Well your secret is not out until the second woman blabs. And most people keep stuff like this confidential. My wife told her friend years ago--no repercussions at all. I went en-femme to eye doctor and talked with the office asistant for a few minutes--and changed wigs just to show her my blond look. My wife went to same eye doctor and office assistant the next week. They didn't say anything to her. (my wife knows, but is very non-supportive).
One important thing to remember, if the person hasnt seen you dressed, its just heresay and you can deny it. You could also have your "friend" talk to the person she told, and just say it was a joke/test to see if she would blab it to anyone. Or if confronted by the person she told, or anyone else for that matter, just get with your friend who will colaborate the story with you of just being a test for the blabber mouth woman.
Erika Leigh
Most of you echo my same thought's and feeling's.
No I'm not going to run, and no I'm not going to hide, that's not my style.
I fully intend to make sure that everyone involved, including her most of all, and anyone else that know's, including her friend, fully and completely understand's the gravity of this situation, and the wrong that was committed.
To keep something to yourself for over thiry years mean's it must have been very important to you. To finally trust someone enough to share it with them must mean that you trust that person highly. To have that trust broken is a devastating blow to that relationship, and I don't believe that can be easily mended, if at all.
When I first posted I was confused, scared and angry. Right now I'm just angry. A trust issue of the highest level has been broken.
I intend to speak my peace and then they can all go to Hell.
Thank you all for the clarity of your thought's and honesty, it mean's a lot to me.
Thank you for that, it really hit home.Originally Posted by Louise Morgan
Michelle.
Exactly the same thing happened to me 5 or 6 years ago.
A woman, who I thought I could trust, told one of her GF's. who then proceeded to tell her family. We all ran in the same social circle.
It ruined my friendship with her GF's family. I didn't speak to her for 2 or 3 years. We talk once in a while now, but they are very polite conversations, and I will never trust her when it comes to matters of substance. That makes it real hard to confront her about this issue, but I don't have to, she knows how I feel.
As you felt the need to share a secret....so did she. In my humble opinion, two people can share a secret only when ther other one is dead. In other words, you can never trust anyone with a true secret. That started with you.
Depending on how close a friend she is with you, you may or may not want to remain friends...but I certainly would never trust her with a secret of any kind again. Sorry!
OK late on this but ......yes a trust broken for sure i would let her know that your hurt that she would share that with someone with out your saying it was ok.... then i would also say long after the being hurt sunk in the truth is that i am mad as hell that our Friend ship was something that meant so little to you ... if this is how you treat Friends ,... i wished i would have known before seams i wasted my time ....
as you know ether her or her Friend might just tell more people and like it or not with each new person you will need to deal with it... in what ever way you need .... my hopes are your group of Friends are open enough were they might not understand your little hobby ... but are Friends enough were it relay is not going to cause any parting of Friends... the ones that stay well their gold the ones that don't well .... were they freinds ????....
good luck.............
Hello,
I also have been betrayed by trust that I have placed in others in my past (2 GG friends) when I revealed my inner most self to. After getting burned a couple of times, I now refrain from disclosing my 'little secret" to others in a face to face world. Once the proverbial cat is out of the bag, there is no way that cat is going back in there. We all make decisions, some for the best, some for the worse. And we all have to live with the ramifications of those decisions.
My point being, use your discernment when revealing yourself to others. What would happen if this individual speaks out against you later on? Is the individual(s) work where you work? Do they know family members or mutual friends of yours? Sure telling others of our secret life can be liberating and joyous, but you will have to also consider the alternative as well before your disclosure. To those that have kept their CDing a secret just be careful is all I ask.
ShortSkirt,
The only thing I can add to what Kitty said about this nightmare is that I am so sorry that this happened to you.
Take care,
"Princess" Michelle
"Princess" was on a shirt given to me by a cd who barely knew me. I purged it, but kept the nickname to remind me of the kindess.
