A Sad Moment

[Girly Sara]

Hey girls!

Was watching an old holiday video from 2002 the other night. You maybe thinking "So what?!" However, 2002 was the year before 'Sara' came out to the world. What struck me was the fact that i looked so manly! Hairy body (YUK!) and thick eyebrows! (DOUBLE YUK!)

So you're thinking "So why's this a sad moment?" Well i feel like i've left Alan behind now. Of course i love my feminine side but it feels like 30 odd years of being Alan have gone forever. Although i'm not 24/7 as Sara, i can't relate to Alan although i live as him most of the time right now. Am i making sense or talking cr*p? (probably the latter!) Seriously, watching the holiday video was a real eye opener. Seeing how my feminine side is now being expressed, i.e. through thin, defined eyebrows, painted nails etc.

Do people understand where i'm coming from? Hope so. Makes me wonder how things will develop in the next few years? Only time will tell......

Sara xxxx

[Kieron Andrew]

im seeing double ...........

Alan is the creation of Sara and vice versa, so no matter what road you travel in some way your past and future will be interlinked......because without Alan, sara would not exist , so if you look at it that way the sad moment becomes a happy one

[Kelsy]

Hi Sara

I feel that the more acceptance I lend to my female side the more I leave a little of my male side behind. Sometimes I remember who I was and where I have been and realize that I really have become someone new and I wonder!
would it be possible to return to the person I was?? I find that time is like a river and if we wade out into it the current carries us down stream to places we have never been. I do long for the past at times but the unrevealed future around each bend draws me on! Such is life sweet, sad, wonderful!

Jennifer:be:

[Rachel Morley]

Am i making sense or talking cr*p? (probably the latter!)

Absolutely not! I completely understand where you're coming from. I only have to look at my wedding photos from only 4 years ago and I can see a difference in me. I, like you, have steadily and progressively feminized myself. I now have much thinner eyebrows, much longer nails painted shiny clear and sometimes pale pink. ....but it's my clothes that is the big thing. I used to compartmentalize my dressing. When I was en femme I wore women's clothes and when I was in guy mode I wore guy or unisex clothes, and never the two shall meet. Nowadays, I'm very much openly wearing fairly obvious girl's clothes in boy mode. "Blending" or partially dressing is the norm for me now. Am I sad about it?....in my case, no not at all. However, I do wonder where it's all going to lead, surely I can't be any more of a feminized male than I already am! I tend to think, if anything, it'll be more time dressed en femme.

[Girly Sara]

Thanks for your comments, girls and boys. although it would be nice to get more feedback.

Although i'm tinged with sadness of losing my male persona (more from a psychological perspective) i do feel a lot happier expressing my feminine side. It's as if i was previously trying too hard to portray what society expected me to be. Now, i feel more comfortable expressing 'Sara', even in my boring male persona. Don't get me wrong though as my deep set alpha male side retaliates with my femme side quite often. I get guilt pangs though where i feel i shouldn't be expressing my femininity and that i should be a man! I'm sure that a lot of us feel that.

Anyway, would like to hear more from people. Have a nice weekend!

Sara xxxx

[Shelly Preston]

I do think that most of us suffer from looking back
No matter if it male or female mode. We all make the best decision we can with the information available. Yes there are a lot of things I would change given the chance again. Even now some CD's struggle with guilt over dressing and will have regrets in the future. I just hope its not too many.

I hope you get over the guilt feelings as they dont help much

[Karen Edmonton]

It doesn't have to be a sad moment ! Think of the catipillar and the butterfly ! Do you think the butterfly is sad at the thought of what it was ? You are the beautiful butterfly , spread your wings and fly ! You wouldn't be who you are if it wasn't for who you were ! XXXX

[AnnaMaria]

Sara,

I do know how you feel to a great extent. Over the past two yrs I have watched as more and more of Brian has slipped away and at times it is very depressing. But then I start to think about the fact that everything that made Brian who he was had all been created as a protective image to hide the fact that I was actually very fem and didn't want anyone to know about the real me.

As I sit here thinking about all the things that I have done in the past just to keep up the appearence I realize that the harder I worked to bury who I really am the more that side of me faught to come to the surface. Now at almost 37ish I realize that if I had come to terms with it sooner I would have undoubtedly been a completely different person and I would probably not have met my wonderful wife or had our two great children which has become my sole reason for life at this point.

I have also realized that much of the public face that I created was to make my father proud of who I had become and not so much because of any real fear of being discovered. Which is something that I no longer have to worry about because of the fact that I lost my father on Nov 6 of this year and I am to some extent still reeling over the loss. He was a great man and a hugh influence in my life and all I wanted to do was to make him proud of me and the "man" that I had become. I will indeed miss him, but I realize that another chapter in my life has closed and it is time to start writing that next one.

I don't know what it will bring but I do know that I have to start working on a promise that I made to him before he passed. I have to return to school and finish my degree. I promised him that I would and I know that if I don't I will never forgive myself for breaking the one promise that I know was most important to him.

Anna

[Kate Simmons]

You make perfect sense, Sara. I know exactly where you are coming from. Keep in mind though that Alan is an essential part of you. That's one thing I realized in relation to being Ericka. Richard is an essential part of myself and together Ericka and Richard comprise my whole self. Ericka/Rich

[Lisa Golightly]

Did you ever see Ralph Bates in Dr Jeckyl and Sister Hyde? When I was 16 I thought of who I was in those terms... one or t'other... but it's not the case... In reality we borrow a set of clothes and behaviour patterns that society tells us to wear... You have only lost your shackles.

I guess having started at 16 means I didn't really get an established male persona... hey ho!

[Rachel Morley]

I get guilt pangs though where i feel i shouldn't be expressing my femininity and that i should be a man! I'm sure that a lot of us feel that.

I'm not like this nowadays but I used to be real bad in the past. I used to tell myself that what I was doing "wasn't normal behavior for a guy" or that "I shouldn't be fanning the flames".

For me, all that changed when I met my wife. She has encouraged me to accept that I am different from other guys, and that it's ok for me to want to feel pretty sometimes. In our society we are supposed to fit into one of two boxes...a masculine one or a feminine one. It's generally not accepted for a guy to want to sometimes (or to some extent, all the time) want to have one foot in the feminine box. If a woman puts on overalls and fixes the car, people think nothing of it. If a guy puts on a dress and bakes a cake people think he's weird (or worse). Feeling bad about being different is just peer pressure... that's all.

[SherriePall]

Sara -- When I look or think back, I don't think about the fact that I seem to be leaving the male me somewhere in the past. I think instead about why it took me so long to start doing it. I think about all the lost time Sherrie could have been spending doing those things she has found she likes to do.
I do not mourn the fact that I don't do some of the male things I never liked doing anyway. Those things which I somehow felt out of place doing. Now, I embrace Sherrie as much as I can whether I'm enfemme or drab.