How often is SO participation required?

[kittypw GG]

This question is for heterosexual CD's. I'm sorry to exclude transexuals but I think that your situation is different and this is a true problem for some wives of CD's.

I have been mulling this around in my head and trying to come up with something that makes both my hubby and I happy. I have talked a lot about my situation and you can look back at my past posts so I won't go into detail except to say that I have not done a lot of crossdressing in the last couple of years due to circumstances. Now I am willing to entertain somthing reasonable. Underline reasonable.

I want to say this delicatly. Crossdressing is not something that I think about nor do I really want to. This is something that my husband desires. I have enjoyed it in the past but I don't want it to consume my life. I have agreed to participate once a month. My hubby wears girls underware, paints his toenails and I know for sure that he wears lipstick (probably other things too I just can't be sure) when I am not home. He does not consider this crossdressing, I do. He says that my participation is required for him to really enjoy it. Ok so, is there anything wrong with once a month? He really does have free rein when I am not home. I only get mad about it when it interferes with our sex life. When he CD's by himself he reads fictionmainia stories and I think endulges in some self love which I am cool with as long as it doesn't interfer or take the place of a healthy sex life between the two of us.

Ok so here is the question. How often should a spouse or girlfriend have to participate to keep their CD happy? How often should our CD's be the man in our lives? The flip side of the coin is just as important don't you think?

[Kahlan51]

This question is for heterosexual CD's.
Ok so here is the question. How often should a spouse or girlfriend have to participate to keep their CD happy? How often should our CD's be the man in our lives? The flip side of the coin is just as important don't you think?

I think what is important is communication. My SO and I have been tossing back and forth since halloween as I was dressed up about 3 time in 2days and she expressed fears about how dressing up would "take over" our relationship so I backed off. She is fine with me dressing up but wants equal time for other activities and some bounderies around when I dress up. I think that is very resonable and we are in the process of doing that. I always make sure to talk to her and discuss it before we engage in any CD activity together. I guess the short answer is whatever you work out with each other and to lovingly respect each others bounderies. Love Kahlan

[Tiffy]

Well really that is hard to answer. Each person is different and we do not come with an owners manual ( i wish we did). So what may be good for you and your family may not work for me and mine. It really helps ease the strees of it with the participation of our SO. And at times if our SO's participate then I think we feel less guilty for indulging in dressing.
I dress each and every time we come in the house. Most time it is just a nightgown or something. But my wife says I have a better attitude when I wear what I want. But I do not wear a wig and makeup most times. I do that about once or twice a month. And my wife sees no difference between dressed and undressed. Both are just one to her. Just the name changes but most times it is still honey. And I do not take on a different role either. I am just me. I am just a more laid back version of myself. I just have the fem name to fit the way I feel and a base for mail and internet use.
So I think that each home has to just find a balance that works for them. I am not saying that is easy or even possible in some cases. I know this has not been much help.
I am not sure I can be much help with this, it is just kinda a little window into another cd house. To show how different, as CD's we are and to show that our spouses see and feel about crossdressing differently.
Best of luck in finding your balance............


Kisses & , Tiffy

[Kate Simmons]

You know my thoughts on this Kitty. If I were your SO, I would definately value your feelings on it. You have to decide what kind of comfort level you have with this. Personally, I'd rather read super hero comics or a good novel rather than that fiction crap as it does absolutely nothing for me. Maybe it gives him a sexual "buzz", I dunno.If I had an accepting partner, I would definately show come consideration for her feelings.Otherwise, I'm being self centered and letting it control me and that, to be quite honest, would scare the hell out of me. My wife never accepted my crossdressing but there was an uneasy peace between the two of us. Better that then nothing I figured. I feel what you are asking is reasonable. I would have been more than happy for once a month if my wife had accepted it. It depends on the individual, however. I feel you've done more than your share. His turn. Ericka Kay

[Holly]

Kitty, first of all, an SO should never, ever, have to participate. If you don't really want to, as you state in your post, then your really shouldn't. All it will do is build up resentment inside you. But you do need to communicate with your husband. I sense that you are suspicious that his CDing is developing into something you are not comfortable with. Talk to him. When we find ourselves doing things for one another because we know it brings joy to our partner, it becomes a joy for us as well. Good luck to the two of you .

[ubokvt]

Are you talking about being present when he dresses, or a dressing experience like shopping, or are you talking about a sexual dressing thing. Its two different things all togather. But bottom line I agree with holly when you force either partner to participate in something they don't agree with it only hurts the relationship in the long term.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Well, I'm a mix of TG/CD but I'll answer anyhow.

