She Asked Me When Do I Want To Sell The House

[melissacd]

For those of you who may have followed the relationship events in my life this thread may not come as a surprise. I throw this out there in the hopes that I can get some sage advice.

The other day my wife asked me to go out to lunch with her. In the middle of the lunch she asks me - "When do you want to sell the house?" - to which I replied - "Whatever do you mean?".

The rest of the conversation revolved around that opening statement. She said that clearly I was not going to stop CDing and she will never accept it and so she wanted to know when we should sell the house and separate. I said to her that I felt that we should go to more counselling in the new year to which she responded, to what end? She said that she was never going to change her mind about CDing. She asked, what is the purpose of going and I said to work through our relationship issues including my CDing and to get her to open her mind just a little bit and try to understand.

Later in the conversation she said that perhaps it would be the wrong time to sell the house and split up because her mother is living with us and she did not want to uproot her, better she said to wait until she passes on. She also said that one of the issues with staying together was that I wanted to have sex (hmmm - amazing her sense of perception in what one expects from a married relationship) and she said that she did not want that anymore because sex is not important at this age (her 55, me 48 - I did not realize there was an expiry date) and that the only reason that I wanted sex anyway was for validation (of what? I said I enjoyed the intimacy).

Anyway the conversation continued to go in this peculiar way and then she asked me if I had started seeing anyone else and I said emphatically NO. and I asked her if she was seeing someone and she said she never wants to have a mate again because they are too much trouble.

So, by the end of the conversation, I told her that I still cared for her, wanted to find some way to make this work (she said sure as friends if I can accept that - I said I could not) and somehow managed to get her across the goal line of agreeing to going to further counselling.

From that point until now she has been, for the most part, very lovey dovey with me, saying hon this and babe that and hugging me and yet I know she is still thinking separation.

I am so damn confused about all of this. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this before and somehow managed to a) stay in the relationship b) been able to get acceptance of the cross dressing and c) resume normal intimacy? I am looking for guidance. I feel like I am losing my mind over this.

Ahhhhhh

Melissa

[KimberlyS]

Melissa, When is the last time you took your wife out on a date? Maybe it is time to have a date and do some of the things you like to or did like to do together.

Tell her some of the reasons you married her. And ask her some of the reasons she married you.

I think pushing for more counseling is a good thing if you can find or already have one that you both can relate to. I wish you the best of luck with renewing your marriage.

KimberlyS-CD

[kerrianna]

Hi Melissa, I wish I could give you some good advice but I'm just as :shocked: as you are.

I hope the counselling will help.

The only thing I know is that at 48 my sex drive is as high as it has ever been, and my SO who is 9 years older hasn't slowed down any either. But everyone's different so I won't comment on your wife's 'expiry date'. You know what you need though, so I hope it works out for you. It sounds to me like you certainly are doing your best to make it work.

Wish I could have been of more help.

[pinkshelly]

Well my two cents is, it sounds like she needed to feel like you still loved her and fighting like you did showed her. By fight like you did you fought for her. Make cense? It would make me feel all lovey dovey if you fought for me like that.
Huggs, Shelly.

[Chiana]

"Women are from Venus and men are from Mars." I have no idea where CD's are from but my ex used to have me completely confused about what she wanted. Your story sounds familiar. My former cohabitational partner knew nothing about my dressing. So that wasn't a factor in our case. But she still is my "ex." Any advice I could give might be useless. But I would try the dating suggestion. Sounds good to me. Good luck.

[Angie G]

Mailssa start datind and corting your wife maybe some gifts flowers movies not at home keep telling her you love her I think she needs that and the best of luc to you hun
Angie

[Calliope]

Melissa,

I can relate to a lot of what you describe. I'm going to warn you, I won't be sugar-coating my thoughts - so if you're looking for a happy ending, skip the following.

Counselling isn't going to do any good if your wife has emphatically decided she will 'never [...] change her mind' about your dressing. If you push on, chances are she will attempt to bring the therapist around to her view - and, who knows, there's enough therapists who might go along with this. Or at least get stuck on the CDing when the marriage problems are, no doubt, much more complicated. That certainly was my experience.

