When you told your wife (looking for insight)

[melissaK]

My current wife and I started our relationship when I was 38. She is my thirds wife. By that age I knew better than to not tell her right away.

My first wife never knew and still doesn't. I told my second wife in the final stages of our marriage when I really had nothing to lose. We divorced and she came out of her own closet and is in a great lesbian relationship for the last dozen years of her life. Current wife and I both struggle with acceptance issues despite the up front warning.

[SandyR]

I have been dressing to some extent since I was 12, so about 30 years. When I married my wife over 22 years ago I just stopped for many years, but it never ever, went away completly, even with hours of professional help and a couple years ago I started dressing agian, no doubt it made me feel complete agian, but it also gave me some guilt.

So this past September I decided it was time tell let her know. Then came the surprise! Before I could talk to her about it she just came out one night in bed and said "so how long have you been cross dressing". Gulp! To make a long story short we have been taking it slow, both of us have been off this past week and we had some wonderful times, including talk about me dressing. She has seen a few pics of me and we are working toward me dressing for her.

Sandy

[Noel Chimes]

It was after we were married that it all came out. The only shoes in the house that fit me (hiding my stuff by using hers)were her clogs. She decides to wear them. "Have you been wearing my shoes"? Ok, what else have you been wearing? My one question was, "can I show you"? Ok. 10 minutes later, "uuummmm. You're cute." Let's just say the roles flipped and, OH "H" "E" DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!!!!!!
We divorced after 5 years (my fault) BACK TOGETHER AFTER 20 YEARS APART!!! Just past 7 years and it just gets better. Went out daytime driving TOGETHER. Will post pic from park when film is developed.
Am I double lucky? YES YES YES!!! Awoman that open and understanding is a rare find. But to find her twice, and it be the same person,,,,,,1,000,000,000 to 1.

[Debra Lynn]

I did tell my wife while we were engaged, she didn't take it seriously at the time, so when it finally became evident that I was CDing, she was not happy about it at all. Still, 15 years later we remain married, I still dress, and she is still not happy about it. But we communicate, we occasionally argue and we make sure to tell each other that we love them and honor and respect them. The fact that I'm CDing does not diminsh my love for this woman, and I continue to assure her that I am not gay and have no desire to TS since I have a much greater understanding of what GG girls have to go through on a daily basis to look good in public. She grew up learning that CD was wrong and she still feels that way, but she still loves me and knows that I will always be there for her. It has not always been easy and she doesn't like to even talk about cross dressing, but I go to work dressed on halloween and she has to hear about that from shared coworkers. We have agreed to some ground rules and I abide by them, and she allows me these 'times'. It's not everything I want, but I'm sure she would like it all to "go away" and knows it will not.
It was not easy telling her before I got married, the girl I had been dating seriously a few years earlier completely freaked when I told her I was a cross dresser. She left the apartment and within a week moved back home (about 60 miles away) without saying anything. So telling our GF or potential wife before marriage who we are is a big trust issue, but telling her was the right thing to do. And trying to keep the lines of communication on the subject open is also the right thing to do. I'm trying to overcome a lifetime of prejudice because of the way she was raised and show her that I can respect her even when she is not supportive of me in somethings.

[Bernadina]

I told her shortly after we met and long before we were married. I didn't want there to be any secrets between us. It turned out well and she is very supportive. Of course I try and treat her like a Princess at all times.

[Christina Nicole]

One day many years ago, while sitting with a girlfriend, I asked her what the stuff was in the corner of the room. She went over and picked some very colorful cloth (it was not obvious that they were clothes) and said something like, "They're my old sundresses. Do you like them? Here, try this one on." Or something very close to that. OK, I had been dressing in women's clothing for years before this, but never shaved my legs or anything that would give her an outward clue. Skipping ahead we eventually broke up. She found someone who she thought had more money than I, etc.

She always was having emergencies or borrowing money for one reason or another. A not a huge sum, few hundred or thousand every now and then. A couple of months later, she calls and wants more money or she'll tell everyone my secret. We dated for a long time so she knew nearly everyone I did. She knew all my friends, co-workers, family. So I paid. The second time I got it on tape and sent a copy to my attorney who contacted her about the penalties regarding blackmail.