I am sorry for you and the trauma you are emotionally feeling dear. Try to remember that we are just talking about a done deed, your reacting poorly now will just excaberate a bad situation. Try to find empathy for your friend now, and forgive, talk to anyone that wants to talk, and try to impress them with your desire to remain descreet. This may be managed into an event that allows more people to be knowlegeable and sympathetic about you without a general 'outing'. Whatever is important to you will not be achieved by alienating those who know about and are close to you. Good luck dear, and don't consider a course of action unless you are dressed, it helps your empathy and mitigates your aggression.
I would not advocate tossing away a friendship over this incident. Your friend is being defensive because she knows she was wrong to tell your secret. If you approach her non-judgementally you might find out why she did it. It might not have been intended to hurt you; maybe she just couldn't keep it to her self. If there is enough good in the relationship, it will survive and perhaps become stronger.
The lesson you can learn is that there is always a risk in coming out to someone. Even people who pretend to keep your secret may leak it to one or more people - it's human nature, after all. In this case, you know of the betrayal. I think that you, personally, will be better off when you become more willing and able to accept your crossdessing and not be concerned with the opinion of others.
Personally, I'm not sure why she would think you would be happy about it. If someone tells me something and tol dme not to tell anyone else and I did, then I woudl certainly know I was doing something wrong to my friend and they would not be happy. I would know I was running a risk of their friendship, depending on the depth of the secret. Granted, if it something that is life threatening (like suicidal thoughts etc) I would see how telling would be something I should do, but this? No.
I'd say she is being spiteful in someway and her actions and reactions to you pretty much show that. I don't know her personally, so I can't assert that as fact, but as a girl, that is how I would see it. I don't know if she wanted to "out" you for some reason, which is why she told the person she wouldn't share her own personal information with, but it sounds like it. As a girl, I am not going to share a close friend's secrets with someone I wouldn't share my own with. This being the case, it doesn't sound like she just needed someone to talk to about it or she would have chosen someone else who she was confident they would keep it. That is just my opinion based on what I read and the fact I do not know her. If she had reasons for doing it that she doesn't want you to know about, then she won't tell you even after talking to her most likely. If it was someone she tells all of her own secrets to, then I would say very different things, but it isn't. If it was a secret I needed someone to talk to- I would have made very sure it was someone that I could completely trust all of my own secrets to, because I would want to break the trust you had in me by the possibility of this person telling others. Sorry this happened to you!
Last edited by Jane GG; 12-27-2006 at 11:02 AM.
It's not who we tell, it's who they tell. That's why we try and find friends can trust. This isn't a game and surely not a conversation piece. However, sometimes the ones we trust hurts us the most. Once that trust is broken, it takes a long time to put back together. You can forgive, but it's hard to forget. It does make you think of who you will tell next. I like what Donna said about letting the cat out of the bag. Not only will he not go back in, but he's not going to like you very much after that.
Lanore
Many years ago, this happened to me and it esclated to the point that all of my friends heard about it. When I was asked if it was true, I just said ''what do you think'', and if they said maybe, I asked them if that made me a bad person. I got mixed responses, got closer to some and lost a few friends too.
I do agree with Kitty that being open is best. Then no one can tell anyone else something that they don't already know. My family and all of my good friends know, even if they havn't seen me dressed.
I like to be optimistic and when I see her, I tell her that it was the best thing that she could have done to/for me. It makes her mad because she was really trying to hert me at the time and I just delt with the best that I could.
While not many except my SO and one other close friend ever see me dressed. I no longer feel too embaresed when someone asks me about it. Well yes I get embaresed when it's somebody that I didn't know asks me, but what are you gonna do... Lie to them. No I'll not start the lieing game! It just leads to more lies, and more lies. Finally you don't know to whom you told which lie and they'll figure you out anyway and maybe not trust you any more.
Well, I spoken my piece. Take it with a grain of salt, as it's only my reasons, etc.
As bad as this may look on the surface it just may be the best. If this gets out to your other friends you will find out just who is really a friend and who is the imposter. Trust me as i tried the keep it to myself for to many years and once it was out it might be a little scarry at first but what a load off your mind to really be you. I wish you well and it will all work out.
