I need to find out more information on this / I was the newbie that posted last night

[Janailene]

The others have given the best advice - communicate and then communicate some more. Probably he has been hiding this since being a small child. I did from the age of 5.

May I suggest that you do not bring up his shoes or stash. Very intimidating, and he will tell you he will throw the stuff away and will be embarrased. Much better to mention you found this site (BTW how did you find us?) and got curious, finding out that most CDs are straight and family oriented. I can tell him that it is not easy - as he knows- but having a tolerant wife can help a lot. Suggest you set up some giudelines - frequency of dressing, amount of money spent, going out and who else (if anyone) should know or might find out.

BTW I would bet dollars to donuts that his Mom knows even though he probably does not think so.

[melissaK]

What everyone else said is right . . . . These people (cross dressers, transgendered, genetic girl significant others) have been there and done that . . . and after you live with this aspect in your life for a few years you could revisit this thread and I think you would be awed at how "right" some of the advice was, and how insightful it was.

Some of us like to learn from books, if you are such a person try Arlene Lev's "Transgender Emergence" (2004). It covers the gamut of cross dressing to transexuals, with history, top notch up to date footnotes, and very little advocacy of any "agenda." Still, after you read such a book, you can come back to this thread and you will see these girls' posts are awfully good.

And, my last 2 cents, I think us gender benders make darn good companions, we tend to be caring, sensitive, and tolerant . . . I hope you can hang on to yours.

[princessmichelle]

Ms. thighhigh,

I agree with Holly's post (#7): he's afraid of losing you.

His deception probably isn't working for him, either, he probably feels guilty about it, or ashamed.

But crossdressing isn't going away for him, or at least that's the consensus among both academics and crossdressers. Maybe the first time you discovered him crossdressed he believed he could stop, but over time discovered otherwise. Crossdressers tend to lie about their crossdressing for two reasons: fear of losing the woman they love, and denial that their crossdressing can go away. Sometimes its also shame about crossdressing.

Being lied to is not a good feeling. But starting a dialog is difficult because it's embarrasing stuff AND there's this threat of "will it hurt our relationship". But ultimately I feel that dialog is better for both people than deception and simmering anger.

Good luck.

Michelle

[KimberlyS]

Hi Msthighhigh, I think all of us CDers look up the the wifes and girlfriends that find out by accident and do not go running off. You have already gotten some great advice from others here. But only you and your husband are the ones that can get through this. And while it will not be easy, open communication and learning for the both of you can get you through this.

For many of us CDers it is very hard for us to open up to our spouse on this subject because of the fear, shame, and self degregration we have had most of our lives about this part of us. Too much of the information people base there opinions of CDers on comes from the TV news and little TV news is good news. If you have not already figured it out, a lot of society is not very accepting of CDers. But I will clarify this and add that many are more accepting of CDers if they are not directly tied to them, as in a spouse, child, parent or other family member or close friends.

You and your husband can get through this and you have already made huge progress towards that yourself but looking for information in stead of ignoring it or running from it.

Communication with your husband, Learning together, and continuous Communication, Communication, Communication will get you through it. And communication is two sided and you may need to remind your husband this. If he will not communicate openly show him this whole thread. What you will accept, tolerate and participate in along with what your husband needs, wants, and is willing to do, is something the two of you will need to work out through your communication.

Take Care,

KimberlyS-CD

[Kate Simmons]

When you do decide to talk to him, you need to let him know you are trying to understand his need to do this and understand his feelings.However, You also need to address your feelings and needs in relation to his being your husband. You need to be assured that he is there for you as much as you are there for him. Understanding won't happen overnight but if you work together and are honest with each other, you should be fine. I wish you both well. Ericka Kay

[Diana West]

Being new here myself, I don't feel that I can offer you any decent advice.

Just read the various other threads/posts in the entire forum.
It should give you some insight as to how to handle it and allay some of your fears that you may be having.

Being a crossdresser, I had a lot of questions about myself. Then I happened upon this site only about a week ago and it has helped me.

Maybe you both should peruse this forum together?

[Beckii_aCDInOz]

Hi msthighhigh,

You've taken a really BIG step forward in posting this and of course joining the forum. It's obvious that you do care & love your husband and to me that's a really good start to finding out about CD'ing and what it means to both of you in your relationship.

Reading your post brought back a few memories for me and although I think your post has been answered extremely well by the other girls, I thought I add a couple of my own feelings towards this topic & your question/s.

My SO is a newbie like yourself (I simple came out with it, then again I had a positive feeling she'd be cool about it & she was). Still that's another topic.

However you choose to handle things, please take some time to think about what your going to say & or do.

Maybe taking some time out to have a heart to heart with him maybe good for both of you.

I know it's hard, I've seen the tears, confusion & self doubt from my SO about her own place in my CD'ing, no matter how many times I re-assure here that I'm still head over heels *grin* in love with her the emotions are still pretty raw. I guess from a woman's perspective it comes as a shock to know that your SO likes to CD.

