Confidence broken by friend.

[ShortSkirt]

I'm not really sure where to start this, so I'll just dive right in.

I need some advice and differing points of view, and especially from the GG's. I hope you may be able to shed some light on why she would do this.

I have a close female friend, thats known I've dressed for quite some time. She's also known that I dont want it made "public knowledge". Last night she had a "heart to heart" with a friend of hers, also female, and married, and she told her about me and my dressing. Just last week we had a talk about this friend of her's, and she told me she didn't trust her enough to tell her anything too personal for fear it would get to her other friend's, and then she turns around and does this, to me, after knowing full well, I dont want it everyone business.

I really can't understand why she did this. She told me that her friend is fine with it and accepting of it, but that's not the point in my eye's. I feel betrayed. She asked me if I was ok with what she did and my reply was, "I'm not sure what to think of this right now it's a shock". I can't say whether it's ok or not.

So I ask you all, am I justified in feeling this way, or am I over-reacting?

[DonnaT]

Sounds like you're quite justified.

It is a reminder/lesson to others. Once you've let the cat out of the bag, it won't go back in.

[kerrianna]

It sounds like the answer to her question is "NO! I'm NOT ok with this!" That's pretty obvious from your post.

You might not want to say it because she will feel bad (and so she should). She might have just been too chatty and wanted to tell someone about you and made what sounds like a mistake. I doubt she did it intentionally to hurt you - but the fact is she shouldn't have done it and she owes you at least an apology.

I'm sorry she did that to you. It could cause you lots of headaches - at least worry about who knows what - she has a lot of sucking up to do.

My

[Kate Simmons]

I know how you feel Hon. 6 years ago when I first came out, I told my Brother in confidence. He proceeded to blurt it out to the whole family. Now, none of them associate with me unnecessarily. Evidently, this is some kind of "disease" that is contagious. That, in itself, showed me just how shallow some people really are as I've never changed one iota. Family members seem to be the worst when it comes to stuff like this. They act as if you've taken someone away from them when it was nothing of the kind.This is all the more reason I appreciate everyone for who they are as a person. I shortchange myself actually if I let something like that get in the way of my feelings for people. Everyone is different and you have to celebrate rather than suppress that diversity. Ericka Kay

[DonnaT]

Yes, you should tell her you're upset with her for telling. Especially if you don't want her to tell anyone else, though her friend may take care of that.

[ShortSkirt]

I've made it perfectly Swarovski Crystal clear, that it's absolutely no one's business but my own, and if I desire to tell anyone, it's my job and my job ONLY.

I'm trying to find reason in her action, and I'm unable. She has yet to apologize, and she even got defensive. She, got defensive?

I guess I'm trying to find an......acceptable, explanation for this so I can deal with it and not feel betrayed?

I asked her what she thought my reaction would be and she replied, "I thought you'd be happy and think it was a good thing."



***Goes to listen to Genesis - Land of Confusion***

[Sweet Jane]

Hi

once you reveal a "secret" to anyone, it isn't a secret any longer...only tell another person, any person, what you want the world to eventually know...and knowing that scares the sh1t out of me.

[kerrianna]

She's proabably defensive because she knows she f*kd up. If you want to salvage the friendship you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with her when you both are feeling calm. Maybe she could explain why she did it. Maybe she can't.

You should definitely tell her how it has made YOU feel. Maybe that's what you need to focus on right now - not why she did it - but how you feel about it. There is no denying how something makes you feel, so if you can articulate it to her then it's up to her to decide what to do to make it better with you. A real friend will get that.

[Lessa Lynn Young]

"Just last week we had a talk about this friend of her's, and she told me she didn't trust her enough to tell her anything too personal for fear it would get to her other friend's, and then she turns around and does this, to me, after knowing full well, I dont want it everyone business."


If I am reading this correctly, she can't trust this person with her own secrets, yet apparently thinks she can be trusted with your biggest secret. My only suggestion is to ask her calmly as to why this is so. Depending on how much you value this friendship will decide how you broach the question. My advice is that you maintain a calm level headed position and try to keep her at the same level. None of us can predict how she will react to it and only you know how it may turn out. In the end though you need to make your feelings on the matter clear and consice to her.


Best of luck

[Delila]

This is just proof of my general belief... Trust no one there is no person living that you can trust with something you need to truly keep secret. I almost have to wonder if you told this friend with some deep down need to come out publicly. Im probably wrong but then Im paranoid too.

