How do you tell your SO that!!

[DeniseNJ]

I don't know the best way to tell my wife that I want to attend a night or day out with some other Crossdressers. I really wanted to go to this X-mas party tonight as Denise , It was a support group in Jersey I even E-Mailed the hostess and got directions. I would have met at some motel and gotton dressed and went over to the party. I got scared and never went Reading all these posts on how exciting it is to go out dressed {and not on Halloween , that don't count } has me wanting this feeling badly. I have gotton some nice comments from you girls that gave me courage to move further. I Know I need to see what it is like to be Denise around others to see if I like that feeling. I am a bit nervous because once I walk through that door, I know my life is going to change. The first time most of you met with other CD's be it at a bar, social event, home or mall, did you tell your [No so supporting wife} ??? <> Hey hon, I just wanted you to know that tonight I will be dressed as a woman and enjoying the night as a girl. I will do my best to pass as a female so don't worry about me I have been practicing. I will be late so don't wait up. She is already suspusious that I am chatting with some of you but doesn't know of the pictures I posted or the threads I started. I think she might have seen the site maybe So what would you girls do , or what suggestions do you have. I don't like to be sneeky, but we are all a little sneeky at times. any advise Hugs denise

[Holly]

Denise, if you think that she is already suspicious, then it's time for "the talk." Chances are, if she is suspicious, that what she is imagining is much worse than the truth. You know that your feelings are not going to change. The longer you wait, the harder it will become. You of course know best, but I can assure you that it will not get easier.

[Leslie Foxx]

I Know I need to see what it is like to be Denise around others to see if I like that feeling. I am a bit nervous because once I walk through that door, I know my life is going to change.

The camaraderie of "sisters" will make you wish you'd done it much sooner. Just take into consideration that you have a partner for whom this is uncharted and very scary territory, and she will likely feel all kinds of emotions. Be prepared and be open and honest, loving and supportive. It's not just about you.

I hope you will find it liberating to allow you to be yourself. It takes a whole lot of energy and creates a lot of stress to posture as someone you're not. Believe me, I know.

[Beckii_aCDInOz]

Denise, I agree with Holly.

Your obviously holding doubts if your SO is suss already, besides, think what it's doing to you personally. Granted we all think the worse outcome and we let that fuel our fears ever further. I know how hard it is to get the courage up to start that "talk", but, as hard as it is, its like a BIG weight has been lifted when the truth is finally out there.

I'd be sitting down with some quiet time in my own personal space and work on what you may say and how your going proach the subject. Unless you want your SO to totally freak, I wouldn't be breaking the news like "Hey hon, I just wanted you to know that tonight I will be dressed as a woman and enjoying the night as a girl."


hugs

x

beckii

[MJ]

well the first time i get to meet new friends from here thay are in drab male mode if we get along then. the next time i let them come to my appartment to change and then we go out and enjoy our trip to the mall or coffee shop or whatever we chose to do..then after we get back my friend can chang back in to drab and go home.. it's better than nothing but sometime the S.O are not interested in what or wear there partner goes. as long has the S.O does not see them dressed things seems to slide.. i think you should go .. you will regreat it if you dont go..
it is better to talk to your wife. tell her you were out with the guys ... thats all..oh and you did not lie

[Joyciecd]

To be blunt - sorry - you have answered your question Either abandon the idea, or come clean to your wife. Sneaking is apparently not in your repitoire.

[paulaN]

I have the same problem. compounded. 1. I would have to travel a long ways to go out with a sista. probley Portland about 4 hrs. 2. that would cost a lot of money just for a night out. my bank account isn't over flowing with money. 3. the wife and I have talked about this and she doesn't realy like the hole idea. she knows me realy well and does not trust me that much. she is afraid I would end up in the sack with someone. 4 I don't trust myself It could turn into something that I can't handle.I never had sex I didn't like and I would love to have sex with another Cd. I have been fathfull all these years and I would hate to screw that up. how ever I would love to just go shopping with a sista and have a great time. that would be so much fun.

[Cathy_NJ]

Denise, I know I'm replying late to this thread, but I only just got my "typing licence" this evening..... it seems you and I share a lot in common, primarily the fear. I'd love to be 'out ' too but many meny years of hiding have made the need to hide a part of the very fiber of my being. I hope you can overcome yours, and not become like me. I wouldn't wish my life on a cockroach! Oh wait..... they come out at night!

[Calliope]

Yup, get it over with and see if she can deal. And, certainly, help her deal.

Sneaking around infers shame and if your dressing merges long enough with hiding, I think it will become warped.

Good luck ... and remember, CDs are rare and wonderful people!

[EricaCD]

Don't sneak. Be completely candid and explain that (assuming you are to be trusted to keep your relations platonic) one of the more constructive and positive ways to get a chance to express your fem side in a public context!

Good luck! Erica

[Sharon_Rose]

My wife lived a very sheltered life even though the way we were raised was very similar...on our own, alone, responsible for ourselves. I would say, and still think, that she was close to being a puritan. How you approach your SO is very dependent upon their value system. I let my wife know when she was very depressed. I tried to lighten things up by telling her she wasn't alone with her problems. Wellllll....that did not work at all.

The doubts, the fights, the "inspections" resulted. It wasn't until 1993 that she finally came to grips with the fact that I like to cross dress. She was afraid that I would leave her for a man [yuck!] She was afraid our children would find out. Finally, the truth came out...."I would know how to fight another woman for you, but I don't know how to fight that woman if it is you.

We have been married 44 years. Do I wish it were different? Yes. Am I sorry? Yes...only because I didn't know how to explain it to her.

