Privacy again - Found out?

[Trina82]

Since the last privacy bout, I've moved my stash. This time, I had it all packed in an old duffel bag and stuffed way under my bed.

Because some important paperwork came up missing yesterday, my parents decided that I had it all. I assured them that I did not, but they still seemed to think that I did. Without respecting my privacy, or asking if they could come look for it in my many stacks of paperwork, they just came into my room and started snooping.

I basically tore my bedroom completely apart last night, trying to find the paperwork, but found nothing. I stuffed the duffel bag back under my bed, right in the corner, behind some storage containers, and made sure it wouldn't draw attention. Tonight, when I got home from work, my dad says to me, "I went through your room today, everywhere that I could, but didn't find the paperwork..." Well duh. Panic set in, though.

Since the last little issue, I decided to go ahead with the letter thing. I hashed it all out on two pages and put it right on top of everything in the duffel bag. I wanted to cover my hind end, just in case the privacy dwindled farther towards extinction.

Since I got home this evening, my parents have both been kinda distant, but they've not shunned me by any means. Neither has said anything about it, and they've been normal otherwise. The stacks of papers that I had scattered around my bedroom have been arranged into what appear to be sorted stacks on my bed, and the duffel bag has been pulled out from behind the storage containers, to the front. I've yet to open it up and see if anything has been disturbed, but nothing really appears as though it may have been.

I'm working on finding a job in a different city right now, and I'm really hoping that it all goes through. My lack of privacy is downright infuriating, and I can't believe that they would go as far as they have.

Some of you have suggested getting a lock for my door. Bad idea. Then they'll know I'm trying to hide something. Other's have suggested being right upfront with them. Again, bad idea. They're not open-minded by any stretch of the imagination.

You know, honestly, I'm getting really bored with my "hobby". It does nothing for me anymore. I'm toying with the idea of trashing/selling/giving away my "stash". I just can't fathom being able to comfortably take it any further.

I'm just so utterly confused right now. Bleh.

[bianncats]

somedays it does something and others im'm not interested either...i would just put the stuff aside and call on it again when you are ready...you don't have to dress everyday.

[Trina82]

Thing is, I've not worn any of it in over a month, and I have no desire to do so either! That's all aside from my worries that my personal secrets and stuff aren't really so personal, not in this house...

[bianncats]

and then i decided that she wasn't here so i went for it. two weeks ago i didn't come to the site for a week...sometimes it just isn't there

privacy...it sounds like they know so don't flaunt it but go ahead and dress when the time becomes right for you again. they found your stuff and you survived...that's a huge step toward acceptance. knowledge an d yet there is love. the perfect combination.

b

[Blonde]

Trina, I wish you luck in quitting, but if you've been reading these forums, you might see a certain pattern forming amoung us CDs.... It's called "purging and binging", which can get quite expensive.
Pesonally I would recomend just stashing your stuff. Your current "lack of desire" to wear it right now is probably rooted in this current crisis, and once on your own, when the threat is no longer there, you will probably "kick yourself in the butt" if you purge your collection. I once went over 3 years without dressing, but one day the urge returned.

[Trina82]

I just had a chance to inspect my duffel bag, and someone was most definitely in there. The note that I left was just pushed aside and everything else looked like it had been pulled out and put back in. Maybe they had been snooping before, came to terms with it, and this particular event had zero impact on anything. One can always hope.

I still think I'm going to (somehow) dispose of my undergarments and such. The lack of interest I have in them and the stress involved in this privacy crap is just too unbearable. I may come back to it all at a later point in life, but it's just not at all of any interest to me anymore. I've begun to question my own sanity, as of late, due to my reasons for dressing. No, not in the joking sense; I just feel unhealthy in my emotions and such, and I can't answer any of the questions that I - or anyone else for that matter - would have about purpose.

Is it sexual? No.
Is it for curiousity? No.
Is it for physical comfort? No.
Is it for emotional comfort? No.
Is it a carnal desire? No.
Is it some sort of vengence? No.

There's no point to any of it. I am wasting time and money on this "hobby", and there's no positive outcome. I'm not addicted, either: I've not had any desire or need to wear a bra in a long time.

I think this may be the end of "Trina". I'm sure I'll keep the account here and post once in a while, but I really don't see myself going any further with this little interest.

[Cristi]

I think I went through just about the same thing you did when I was 20-22 years old. I was still living with my parents and had my 'stash' stuffed in an old canvas bag (actually a U.S. Postal mail bag) under my bed.

I, also, had a few times when one or more of my parents MUST have found my things, but we were all very good about not talking about things. Looking back at it now from 20 years further down the road, I think it would have been better all around to just get everything out in the open. I think, after a while, I WANTED to get caught just so I could stop hiding.

My dad finally confronted me once, but it was a one-sided conversation where he told me how 'disapointed' he was in me and told me to never do 'it' again. I wish I had had the self confidence back then to engage him in conversation and try to talk about things.