Hello ShortSkirt, This may sound silly but are you sure she is "OK" with your dressing ? She may be using this chance to get you to stop CDing. If you think she told the one person that she knows you both don't trust, she may in some way think it will force you to stop dressing. She may not understand our life style as well as you thought. Before I let this ruin a friendship I would get her alone and talk it out. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't ???? Just a thought, hope it helps some. Kaitlin
I love Jesus!
Life is so much better now that I know who I am !
Girl, I made the same mistake last spring. I went to a baseball game with a couple of coworkers and went and showed on of them's wife my toenails and told her how I am TG. What a big mistake, I had forgotten that one of the guys is friends with my exwife's cousin and what I did got back to my ex. And now half of the plant where I work knows all about the truth about me too. There is only really one thing I can do about it and that is to come out at work and go fulltime. My secret in not a secret anymore so why am I even trying to cover it up? Just a few words of after thoughts from someone how has also been in your position.
Joan Lynn
Just a girl stranded on her little red island amongst a lovely sea of blue.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, for those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."
Dr. Seuss
Unfortunately, some people (I find most are women) get more out of telling a secret (they get attention!) than they do by keeping one (it's private!).
What it boils down to is that she craved attention more than she valued your privacy. Or friendship.
....we are all made of stardust
I think Kerrianna got the reason right and her suggestion is quite sensible. Your friend might also benefit from knowing she can in part make amends by impressing on her friend the importance of not disclosing this further. Obviously, there are no guarantees, but I'd at least try to plug that potential leak!
Good luck!
For photos on flickr, my user name is cd_erica_f
We feel your pain, ShortSkirt.It can feel surreal when you learn that your confidante has blabbed your deepest secret. But I hope you're feeling a bit better about all this now.
Yes, you have been betrayed, but I don't believe that necessarily means that you should stop being friends with this woman. It sounds like she doesn't feel that she's betrayed you, so give her time to justify her actions. And then ask her how she's going to handle damage control. As others have mentioned, she owes you bigtime.
Anyway, I have a few questions and theories for you to ponder & a few points to make. If I get too long-winded, feel free to ignore me.
Interesting. Why did you get mentioned at all during this "heart to heart"? Have you ever been more than just friends with this friend, or wanted to be? Why are you important enough to either of these women to warrant mention during a "heart to heart"? Could they have been discussing your marital status?
One possibility is that your friend mentioned your CDing to explain why she spends so much time with you, even though you aren't romantically involved. Or alternatively, the she's not interested in you romantically because you CD, but she still thinks you're interesting anyway.
Another possibility has been mentioned by others in this thread: she just needed to talk to another GG about your CDing. She could come & talk to the GGs here. They'll soon get her up to speed on proper CD etiquette.
Although she knew the rules, sometimes people go with the flow & bend the rules if they think the outcome will justify it. For some reason, she felt that you would be happy to have another GG accepting of your CDing & felt that the moment was right. Even though she told you only days earlier that she doesn't trust this other woman... sometimes GGs can be hard to fathom. Maybe she's re-evaluated the trustworthiness of this other woman. Or maybe she has some dirt on her.Just last week we had a talk about this friend of her's, and she told me she didn't trust her enough to tell her anything too personal for fear it would get to her other friend's, and then she turns around and does this, to me, after knowing full well, I dont want it everyone business.
I've made it perfectly Swarovski Crystal clear, that it's absolutely no one's business but my own, and if I desire to tell anyone, it's my job and my job ONLY.
I really can't understand why she did this. She told me that her friend is fine with it and accepting of it, but that's not the point in my eye's. I feel betrayed. She asked me if I was ok with what she did and my reply was, "I'm not sure what to think of this right now it's a shock".
In the long run, you will be happier deciding it is ok. But it may take some work to get there...I can't say whether it's ok or not.
How large is the circle of friends that may potentially learn about your CDing from this incident? If it gets bad, can you stop moving in those circles, or would that involve major life changes?
As I said at the start, it sounds from this statement that she doesn't feel as if she has really betrayed you. If she is any sort of friend, she will be able to discuss this rationally with you.
