what they do in their lives because I would still love them and be there for them anyway. But I think people say that and maybe don't really mean it.

I mean it.

If it stopped I would not be deceiving anyone important to me.

Some of you may say that if they can't accept you totally then they are not your friend. I say that everyone has good points about them and bad. I have been real selective of my friends and these folks I am proud to have a friends are great. I don't wont to decieve them.

Does that make sense?[/QUOTE]

Dear Stapler,

No, this does not make sense.

You are selling your friends short. You say you don't mind what they do, but you don't give them the same privilage.

But . . . . Why are you discusing your masturbatory practices with anyone? I should think these areas of your life would be private. I certainly would shut down any conversation about this that was started around me. Do your friends talk about how they masturbate around you? Is this common talk with you guys. For me (and EVERYONE I know), this is just TMI. (Too much information!) I haven't discussed this subject publicly since the 7th grade.

So, unless you WANT to discuss this subject with your peers, why are you worrying about it? I think if the truth came out, you would be absolutely amazed at the variety of most peoples' masturbatory fantacies. But this information is best kept private. Don't be embarassed about yours. It's pretty common, believe me.

And yes, I am aware that I am discussing this subject here, but that is what this thread is about, right?

Steph

[Stapler]

Since the first post, my wife has bought me some panties.

We are enjoying (she says she's enjoying seeing me get off) some new and lovely times together.

I still feel the need to quickly undress from the underwear, but really for the first time in our 20 year relationship we are doing something new sexually "together".

Thankyou for your responces.

[racquel]

Good for you both.Sounds like you are well on the way to acceptance about who you are and have always been.
Hopefully you will relax and enjoy the trip because you will only be travelling this road called life once and it's up to you whether you enjoy it or not.

[Skyie]

Hey

I came to this forum with pretty much the same attitude that you have. What I did was I started to remove the temptation by throwing what small amount of clothes I had away. I don't know if it has really helped me or not as I still think about crossdressing.

Its like what a lot of people have mentioned above you have to accept what you do and what you are. By looking at a lot of the members posting styles you can tell they accept themselves for what they are and I guess start to have some fun with it.

I think if you accept it you may remove the guilt and then you can decide the way forward from there