what would u choose ?

[Debb]

(can't seem to quit staring at the tube-top bouncy girl avatar)

... must concentrate ...

Ericka/Rich, I feel that you've hit it on the head.

It is so damn hard to begin to express one's feelings when one has grown up being expected not to have any. My wife has caught me crying at the end of movies, etc, and I always turn my head away in shame, afraid to be "caught" having feelings, let alone allowing the tears to fall.

That said, I would probably outwardly "give up the crossdressing", maybe even publicly purge .. and eventually I would drift back, but go deep into the closet. And we all know how that works out.

[Veronica E. Scott]

due to events happening in my own life, im wondering what u all would do if it came between ur SO and the c/d ? which is more important to u as in if ur SO turned round and said "what is more important to u right now ? our relatinshiop, or the c/d. which do u love more ? "
i understand its something u carnt just give up, but what would u do ?

What I did was tell my wife that I loved her more than anything and that in all honesty I could not change the person that I am it is a very real part of what makes up who I am. On the 30th of october my wife moved out she said that she could not live with it any longer so she moved in with some friends from church.You have to be honest with her and yourself if the other person can't handle it or can't live with it then they have to do what ever makes them happy living with there decision is not always easy.

[samantha78]

I would try my best to give up cding. A loving relationship is hard to find.

I already told my fiancee that if it were to come down to my cding and her I would get rid of every thing and keep her. She is much more important to me! That should be a no brainer question!!!

[davorra]

If you need to dress then you need to dress. It is up to you to make the decision to be able to dress or continue with the relationship.

[Sharon]

I have to wonder whether most of those who replied that they would give up crossdressing for their SO, really mean it. It's all well and good, and admirable also, to give up something you love for a wife(or girlfriend, husband, or boyfriend), but I suspect that most would simply hide their dressing rather than discontinue it.

If a SO is adamant about you giving up crossdressing, you have to ask why. Is it ignorance of what crossdressing is and isn't? Is it because they are more afraid of other's reactions if it was to become known than they are of your needs and desires? It seems to me that if a SO says "either/or," then they place their own needs above yours.

This isn't to say that we shouldn't be willing to come to some sort of compromise with our SO's, but compromise works best when both parties do so. If a spouse says no -- with no ifs, ands, or buts -- then I have to wonder just how much does he or she really love me.

[BREE GG]

well being a GG myself, I feel for you & your spouse.

I know that for me I could never ask my spouse to give it up.
It is a part of who he is, I married him for better or worse.

But sometimes you have have to try and put yourself in the other persons shoes. No pun intended!

You will never fully understand what they feel but you can do your best to try and understand, If you feel that you cant accept them for who they are then the relationship will most likely never survive.
You cant change the person or their feelings they are who they are.

Its not easy but a little part of us just wants to understand more or sometimes try to change that person, but we cant so we sit ourselfs down and ask the big question that huants us.

Can I Accept this ?
Its not an easy question to answer but if you look deep within yourself you may find the answer that your looking for.

I know im pretty much saying the same as everyone else, but you know deep in your heart the right thing to do.

Bree GG

[Marla S]

... if ur SO turned round and said "what is more important to u right now ? our relatinshiop, or the c/d. which do u love more ? "

Given that the emotions linked to CDing are an essential part of ones life, this question would make me think about leaving.

What's more important to you ?

Lack of acceptance or your relationship ?

(Compromises are probably nececessary, but denying CDing ... no way)

[Nigella]

I honestly don't think I would ever have to make that choice. The decision to spend the rest of our lives together, with all that we are was made years ago.

Sandra knows that Nigella is me, not just a part of me, but ME. She found it difficult in the begining, we worked at it, and are now very happy in the life we both live.

Should push come to shove and a choice had to be made, of course Sandra would win, no matter how hard it was on me, she is more important to me than my own life.

I once said to Sandra, "if you found someone else, I would not stop you leaving, it would be obvious I had not done enough to keep you". Believe me I would try to persuade her, but if it was her choice, then she could leave, with my blessing and no hard feelings. Her happiness is all that matters.

