Ok, this is going to be a long read, so please bear with me.
For as long as I can remember I've had a severe indifference to all aspects of my life. For almost every question I've ever been asked my answer is usually "I don't care, whatever you want is fine with me". I've always just assumed that I was just trying to be easy to get along with, but now I think there is way more to this attitude. Like alot of crossdressers I tend to view most women with a envious eye; their wardrobe, jewelry, accessories, hair, make-up, bodies. However, after years and years of turning green at the sight of any moderately attractive woman I've discovered that I am not jealous over their appearance, instead I am jealous of their existance. To look feminine is one thing and alot of us strive to reach a femme appearance. I now realize that I am really striving for a feminine life. I've tried for so long to fit the guy image that my family, friends and society want me to be, that I bottled up and buried these feelings until now. So the more I've been thinking about this and the more I start to analyze my life I see that I'm really more TS instead of CD. I've tried to deny this fact for my whole life but looking back I now see that I've only been trying to be happy as a guy, but inside I am miserable because the world cannot see me for the female that I am.
I've mentioned a couple of times on this board that I've recently been wanting to explore my transgendered self more and more. Specifically, I've been wanting to mix in some femme items into my regular guy clothing. I thought that this was my attempt at pushing the envelope of my crossdressing, but I realize I was slowly letting my femme side become more and more public. In my mind I believed that one day I would begin wearing wearing obviously femme items and start presenting myself as female more often (and eventually everyday). Coming to this realization actually came as a relief to me. Now I understood alot of how/why I acted the way I did growing up. Knowing that it is possible to work towards a transition that will finally let me be who I am supposed to be seemed to lift a weight off of my shoulders. I met with a professional therapist/counsellor two weeks ago and she felt that I had my head on straight, that if I felt that I truly was meant to be a woman then it would be in my best interest to begin transition sooner rather than later.
So I'm on my way right? Not really. Even though I had finally set all of this straight in my own head, I now had to find a way to break the news to my lovely wife of 7 years. She has always been supportive of my crossdressing and even though we've been through some ups and downs of setting and adjusting boundries, I just knew that this was going to be the mother of all conversations. She asked me how my couselling sessions went (she was hoping that I could find a way to cool off my wanting to dress in public and learn to be happy with the level of crossdressing that have acheived). I basically, said that even though this was our first meeting, the therapist's professional opinion was that for my own mental and emotional health, I should explore the possibility of transitioning (ie. further therapy sessions, coming out to family and friends, hormones, etc.) Obviously, this was not the answer she had been hoping for. She was very upset and asked me if I really wanted to be a woman, yes or no? I said its not that simple, I don't want to lose you, I don't know how far I would want to transition, I need to find out more about the process,etc. She cut me off, and said do you want to be a woman yes or no? If I wasn't here would you be starting this process? I couldn't lie, so I said probably yes. Well, with that she said she was leaving, and went to start packing her things. I rushed to her and said that I don't want to hurt her, that I need her in my life just as much as I need to be my true self. That in fact, she is the only person I ever want to share my life with either as a man or a woman. That without her I'd be miserable as a woman. We ended up talking for hours, crying, yelling, and talking some more. But in the end she decided that she could not stay married to me if I decided to followup on any of this tranistion talk. She could handle me dressing up and going out to "friendly" places and events, but she did not want to wake up everyday to a woman even though she is bisexual. She married a man and she wants it to stay that way. I guess I can see where she is coming from, and she has every right to feel that way.
So the decision all came down to me. Do I leave my wife and begin a journey of transition and see what happens? Or do I keep my marriage alive, keep the person I love the most in my life and continue to use my crossdressing as an outlet to express my true female self? Well, I just couldn't do it. I love my wife too much, to just throw my life with her away. I still feel that I am truly a TS, but its just not meant to be, transition can't be an option. So as a couple we are going to re-commit to each other. I'm going to do my best to accept the great support and freedom that I have already acheived and she is going to be more active in finding ways for me to express my femme side to others more frequently. We are investigating the possiblitity of going to a tG gathering like Fantasia Fair or First Event in the near future.
The next few weeks and months might be a little awkard but I'm hoping we can work through it. I just have this huge feeling of cautious relief and really felt the need to share.
Thanks for reading.