What the BLEEP is wrong with me??

[Keyplayer74]

Hello everyone.. WARNING.. super long post.

Well, it's been a while since I posted anything meaningful, so here it goes.

Some background info:
1. I don't dress much, and my wife is clueless to what little I do.
2. I am not gay, or bi. Women only for me.
3. My dressing is a sexual thrill for me - no intentions of presenting female in public.
4. I've had a compulsion to dress since as early as I can remember. It only became a turn-on when puberty hit.

I have a problem... and it's my concience. It is literally killing me, I think. I have deep shame issues regarding dressing. I don't want anyone to know about it. I do it for myself only, and there is quite a large amount of fear that I could be found out.

Of course.. along with fear of being caught is a very large desire to dress, and I don't get many opportunities. When I know an opportunity is coming I get very anxious waiting for the day to arrive. Guess what? When the day comes and I get all dressed up, immediately after I get very distressed, depressed, and dissapointed with myself. Once the desire has faded the reality sets in and I realize in my mind that I have done a very strange thing. I swear I won't do it again.. and then guess what happens.. Yep. I do it again.

Well, right after Christmas I am going to have 4 full days of alone time. No work, no wife, no responsibilities. In preparation I bought some clothes, hid them in my secret location. Then just thursday night (today is Saturday) something came over me and I did something I've never ever done before - I shaved my legs. Immediately after I thought to myself "You idiot. That will take over a month to grow back, and what are you going to tell the wife when she asks about it?!" So since that day I have been panic stricken worrying what her reaction is going to be when she finally notices, and she hasn't! Good lord, I've walked around the house bare-legged just hoping she'd say something so I could get it over with.. but not a word. This morning we were watching TV on the bed together and (under the covers) she starts rubbing my leg.. I thought "OH BOY HERE WE GO.." but she didn't notice. WHAT'S GOING ON? Wow.. well, maybe she noticed but didn't say anything. I hope that's the case, because she's been in a great mood. If she's that happy with the knowledge that my legs are hairless then this is great. But.... I haven't really been able to enjoy it due to the terrible guilt / fear complex I have raging inside my head! I can't seem to calm down, and I'm sure it's not healthy for me to feel like this. I know some of you will respond, "You should tell your wife." Yes I know I should. But why? It's such a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. I don't want to tell the woman I love something that will cause her to love me less. There's a good chance she won't love me any less, but I don't want to risk it. Risk it for what?? I don't want to parade around the house dressed - God no. It's for me only. I don't want her to see me like that, it would really be upsetting to me. What would be gained by letting her know? It wouldn't help her any.. it probably would help me a little with my guilt feelings. But on her side.. I can't imagine how it could be a good thing. Right know she thinks, "Wow, my husband: the good looking, caring, talented, responsible provider for me and my (future) family". After I tell her she will need to insert "CROSSDRESSER", or worse.. "PERVERT". I can't live with that. I wouldn't want to damage our relationship in that way.

So I have my new clothes that I bought. I am feeling very guilty about buying them. I try to rationalize it in my mind, "I paid for it with side job money (true)." Or this one, "I'm gonna quit after this last roll in the hay". Sure, sure.... I really WANT to quit though. I just want to be normal. We're trying to have children and I fear that I will somehow let my child down with this pathetic hobby that I have.

About the clothes.. it's not the first time I've bought "items". I have purged them twice. And I gotta tell you, last night I was feeling such a rush of guilt and shame that I thought about purging this latest batch even before I've had a chance to enjoy them. WHAT THE HECK IS MY PROBLEM? I need serious help. Has anyone out there been in my situation? I would bet the answer is yes. I have been on a continuous sine wave.. up and down, up and down.. ranging from "I can't wait to put on all my new clothes and just *exist* for 4 days.." to "Good lord what am I doing. I'm a guy not a girl.. what would my wife think of me?"

It's killing me. The internal conflict is really wearing me out. Anyone out there have any advice? Sorry for the long post. When I get like this I just need to let it all out. Thanks for listening.