[Gails]

Why is that the man has to give up everything? I have been cding all my life and have no intention of stoping. Is really love when one person does all the giving.
My past wife knew of my crossdressing before we were married, I would often wear her panties. After we got married, she provided me with nylons, garter belts, silk, satin or nylon panties and long satin gowns, ladies stretch pants, silkey blouses and hi heels. We were married 30 years before she passed away with cancer.
My present wife an I have been married 17 years and on our wedding night she gave me several pairs of crotchless panties that she got as gifts. She said that I can wear what I like as long as I can provide love session as I can (can make her have multiple orgasims) We are both in our 70 s.
Think about the word LOVE, it is not all sex.

[Kate Simmons]

That's the way my wife is Sharon. She'd rather "hide" in Florida taking care of her Mom than face the issues here. For whatever reason, she just cannot bring herself to acknowledge my Ericka persona. I guess she thinks she will lose part of her own identity if she does that. She is stubborn about it, so who's being the "man" here really? Still, I'm of the disposition if she at least acknowledged my feelings in that respect, I would put Ericka on the "shelf" for good. You all know I have the resolve to do it but if I do it, I want to do it because I want to, not because I HAVE to. It's kind of like a "battle of wits" or a "staring contest". Who's going to give in first? I would of course but because I know I would win and not lose no matter what I did. It would only mean something, however, if she knows I did it because I wanted to and because I wanted to be with her. I've always been one to challenge the "rules" of things. As long as something is valid and meaningful, I'll acede. If something is simply based on tradition or consenus, I need to see it validated before I will accept it. The "proof is in the pudding" so to speak. Anyway, you bring up a good point. If someone gives in and sacrifices something as valuable as their identity, you have to ask yourself what the motive is and what could be possibly coming next. While the feelings issue is valid, it's important that both parties know exactly what is to be expected in regard to each other. Ericka/Rich

[Rachel Morley]

For me this is a hypothetical situation because my wife looked to date a cder before she met me. She actually likes my dressing and wants to be a in a relationship with a guy who likes to present as feminine. But before we got together we did talk about everything, and this type of subject was discussed. At the time I said to her "I love my girlfriend for her first.....not her clothes" and of course this is still true.

But..If I was in a scenario like the one you describe I'd like to think that I could curtail my dressing, not give it up, but come to a compromise. I have to say though, that my main focus would be want to find the root cause of why my SO was so dead set against it that she was issuing me with an ultimatum, and was willing to throw away a relationship because of it. That kind of action would probably mean it wasn't just the clothes. It would probably make me think she was scared about other things, like what it might lead to. Going out in public, what the neighbors might think, hormones, spending all the household budget on clothes, what if the family found out?, seeing other men, etc etc....whatever it was that she really feared is what I would want to talk about.

It's a two way street. It seems to me there would be something that is not the dressing in the clothes that would be the real problem. ...that is, unless she was the sort of SO who really liked the big, tough guy, hairy, macho type of a man, and that to see him wearing women's clothes would be a big turn off for her. But if that were the case, she wouldn't be with me in the first place, because I'm the complete opposite of that. Like I said, it's a hypothetical situation.

[Sweet Jane]

Hi

Relationship or crossdressing, one has to go...

How could I choose?? Yes I can stop crossdressing, for a while, and if the urge to dress goes, then that "while" may be years...but...all of my life I have felt that I don't control my crossdressing, it has always controled me. I might just as easily say to save my marriage that I won't eat...yes I can do that for a while too, but when the urge hits hard, I'll eat.

I honestly believe that this is in my genetic make up...something sort of snaps in my head and here I am looking like a lady, and yes, that is wierd behaviour, I know its odd, it embarrasses me, at times grosses me out and yet I continue to do it.

So choose you say...If I was told to dump all crossdressing for my spouse then that's what I would do, but I know that "never is a long time". Probably too long.

