Advice Please

[Danielle2]

First let me apoligize for a lenghty post but I just have to get it all out. Secondly let me say that I love my wife dearly and it would devistate me to lose her. I have been a member of this forum for several months now and am an avid reader. It appears there are many accepting or at least tolerate GGs on the forum. This is absolutely not the case with my wife. She has known about my CD activities for many years but she absolutely does not approve. In fact she hates to even think about it.

I have tried to be honest with her and tried to convey my feelings but she either does not want to hear it or I am not able to verbalize the fact that I can't control the desires to dress. Each time she discovers some aspect of my dressing, she becomes extremely upset and insists that I am a some type of pervert with non christian values. I become very depressed because I have upset her but I cannot promise that I will not dress again because I know that I have been through too many purging cycles only to find myself replinishing my clothes and makeup. She often expresses her feelings that if I knew of my desire prior to our marriage (and I did) that I should not have married her. Maybe she is right, I do not know.

I am currently in the twilight years of my life and I have to make a decision whether to fullfill my lifelong desires or continue to suppress them in order to maintain my cherished marriage. I would absolutely love for her to participate in my dressing but I know that will never happen. No she has never seen me dressed nor would I ask her to. I realize that I sound selfish therefore any advice would be very much appreciated.

Thank You in advance for any comments
Danielle2

[Kandi]

I can understand how you must feel. My wife at first wanted no part of my wearing femme clothes much less me talking about it. I am sure this is all new to her, give her time show her you love her and hopefully she will come around in time. Best of Luck!

[Rachel R]

Wow. I cannot say I have ever been in that position, so I have no advice. I can offer you a warm and pray it will work out for the best.

[Dixie Darling]

Danielle2,

If it's any consolation to you, you're not the only one in this boat. My wife is essentially the same as yours and I have been able to do little, if anything, to change her perception of what crossdressing actually is. I've been called the same names that you probably have and falsely accused of a lot of things which are simply not true. My wife has even gone as far as letting me know in no uncertain terms that she doesn't want to talk about it any more and doesn't want to see any more documentation of any type about it. With the single exception of some "Devine Intervention" I've all but given up on her ever becoming (at the very least) tolerant - let alone accepting.

However, your wife may not have reached a point where she isn't willing to at least READ some information available to her, and if this is the case there is a possibility that some of the information on my web site might be of benefit. There is material there which is directed primarily towards the wives of crossdressers as well as material that is directed to the crossdresser himself. If you can get her to look at it, just MAYBE it could turn on a footlight in an otherwise dark place for her.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Scotty]

Each time she discovers some aspect of my dressing, she becomes extremely upset and insists that I am a some type of pervert with non christian values.

I can only say that I hope it works out for the best.

I DO consider myself a Christian, an open minded one...

The catholic church made a big stink about how John the Baptist was a CD and that was NOT Mary Magdalen (sp?) - so that being the case, why is that being thrown against you?

Someone else posted a statement out of the bible about dressing....

Seems to me Jesus loves everybody and only asks the same in return.

I do not like religion being thrown at anybody, good or bad and/or for any reason.......so I guess I take offense at her statement and I apolagize for my bias.......

But that being said, statements like that "Generally" (Not always) show a very hard brick wall that you are going up against.

Again I hope it works out for the best, I know a lot of you are in that boat and I truly feel for you.....in one sense you have the happiest life with someone you love, and in the other sense it's like you are in prison.

Me, I'm single, and it can be pretty lonely and the dressing part well, I can do that any time I want and thus I don't most times except to be comfortable....But then I'm missing something you all have and enjoy...

Those are things to think about, compromise sounds like a good thing here!!

[Danielle2]

Scottie,
I have a tendancie to agree, I think if an almighty being such as god had wanted us to be different he would have made us so. Therefore if we like to dress it must me his deisre.

[Marianna]

I don't know if this will help but here is my wifes post:

Waiting for him to say something

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My SO and I have been together since February 1989. We met in of all things Boy Scouts. He was a young (5 yrs my junior) and gorgeous and coming out of a very bad relationship. We were friends and co-volunteers. This then turned into other feelings. Within a month we were living together. My children as young as 8 (4 - 2 boys, 2 girls) were happy. We moved and re-located to California. When I met him, he seemed so shy and demure. He had feminine body language, which I sort of suspected were underlying behaviors to something more. I figured if he wanted to, he'd tell me if he was bi or CD. 17 yrs passed and he finally came out. He tells me as I'm driving us home from work that he is a CD. Probably thinking if my hands are on the steering wheel, I won't do anything drastic. I asked him what he meant, and he said he prefers to wear women's clothes. That while I was out shopping or running errands, he's at home wearing my clothes. I thought that kind of odd, since I'm a voluptuous 250, compared to his 150. He's literally swimming in my clothes. In the long run, I understood and have since the day he told me. I couldn't logically see any difference from the person I fell in love with, to the person who said he was CD. Everything about him I fell in love with - EVERYTHING. He's that kind of person if you weren't in love with him, you would include him in your life as a good friend. He's that sweet, kind, caring - the usual - pardon the pun - Boy Scout material. The difference is that when he asks to buy things, it's usually nylons, pierced ear rings, average 16 jeans, or changing colors in his wardrobe. We also still sit around on Sundays to watch football, or talk about the new Shelby GT. Out oldest and youngest (both from my previous marriage) daughters know and understand. When we shop, they come along and act as models for him. This way other women in the same clothes area think we're shopping for my daughters. No one bothers us. He and the girls are the same size. So when I want to buy something special for him, I take the girls and we come home with perfect fits. This acceptance has truly helped him to accept his CD and to work with it and us. We want him to be happy - not stay in the closet for the rest of his life. That's all for now.

__________________________________________________ _____________
My wife is very loving and kind. Maybe you can copy her post, print it and share it with your S/O. I hope this is some comfort and help. In addition she was raised and still is Catholic and so am I. We believe that God allows to be who and what we are.

[Tee]

2 years ago, i was out when my SO found bras in my bag.
she was very upset, and i did not tell her the full story, because i didn't know what is CD and why i was who i am.

i promised her to visit a psyciatrist, and she went with me for a couple of sessions. the theraphy did work and my desires went away.(not that i am suggesting anything you can do or should),

personally i was relieved, because CDing was taking too much energy away from other parts of my life.

last week, i told her that the condition i had, will never go away. she was shocked and very upset. she thought that the theraphy will solve the problem once and for all. she says if i were to do it again, she would like to have a divorce. it really upset me so much. i was grumpy the next few days.

i had gotten over it, and when i look at her this morning, i still love her very much. she is always so pretty in my eyes, and i do look forward to build a better life with her.

maybe some years in the future, things might be different.
i hope my sharing helps.

[donna h]

I can see how you feel. Didnt tell my wife and was caught a couple times. We had some really good talks about this earlier this year and seemed to make some headway,thanx to some of what Dixie Darlings website said,try Geocities like she said, it is good info. Unfortanely for me we have reached an impasse, which is basically no talk at all.Good luck.

[Kathryn Philips]

My story is similar to yours. My wife will probably never accept or permit this aspect of me. I also get depresed about this but soon get over it. Just the thought know that inside I feel like a woman even if I cannot by means of dressing this is enough to lift me. Sometimes I do think, "to hell with my 12yr marriage, I would like to be able to spend a part of my time as a woman". But I dont want to end my marriage or give up family life and fear consecuences beyond my own home (ie work, parents, friends). I therefore know exactly what you feel and like you and me there must be many others. But really, I will only ever be truly happy when I can be Kattie for real. I really hope you are able to find your own true happiness which I suspect is very similar to mine.

[Danielle2]

I too have been told that I need to visist a consuler but my understanding is most do not understand (or care to) our desires. My wife insists she needs to have somone to talk to (not me) about my desires. How can we please the one we lovue?

[EricaCD]

Realistically, of course, it is unlikely that your wife will come to a level of acceptance that involves participating in--or even observing--your dressing. And it may be the case that she is simply unable to come to any degree of acceptance. In that instance, I think you should be honest with her - this is never going to go away, though you can minimize her contact with your crossdressing side. If she is fundamentally unable to live with a crossdressing spouse, you should see a marriage counselor. If that does not help, then unfortunately there is not a hell of a lot in the way of alternatives...but at least you will know you did everything possible.

Erica

[Calliope]

[...] Each time she discovers some aspect of my dressing, she becomes extremely upset and insists that I am a some type of pervert with non christian values. [...] I am currently in the twilight years of my life and I have to make a decision whether to fullfill my lifelong desires or continue to suppress them in order to maintain my cherished marriage.

You have choices ahead of you. (1) Divorce, (2) dressing as you please, (3) dressing in the closet while maintaining your marriage - with the possibility she'll find out and turn the screws to you, and, finally, (4) stop dressing. Without knowing the economic situation between you and your SO, it's not really possible to offer any useful advice outside those generalities. Good luck.

[Missy Anne]

If her only objection is a religious one, there have been quite a few analyses of the source of the percieved prohibition which pretty much put the issue to rest. If you need it, I think it was referred to here at one time and should be east to search for. Use the key word "Deuteronomy".

Of course, if her mind is made up, then that is a problem.

Missy Anne

[Sharona GG]

Hi Danielle2,
Sorry I can't really offer you advice.
Although I do accept Sarahs CDing, joining this forum has helped me in so many ways. Maybe you could ask her to read some of the threads just to let her know that you are not a 'pervert' and that there are plenty of others who feel the way you do
I wish you luck and hope that you and your wife work this situation out.