-- KP

[sandy999]

I know exacty what you are talking about, but in my case perhaps not as severe. I just shaved a week ago, and the wife is not too happy with me right now. The stress of trying to hide it was tearing me up too, so I just came out in a bathrobe and showed her. She has hardly talked to me all week. Of course the only thing she knows about in my past years was my use of pantyhose. I have not fully dressed in years, but I have been wearing pantyhose to bed at night and she does not notice. One day I will get caught again because I am taking way to many chances. It's definately a conflict for me because I like it an I know she would not approve. I envy those with understanding spouses.

Sandy

[Keyplayer74]

...SNIP...... but I have been wearing pantyhose to bed at night and she does not notice. One day I will get caught again because I am taking way to many chances.....
Sandy

Okay.. yeah.. I would never do THAT. Unless I was just asking to be caught. Good lord do you sleep with your wife? Trust me, if you are in the same bed, she will see the pantyhose at some point. if you are still wearing them to bed after shaving then you are a glutton for punishment.

[marie354]

I think everyone goes through that. I know I did. For many, many years. I'd purchase clothing... wear it when I was alone... Feel guilty... Throw them all away! I look back now and say to my self "What were you thinking!" I out of the closet somewhat about my feelings and my girlfriend (Wifey) knows too but, it's Been a long road to get here. I think that you should open up a bit. Say watch something on the LOGO channel if you can get that or a video like the one what was it.... Rocky horror picture show... and start a discussion about it first to feel the waters a bit so you'll know where she stands. Maybe that'll make it a bit easier for you to talk to her about it. After all, you are in love with her and not looking to go out and find a man! I've been crossdressing for years and still havn't left the house. My GG has accepted me and lets me dress any time I want. (Which is most of the time now). I still love to have sex with her, but I'm but naked when I do. She won't make love to a girl... It's just not her way. I understand it and accept it. Maybe one day I will go out of the house, but I'm not holding my breath.
I hope this helps a bit.

[Keyplayer74]

Thanks for your reply Marie. It's good to hear "You aren't alone" sometimes. But as far as opening up goes.. no, I don't think so. We did happen to see something on HBO one time while she was ruler of the remote.. and it was about crossdressers. The showed this guy - and let me tell you, he did it well. You couldn't tell she was a he. I remember it well (years ago) she looked over at me and said, "You better not try that." I don't know why she said it.. this was VERY early in our relationship and before we were married. I gave her zero reasons to suspect I dressed. Back then I didn't even have any clothes of my own. I would occasionally (GULP) try on her stuff. So I think it's safe to say she wouldn't like to see me all dolled up.

-- KP

[MJ]

hi KP
well i did not want to say anything but i will try. i too went through the guilt cycle buying cloths getting the chance to wear them then the guilt because i am a man.. but i feel like a woman and i want to be a woman but i look like a man !!!!. but i want to dress like a woman ... god i wish it would just go away please make it stop . sound familiar. KP this is a side of you that will never never go away it is a part of you it is hard wired in the womb. you have to learn to accept this part of you. sir i cant tell you there is an easy way to stop this there is not. if i may i would like to suggest a few things to you

1. please go find a consoler who deals with gender issues ( yes you have them) and tell them how you feel just like you have told us

2. stop beating your self up over this, This is apart of you.

now forgive me if i am wrong but at this moment in time i would not tell your wife anything until you see the counselor that is important. because when you know what you are dealing with then it would be best to tell her !!!. how do you know for sure she will not accept you ?. if you go to a consoler there is a valid reason .. not all woman hate what we do.. and if she relay love you what does it matter ..

you say :- I have a problem... and it's my concience. It is literally killing me, I think. I have deep shame issues regarding dressing.

KP ACCEPTANCE is the key we all have been there ..

when you get your chance to dress just tell your self this is a part of you and try to just enjoy your feminine side.. 3 or 4 days wow do you know how many here would love the chance to have that...
sorry for my long reply but please please seek professional help you will feel better about your self and happier too
KP. i wish you all the best
hugs Marissa

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

well , from a GG point of view, she "may" have a idea as such, that you do c/d ? i could be wrong, and when you said you have wlaked round house bare-legged WANTING her to actualy see, and say something, i sense maybe in a way you DO want her to find out ? plz also, you say you are intending/trying for a baby, just because you c/d doesnt stop you having the ability to be a father !! your love for your child will still be the same hun, so plz dont worry about that !
it sounds like you are so worried/scarred with your feelings that your fighting one off with the other being on the forum is a start the people on here are amazing, and give such excellant support/help when needed, to ALL of us . your in a scary place @ mo, and this "free" time u will have to urself, might just be the piece of jigsaw one way or the other .
i hope and wish you luck with whatever you choose