[GG Vanya]

From my perspective, it isn't actually the "being" a CD that causes SO's all the problems. I've seen it happen time and again that the core personality of the CD gives the SO reason to want it all to go away.

1. Selfishness
2. Temper tantrums when things don't go their way and they can't dress.
3. No self control when it comes to shopping for their femme self.


I could list more, but I'm sure you get the idea.

So, for the SO, even if she gave this ultimatum and the CD chose her over it, I really don't think it would solve all their problems.

I think being a crossdresser magnifies underlying personality traits. If a CD is, at heart, a giving and loving man, he will be more so when expressing his feminine side. If he is an immature selfish boor well, that's gonna come out in spades when he breaks down the closet door.

In summation, it's not what a CD *does* so much as who they *are*.

[Jena11]

Well, My wife of 7 years tried to make me promise I would not cross dress at all or ever again. I did my best to try but I was not completely successful and she could not deal with it any more. She left, I did everything she asked and still could not make her happy. I think the answer is that no matter how much you love you SO you may not be able to live with yourself in put in the sitution.

[BobbieCD1944]

1st a little background. I'll be 62 in a few days. I'm retired military. Was married for close to 30 years. Raised 3 great kids. Left Calif earlier this year for the PNW. I live alone. I married at 22. Early in the marriage I mentioned my crossdressing. Overtime also talked about kinky things. The conversations were on the lite side, I somehow knew not to overwhelm her. There was no real acceptance or rejection. I did my thing when she was gone or I was away traveling. During the last few years of our marriage we grew apart, separated and later divorced. It had little to do with my crossdressing or kinks. She left. We are still friends. After she left, I started checking out the kink community in the SF Bay area. Became involved and had an outlet for my dressing and other things.

During the past 16 or so years, here is the one thing I am convinced about myself. I will not get into a relationship with any GG that does not know who and what I am, who will not support or participate. If and when I get into a relationship, there will be one very hard limit established. If she wakes up some morning thinking all that we are or have done is evil and a sin, I am voting with my feet. I'll be gone. That will be a two way thing. I'd expect her to be gone, should I change that drastically.

That may sound very selfish. I don't think so. There is not a doubt oin my mind, that if she gave me an ultimatum, that I may box up all my leather and lace, be a good boy for awhile, then, the needs would return, and I'd be doing it all behind her back. That would not be a good thing. I know me. It's part of who I am. It isn't going to go away.

[Honey Lynn]

I'd try to give the cding up but if that didn't work I'd have to search for a more understanding SO

[linnea]

Well, as some others have said, a good relationship is hard to find. I've got one, so if it came to that choice, I'd have to try to give up CDing. However, I would also try to determine, as at least one other said, what is really bothering my wife. In other words, I would try to win back my CDing if possible. Since my wife doesn't know that I crossdress, I live in fear that this actually might happen: she finds out and insists that I stop or lose her.

[JulieCDorlando]

Hello,
I would give my CDing up without so much of a second thought, should the one I truely love would want that from me. I actually did give up my CDing up early in my life for quite a number of years. And for the right person I would certainly try to do that again, or in the very least curtail the activities of it more, to certain and mutally acceptable times for it. My past experiences has led me to the understanding that CDing is something not easily given up. CDing seems to always find its way back to the one that swears it off for good. It can be quiet a struggle for a CD both FTM,MTF to surrender a part of themselves that they feel who they truely are. CDing at least from a MTF side of it also is a selfish activity. To have new found freedom after acceptance from a spouse or SO doesn't entitle a CD to go out and do all sorts of unacceptable activities, not acceptable by a spouse/SO. Sadly though this is the case by far and large. CD's for the most part do have a selfish side to them. I admit that I was very selfish back when I was young, and since I have matured more now, I am much more attentive, caring, considerate, kind, affectionate, no matter whether I am in a dress or mens clothing. My CDing has brought out a few of the better qualities of my personality now, more so than before I began my CDing.
There are a few draw backs to CDing, just as there are some draw backs to non CD's. All of us no matter whether you are male, female, FTM, or MTF, all of us have draw backs. It is because we are human. No one is perfect.
If there where such a thing as a perfect world where acceptance, tolerance, forgiveness, intergrity, honesty, decentcy, compassion would be more expected/demanded from all of us towards our fellow human beings, then placing a demand on someone to conform to some one elses idea of a perfect companion would not have to be so.
This is merely an opinion of mine only, with drawn from a few experiences and observances from my own past.