[Robin 36]

one of the more constructive and positive ways to get a chance to express your fem side in a public context!

This is really the best point. I assume she knows you cross dress (you don't say here). you need to explain why this outlet is a healthy non-risky form of support. Alternatives may not be as good.

[samantha#1]

Hi Denise, I solved that issue immediately after coming out to my wife; and that is, I never go out dressed without her. Over the many years I have dressed I have ventured out on only a small proportion of those times and in each instance my wife has been there with me. Although these trips were a marvelous experience it is not something that i crave for. Given our roles where we live we take our private time very private so naturally almost all of my dressing is done at home, where due to layout of the house and garden I can pretty much roam free from detection all day any day. During work hours I also have the opportunity to dress for at least 3 hours every day when I am out in the back office doing our business paperwork (just call me super secretary).
Hope it all works out for you.
Samantha

[kathy gg]

I am nto going to tell YOU what to do...that you will have to figure out for yourself.....

But I will share a story that is unfolding with a couple I know. Wife is actually pretty understanding and accepting for hubbies cding. Wife just asks the hubbby to keep her *in the know* as to what he would like to do. Well she had a feeling that he had started communicating with a local cd. Of course this hubby has no interest in being friends with us, because we are friends with his wife and {like you} I think he likes sneaking around more than he likes keeping things open and honest. ....sooo..... anyhoo he made plans to meet with this new cd, but he told his wife he would be working *late*. Of coruse the truth is , she has no problem what so ever with him doing any of this. {again, this is just so he can make a freind, nothing sexual or anythign else}. She found emails which I guess he did not realize he had not completley erased....well now of course she is just so mad and feeling hurt that he did not just come out and tell her what his plans are and she is starting to think that being accepting of him mean snothing because of this newest blantant lie he has got caught in.

anyway, the moral of the story is that people who sneak around and play games usually/eventually get caught. And if your wife already knows one is a cd, why would one want to keep any meetings with other cd's a secret if there is nothing to be suspicious about?

But hey....I know some guys like to play games and do the cloak and dagger......

[michelleceedee]

Since my then live in girlfriend found some pictures and stuff 12 years ago, I have been "out" Great except that for reasons I can't remember, she also assumed that I just did it at home and very rarely. I was about to correct that misimpression when she was diagnosed with cancer. Boom, life on hold and rightly so. Finally after several years and her in remission, I wrote her a note that explained why "Michelle" needed some friends and that if one side of me was unhappy, it was only a matter of time before all of me was miserable. I asked her to join me in some mild forays outside and that if she was not comfortable with that, then to allow me some freedom to join a support/social group 1 night a week. I explained that it would allow me to "vent" Michelle and that would be better for our relationship. Surprisingly she agreed right away. Seems she had done some research and found out that CDs are CDS forever and realized that I needed to be "Michelle" regularly. Over time, she has increased my allowence of "Michelle" time and seen how it helped our relationship. She still does not join me but has bought me clothes, discussed CDing with me and asked about the people I meet and know. We got married 4 years ago despite or because of Michelle and things are better than ever. Her cancer is in remission, we are very happy and she even kids me about my closets stuffed with clothes, shoes and various "Michelle" items. Moral: Don't sneak-you will get caught and the damage you do may be fatal to your relationship. Although my wife is not thrilled with "Michelle" all the time, she at least respects her for being honest and forthright. Not bad traits to build on!

[Eugenie]

Meeting other "sisters" is indeed a great experience. Once tried, once adopted for life...

First of all, your SO must know about your x-dressing. In that case telling one's SO about having a meeting with other CDs is most important for a trusted relationship. But that has to be done in a way that respects SOs feelings about one's x-dressing. With a fully accepting SO, no problem about telling "Hi Hun, there's a CD party next Wednesday, I hope we don't have anything planned as I'd like to go." (always warn her in advance )

When the SO isn't aware of one's x-dressing, which is often the case, then going to a CD party will not allow for anything but finding excuses to be out that afternoon or that night, hence taking risks, feeling bad about cheating, being anxious of being discovered, etc. I'm not blaming sisters who are in this situation, just empathizing with their difficulties.

In my case the situation is somewhat in between. My SO knows about my x-dressing and has known for more than 30 years. She still doesn't like it but has come to accept that X-dressing means too much for me for stopping doing it, so she tollerates it. She also knows that I meet "sisters" but prefers that I remain modest about that subject. So I'm going out with CD friends without telling her explicitely since any reference to my x-dressing hurt her feelings. Actually, I don't go out with sisters in the town where I live. I only attend meetings when I'm traveling on business trips alone. My SO knows I'm doing it, but is not bothered by having to actually face it. This is also a way of respecting her.

Like many subjects discussed here, there is no black and white answer, it is always in shades of gray... But one learns such things when one's hair also turn gray


Eugenie

[JoAnnDallas]

Like you, my wife does not know about my other self. Then too I have hobbies and interests and goto meetings and conventions that she has no interest in. So when HEF2006 came here to Dallas, I decided to go. It is an annual Tri-Ess gathering of CDer's from all over the country. It was also my first time not only at a Tri-Ess function but meeting other CDer's like myself. I was very nervious about going, but once I step out of the SUV dressed and walked into the Hotel, all my fears drained away and I had a ball the whole day and evening. I even got a "MorningMam" when I was first entering the hotel and a male guest walked out at the same time. Put a big smile on my face.

[melissaK]

DeniseNJ, once again, this forum has risen to the challenge: giving overwhelming and sound suggestions. We all have different background personality issues that set the manner with which we deal with our CD issues. The answer for "you" has been covered in the many posts, and after thought and reflection I am sure you will find "your" way to it.

Hugs