So I never told, or hinted or did anything that might suggest this secret to anyone else. I knew my wife, before we married, was... very sure of her view of the world and little could be said or done to dissuade her from her views. Considering her views, and that she would be unlikely to change her mind, and previous experience as well as that I had not been dressing or interested in dressing while we were dating, I didn't see any reason to tell.

Knowing what I know now, I suppose that... I don't know. Should I have told her before we were married and risk that she would tell everyone after she broke things off? Or maybe just have broken everything off myself without telling my secret? Or should I have told her some time after we were married, which is what happened.

Still don't know the right answer.

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[Melanie R]

I told my wife one month after we were married in 1980. I presented her with a 32 page letter describing the evolution of Melanie which was delivered to her office at the school where she was the administrator. Three hours later she called my office and said, "I do not understand what this all means but we will make it work." The rest is history. My letter to her is found in her first book and described on the WE documentary. Since then she has helped not only me to come to acceptance and understanding of who I am but many other transgendered persons and their significant others.

Melanie

[Stephanie Scott]

I was married for about 9 years and had 2 kids before I told my wife. She has become increasingly accepting and supportive.

In 1 way, I regret waiting for so long -- I didn't like keeping this secret from her. However, she told me that if I had told her about this before we were married, she probably wasn't mature enough at the time to handle it and probably wouldn't have married me. Soooooo, I suppose it was good tht I waited because we are now best friends and have a great marriage.

I told because I finally came to terms with it, in light of my faith, and came to accept that crossdressing isn't necessarily inconsistent with or proscribed by my faith in Christ. Once I gave ALL of myself to Him (particularly the girly part), I felt ok about telling her.

[Julie York]

Anyone who didn't tell their wife because they married before the internet.......should be forgiven.







It depresses me when I see posts that say "Why didn't he tell me!"

Why didn't he tell me something that would have lost my love and respect.
Why didn't he tell me something that might have destroyed his hopes for a happy normal future.
Why didn't he tell me something about this thing that he doesn't understand anyway.
Why didn't he tell me something that I could have used to blackmail him.
Why didn't he tell me something that could have lost him his job.
Why didn't he tell me something that could have alienated him from all his friends.
Why didn't he tell me something that he feels embarrassed and ashamed about.


Well gosh......!!! DER!!

[JulieC]

For the non-GG's who are married:

Did you tell your wife prior to getting married about your CD'ing or after? If after, how long after? If you did, what prompted you to tell her?

If you haven't told her, why?

When I was younger, I was too afraid to tell anyone...even women I was very much in love with. As I got older, and came to accept myself a bit more, I came to understand that I couldn't keep it hidden. I started telling girlfriends, with mixed results. I wasn't confident it was the right thing to do, as a result. Ultimately, a few months after I met my wife-to-be, I told her. I just got to the point where I said to myself, "This is me. If she runs for the hills, she runs for the hills. I can't change that."

Glamourgirl GG, it is important to understand that the desire to crossdress is something that a person appears to be born with. You can no more get rid of it than you can cut off your head. There's not a lot of science in this field to support any conclusions. However, I've kept on asking the same question of many people over the years who crossdress; Are you aware of anyone who has successfully repressed the urge to crossdress? Not a one has *ever* answered "yes".

Your husband isn't evil, sick, perverted, bad, terrible, ugly or anything else negative simply for having a desire and need to crossdress. He's just him. There's no crime against it. There's no reason it *has* to be a threat to any marriage. Much of what spins around in a marriage can get blamed on the husband's crossdressing. Reality; it's a convenient excuse.

If you're having other problems in your marriage, don't be ready and willing to blame the crossdressing. You want more communication, then go for it. Same for trust, same for him being a best friend to you. Accept all of him, even if you don't like every last bit of him.

It's entirely legitimate for you to have fears and be terrified. You are absolutely justified in having them. You have a right to know, most especially if your husband believes he's transsexual. Deep conversation is important. You have a right to know your own clothes are not being used by him (unless you don't mind). You have a right to protecting yourself against exposure from the world that your husband is a crossdresser.

Trying to establish rules will not work all that well. They are good, but only work so far. Do not be disappointed if the rules bend, even break, and change over time. They will.

