I need to find out more information on this / I was the newbie that posted last night

[msthighhigh]

About 5 years ago, I walked in on my husband, fully dressed as a woman. I was shocked, as I guess many people are the first time they see it. I have never seen this since. He 'swore' to me it was just a 'thing' and that he threw the clothes away. Well, I knew in my mind, that it couldn't be just a 'thing'. He had to still be doing this. I kinda blocked it out for the last couple of years, but recently, I found a size 10 shoe box; and I don't wear size 10 shoes. Yes, I snooped, and finally found 'the stash'.

Being honest here, I am at loss at trying to understand it; however, I love him dearly and wouldn't leave him for anything. I feel like I need to 'confront' him so he purposely doesn't hide it from me, but don't want him to know I snooped around and found his hiding place and the key.

How should I approach this with him?

Thanks so much for your help.

[Kate Simmons]

There are a lot of deep feelings involved in this Hon. I can tell you about feelings on this side of the fence but think I will defer and let other folks give you their experiences. The GG's on this site are good ladies to talk to as they have SO's who are crossdressers and they are very understanding and work together with their SO's to make it a positive thing for both parties. I know what your husband is going through as I was there. I will say this. It basically has nothing to do with his feelings for you. He has to work it out. It would be nicer if you worked it out together but you both have to want to. Feel free to PM me any time but see what the other folks have to say. Ericka Kay

[rosiegurl]

would say been careful is the key step here. jumping him one day annoucing you found his stash is most likely gonna give him a heart attack at the least *grins*

but then again, been to cautious with it runs a risk aswell, men are notoriously bad at picking up hints, and I especially include myself in that, as my SO will agree to *grins*

remember, however you announce it, he is gonna be shocked and scared at your possible reaction to it. best way would be comferting, like maybe buy him a peice of lingerie for his birthday, or just as a suprise for him one day.

no one can really tell you where he "fits" in to all of this other then him, there are so many different types of CD it's almost silly *grins*

trust me on this, he will be more relieved at you finally knowing and not blowing up at him than upset at you finding his stash. I'm sure all the ones that are in the closet to their wives here will attest that they would be greatly relieved at been able to get rid of the lie in their lives, I know I was when I was finally able to with my ex

[Courtney A Anderson]

This isn't an easy problem to solve, But, you could try talk it over, show him you care, and that you still love him. Maybe even help him.. with shopping, make up tips, ect. Chirstmas is coming it's always a good time of year for sharing. Talk to each other, It's the first step.. Good luck.. glad you came.

[vbcdgrl]

If the hiding place is in your house, you can say you came across it by accident, and, since it was locked, your curiosity got the best of you.
If you are sincere about sticking with your CDing SO, tell him so,
but set some boundaries that you can live with.

Vikki

[Sweet Jane]

Hi

I get the feeling that you don't really approve of this, but you do love him so you will tolerate it if he doesn't do it behind your back.

I think you need you have "the talk" and let him know that he can be a little less covert. You will have to decide what part, if any, you want to have in his crossdressing, and of course he should also say how comfortable he is in you having any part in it. I have read some horror stories here where a crossdresser has gone overboard when his wife has approved. Be very sure in your heart and mind on your involvement or lack of.

I do applaud your attitude. From my experience this crossdressing is as much of an embarrassment to me as it would be possibly for you. I don't know why I do it, but since I was about 8, I have. It's wierd and really I have no rational explanation. I would rather I never, but there you go, I still do!!! So I suppose I'm saying that you shouldn't necessarily get an answer to a why question. All I know is that I am 100% hetero, in love and monogamous.

Anyway, good luck and I'm sure you will get a lot of help here. I have.

[Holly]

...however, I love him dearly and wouldn't leave him for anything. I feel like I need to 'confront' him so he purposely doesn't hide it from me, but don't want him to know I snooped around and found his hiding place and the key...

Hi Msthighhigh. First of all, We're glad that you're here. I hope that you will find the answers and the support here that you are seeking. Judging from your quote above, I think you're going to make it. That kind and that intensity of love works miracles. You DO need to talk to your husband (don't confront him). Begin by telling him how much you love him and that it is important for the two of you to trust one another with your most intimate feelings. Tell him you discovered the shoe box, and that discovery lead to your discovery of "the stash." Explain to him that you want to understand it but he needs to be up front and honest with you. And you need to share with him what your concerns and fears are.

I can guarantee you this much; he is every bit as much frightened as you are. His greatest fear is losing you. I'm not in any way condoning his hiding this from you; it was wrong of him to do so. But I can understand it. I hid it from my wife for years and years. I finally could stand it no longer and I bared my soul to her. In just a couple of weeks we will celebrate our 38th anniversary. From my perspective, we are happier now than we have ever been. This whole thing (cross dressing) taught us that we can trust one another with anything! If you both want it to work, you will find your way. There are literally thousands of people here who are cheering for your success! Let us know how we can help either of you.