So finally, I came to the same point you sound like you are at now. 'Is it really worth it', 'why do I even do this when I don't really even enjoy it anymore'.

I don't know what changed, or really even how long that period lasted... but I can tell you that it DID come back. It was slow, first I started thinking about dressing again, then picked up a few items of clothing. Eventually I was right back where I started.

After reading all this, wouldn't it be good if I could pass along some sage advice? Well, I don't think there is such a thing . All I can say is, you have to do what feels right to you right now, but don't fool yourself into thinking that is is all over. From all I've read, there is no 'cure' for crossdressing and it just doesn't spontaneously 'go away' on its own.

If you feel you need to walk away from it for a while, do it (I did it simply by taking my canvas bag to a roadside trash bin late and night one time when I though I was through with dressing). But if you have any really nice things you might find yourself kicking yourself later about throwing away, do your future self a favor and stash them away someplace safe.

You have one great resource I didn't have... this site. Keep in touch here and I'm sure things will eventually work out fine.

[cdjenny]

i went through it a couple of times..twice i through out my things...boy was i wrong in doing that..actually it was 4 times...2 of them was due to me moving to different cities..and just could not make it back in time to get my things before the cleanng people came in and tossed them for me..the other two was my fault...i to thought i was through...but i am not...we are never through with it..i dont believe that there is any one person who has ever put it down and never came back to it...so plzzz take our advice..keep your stuff..but if you fell you must get rid of them send them to me i will keep them safe for you...then you can retreave them when the need arrises..i also think that we all go through this thing every once and awhile. but we do keep comming right back to it time and time again..so the best advice i can give is this. keep your things, tell your parents that u do dress..i know you say they are not open minded..but tell them anyway..open their eyes for them..and for you..and who knows if you tekk them they just might not like it to the point that they want go into your room cause of what they might find..then again they just might suprise you and be on your side with it..but only you can find that out..by telling them..

[Trina82]

Cristi: Very similar situation, but yet so different. I have never felt the desire to "get caught", and my dad has never confronted me about it. I am thankful for the resource of this forum, too. No need for a "cure" either; It's just a phase for me, I think.

Jenny: There's nowhere I could keep anything right now that someone wouldn't find. If I dug a hole in the back yard, lined it with 4" thick plate steel, and locked it down with 47 "Master" padlocks, someone would still find whatever I put in there. If you're wanting my things, I'd be willing to send them your way, but I'll have to figure out how to go about it.

That whole "privacy" thing is out of whack. I can't get a package in the mail without anyone shoving their nose in it to see what's going on. If I get a letter, everyone has to know what it says. Phone calls are just as bad. There's no way I could just up and walk out the house with a duffel bag over my shoulder, without someone asking, "What's in that?" By this point, they'll already know what's in it, which would make it that much more difficult.

I've written a second note to put in the bag, essentialy pointing out that my privacy has been severely violated and that if they're reading the note, they've pretty much been caught. I've also outlined various crucial points about the whole thing, and explained my stance on it all. I hope they'll realize what's up when they read this next note, which they undoubtedly will very soon. I need my privacy.

[Melissa Ryan]

You are angry, thats fair. Aside from them looking and finding nothing they are looking for, they havnt as yet given you grief. So I guess what you are really saying is that you want to purge? If you do want that to end your phase, then by all means go ahead and do that. I have to say though, I have distance now with my parents that is nothing CD related, more along the lines you are describing. I hear from them a bit, but dont know how to heal what has happened. If you have a chance to be friends with them now........Take it. I would go back and fix it all if I could. A lot of it seems to be the way I reacted to them too. We all make mistakes, some are harder to fix than others though.

I hope you weather all this ok. I really do. Love hurts at times, it always will, no matter who that is with. Good luck. Is a long road, know that......

[Debb]

Trina

I am posting to express my support.

I am guessing by your name that you're around 24 years old.

I have gone through these issues myself, only from the viewpoint of a parent. I am a parent to two men, 19 and 23-years-old. As a parent, I have lost a lot of privacy -- I know that my kids go through my stuff when my wife and I are out. That part of my life I have surrendered. No regrets.

I see that you are quite angry about privacy, and possibly a little bit concerned that your parents are not accepting of your CD-ness. That's cool, I would be damn angry myself; speaking personally, when I felt it necessary to look into my kid's rooms, I always made sure they were there. Please consider cooling off before you do anything rash; if your folks haven't thrown you out yet, they're more accepting than you realize. Just lately I've come to find out some pretty devastating things about my 19-year-old, and I can tell you that as a parent it's pretty hard sometimes to find a good way to communicate with your kids without screwing something up... so I've become very careful and not said much, and I'm sure that's not the right thing either.