Love Sharona

[Danielle2]

I would like to thank everone for the replies. I am trying to digest all the suggestions. While I hate the thought of divorce, being outed with disgust, or stopping, I have to make a decision to fullfill my dreams. I still cannot make that decision but I do love all of you for your concerns.

Danille2

[Charleen]

Hence I was in the closet for 30 years until my wife passed last year. For me, she was more important then wearing a dess whenever I wanted. But that is just me. Wish you well. Love and xxxx, Lily

[Sweet Jane]

Hi

I can't really help you other than to say good luck.

From what I know of life, if someone thinks a certain activity is sick and perverted, then there is no common ground. I think some activities that consenting and presumably sane adults perform are sick and perverted, and no one will convince me otherwise, therefore if your wife is coming from that point of view it will be hard work.

I suppose posts like this are why I am terrified to tell my wife about the full extent of my dressing..I have often wondered if I should leave a photo lying around where she will find it and let the cards fall where they will. I think she is a broad minded and loving person.....but then again????

[Lawren]

For me there would be the third choice. Purge and quit forever. "The Love of my Life" is infinitely more important than clothes. If Kerry ever asks me to quit CDing I will because she means so much more to me than a mere wardrobe. Amor Conquista Todo, "Love Conquers All". Even an addiction to CDing.

[DonnaT]

http://members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/tgfgnl.html is an evangelical christian newsletter for crossdressers, transgendered and transsexuals.

I told my wife that I love her, but having tried before, can't quit CDing, and that if she wanted to end the marriage, that was up to her, but I'd still love her no matter what. We're still together after 31 yrs.

[AnnaMaria]

Actually there is only one verse in the bible that I am aware of which speaks about a person wearing the opposite sex’s clothing. It is in Deuteronomy ch 22 vs 5 and it reads and without a doubt is says in no uncertain terms what is right and wrong. 5: The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God. But, what most people who refer to this passage don’t want you to know is that this passage comes from the book of the law that even the Jewish Rabbi’s say applies only to the Jewish people themselves because it is a part of the laws that set up the kosher lifestyle. And, if one reads a little further in the chapter you will find that there are several laws there which modern society in no way follows and no one says a word about that. Such as:
11: Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together.



That is all I will say about religion because it is a sore spot with me due to the fact that my wife tried to use that one on me once. We did not fight about it I simply explained my position on the subject and let it drop, but, I still have a sore spot as a result.

When it comes to advice as to what to do about how your wife feels about the situation. I would have to say that it sounds to me like she will never change her attitude toward who and you are. It sounds to me as if she is set in her ways and has no interest or desire to change even if it means giving up the life that she has spent so long living. My personal opinion is that you should put it all on the table to her and let her make the decision herself. “This is who and what I am and I can’t change that fact no matter what I do. I have to be true to myself, even if it means loosing you in the process. I don’t want to but, if that is what you want then I won’t fight you about it. But make up your mind and let me know what you want to do because I or we have to move forward with life either way.”

Now understand that I hate the idea of suggesting the “ D” word but, in some cases that is the only course of action that will work. I hope that this is not the case for you but if it is then just keep in mind that we are here for you any time you need to talk or a shoulder to cry on. The most important thing to remember is that our creator made us this way for a reason and while I don’t clam to know why I do believe that with all my heart. So looking at the situation from that light we can only deduce that by not being true to our own nature we are actually committing a sin against nature in the very act.

Ultimately it’s your life whether good or bad and you have to chose to make the best of it in the way that you see is best for you and yes that sometimes means ignoring what those around you want of you.

Good luck

Anna

[Shadeauxmarie]

I understand completely. I have had very much the same experience. My problem stems from the fact I crossdressed for YEARS before I met my wife. I also knew if I told her, she would have left before we got married. I know I sould have told her before we married, but now after 23 years of marriage and 38 years of crossdressing, innumerable purges, guilt, etc, she can't understand why I can't quit. I told her that I imagine quitting smoking would be FAR easier. For me.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Boy I can relate all too well....wife found out a year ago and it was nuclear..."quit or get out"......bottom line is we are finally divorcing. Life goes on somehow, and because we are tough old gals we survive.

You have my prayers hun.

Emily Ann

[Kerry Owens]

Lawren's reply stunned me....and just a note, in no way or ever will I want Lawren to change that precious person that he is on any mere whim of mine.
No way, Lawren is too rare, sweet and one in a million.
I think I'm a very lucky GG, and I'm not unaware of it.

[Sheila]

Lawren,

I don't think you need have worries on that score Kerry loves you as you are completely (well it comes across to me that way)

Kerry,

you two have something great there hold onto it with gentleness and nurture it

for both of you


Jess