I will repeat again what I had posted earlier.....if my "wife" would have not assumed any article of clothing she found (that was not hers) was another woman's, and had not asked for details when I said I was going out I would have never mentioned anything about my dressing or asked her participation. I knew how she felt and would have done it away from home out of her sight (motel rooms are cheap) unless she was safely gone for the night. Wives should not HAVE to participate if it is not their thing.

Now what I would have liked from her is another story. I would have loved to have had her to cuddle with once a week. My fem side really wants to be touched in a non sexual way on a regular basis (but I can survive without it). And I would have loved to feel "normal" with normal weekly interactions...it's just very hard to find a sister to interact with that doesn't want it to become too much. All that said, I would have settled for once a month gladly if that was all she was offering.

Emily Ann

[Bethanygirl]

Ok so here is the question. How often should a spouse or girlfriend have to participate to keep their CD happy? How often should our CD's be the man in our lives? The flip side of the coin is just as important don't you think?

A spouse or girlfreind should NEVER have to participate. You need to want to, and perhaps that is the problem here, you don't really want to do you? He knows this, at least emotionally, and that is why he is finding his dressing time around you so unfullfilling that he is pressuring you. If this is true, (I may be way off base here) then you have to ask yourself, WILL you ever really want to? The acceptence he is seeking through your 'participation' is an emotional craving he cannot fullfill without you actually approving of him while dressed. You need to look at it carefully and see if there isn't some part of it you can honestly appreciate, and cultivate that in yourself, and learn to show it to him. He needs to understand what you are trying to do, and BACK OFF, and be supportive of you. Any schedules or limits you mutally agree to observe will then be less constrictive to his need, as he will be finding the fullfillment that comes from the appreciation and approval of the one person in the world he cares most for. An Honest effort in this requires open lines of communication, emotions are strong, feelings mixed, but love can get you through.
I hope you can both find the joy and love that is surely waiting for you free of strife and upset. Good luck!

[JulieCDorlando]

Hello,
I was involved with a woman a while ago, that introduced me to this lifestyle. At first I was a bit apprehensive about doing this at first, as I saw it as a threat to my masculinity. We both agreed for certain times for this activity. From what you mentioned in your post for allotted time to be with him in is CDing is reasonable from my perspective. Only you and your husband can determine what is fair and what is reasonable. If you say once a month is enough for you, then it should be so. From your post you mentioned that he indulges in CDing with free reign when you are not at home with your knowledge of such. To me and by you conveying your thoughts his CD activities are more than suitable for you and your husband. You are ok with it once a month and he gets free reign to indulge when you are not home, and still wants more? WOW..... Limits on anything between two married people should be an acceptable postion in any marriage where two people are loving, caring, giving to each other. A marriage is love, but a special kind of love requiring sacrifice on both ends.
A CD may desire more intimacy with an accepting partner, but also can be happy indulging this activity by themselves. Not fully knowing the details, I would think he is pressing for more from you, than you are willing to give. If a spouse gives more and gets little in return resentment may start a rift. I do hope he knows and understands your concerns and needs. If not please sit him down and have a nice talk with him over this. You have already given to him , it is now time that he gives back to you.

[kittypw GG]

We sort of developed the CD'ing together. I really got into it blindly. I guess that I thought that it was a fetish thing and I was really ok with the role playing etc. As time went on it overran my life. I found that everything we did was centered around the cd'ing. He had more makeup than me, more clothes than me more bras etc. I started to feel really uncomfortable about it and conveyed my feelings very clearly. I tried to get him interested in romance as man and women. I bought a book called 101 nights of great romance. It had secret assignments for romantic nights with lots of suggestons. Trouble is I would always go first and he would have excuses about why he couldn't carry out his part. I bought an instructional dvd on errotic massage and surprised him one afternoon, I have brought him home sexy girly nighties and surprised him with his wildest fantasy. And I did this of my own free will because I love him. I have bent over backwards in my opinion, to fullfill his cd wishes. He has done some things that are romantic but clearly not even close to once a month which is what I have agreed to.

I do feel like I'm being forced and I have told him that if he would just be ok with the once a month thing then maybe I would feel like surprising him more often. I have said before that it takes more effort for me to get into the crossdressing because it is really his thing. I do enjoy it once I get into it but I have to work at it. I don't know if that makes sense. He thinks that if I just give him more crossdressing then he will be happier and will do more of what I want. We go round and round about it. He used to call me the crossdressers dream girl. It didn't seem to get me anything but more crossdressing.

I don't think that I am being unreasonable. I understand that I used to give more than I do now but I am tired of going first.

He thinks that I am being mean and controlling. I think I am being reasonable and giving. I want a life too for pete sake.

Help!!!!!! I don't know what to do.