From a guys (that's me) perspective who is also a CD and has had the desire to wear ladies clothes since I was 12, it's been one of the loneliest experiences I've had to deal with for most of my adult life.

On one had you go thru (least I did) a mental roller coaster whilst on the other you try to squash the desire to dress. Unfortunately the later catches up with you and your left to dress & fulfil your desire to CD in secrecy.

What I'm trying to say, is I felt ashamed of what I was doing, but couldn't stop it as I felt it was something I needed to keep doing to feel ok.

I'm going to leave this post soon, but, a couple of things I'd try to avoid:

Try to be as gentle as possible, I know your probably hurting just as much as you husband is, but please try not to come over as being judgemental or confronting. I think taking things easy & being understanding even though you may not understand the CD'ing is a positive move forward.

I'd be letting him know that although you may not understand the CD'ing, you are there for him. If he knows that your willing to enter into a sincere dialog about his CD'ing then this maybe the key that opens him up and you can both expand on that.

I think & feel the most important thing in this type of issue is trust.

Knowing that both of you can be totally trusting of the other in regards to sharing your feelings and thoughts on this topic will in my opinion lead to not only a stronger more intimate relationship, but you'll both start to experience a calm.

Please take care of you and by all means the GG's here are here to support you, so please spend time asking questions, posting feelings about how your coping (or not) and take it from there.




beckii

[Beckii_aCDInOz]

Maybe you both should peruse this forum together?

What a fantastic suggestion janis_en_femme

Definitely as positive catalyst for Pandora!

[Penny]

First of all, get him a card that you feel explains how you feel about him. Get a humorus card if he has a sense of humor. Oherwise, get a serious card. He is going to want to know why he got the card. Tell him straight on. Tell him you know and remind him of the past esperience and you pretty much figured it out. How you found out is not important. When you go from here is everything. Deep in his heart, you are so very important to him and he has been afraid of loosing you or he would have told you. You love him and he loves you and if you are open to him, he will open to you. Ain't love grand. It's the most powerful force there is.



Penny

[Kerry Owens]

communicate, communicate communicate! Talk! I can't even begin to emphasize that sufficiently!
Without the sitting down and seriously talking over the whole ball of wax...it is just going to fester and poison the situation. By talking it over, you both learn and benefit. His reading here and with you, again you both benefit.
Don't discount the GG forum for yourself, 10 posts, you can join over there and together with others settle down the hardest part of the equation, feeling like you're the lone ranger, panic and emotions about being a SO of a CD. You find out you are not alone, panic isn't necessary and that understanding beats the heck out of rejecting.
The first reactions are the hardest, but once you're past them you both can grow.

[krisinpink]

Very well said Penny!

[Glenda58]

I'm not the best one to give advice but I found a book that I'm reading now. MY HUSBAND BETTY by HELEN BOYD. I'm finding things about myself that I didn't understand. Maybe it could help both you and her/him. But like most of the posts you both need to talk. Remember that you love him and this is what makes him that person without it you might not like him.

[tekla west]

Read a lot of stuff, and read a lot of the different posts in here on all sorts of subjects, and you will find that it is all more or less true, more or less. We are all different people, and we do this in different ways, it means different things, and at that it changes over time. There is no one way. No "one kind of tranny." Like the AA/NA people say "Hang out long enough and you will hear your story." That implies that there are lots and lots of stories. So don't panic on every thing and wonder if that is him or if that is what he wants to do, or where he is going. Only he can tell you that. But coming into the conversation with an understanding will only help.

[msthighhigh]

I want to sincerly thank you all for your replies. I had to go quickly last night; as soon as I posted, my husband came in the driveway...

I don't know if I'm really ready to discuss this with him, though I know I have to soon, because it is really weighing on my mind. I have a lot of emotions right now. 1. I do love him, and wouldn't leave him. However, honestly, at the present time, now that I have seen his stockpile of dresses, shoes, bras, nylons, etc., it is sort of hard to look at him in a 'manly' way. (Please, I really really don't mean to offend anyone here, because I really am needing to talk to someone who does this and can offer some light). I can't help the way I feel about that, and I am afraid that if I bring this up right now at this time, he'll be hurt. I talked it over with myself in the car on the way home from work. I think I know how I'll approach it, but when, I don't know (but soon). It has to be a time where the kids are asleep or somewhere else, and I can get up the nerve to bring it up.

I'll be popping in from time to time, I hope that's Ok, to discuss more and to try to come to terms with it.

The first time I saw him in dress, it was such a shock it was like 2 months before I could be close to him again. I have purposely blocked it out of my mind, but it comes back from time to time. Just recently, when I found ALL the stuff, it brought back those feelings which I am struggling with now.

I have no desire to leave him. And would never...I am just trying to struggle with something that has obviously been a part of his life for some time, but even after 15 years of knowing him, I had no idea this part of his life existed.

Thanks so much for listening....

[Glenda58]

Go back to your first post there are many more replies there.