[Catherine in Colo]

Hi Msthighhigh,

Everyone so far is correct - this is a very delicate situation, and it's wonderful that you are considerate of his feelings in this case. The fact is though, that no matter how you approach him with this topic, he's going to suspect that you already know that he's still dressing in secret. Of course he'll be far more embarrassed, and possibly more defensive, if you just come out and tell him you found his stash. But in the end, he'll end up knowing for certain that you did, and it's probably best to tell him so at some point - maybe not in your first conversation, but definitely at some point, for the sake of honesty and openness.

As others have suggested, the key is to communicate to him as early as possible that you still love him, won't leave him, and will try to work through this, assuming that to be the case, as it sounds from your post. As you likely already know, he's probably ashamed that he's not able to stop, and feels guilty that he's doing it behind your back. You were correct in knowing early on that this wouldn't stop, and you're already ahead of many wives in understanding that.

It's also important to remember that he's probably been dealing with this his whole life, and has kept it inside his whole life, so it will be very difficult for him to start talking about it with you and to share it with you. By the same token, it will be important for him to understand that this is (mostly) new to you, and that what's he's spent his entire life figuring out and dealing with, you will just now be getting exposure to. So while it's always nice to make a small gesture of support as suggested before, don't do any more than you are comfortable doing at any given time. On his end, it'll be very easy, now that he'll be "out" and accepted, for him to push the envelope and try to do too much, too fast, and hopefully he'll understand that danger.

I hope that helps! This forum is a wonderful resource, and everyone here is wonderful, so don't hesitate to ask us anything!

Best of luck!
Renee

[DonnaT]

Sit down near him and set the shoe box between you, then start the conversation with: "You remember, back when I caught you dressed as a woman; and you 'swore' to me it was just a 'thing' and that you threw the clothes away? Well, I knew in my mind, that it couldn't be just a 'thing'."

Wait for his response.

"Well, I've been doing some study on it, and it seems to confirm that it couldn't be just a 'thing'. I love you dearly and wouldn't leave you for anything, I just want you to be honest and not hide your cross dressing from me, please."

[Joy Carter]

Well MsT H your at least looking in the right place for some answerers. Give your self some time to absorb the information here. Do a search into the archives and read them. Then by all means get into the GG forum so you can get new views from another woman's perspective. He's not a bad man he's just a CD like us. Then maybe you will be able to talk to and understand him. I give you much credit for coming here.

Joy Carter

[Angie G]

Don't talk about his stash if its ok with you that he dresses talk about that day you seen him and ask if he still wishs to dress and if so its ok with you.
You may find if nice to have someone to shop with
Angie

[linnea]

If you feel that you can tolerate what he's been doing, then I think that you should tell him just what happened. Acknowledge that you've been suspicious; that's not a terrible thing. After all, his behavior probably encouraged suspicion, even in an otherwise trusting relationship. Again, I'm saying this with the idea in mind that you will at least tolerate his dressing. And with that in mind, I think that it's best if you just bring it out honestly and give him the opportunity to respond honestly. I would hope that he would acknowledge that he has been dressing secretly and agree with you that this should be something that you deal with openingly. If it were me, I'm sure that I would be embarassed but very relieved that you weren't going to demand that I leave or that you would not be in any way accepting.
I think that there are probably a lot of CDs who would like to be discovered by their SOs, but they would like to have acceptance and maybe even support and maybe even encouragement.

[Sally2005]

Tell him the truth. That you found some shoes (you could probably leave out the stash if you really had to hunt for it). Then tell him that you want to learn more about it. Don't pressure him for answers why he does it because he may not know himself. I hope you both can find a way to enjoy it since it is something that probably will not go away and if you can be open about it all the better, but respect his privacy if he wants to keep it that way.

[Sheila]

Hi Msthighhigh. First of all, You DO need to talk to your husband (don't confront him). Begin by telling him how much you love him and that it is important for the two of you to trust one another with your most intimate feelings. Tell him you discovered the shoe box, and that discovery lead to your discovery of "the stash." Explain to him that you want to understand it but he needs to be up front and honest with you. And you need to share with him what your concerns and fears are.

I can guarantee you this much; he is every bit as much frightened as you are. His greatest fear is losing you. I'm not in any way condoning his hiding this from you; it was wrong of him to do so. But I can understand it.
If you both want it to work, you will find your way. There are literally thousands of people here who are cheering for your success! Let us know how we can help either of you.

and if he goes into silent mode after you talk to him about your discovery please please don't Panic, my partner did that --- he had to get his head round the fact that I knew and didn't go running off screaming pervert or run out telling all our friends and neighbours ----I only found out about my partner 4 months ago being a cdr after having lived with him for over 2 years(he has been cding for over 20 years).