[kellylynn_31]

I am inspired by the comments. In am also blessed with a loving and understanding wife of 16 years. I would do my best to stop and not damage a great friendship. The truly fortunate thing is she accepts me for me and provides the best love imaginable. The unconditional kind.


Kelly

[Rachel Morley]

I think being a crossdresser magnifies underlying personality traits. If a CD is, at heart, a giving and loving man, he will be more so when expressing his feminine side. If he is an immature selfish boor well, that's gonna come out in spades when he breaks down the closet door.

hear! hear! ....I don't think it's the cding per se.

[Deborah_UK]

Its so easy to say - yes I'd give up in a heartbeat. If that was the case why are there so many damaged/destroyed relationships because of crossdressing?

Wake up and smell the coffee.

It like the Christmas saying - a dog is for life not just Christmas

Well crossdressing/transgenderism is for life - not just until your SO/wife/girlfriend says enough is enough.

Anyone who says differently is, sadly, deluding themselves.


Stands back awaiting the flames! - but be really honest with yourself - you could no more quit CDing than breathing.

If you could give up - don't you think you would have done by now? It would have saved so much angst.

[Kimberley]

I can say this from facing that very scenario. I gave up, or tried to. I lasted 5 years. It was 5 years of chronic depression and one suicide attempt and a nervous breakdown. Today I am back in the closet, seriously medicated, in therapy, and unable to hold a full time job. Is it worth it? You tell me.

If the question arises again, it will be turned around. "What is more important to you, my mental health and happiness or our relationship?" I can accommodate her not wanting to be a part of this but I cant live a lie.

So to say I dont care about our relationship would be dead wrong but having come through and still having to live with the problems, it is no contest. The relationship will have to go. I will be better off happy than in constant misery.

It cant be a relationship where one "partner" controls or where one person cannot be themselves. The irony of it all is that many of our feminine attributes are what attracted our wives in the first place.

Sorry if this isnt the answer you were hoping for but it is reality...mine.

Kimberley

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

first of all, sorry i didnt reply straight away. havent had such a good w/e but iam really impressed by all ur reactions/comments to my thread. also iam more so surprised how most of u would be willing to give up the c/d for ur SO's ( if asked ). i really do understand how hard it would be for alot of c/d, but the fact that ur willing to forefit it WOW !! u have given me some faith back now. there was me thinking it was a loosing battle, but.....theres sum scope for comprimises maybe in relationships with c/d. its just a matter of finding right balance
"thank you all again" for ur input

[Michellebej]

Wicked,

I guess I would have to ask a couple of questions first.

The first being; "Is this forever, or; do you just need some breathing space?"

If it is just some space to collect yourself, and/or to sort things out, then yes, I would stop what I was doing. I did once for year, just for those reasons.

If it were the former, then the answer would be "no". A sad "no" ,but; "No" just the same.

The reason is that she is telling me that she does not Love me. She may think she does, but; in reality she only loves those parts of me that appeal to her.

And; without total and complete Love there is no relationship.

I had a wife that totally controled my dressing. She shaped my, or tried to shape my feminine personality. And; when she got it to where she wanted it, she became scared of those things that had been revealed within herself.

Ultimately the marriage broke up. She married a "vanillia" ( her words) man, and is now, ten years later, miserable and severly depressed and overwieght ( like way over 200 poulds; at 5-2).

Love

Michele

[DonnaT]

My wife has asked me that several times, and my answer is always "She's more important." However, I always follow up with "But you know good and well I can't quit, and I'm not going back in the closet." I then let her figure out what she wants to do.