[Kate Simmons]

Post whenever you are ready, Hon. We're not going anywhere.Just take everything here on advisement. You are the one who knows your husband best. As most have said, it takes time to understand all of this. You just have to take things slow. From what you have said, you love him and he loves you. That's the important thing as is your family. In my case, I kept Ericka on the "back burner" while my children were growing up. They needed their Father after all. Now that they are all grown and gone, I had time to explore myself. My wife has never accepted my femme self and now we are apart. If I had the support here then, we could quite possibly have remained together. If even only one couple benefits from all the insight, it will have been well worth it. I'm hoping things work out for you both. Ericka Kay

[Stlalice]

As long as you are trying to learn about and further understand your husbands need to cross dress you will find that everyone here is likely to be helpful and sympathetic. One thought that may help you in dealing with viewing your husband in a "manly" way - the vast majority of CD's are hetero males who have no need or desire to transition to living as female. What they do have is a feminine side to their personality that they need to express from time to time. It is a "hard wired" part of their personality that does not change or go away. Your acceptance and support will likely mean an even stronger relationship down the road. Hang in there and feel free to ask questions as needed.

[Holly]

Sweetie, we'll be here whenever you're ready. But I can't emphasize enough that it is you and your husband that need to do the talking. You know that. As CDer's we have a vested interest in your success; for every SO that can come to terms with her partner's cross dressing, it is proof positive that we are capable of being loved for who we are. You may or may not believe this, but it is very likely that the man you fell in love with was shaped by his desire to experience feminine things. It may sound crazy to you at the moment, but if your husband is considerate, if he is passionate, if he is emotional, if he is gentle, then it's quite possibly due to his cross dressing.

I know the task at hand is daunting, having that talk. But wouldn't it make for a more joyous holiday to have the healing process in motion? From a cross dressers point of view, I could not think of a better Christmas gift than to hear my SO say, "I know everything there is to know about you and I love you more now than ever before in my life." Of course, I think any partner would like to hear those words! . We're pulling for both of you!

[Janelle Young]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

This is not the time of year to bring this issue up. You stated you have known this person for 15 years and for 5 years you have known he has dressed. Surely four or five weeks more before you address this will not be a major burden to you. The Holidays are not a good time to bring up a relationship issue like this, IMHO.

Wait until the first of the year. That will let the holidays in future years be a nice time for everyone and it will give you more time to decide what and how you say what you need to say to him.

[KimberlyS]

Msthighhigh, One thing that helped my wife and I communicate at times was we would write letters to each other. This allowed the writer to put down their thoughts and not loose them while trying to talk about them. And the letters do not have to be perfect. And actually usually ours were far from that, and mine were usually just periods of time that thoughts would flow and I would write them down as they flowed. So the letter usually became a mish mash of thoughts and other information that I wanted to tell my wife.

Another way some spouses have broke the ice was to lay some of the CDers things on the bed for them to find. Some times this works and other times it does not and other times it made things worse.

Only you know your husband and may have a feel on how to approach and talk with him.

We are here if you need us. And for your husband also.

KimberlyS-CD

[Jenny Beth]

Everyone here to agrees on one thing, you need to talk about this together. It certainly won't be easy for either of you but I can tell you he probably doesn't have all the answers as to why he dresses. It's fair to say a good number of us here have taken years to accept this part of ourselves after years of guilt and shame so I don't expect it will be easy for him to be open at first. I'm glad to hear you still love him, in time you will get through this but there has to be a lot of give and take from both of you. You have found a great place to learn about this lifestyle. One thing to keep in mind though is that maybe he's a member here, if not he can find support here too. I wish you both the best.

[Kimmie W]

My wife found about about my "other side" pretty much the same way you found out about your husbands. I know it isn't easy, but there is an upside if you communicate. We have been married for nearly 25 years and have never been closer. We have known tough times, but finally getting "this" into the open has drawn us closer.

We've talked how to deal with it, the kids, etc., and now we're finally in a good place. The first time I came out to her was a horror for both of us. Trust me, if you truly love each other this will only strengthen your love.

He's still the same man you met, loved and married. You just know ALL about him now.

Good luck and welcome to our forum.

[vbcdgrl]

I had this long replay written, then I got dumped off the net. Weird. Anyway, I read Stlalice's post and pretty much agree with her.
But, my main point is, think of yourself and what this means to your life.
By the way, I like thigh highs too.

Vikki

[princessmichelle]

Ms Thighhigh:

You are the boss. You can ask for our opinions, but you are the one who decides what's worth listening to.

As a male crossdresser, I'll even say: yes, being a guy who wears female clothes _is_ weird. Shame. Denial. Fear. Complicated.

Take your time. And ignore what I say if it doesn't make sense, because

you are in charge.

Michelle

[Amy Hepker]

Hi again,
I wrote to you last night and I will again. I will just say that I have ridded myself of my Female clothing on a couple of ocations trying to please a Female. It never did please the girl, she would leave and I ended up buying more. Please try to understand. He is not doing it to hurt you in anyway. This is something that has probably been with him most of his life. Always hiding it, and afraid of being caught. Please try to understand him, give him the chance he needs, you both need. I am sorry if you feel uncomfortable about it. Only you know what you will accept.