4 months later while we have had our moments, both good and bad we are still together, still loving each other.

Perhaps you could have the address of this forum for him to come and take a look at, that way he will be able to see that he is not alone in this and that there are wives and partners that stay with their husbands even after finding out that they cd, it may also convince him that YOU are NOT going to run screaming from him

Good luck and please let us know how you both get on

Jess

[GraceUSA]

One of the reasons I hide being a CD from my family and close friends is a fear of rejection. I love my family and friends, I don't want to disappoint them nor do I want them to be uncomfortable around me. There is also some very deep seated shame as well that is very hard to get rid of, no matter how hard I try to ignore the socialital pressures.

I don't know how you should approach this, but do make sure you let him know you love him no matter what.

[rickie121x]

.... try talk it over, show him you care, and that you still love him. Maybe even help him.. with shopping, make up tips, ect. Chirstmas ... good time of year for sharing. Talk to each other, It's the first step.. ...

I think this is one of the most realistic of all of the suggestions to date. To start by recollecting that original circumstance and to say that it has been on your mind a lot, (I would say this is indeed the truth!) and to follow by reaffirming your love and your intended goal is to stay with him should ease his mind a great deal. It is a fact that he is more disturbed by this than you are - I know from experience!

I have had ladies in my life who were just great about my dressing when we could go to our BDSM parties - but wanted nothing to do with it if I wanted to dress casually around the house. There were others who were fine with it during love play, but again it was not OK on an everyday basis. What I see here is that as a "costume play" and as a "sexual excitation", it was OK, but that it took away from the manhood of the "MAN" that she married. ... that makes sense to me - for instance, I could be delighted if she were to occasionally want to be sensual/sexual in a "playboy bunny" costume, but it would be just ridiculous to be worn much more than on that occasion.

I do so hope that your warmth and love will make this very necessary confrontation work out for the best. Also I am sure that a fine woman, as yourself, will carry it off properly.

Rickie

[noname]

I'm sure walking in on him was a shock. Anything we are not familiar that catches us off guard can be shocking. It sounds as if you definately want to talk to him since you found the clothes he was hiding. I can't say how to approach him and you'll probably know best as you are married to him. I would like to say though, there is probably a good chance he may get defensive. It's something the two of you will have to work out. Your also probably wonder why? Truth is, he may not even know. It could be a variety of reasons, perhaps he's just curious or an real artsy person, or just doing some self searching.

noname

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

i think when you read posts hun "COMMUNICATION" is the main thing. when i was told by my b/f he c/d i was totaly it took a few minutes to sink in, THEN we started talking, i asked quite alot of questions etc, (wouldnt get off phone till id had some answers to my questions about his c/d ).
you have had a massive shock, and the key word you have used is "I LOVE HIM DEARLY". thats the first starting block hun. so, find a quite time, when you can sit down, hold his hand , take a deep breath..... then start to talk it through with each other. by joining this forum you have taken ur first step to understanding. theres some amazing people on this forum, all with excellant advice thats how i learnt/am learning to understand/deal with it, plus u get to make some really good friends as well
hope that things sort themselves out ? we are here if you need us

[Satrana]

Just tell him you read an article somewhere about crossdressing and you were reminded of the prior incident and thought it was time to properly deal with it.

The key thing here is to understand he has kept this a secret because he fears you will think he is a pervert and will divorce him. You must reassure him that is not the case if you want him to open up.

The other thing you must do is educate yourself about crossdressing and what it really is about and throw out any pre-conceived ideas you may have on the subject. Once you understand how widespread this is, and how crossdressing is just a tool for a man to express his feminine side, you can communicate your new understanding to him which will doubly reassure him that it is ok to end the secrecy and step out of the cupboard. He will still be very scared, even more so than you are believe it or not. Be prepared for an emotional rollercoater ride for the next few weeks/months.

Just always bear in mind that crossdressing is a method of self-expression, it is not a statement about you, your marriage, your/his sexuality, his love for you etc. In a more tolerant society it would not even be an issue at all, about as mundane as you wearing a pair of jeans. Both of you think crossdressing is a mountain when it is really just a molehill. Perception is everything.

Good luck!

[Sandra]

You need to talk to him otherwise it is just going to eat away at you. Just take it slow with him tell you you have found his things and that you are trying to understand but you need his help as well. Explain that you don't want him to hide from you and that you do love him.

I would also suggest that when you have reached 10 posts required you may like to join the GG forum here, were support and help each other.

[Lady Jayne]

About 5 years ago, I walked in on my husband, fully dressed as a woman. I was shocked, as I guess many people are the first time they see it. I have never seen this since. He 'swore' to me it was just a 'thing' and that he threw the clothes away. Well, I knew in my mind, that it couldn't be just a 'thing'. He had to still be doing this. I kinda blocked it out for the last couple of years, but recently, I found a size 10 shoe box; and I don't wear size 10 shoes. Yes, I snooped, and finally found 'the stash'.