I feel that everyone must learn for themselves. I will not counsel you to keep your stuff .. I remember when I threw my stuff out, that one of the reasons was that I might feel tempted if it was still around, and I didn't want to go back that way.

If you own any "girl" things that could be used by someone else, see if you can donate it to a second-hand store instead of throwing it out. That way you don't have to feel quite so bad about getting rid of stuff, or having wasted quite so much money futilely.

If you ever come back to crossdressing, your tastes will most likely have changed, anyways. If not, I wish you well in all of your future endeavors.

[Helen MC]

Trina, my advice, Move Out! If you can find another place to live do so. You don't give your age but if you are legally adult then this is an unacceptable situation.

I have to say I simply do not understand the concept of "purging" that is throwing out one's female clothing. I have never done this and never will. I even have a couple of pairs of knickers (panties) from my teens although they are too small to wear as I have put on weight. I only dispose of my femme clothing if it is worn out as any woman would do.

[Diana West]

I don't really know you, but from I've read by your threads and posts you seem to be an intelligent young man with an acute sense of self-awareness.

So I figure you're going to do what you want to anyway, no matter what anyone tells you.

So my advice is Follow Your Instinct.

You are 24 and you don't know what it's like to be a parent. But then again I don't know your parents either.

But from what I read from what you wrote. I think you have pretty good instincts.

[crusadergirl]

Hey Trina
I get what your saying it seems that there is no real use for a hobby that you have to hide. My dad is the same way i can't walk out the door without him asking where i'm going. Even though i have told him i'm a cd i still feel like he don't know. Lately i feel like i don't need to do dress anymore and i'm started to like guy clothes again. It can suck away your life just like world of warcraft. I'm just not sure if i want to do it anymore. Only time will tell.
Good luck

[veronica]

how did you get a "whole duffle bag" full under your bed?

[Sweet Jane]

I still think I'm going to (somehow) dispose of my undergarments and such. The lack of interest I have in them and the stress involved in this privacy crap is just too unbearable. I may come back to it all at a later point in life, but it's just not at all of any interest to me anymore. I've begun to question my own sanity, as of late, due to my reasons for dressing. No, not in the joking sense; I just feel unhealthy in my emotions and such, and I can't answer any of the questions that I - or anyone else for that matter - would have about purpose.

Is it sexual? No.
Is it for curiousity? No.
Is it for physical comfort? No.
Is it for emotional comfort? No.
Is it a carnal desire? No.
Is it some sort of vengence? No.

There's no point to any of it. I am wasting time and money on this "hobby", and there's no positive outcome. I'm not addicted, either: I've not had any desire or need to wear a bra in a long time.

I think this may be the end of "Trina". I'm sure I'll keep the account here and post once in a while, but I really don't see myself going any further with this little interest.

Hi

I'l answer your questions as they apply to me, too

Is it sexual? No.
Is it for curiousity? No.
Is it for physical comfort? No.
Is it for emotional comfort? No.
Is it a carnal desire? No.
Is it some sort of vengence? No.


whoa..same answers. Hey I have gone long periods without dressing, especially around the times that I was forming new relationships. Its just that the urge to dress has always come back...sometimes very strongly. If this has been a part of you as it was a part of me from about 8 years old, then maybe it's not a "hobby"....maybe this will be how your brain is "wired" too. If you think that you can then just walk away and never CD again, I wish you luck.....but when you are my age, if it's been a lifelong urge, you will have the irresistable urge to indulge.....and I don't understand why either??? anyway, if you're frustrated and angry, by all means purge...it may be years before you dress again and styles change. Good luck.

[Tina B.]

The bad part of purging,
Is the feelings of flustration with how the world feels about you, the guilt you feel about crossdressing, all the money spent on something that now seems like such a waste, and trying to figure out why you did it in the first place.

the Good thing about purging!'
All the new clothes, shoes, make-up and underthings, you get to spend all that money on that you saved by not wasting it on things like, clothes, shoes, make-up and underthings, you didn't buy while quitting.

Tina B.

If you can quit, and not want to come back to it, if you don't feel there is a need down deep inside you, that has to be fulfilled, then it wasn't for you in the first place. Why would you do it if you don't need it???
Just my worth

[Stephenie S]

Dear Trina,

You need to learn to stand up for yourself. This is part of growing up.

Stashing a note to be found by someone snooping acomplishes absolutely nothing. By the time a snooper reads that note, the damage is done. What you REALLY want is for there to be no snooping. The ONLY way to communicate that is to SAY it, OUT LOUND and FIRMLY. You will never learn to be direct about your wishes until you actually are direct about your wishes. Your parents may not respect your desires, but at least they will know you have the courage to make your desires known.

CDing is not the issue here. Respect for another persons privacy is. Finding the courage to stand up for your wants and needs is something that will serve you well throughout your adult life. The sooner you can develop this the better and more grown up you will be.

Stephenie