The sex issue is also familiar with me. It's my belief that once the lovemaking stops - for a prolonged period - the marriage is pretty well cooked. It's possible couples can surmount the problem - renew the domestic 'exchange' in some parallel way - but, generally, once a partner has shut down sexually, it's obvious the romance is gone. The other partner can deal, be bitter or find another mate.

Regarding the house, it seems your wife said that to shake you up and get you listening. Obviously, that strategy succeeded. With her mother living there, it seems your wife's suggestion was more bluster than intention. At the risk of sounding manipulative, it's good to know where an asset can be found. You might even consider contacting a lawyer - before she does.

I believe once couples talk about divorce - it's inevitable.

My deepest, sincerest condolences.

[uknowhoo]

I'm afraid I don't have much in the way od sage advise to offer.
How about a instead. Even before I came out to my wife, I was often somewhat confused - part of that being the venus, mars thingy - and now, even more so.

I do wish you luck, and believe her agreeing to counseling has to be a positive development.

Do keep us posted.

xoxo

T

[Sally2005]

I'm eperiencing some turbulence with my wife also, not over CDing though, it is a complex equation with many factors. Our communications have mostly broken down and we don't talk a lot about 'stuff' mostly because we spend all of our time with our preschooler. For now that is a good distraction, but eventually we have to find a way to get to know each other again and remember the past we had and build a better future. I guess when all else fails, you can remind her that she 'made a lifetime commitment to you through the good and bad and sickness and health' and you expect that she doesn't just give up trying to make it work. Talk about the issues around what has changed since then. It seems that after so many years together it would be silly to throw it all away over one thing that you can't agree on. You must have other things that you don't agree on, maybe use the solution for dealing with them as a model. Anyway, I hope you have success and the idea of going on a date or dedicating time just to talk is good.

[Bernadina]

I haven't been through that experience fortunately.

I always believe that my wife should be treated like a Princess and shown much consideration, kindness and love. The dating idea is good but carry it all the way one step at a time and show her how much you really do love and appreciate her.

Maybe even show her how being a CDer helps you to understand her better. Now you know about her clothes and makeup etc. Go with her when she goes shopping and see if she appreciates your advice and suggestions. Its your call on this one though.

Maybe she feels threatened and needs to be reassured that your CDing is not a threat.

My 2 cents worth.

[Kate Simmons]

Melissa, You know my situation. I am still married but my wife will never, ever accept Ericka. We have not been intimate in the last five years, even so I still love her very much and always will. She is living with her Mom and taking care of her as she cannot bear being around me while Ericka exists. That leaves me more or less on my own. There has been no talk of selling the house or anything. I'm thinking she is still hoping I will give this up. Fat chance of that. I've lived most of my life as a sham. To return to that sham is unthinkable for me.This is who I truely am. To attempt to return to who I "was" just isn't worth it to me and I doubt that I would want to continue living. Sometimes you have to make a choice and this is mine. I have no desire to transition and even now(after retiring) I've been giving myself the opportunity to see if I would really want to live as Ericka full time. I still enjoy being Richard somewhat but will see how it goes. I need to know if I truely want to do this all the time which is why I asked the GG's for that advice recently.
Your wife is probably thinking you will "come around" but I think I know you well enough to say that will not happen. It's tough in a lot of ways but sadly, this is the stance many women take. They feel they married a man and not a man who is a part time woman. My wife has told me this pointedly many times. The thing many women don't realize is that this is a part of who you are that probably attracted them to you to begin with. To attempt to "assinate" that part of yourself just doesn't work. It's like telling someone they need a lobotomy and you expect them to function normally afterward. It's a tough choice but only you know how important this part of yourself is. To me it's life itself.
I don't know how my situation is going to end up with my marriage but I do know that the Ericka part of me is here to stay. If we can work something out, it would be nice but Ericka isn't going anywhere. I know you love your wife and I love mine but I sometimes wonder how their professed love can be so conditional. Bottom line is that if I chucked Ericka (which I had been considering), I know I would never truely be happy no matter what else I did. It's a big part of me and who I am. I cannot just kill a part of myself with impunity. I hope things work out for you but it's looks like a long road ahead. As always I'm here to talk to as is everyone else. Ericka Kay

[Suzie Green]

All I can add is my own as a newbie here. I have the most understanding wife in the world. We have been married for 33 years and there is nothing but 100% love and trust between us. On many nights in bed, we have spent hours at a time in rambling conversation, talking about a number of subjects. Even after all this time it has taken me until just last week to unload my desire to crossdress upon her. As was expected, she is behind me 100%, just as she would be if I asked her about what color to paint the house, is it time to buy a new car, what should we do about her Dad who is getting older and not doing well on his own...etc. I'm not saying this is the case in your situation, but often when a partner will not accept something about you, it's based upon a deeper mistrust or unwillingness to accept you. Right now it's about crossdressing, but it could be about wanting to own a horse, wanting to join a co-ed bowling league without her, you name your position and she could figure a way to build a fence against it.