[Audry]

I'm just thinking that you just missed a chance Hollween.
I was once at a big family Holloween Party and one of my many Cousin's Husband dressed up in a Mini Skirt, four inch heels.with a straps, Well lets just say he was dressed to the nines And he was the life of the party, the women got the biggest kick out of it and were giving him tips on makeup etc.
they even took him in the ladies room to show him thier expertise. there was much laughter among the others that would coment on occasion.
myself secretly admiring him I wish I would have done it, But the way that he looked i no that he had not been dressed like this for the first time by all means. he looked real good. and his wife was all agog over him. He looked better then she did said some of my relatives and my Brother being the clown that he is talked him into dancing with him,, I didn't know him very well and they moved out west somewere so i have know idea if he does or dosen't. C/D god who know he could be on this very site ,,,,
Oh well just thought I would pass that on to you for what it's worth..
Good luck to you, we all know what it is like so stay in touch here and let us know of any progess if any or just get things off you chest pardon the unintended pun//

I have purged three times in my life, it was terrible, I felt as though I was getting rid of a dog that i loved or loosing a best friend,, not to mention the money I was tossing down the drain.. if you have to purge you might want to rent one of those rental sheds or something of that sort that

MJ: that was a real good bit of advice from you,
a lot better than i could have said it,,,

[Michelia]

Not that long ago I went through this. But it did not take me long to find this site and convince myself that I had to come clean. I realized I may not be able to fight this and I would not be able to keep secrets like this from my SO. So my SO and my kid and her kid and my ex know and they are all OK with it.

You sound like you may have a lot more to lose. I say try feeling her out gradually without being obvious. Maybe show a little of that sensitive side and see how she responds.

Otherwise, you are in a tough spot. I hope you find a way of navigating through this. It may help to stop thinking of yourself as a pervert of freak. You are not really. You sound responsible, faithful, loving, and considerate. So there is this little side of you that does not fit neatly into the christian way of looking at things...

Michelia

[tightsgirl]

Chances are if you quit you may start up at a later date, I've quit before and when i started again it was even more intense.

I have accepted it in my life, and i hope to find somebody that can accept it as well.

In your case you might want to tell your wife about it, she sounds like she love's you and that she might be an undestanding woman. The best thing is to just be thoughtful about it. You maybe one of the lucky ones who finds out that your wife is into it.

There are a lot of women out there that find CDing very erotic and like to make it part of their sex lives.

Most women will feel immediately threatened by it, just be genuine and reassuring and you maybe pleasently suprised at the outcome.

[EricaCD]

Keyplayer - this is a very common feeling - I would venture most of us have been through something very similar.

Unfortunately, I don't really know what to say other than that you may be asking the wrong question. If you ask "what's wrong with me?" you have already arrived at an unhealthy conclusion: that it's wrong. Like it or not, you are a crossdresser. The sooner you can make yourself understand that there is nothing inherently wrong with crossdressing, and then (and more importantly) with YOUR crossdressing, the sooner you will get through this.

Stop asking "why," what's wrong," "how do I stop". You will never come to an acceptable answer. Start asking "do I really have a fundamental objection to crossdressing in others?" "If not, then what's my issue with being a crossdresser myself?" "What are the positive aspects of my crossdressing?" "How do I constructively balance my life, given the basic reality of my crossdressing?" And so on.

It's part of you and always will be. The only foolish mistake comes from blaming yourself for that!

Good luck, and have a great time over your 4 day indulgence!!

Erica

[Kerry Owens]

Another GG, weighing in. Telling her is in the long run easier on you than keeping this secret. Honest, not everyone is going to jump up and down screaming "pervert". Only a minority. I've said it before; there are far, far worse things a man can do other than crossdressing. Lawren can tell you, we have had long talks and now that we're getting married(shock!) we've discussed so much. LOL, and yes if we can find a way there is going to be a secret wedding dress for Lawren.
(Since this is his first marriage he gets the white one)...yes, love can and does find a way so Keyplayer74 don't give up her when you explain to her. Also bring her here on the forum. The GG's section is always there for the new SO's.