Good luck,
Robin
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe
Louise offers some excellent advice...It may be a bit painful to hear it, but I feel the same way. The best thing you can probably do at this point is to just begin distancing yourself from the person who betrayed your confidence. Gradually begin putting distance between the two of you and, when the time is right, just ride off into the sunset and put this behind you.
Good luck whatever you decide to do (or not to do)
"poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another." Madonna "Justify My Love"
WOW< that was harsh from an so call Friend ! Secrets are very ,very tough to control.Once they are out ,you can not take them back .. So i am very careful who and what I talk about ,it is a shame ,but that is life .people do strange things to other people !
Secrets between two people can be keep,if one person is DEAD! hARSH BUT true !
Do you know a secret your "friend" doesn't want out? If so, ask her how she would have felt had you not honored your friendship and told someone else.
She should get the idea of how you feel then.
DonnaT
No question she betrayed your confidence. Now the question is, can you get over it and forgive her?
Kim
Well, we've talked it over.
She's had a full day to think about her action's and I made what she did clear and she agreed and has apologized, to the point of tears. I can forgive, but I will not forget and she understand's the gravity of the trust she has sacrificed. I told her that any damage control would be dealt with on her end and I'll stay out of it as long as I can. I told her that if she's unable to explain the severity of the situation to her friend, I would talk to her but I'd rather not, atleast not yet.
As far as the circle of friend's involved, it's not my circle, but we all know it's a small world at times and it might not even resurface for quite some time. I've made that clear as well. No one know's what the future has in store, but it never hurt's to be prepared for it.
She's explained to me that she admires me for letting this side of me out to her and found it a very special thing, and felt the need to share this with her friend to show her how special I am to her. She said her friend understand's the weight of it all and will keep it all to herself as would any respectful person.
I can understand the emotional need to try and show a friend, or anyone really, how much someone else mean's to them, but I would do it in a different manner.
Robin, your a very astute observer. Yes we have been more and have been working on the relationship, but it's been a long road that didn't need yet another detour.
Correct again, well done lol. She did know "The Rules", to a degree anyway. I believe a lot of her motivation for it was to show me how accepting people can be under the right circumstances. That, however, remain's to be seen. She did say that she had in fact, started trusting her more in the last week or two, and she did tell me that she does have some "dirt" on her, at which point I politely asked to be left out of any further dirt slinging. Talk amongst yourselves about yourselves, but no one else.
This has been on my mind for some time. I've thought about having her join this forum, but after this little episode I'll have to think about it for a little while longer.Another possibility has been mentioned by others in this thread: she just needed to talk to another GG about your CDing. She could come & talk to the GGs here. They'll soon get her up to speed on proper CD etiquette.
Robin
I did indeed, do just that. She admitted that she would be ashamed and embarrassed, at which point I think it clicked for her and the tear's started. From that point on we were on the same page and understood each other quite well.
Forgive yes and I'm working on that, but it would be very foolish to forget.
At this moment, I'm ok with things. The problem I have is having the faith in her friend to be the honourable person I'm forced to trust her as. I don't as a rule, have a lot of faith in most people, but as the saying goes, "Time tell's no lie's".
I'm prepared to deal with anything that might arise from this, openly and honestly. If I can bear the weight of it, then so can they.
Now I need to thank everyone here for your help, insight, feeling and support. I haven't been a member here as long as most, and this is the first time I was faced with dealing with something that made me uncertain on how to deal. There's really not much I can't and haven't dealt with in the past, but this one threw me for a loop and if I couldn't have read all your post's and thought's, here and in PM's, I'm not sure I could have worked through it as well or as quickly.
Thank you all, so very much.
Michelle.
It's very difficult to know who you can and cannot trust. Many people are simply unable to keep a secret. They mean you no harm, they just can't keep their mouths shut. I would be very cautious about anything else I told her in the future. And yes, I would let her know that I was disappointed in her, that I trusted her with my secret and she failed me.
[SIZE="3"]Jennaie`[/SIZE]
Posting Permissions