It's not about the crossdressing, but you will not convince her of that. Yes, I think you should continue to try counseling, perhaps with a different professional. Please don't give up.

[Eugenie]

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this before and somehow managed to a) stay in the relationship b) been able to get acceptance of the cross dressing and c) resume normal intimacy? I am looking for guidance. I feel like I am losing my mind over this.

Melissa

Hi Melissa,

By now you will have read many answers to your post. These show you that unfortunately you're not alone

My situation is somewhat similar to yours. Wife knowing but not accepting to see me "en femme", Unlike yours, mi wife doesn't want to hear about coucelling. She doesn't believe in that sort of things...

She is however somewhat tolerant with me having my own cupboard with my "femme" clothes, letting me meet other CDs on the internet or in real life providing she doesn't know about it.

Last year she nevertheless threatened me to divorce when she noticed I had shaved my arms. I managed to make her understand how it came about. I stopped shaving for a while, but then started again. She knows I'm doing it but this time decided to ignore...

We haven't had sex for the past 8 years. Her atitude isn't completely linked to my X-dressing, some other factors are at play. In that domain, not even a single tenderly gesture. I can accomodate with that situation...

She knows I can't stop x-dressing, I know she can't change her mind about it.

We are now just like long time friends: 37 years wedding plus five years before we got married...

So far, our couple stil holds. A few things have helped :

I did a lot of efforts to pay more attention to her wants and needs, redone a few home work in our flat for example, and made some long term projects with her to show her that I didn't intend to leave her.

As a result, eventhough she still doesn't like my x-dressing, she is a little less negative about it... On a few occasions she alluded to it in a way that wasn't negative , that's not so bad...

Perhaps your wife will progressively evolve like mine. I also evolved toward's her views.

I wish you all the best for your future.

Very warm
Eugenie

[Marla S]

Very sorry to hear Melissa,

but I am all with DayTripper.

It seems done.

She decided it, but now you should take the action.

Being kind and caring reads here more like a big relief and maternal instinc (she's already over it, and you've not yet started).

[lady lycra]

Melissa,
Counselling isn't going to do any good if your wife has emphatically decided she will 'never [...] change her mind' about your dressing.

I can't agree with this.

My wife has said the same, but after counselling she's a lot more accomodatimng than she was before it. I'm not saying that the counselling has made her like my CDing but she's OK with certain aspects of it now.

Counselling isn't the ONE answer though. I don't think that our counsller was that good. She didn't seem open to me being a CD either. I had to convince her, before we made any progress with my wife... I basically had to counsel the counseller

All marriages have problems. They all go stale after a while. My wife and I rarely have sex, and we're not 40 yet. My wife's drive is a lot lower than mine. We've talked about splitting on more than one occasion, but we never will. We know that we love each other too much. Our problems can be overcome, and they often are. They may not vanish completely but they do go away, if only to surface another day, but providing we understand this, we will survive.

Melissa, stick with it. Be as kind and caring as you can be. Be understanding.
Suprise your wife with a meal or similiar. Run her a bath and offer to do her back, but don't add any sexual content into it... Make her feel at ease, without the pressure of wanting sex.
Having her mother living with you can't be easy either. I would hate that. It must be difficult to be a couple when there are 3 of you. Your wife's love and loyalty will be split, and I bet that her mother gets the lion's share. That's nature. Can you do something about this? A trip away perhaps?

Take it slowly, show your wife that she is your world, and if needs be, cut down on your CDing a bit. You have to decide which is more important.