[Jenniferritchie]

Another GG, weighing in. Telling her is in the long run easier on you than keeping this secret. Honest, not everyone is going to jump up and down screaming "pervert". Only a minority. I've said it before; there are far, far worse things a man can do other than crossdressing. Lawren can tell you, we have had long talks and now that we're getting married(shock!) we've discussed so much. LOL, and yes if we can find a way there is going to be a secret wedding dress for Lawren.
(Since this is his first marriage he gets the white one)...yes, love can and does find a way so Keyplayer74 don't give up her when you explain to her. Also bring her here on the forum. The GG's section is always there for the new SO's.

I dont have much advice to give you that has not already been said, except that you must try and stop thinking of yourself as a pervert,as the guil;t thing, you have nothing to be guilty of. We are who we are, nothing can change that. i do hope and pray for you that someday you will see yourself for who you really are

[Holly]

Well, KP, just what is it that you think you are? If you ask me (and you did ) you are not being honest with yourself and who you are. Oh, you've figured out a couple of things... it's sexual for you (for now) and you have no desire to present as female publicly (again, for now). You think of your dressing as a "problem" and you think it is "perverted". Given those feelings, I can understand why you don't want to tell your wife or anyone else. Others have suggested and I concur, that you need to face what you are... a crossdresser. In and of itself it is not good, nor bad; it just is. Until you can come to a point where you can accept yourself for who and what your are, the is no way in heaven or on earth that you will be able to be accepted by others. I wish the the best.

[jessica duprea]

well I went through that when I was going through puberty.
god I purged every time.
god what a roller coaster, I'd get dolled and masturbate then be guilt ridden, then burn everything or throw everything in a river or shred them.

Other times I would get dolled up and just cry and wish I was born a girl so I would be normal, because logically I was doing things only girls did.

I don't know about you but when I masturbated dressed up, I fantasized about being a girl and having sex with men, with the use of dildos and stuff.

well i didn't stop beating my self up untill I started to read about what it was I was and came to except it.

that's why my post might be a little revealing, it is one of the ways I use to except it, is to just except it.

It ain't going to go away so if ya can't beet em join em.

[Raychel]

I am with Holly on this one. What you are feeling is very natural. We have all gone thru it at one point in time. The purging, the guilt, the shame, all of it. Someday you will learn to accept yourself for who you are and just enjoy life. Then it will be alot easier to explain to your wife your inner thoughts. But for now you don't really understand it yourself, how could you possibly explain it to someone else.

Once I finnally came to grips that this is who I am, I had a very difficult time telling my wife. I was in total fear of what the consequences could be. She cried and we did have some rough times. But she still stood by me and accepted me for who I REALLY am. That is true love.

So best wishes on your travels down the road to true acceptance. Your journey has only just begun. There is plenty of support here on this forum when you need it. I am sure that we will all be glad to help if we can

Raychel

[kathy gg]

Hello, we have pmed before, and I am sorry to hear that nothing has changed.

KP you, IMHO, are not in a position at this time to share this with her. You are still labeling this "perverted" "wrong" and you still feel guilt.

I know there is guilt for NOT telling, but I think alot of the guilt is because you are so focused on being angry at yoruself that you keep spinning in the same circle you were when last we pm'ed.

What will it take to give you the epiphany you need to move forward?.....probably a LIFE ALTERING event. The death of a loved one, a personal medical crises, or eventually you will reach age 40 or so and realize that you have spent so much engery on your *male* facade that you are mentally drained and you come busting out of the closet at the speed of light leaving your wife in a tailspin.

I rally hope none of those events happen and BE the reason to being your journey to self acceptance...but that appears to be the pattern you gals like to follow....

But please stop taking chances which make your wife be the one to confront you. It is not HER responsiblity to make you fess up. When you are ready to share this with her calmly, in a dignified and respectful way {to her and the dresing} then do so. But you are not there now, and by doing what you did, you are MAKING her be the one to step up to the plate. And that woman is not responisble for you clearing your concious. This is the part where you get to use your manly self ....and stop taking unnecessary chances and putting HER in this horrible and uncalled for position.