He is a member here too so I hope something that you all will say will help. Thanks
Kitty

[Tiffy]

Have you ever asked your SO this question? "Honey, what would be your ideal situation as far as our life and crossdressing are concerned? How often? Would you leave the house? Where would you go and what things would you do dressed? What level would you like me to participate at? What would be enough participation on my part for you?" Then let him answer with out interference.

Then your SO should ask you the same thing and let you answer without interference. My wife found it best to leave letters on the kitchen table and we answered them when we were alone. And left them for the other. That way you can refer back to it when you sit and talk after you have written each other atleast once.

The two answers will be different but atleast they would be on paper and in the open. Then you can being to barter toward a common goal.

We pray for you......Tiffy

[Cyndie]

It sounds as though you are feeling that you are being pushed in a directon that you are not sure you want to go. Most people when pushed will make the natural response and become somewhat defensive. You should not have to be a part of CDing if you do not feel comfortable with it. When someone ask us to walk beside them into a different area of there life, we walk at an agreed pace. We don't push, we don't pull, we walk together. I don't know an answer but I hope that the two of you can find a way to walk rogether in the romantic, Cd, and other intimate parts of you life.

Cyndie

[Sophia Rearen]

What do you consider once a month? Is that an evening, a day, a few hours?

How about this? What if it were a cd fest? Like a weekend long lifestyle thing, where he wasn't allowed anything but to be enfemme. Kind of just blow it all out. You could time it out so it doesn't interupt your sex life, kind of on your schedule, if you know what I mean. And then, let him have his fictionmania.

You still are a crossdressers dream girl. Hell, with all that effort, your any mans dream girl!

[MsJanessa]

I'm not sure what you mean by "participate". If it means just having you around to hang out with well what ever you feel is your limit. If you mean sexually participate and you think that you are only up for that once a month then that's really your choice. I suspect that you are like many wives of cds---you are willing to tolerate it, even go along with in once in a while because your husband likes it, but are not really into it yourself as a full time diet. It could be that you might have found it enjoyable at first because it may have spiced your husband up when it came to sex but now youre tired of it--a common problem if one is to judge by the GG postings on this forum---really the choice is yours----whatever you feel is your limit----but beware that if he doesn't feel it is enough it could lead to serious problems in your relationship. Its a tough compromise for both of you. Good luck

[Emily Ann Brown]

Kitty,

I agree with Sophie....you are a dressers dream come true. You allow it and join in on a regular basis. Don't bash yourself hun.

I have many times said dressers are some of the most selfish people. Living with someone is a compromise at best. We tend to want it always our way.

The suggestion to ask what he would want as far as amount of time CDing if he had his way is a good idea in my opinion. Find out how far he wants to really go....you probably won't like it, but at least BOTH of you will then know how big the obstacle you are facing really is.


Emily Ann

[Karren H]

Kitty,

I agree with Sophie....you are a dressers dream come true. You allow it and join in on a regular basis. Don't bash yourself hun.

I have many times said dressers are some of the most selfish people. Living with someone is a compromise at best. We tend to want it always our way.

The suggestion to ask what he would want as far as amount of time CDing if he had his way is a good idea in my opinion. Find out how far he wants to really go....you probably won't like it, but at least BOTH of you will then know how big the obstacle you are facing really is.


Emily Ann

Well sweet Emily Ann......It's not my dream and never was and will be!! I enjoy my enfemme time solo........ freedom in a sort of wierd way!! And to have another person help decide what I have to wear and where should we go and how my makeup should look would take some of the fun (a lot!!) and most of the freedom away....in my humble opinion!!

Love Karren

[Emily Ann Brown]

DEAR SWEET KARREN KARREN KARREN......


Mom left you alone way too much in the playpen. (giggle giggle).

I would get tired of someone picking all my clothes, and doing my makeup and such too (was why you know I left Mom's house). But I love having a woman there to spend time with and take me shopping occassionally.


Emily Ann

[kittypw GG]

By participate I mean he wants me to pick something for him to wear, (he has been taking his own initiative on this lately) do his makeup and hair. Hang out, take pics and yes have sex. I try to make him feel pretty and engage in conversation, touching and telling him things that I know will make him feel like a girl. He would love for me to paint his nails and I used to but this just takes too much time so he will have it done before I get home for the "date". The date takes several hours. Usually when we have boy girl time it is when I don't even have my hair combed I want him to take me out, talk to me, touch me and then be all over me when we get home. Or if we stay in I want to listen to music, play a game talk and touch. I would at least like to have a little makeup on. Sometimes I feel that he doesn't want me to be the pretty one or the one getting the attention. I would like it a little more 50/50.

I have taken him out shopping. Even went in the dressing room with him at the good will to try on dresses. I have taken "her" out ot a couple of clubs and to a halloween party and to a regular resturant with others from tri-ess. We have even been nurturing a relationship with another couple who is very much like us. I am thankful to find some friends who we can relate to and who know albout and are trying to make cd'in work in their marriage.