[Brooke A]

I would drop this person as a freind. You keep looking for an explanation
as to why she would do this, it's because she's not a good freind. Freinds
should have your back, not stab you in it.
Brooke A.

[Mary Morgan]

When you told your "friend", you gave away ownership of your secret. It shouldn't be that way but it is. When she told your secret, she gave away your friendship. Very sad whether intentional or not. If you choose to go to war over this, you risk her telling many others out of spite. At this point, you already run the risk that her friend will tell others. I cannot tell you what you should do, this is one of those "lesser of evils" kinda issues, but I would express strongly my disappointment and make my feelings clear without inflaming the situation. All you can do is hope for the best, whatever that is.

[older not wiser]

I would drop this person as a freind. You keep looking for an explanation
as to why she would do this, it's because she's not a good freind. Freinds
should have your back, not stab you in it.
Brooke A.

Right on the money, nothing more can be added!!!!

BonnieAnne

[Stormgirl]

Typical backstabber,if she can't keep something like this confidential then you need to remove her from your life,sweep this incident under a rug and be resilient, and go on with life.

Some people = shit.

[SusanTL]

Hi.

I agree that this person can not be trusted. She broke your trust and lied to you. This is not a friend.

I would drop her myself.

Susan

[Sandra]

I don't think she is much of a friend and I certainly wouldn't tell her anything more.

[Elaine Lynn]

I don't think I would trust her anymore. Friends usually put the secrets in their vault so to speak it sounds like her vault door is stuck open.

[Joy Carter]

Some people just can't keep a secret. This is what I have been trying to tell you gurls. Is the pain of keeping it to your self worse than having everyone know it ? I have lost friends over this and now recently I find out my cousin knows. And him I see maybe once evey two years. It's a small world out there gurls.

[Marcie Sexton]

Wash your hands of her, who needs friends like that...

[Stlalice]

There is an old rule of thumb that the chances of a secret being blown is equal to the square of the number of people who know it. Equally, as others have said here, there is no such thing as being a "little" out - sort of like being pregnant - you either are or you aren't. There is only one thing you can do at this point - accept that others know and move on with your life. Good luck kid and hang in there.

[Charleen]

That's some "friend"! Hope it all works out for you. Love and xxxx, Lily

[Megan72]

I have no ideas other than what was posted, but I wish yo the best and hope it does not get too out of hand.

[kittypw GG]

There are many reasons that someone betrays a trust. Most of the time it is not for a malisicious purpose. The burdon of the secret could be too much for the holder to keep, they may not understand the secret and it is disturbing to them in some way. One divulges a secret to help another, the secret is usually used in an anonomous way without divuldging who. Without knowing your friend or why she told your secret it is difficult to comment on why.

At the very least you should tell her how you feel and she does owe you an explaination and an appology. You will have to be the judge wether or not to trust her again enough to get that close to your inner circle.

I have found that secrets are nothing but a way for people to hurt you so I keep my life an open book. I am what I am and people take me or leave me. If you are ashamed of who you are and what you do then either you accept yourself and be proud or you wallow in shame. It is a personal choice.
The freinds you have are also a personal choice. Take care and make a careful evaluation of your "friend". Kitty

[azure]

A so called "friend" who felt it was thier right to "share" the details of my life with all present in a local pub. I felt like taking a contract out on her, but my venom was brought under control by the voice of wisdom which focused upon revenge which was better served cold.
Damage limitation is vital, dont give these *******s anyomre to go on, you cant vanish, but you can present the smallest target possible, hide/bin/purge all your things , the less proof of their vile little lies the better. Next play the "grey man" this is a method of being incedibley predictable and boring, no odd hours, no shopping for anything out of the ordinary, nothing to draw attention(those who now know will be activley watching fopr any signs and will follow you around to confirm thier suspicions and this isnt about being paranoid, its about beating them at thier own little game). Next, should you have the misfortune to find yourself confronted by them, your approach could be to come out as gay. Being gay is far more socially acceptable, and easier for them to deal with. Be very careful about how you tell them, as women will read any "adjustments to the truth you make.

[Emily Ann Brown]

I'll add this thought......go to war with this woman and the whole city will know your "secret"....not saying to kiss her arse, just remember that she already has sprung a leak once, what will she do when REALLY angry?

And just as a point of reference, my wife outted me to the adult kids to rip my heart out......they all still love and accept me and BOY is she miffed !!!!! It isn't necessarily the end of the world sis.

Emily Ann