Good luck

LL

[ashlee chiffon]

sounds pretty cut and dry and her mind is set in stone...either that, or she is trying to force play you into giving up your dressing habits. But the fact that she has told you also that she doesn't want another mate, because they are too much trouble, tells you there are other issues besides the dressing...
hate to say it, but the chances of this working out don't look too good...
i've been there...its a bad situation!
You may need some therapy to work thru this...don't rule it out!

[stacylynn1]

hon one more thing you might want to start putting some money away just in case stacylynn1

[Carroll]

Just one point; Counselling is a great idea, but try to find one that is knowledgable about transgender issues, or at least one that is willing to research and be objective about it.

[Marcie Sexton]

I think the one thng we all have in common with a S/O is the threat we pose< they preceive >to them...I think first they fear the worse we are some sort of pervert, then we want a man, and if that is your cup of tea good for you, but in my case and sounds as you're in the same boat, we are happy with the person we are with.
In my case we had some really serious problems, as a matter fact I gave my dressing up for almost a year to appease her. This created more problems with less and less communications...Then in November she suddenly came to me and ask to see Marcie again...She has bought me clothes and as a matter of fact a really nice gown for Christmas. With all that said, I would suggest some serious heart to heart chats, not that it will be easy, ours wasn't atleast at first, but slowly we came to know each other, perhaps in a way we never knew each other before. I'm quite sure there are some mixed feelings, but we talk...and that is the most important thing...communicate, communicate, communicate...
I can only hope that your situation will have the same out come mine has...Wish you good luck...
But as one of the girls suggested, dont put all your eggs in the same basket...
I have some rainy day resources stored away...just in case...and still do...
that will provide a measure of comfort and support in the event things go south...My motto is don't give up, don't ever give up, but have that out in the event your efforts and desires are nixed by the S/O...

Good luck and God bless...take this time of year to start that process of understanding between the two of you...

[MJ]

hey Melissa
i am so sorry to here that Hun . as i say never give up hope. i am there for you call me or come over, or better still lets got out i am looking forward to next year and our many outings
hugs Marissa

[christie]

I am by no means an expert, so this is just my opinion. It sounds like your cding is the main issue. I think you should show her that you are still the man she married even though you cd. How you do that is up to you, but if you love her fight like hell and do what you need to do while still staying true to yourself. Good luck.

Christie

[toniinoz]

Golly Melissa, that sounds all too familiar , the counsellor telling her I would change sex , she making plans to sell the house & move to another state ,until she decided to ask me what were my intentions , I told her no GRS , happy to stay as I am , no more problems. Ask her if that is her fear, or is she afraid of feeling like a lesbian , as my SO told me that is how she would feel. Probably no help to you as we are all different , but the very best of luck to you both. Hugs , toni oz

[ubokvt]

Hi Mallissa
I very sorry you've come to this place in your relationship, I know how hard it is. First I would say the issue here isn't CDing. CDing is just the tool to focus the issue away from the real problem. You wifes comments on sex indicates real issues with intamicy and comunication in the relationship and her coments on mates are just too much trouble pushs issues of trust and shared goals. You appear to want a close physicaly intimate relationship and your wife wants something else, I don't know what that is, DO YOU! I'd start here, ask you self what kind of relationship (where do you see you and your partner, don't think in terms of your wife because it may not be her) do you want a year from now, 5yrs and 10yrs In this think intamicy, family, work, and ageing, what qualities must your parner have for you to accept them and be happy. write this down sit with it then do it again. Then sit down and have a talk with your wife truly find out about her and her expectations. If she can't, won't talk about it, your done, you have your answers. if she will you;ve got a place to start. If you start give up on outcomes accept any outcome including divorce is possible and just get really clear where both of you at at what both of you want and how both of you want to live your lives then you can make some decisions. Don't focus on CDing thats not the issue.

[JenniferR771]

melissa,
sounds a lot like my situation. Counseling didn't help much because counselor was not tg friendly nor knowledgeable, as per above comments. My wife refuses to accept, and refuses to discuss cd--can barely say the word. Just friends at times. Claims she would never want another man--"They are all jerks!" Daytripper has made some good points. I give my wife space. But Jan and I are still together, and i try to be nice to her--like we were still dating. I laugh at her jokes, sympathize with her problems, agree with her asbackwards politics. And give her backrubs and foot massages. And i discovered intimacy is not out of the question.

[Stormgirl]

Just wow,typical female