It sort of hurts my feelings that he would be angry at me for saying that I could only play along once a month. Seems to me that a lot of women just plain don't even want to hear about it or leave their husbands because they can't deal with it. It's not like he can't play dress up when I am not home. I just don't want to hear about it. I have my interests also. I don't go on and on to him about how I love antique table clothes.

I think that he should not look a gift horse in the mouth and that he should be grateful that I do what I do. His pressuring me only makes me feel like I don't want to participate. At least I know that at the end of the month I will play dress up and I have time to plan the eve. and get into the mind set. What is wrong with that.??? It is so very frustrating to say the least.
Kitty

[Sweet Jane]

Hi

I'm with Karren on this one..I don't think I'll ever want "participation" from my wife. It's something that has been just me for so long, I'd probably not feel right having someone else involved...I'd feel a bit insecure I think, a bit embarrassed maybe.

[stlmichelle]

As far as my wife goes, any participation that she does is a bonus. We do have an agreement, that I will never go out without her. But beyond that I never expect her to participate in anything, that has to do with my dressing.

[JoAnnDallas]

I see it like any other activity that I do. I belong to other organizations and clubs in which she does not participate in the meetings or general outings, but when these have a special gathering like a Christmas party or State/Regional conference, then my wife will go with me. I would not expect any more than that even with my CDing. I do the same with her organizations and clubs.

[Megan G]

Kitty,

I am no expert but from what I see you are not asking for much, infact you are just asking for what any loving wife deserves. As a CD with a loving and suportive wife I can tell you that I will always want an active sex life (man & wife) and would want nothing less.

As for the participation, I think what you are offering is any CD's dream come true (at least in my eye's it is).

Trisha

[SatinSarah]

I think you said it all - why look a gift horse in the mouth.

I started taking my wife for granted in her support for my dressing and I tried to do it whenever it suited me and to do more and more as she supported me. When it went too far for her and I was girly for a couple of days on a mini break together I htink she thought she was going to lose her man so she stopped me completely. Only then did I wake up to the enormous effort she was making to help me.

No wife HAS to help. I would like to think that most would because they love the man they married and part of that man is a woman trying to enjoy herself.

Since my wife agreed to let Sarah back in we have negotiated every step. I don't want to hurt her again as I love her so I have told her what I would really like and she has told me what she can take. At the moment its me waeing lingerie and nightwear whilst in bed together. She knows I would like a bit more but I have agreed to do it all at her pace. Like you she says I can do what I like when alone and wonders why she has to be part of it at all.

I hope your husband understands how much you are doing for him. Only when I grew up to realise that has our understanding and love grown. I wish I could dress more often but I can relax knowing we are on this journey together again and not worry. For me that is better than dressing in secret or wanting to dress and notbeing able to talk about it. Even when out shopping for my wife we share thoughts on clothes and even if I don't get anyhting nw or dress it really helps me sharing the girly talk.

You are a wonderful wife to play your part - he shouldn't look this gift horse inthe mouth and you should live out the agreed lines you have set!

[melissaK]

Well really that is hard to answer. Each person is different and we do not come with an owners manual ( i wish we did). . . .
So I think that each home has to just find a balance that works for them. I am not saying that is easy or even possible in some cases. I know this has not been much help.

Thanks for the topic. It was interesting to hear everyone chime in. I've lived with the ebb and flow of CD issues for 40 plus years, 20 plus with two different wifes, and I can't add much. IMHO, stick w/ Tiffy's advice - talk to your SO and find the path that works for you now. Keep communicating and adjust to the ebbs and flows.

[kerrianna]

Hi Kitty, I think you've had some really solid thougtful responses here, and what would probably help the best is for HUBBY TO READ THEM!

Being two growing changing individuals sharing a life together always requires compromise, communication and respect. Sometimes things swing out of balance, one person changes while the other one is stuck, etc. It can be hard work and sacrifice to make it last. Sometimes we can't get what we want (or think we want) - and guys are generally more spoiled (IMHO) that women, so we tend to get a bit bratty about it. Sometimes I need a reality check.

For instance, I was telling my SO the other day how great it would be to have a few more women in bed with us. "Gee, honey I don't think so!" Oh, how unreasonable of her!

If your husband is truly transgendered then I can see how this would be a major problem for him. However, there are a lot of us here that aren't, and yet we pull that card out when trying to get our SO to 'give' or participate more. That's just being manipulative.

It sounds to me like you are supportive and know your boundaries and are willing to negotiate, but he's pushing the boundaries wanting more and isn't doing enough on his end. Really, sounds to me like the ball is in his court. Hope he realizes it before he messes everything up