Dummies guide to divorce?

[Jodi]

Every State in the US has different laws on divorces. I'm sure that England has specific laws. Having gone through a divorce 6 years ago after a long time marriage, I believe that I can speak with some authority.

The first thing is to get advice from a good lawyer that you trust--one who is familiar with divorce law. On what happens, I can only speak for Pennsylvania law. To differ with what Ericka said earlier, division of property in Pennsylvania is not 50/50. Pennsylvania law specifically states that "there will be an equitable distribution of property". Generally, this falls into the 50/50 category. In PA, the divorce is no-fault. The problems begin with property settlement. The property will be settled as to agreement by both parties. If a property settlement is not reached in a reasonable time--generally two years, either party may petition the court for a settlement. My lawyer advised me to work toward a settlement as he would never recommend that anyone go before a court. He said that you never know how a court settlement will go.

In Pennsylvania, all property owned by the husband and wife are considered marital property, regardless of how the property is titled; therefore all assets are considered.

Remember, there is no such thing as an amicable divorce. Once the lawyers get involved, things can get nasty.

So, you found her making copies of bank statements, financial records, etc. You start doing the same thing on her records. Be ready and prepared. Don't wait until a divorce is filed.

This can be a very stressful time. you must remain objective at all costs. You can't allow yourself to become emotional at any time. I have a good army buddy who has gone through two divorces. His advice to me on being objective was as follows: "Remember what it was like to call in artillery or an airstrike on a village. You can't be emotional. You can't think about how many people you are killing. You just have to call it in and kill them". I always kept that in mind. He was right. That is how I faced my divorce. Yes, I took a financial hit, but I came out of it standing on my feet.

Be prepared for the worst scenerio, get a good lawyer, and good luck.

Jodi

[Robin Leigh]

My ex got real nasty and wrongly accused me of interferring with him because I was Gay and sick.

If it's any consolation, Anthea, that trick gets used a lot. A mate of mine was accused of molesting his young daughters, but fortunately the court didn't believe it & he still has unsupervised access to them. The painful irony is that he has very good reason to believe that his wife's new husband regularly molested a step-daughter in a previous relationship, but the now adult step-daughter is unwilling to testify before a court.

It's very painful when people we once loved do nasty things to us, but at least it helps us to let go...



Robin

[Marcie Sexton]

I am really distressed that your wife is so dead set against your dressing...I still suggest that some heartfelt talks to attempt to patch things up...BUT I also suggest you get the life boat ready...

I know nothing about English law, but I can tell you a lot about my experiences...

When my first marriage went down the tubes< long before I even allowed myself to dress, too>, I was approached by EX and told she was sleeping with another man, that I divorce her or she'd divorce me...HA what a joke...

1 Find a good laywer who if possible specializes in divorces...

2 Make sure your child is the first and most important subject...stress you have no problems and want to see to your childs care...< I paid faithfully for 12 years until the state started returning my support payments and I seen him ZERO times the last 12 years, before he turned 18, after she moved, a promise she kept >

3 Get some resources together in a safe place, where I live everything gained during the life of the marriage is assets to be divided< YEA RIGHT >...

4 Keep good records and copies of your check stubs...

Now granted my divorce was 20 + years ago and some laws have changed. I was constantly in court for numerous reasons, she had a head ach, she had a pimple on her butt , so prepare your self...

If and I assume you do love and care about your child demand specified visitation right, dumb ass me went for reasonable & seasonable, boy did I learn a lot...One minute late or a dop of rain and she had the right to say NO, and she was allowed to move to where ever she wanted...and so I drove to pick him up where she lived...Lexington, Knoxville, and finally Alexandria, La.

That broke the camels back...This all may seem extreme, but be ready...squirrel away some $$$ I suggest enough for 3 months...and expect some really nasty things to be thrown your way...no matter how much you love your wife, get your ammo and be ready to shoot back...< Not all our members will agree, but unless you're the target you have no idea what its like >Document, document, document...pictures, notes, letters what ever you can get your hands on...bug your own telephone, not admissible in court, but could provide leverage...the little quote, "ALLS FAIR IN LOVE & WAR", well truer words were never spoken...

I would never wish divorce on my worse enemy, but it is a fact of life. Now as I look back at that dark day in my life, I consider it a bump in my road of life...I have been blessed by a wonderful wife, a son who thinks I walk on water. hang in there give it a try, use all/everything you can to make it work, then should things go south, you will know in your heart that you tried...Most of all look after your child, that in and of itself is a blessing.

GOOD LUCK

[fionasboots]

Appologies for the quick reply again, must get some time to read/reply properly.

Just to address something that Kitty and Stephenie picked up on; my wife getting tired out by my son.

It would probably have been more accurate to say that he's tiring us both out as he's very active, inquititive, energetic, and generally full of beans - which is good.

While I certainly don't spend as much time with my son as my wife does but I do spend time with him in the evening and get up in the night (mainly since he calls out of "daddy" as well and usually only resorts to "mummy" if he doesn't get what he wants ;-) )

Yes, I agree with the people who suggest that the whole divorce thing is just for attention and/or just a way of letting off steam.

For those of you suggesting hiding money or watching that sort of thing, well, we haven't got a huge amount of money anyway so not much of a problem there! In fact my wife now has more disposable income than me!

Yes, my wife did (from what she's said) seak some sort of advice on divorce - this was when I initially came out and her mother was up with her. To the best of my knowledge she has not sought official advice since.

Thinking about it yes, I could go and get official advice but I personally don't think things are *that* serious, which is why I suppose I'm taking the less awkward approach of just asking here instead.

I hope we don't go down that route and on balance it doesn't look like we will, but I had to ask, just in case.

[Amanda Jane]

Men tend to use the 'D' word as a bravado, a threat / when women use it, they have already thought it through and arrived at that as the prefered outcome