I still believe that you need some counseling for the shame you have insisted on asocaited with dressing. I kept hoping that the forum was going to be stepping stone for aceptance,,, but it has not ...has it?

I look forward to the day when I see posts from you which don't assocate the words crossdressing with the word "wrong".

Always rooting for the good!

[Peggy55]

MJ/KP,

I don't mean to take the focus off of KP's issue but I am curious about something. I keep hearing our crossdressing desires are hard wired from birth. Why do you suppose it took me 51 years to find this out? I never had a desire or a clue until 3 months ago?????

Confused in Pantyhose (Peggy)

[Debb]

I want to let you know something from the dark side, Key.

What was said earlier about counseling was absolutely right. I see the same anger expressed in your posts as I had for many years, and dwelt on for all that time.

I ended up in a major depression, which I am only now working my way out of. Sure, there were other factors, but until you deal with the guilt and shame, you are in jeopardy of developing real health issues.

Perhaps you don't feel ready to deal with this stuff. The way you've written your post makes me feel that you are more ready than you realize; you're already on your way to a decent understanding of crossdressing and your own psychological makeup (no pun intended), and with a little guidance maybe you can get out of the danger zone.

I feel for you, Key, I think we are all with you on this one.

As for telling your wife, I will only say that telling her is the first step in outing yourself. I am with Kathy GG here, right now she may not know of your crossdressing, but she is probably suffering along with you in your distress. If not for yourself, get some counseling in order to be a better mate.

I wish you well, please keep us in the loop as you feel appropriate.

[Miamerica]

.....she is probably suffering along with you in your distress. If not for yourself, get some counseling in order to be a better mate.

I wish you well, please keep us in the loop as you feel appropriate.

+1

KP your post made my life flash before my eyes. Its as if you had written my biography.

I was miserable for years and my wife never knew why. Our relationship was good, but it was really hard to have a great relationship. So I vote for counseling - it didn't cure me, and I've got a way to go, but it helped me immensely.

Believe me, I know exactly where you're at.

[Charleen]

Hi KP, Been there, done that. It is strange that on the one hand, we have this deep feeling of guilt for dressing, then on the other hand, we want to be caught. I hid from my wife for the 30 years we were married. Didn't find this site 'till 7 months after she passed. I'm not going to speculate what would have happened if I found this years ago.
Yes, I went through all that you have, didn't shave the legs though. Got stuff, got guilty, purged ad infinitum. It wasn't untill I got here that I began to understand why I am who I am. Once I started to accept that this is the I am,and it ain't ever going to away, I started to become more at ease. Before anything else, you have to start accepting that this is who you are. That there is nothing "wrong " with you. Don't even wonder why. That has been bantered about on here constantly with no firm answer, For me, it doesn't matter why. I have had to accept that I have to wear female clothing. Always have. For many years it was all sexual. No more. as I now have the luxury to dress as I please most times, it is natural now and I'm comfortable in my own skin. Doubts still crop up when I go out. I am adrogynous when I go out wearing all femme, but jeans, button up blouse ect. My fears have been unfounded as no one notices or at least says anything.
Go easy on yourself. It's who you are. Work on that for now. It's who you are. IMHO, you need to come to grips with that first before saying anything to the wife. This site and ALL who are on here are a great resource, and counseling would probably help as been said. You have to work on you first. I wish you the best, and remember we're always here.
Love and xxxx, Lily

[Diana West]

The only thing wrong with you is that you are fighting yourself.
And that's a fight you cannot win without losing.

[suanne]

Well you have certainly struck a nerve with your thread. Thank you for being so honest with us. Seems like honesty deserves honesty. I have felt that from those who are reaching out to you with their responses. Counseling seems to be a good choice for you at this point. I would venture to say counselors are better equiped today than say 40 or 50 years ago when I was going through what you are at this time. Finding the counselor thats meets your needs will probably be the task.

Suanne

ps. If you throw away those clothes before you have your four days alone you will probably just get more....or feel absolutely rotten all by yourself for those days. Maybe you should take a trip. I can pick you up at the airport.

[tekla west]

Guilt is always a self-inflicted deal.

[Calliope]

Shot through the heart and ... I'm (??) to blame (?!?!)
Dang, me, myself and I give lovin' a bad name.

[Sulk.]