Being honest here, I am at loss at trying to understand it; however, I love him dearly and wouldn't leave him for anything. I feel like I need to 'confront' him so he purposely doesn't hide it from me, but don't want him to know I snooped around and found his hiding place and the key.

The biggest fear about being caught is that we will be ridiculed or rejected, As you say, you love him and would never leave him you just want to try to understand. So the question is how to get that message across, I would like to say just print this thread out and leave it for him but I am not sure if he would be worried about you speaking to other people about something so personal so I am thinking if you could get the same message across in a letter and leave it for him when he has time to read it and digest what your saying once the initial panic has eased I am sure he
will be realise that your snooping was understandable and he will be happy that his secret is finally out. Don't expect him to be able to talk about it imediatly though and don't expect him to be able to explain why he does it he probably doesn't know himself.

one final thing you should be very proud of yourself for being willing to try and understand that in it's self makes you quite a special person.

[AnnaMaria]

First and most importantly you need to make sure that he knows that you love him no matter what, and that you are not going to leave him just because he might be different than what the people around you might think. Second is to not lie about the situation at all, not even a lie of omission. There is nothing that can do more harm than a lie no matter how good the intention is.

The two of you need to talk about this and you need to make sure that it is a calm and collected conversation and not a screaming match. You need to make sure he understands how you feel about the situation and about him overall.

But, as you begin to think about how to talk to him about this keep a few things in mind. Gender identity has nothing to do with sex, or sexual preference that is the most common mistake people make about the tg community. He is just as terrified about you finding out about this as you are to realize that the "man" you married is not who you thought he was.

But, on this point I have to let you in on a little secret. If he is anything like me I can tell you for sure that you fell in love with her just as much as him. Because if he knows anything at all about who is really is then he has learned that in order to keep from going crazy he has had to learn to blend the two seperate personna's into one working personallity. No we are not suffering from mulitply personallity disorder, though if you start to read some of the posts here you might think so from the way some of the posts read.

But, above all you have to make sure that there is love, honesty, and calmness in your voice and in your heart when you talk to him. And remember actions speak louder than words. If you act hostle toward him about this he is going to responed in kind. He may not want to talk about it right away, he may want some time to absorb the fact that you know about her and that you are willing to at least discuss it calmly. That in itself will easy the tension between the two of you and make things easier.

Last but not by any means least remember there is no why? when it comes to the reason we do this. No one knows for sure why, or what causes it for that matter. It's kind of like asking why someone is right handed rather than left, or why someone else likes blue instead of green. Ask all the questions you want, just keep in mind that he is only going to answer the ones that he is ready for and the ones that he actually knows the answers to so don't expect miracles during the first tallk.

And above all make sure that you allow enough quiet time for the discussion no interuptions. Take the phone off the hook. Turn off the cell phones, shut down the computers and turn off the radio or tv. No distractions at all, and plan on no less than two hours for it and if it takes longer then find and if you don't spend that much time that is fine to as long as both of you know that you have plenty of time to talk undisturbed.

Sorry this is so long. Good luck and if you have any other questions just let one of us know. Though I would recommend that you seek out the help of one of the other gg's in the group to get advice from because she will be able to give you her prespective as the so that we as tg's can not readily see.

Anna

[suzy]

Msthighhigh,

You have a lot to digest here....

My suggestion is to print out this thread and then have "the talk." Holly is right on!! Have the talk, and simply be open and as honest as you can be... no more secrets between either of you from this point forward. You have the necessary ingredients to make this become a loving and blissful relationship beyond anything it has been to this point..... working for me!

[uknowhoo]

Most of what I'd've offered has already been well said by others.

Let me just give you a big and thank you for taking the big step of coming here to gain understanding and support. We're always here for you, and your husband.

Take care, and best wishes.

xoxo

Tammi

[Amy Hepker]

I would say confront him about it when you have time to talk to him about it. Let him know that you found it and how. Let him know that you don't want him to hide it. Talk, talk, talk, Be ready to listen. I will say this much, we as CDers have a tendancy to go overboard when we find out we will be accepted. You need to take charge of it and let him know that he is to ask before buying any new items, other wise you may lose closet space fast. It all depends on how much you will accept him doing this. You have to feel good about it yourself. CDers can be so much fun if the real Ladies will let us be ourselves. I am not saying let him go out in public, that is between you and him, more you as to what you will accept. Lay down the ground rules and don't feel like you are controling him, you are trying to be on even ground with him. YOU have to be comfortable with the CDing. Just Talk and find out what he wants. You may open him up like you never thought you could. You may get along better. It helps when both side can be happy with Crossdressing. Myself, I always feel that I want to share my other side with my Lady, she is still a little leary though.