It is very important that you give this time. Some people have a strong urge to 'fix' things fast, get it done and over with. You don't 'fix' this as there is nothing to fix. It's part of your lives. You learn to adapt. Over time, your understanding and acceptance of your husband's feminine aspects will become natural.

Remove hate. Don't let yourself slide into conversation that is negative. Many crossdressing men I have known have had a strong tendency to run back into their shells when confronted with aggressive, harsh attitudes towards them from people they love. Inside of crossdressers who are first coming out is a terrified young child. When it first peers around that corner at the open daylight for the first few times, it's going to find it very hard not to run and hide if negative things happen.

That you are here, willing to post and listen speaks volumes about you. Your husband is truly lucky to have you, and needs to shower you with praise, flowers, jewelry, dinners, whatever makes your day better

-BB

[Joy Carter]

Lets just look at it from another point of view. Three months ago while I was in the process of admitting to and accepting who I am. She in a crying fit told me that she wouldn't have married me had she known. She would like to have had a choice rather than "live like this" ???? I was totally blown away. This woman whom I had worked to make comfortable, loved unconditionally and never cheated on, made me feel like trash. A blow to the head with a hammer would have been more merciful. We didn't hardly talk for two weeks. Then I thought back to when were first married. And how she began crying one night and told me something that had happened to her before we met. This incident has made our relationship extremely difficult over the years and has robbed her and I of a normal relationship. I stayed with her out of love and we never spoke of it again. So girls we too have liked to have known about some things too before we said "I Do". I have no regret staying with her. She is my life. I just wish she would have realized that before she said what she said. I know this was allot to drop on you all. But there is another side of the coin in a marriage.

[Glamourgirl GG]

Julie, I'm sorry you feel this way but for those of us who have never even had a trace of this in our lives, it is all a little confusing and mind boggling.

For everyone else, since I wrote last night, I do think that if my husband would've outright told me, I would've never given him a chance. I was 22 at the time (10 years ago) and pretty immature. We would never be where we are now...only a few months away from having our 4th child.

I'm not sure there really ever is a good time to tell I suppose. For me it was about the fact that I am a very open person and never kept anything from him. When he told me, I felt that up until that point he hadn't offered me that same respect. He also told me on the morning of my 29th birthday as a "gift." At the time I could definitely see that it took a lot of courage and guts to tell me. He explained how it began, and psychologically speaking I could understand how that event lead him into it. However, as Stephanie said, I have very deep religious faith. In fact, I had become a born again Christian a year prior to him telling me. So as you can imagine, it floored me and shook my faith.

Even though I tried to be accepting those very few short weeks 3 years ago, I simply couldn't handle it and tried to make him put it away. Like I said earlier in the thread, it took my new boss telling me two months ago about his struggle being gay. It may me think what I a bitch I am to force my husband to be something other than who he really is. I cried for weeks every time I thought about it and finally a few weeks before Christmas surprised my husband by buying him a few pieces of clothing. I think hearing about my bosses struggle and story coming from the "outside" if you will, really helped me put things into perspective. PLease know that I am not saying my husband is gay or that CD'ers are gay, I'm only referencing my bosses plight because it is what helped open my eyes.

I love my husband more than anything in this world and him coming on this forum and interacting with you all has actually helped us communicate more. He'll ask me if I read a certain post and what I thought and he'll let me read what he writes and vice versa. It's started a dialogue and I thank the owners of this board for starting such a wonderfully supportive place. It makes me feel comfortable that it's not a "pick up joint" or sex type site and that both husband's and wives and SO's all participate here.

[Stephanie Scott]

I think that my marriage has become immensely stronger since I told my wife. Like you are experiencing, I think that our communication has improved, and I am trying to use my dressing and inner femininity to live with her in a more understanding way, as Scripture tells husbands to do. I understand her better and try to serve her in any capacity that I am (boy mode or girl mode). I have also tried to use my dressing to draw emotionally closer to the Lord. I think I have succeeded (at least moderately) in these areas since telling her, and her support and encouragement have helped me do so. While being married to a crossdresser undoubtedly has its challenges and downsides, I would tend to believe that on balance, it can be a good thing if both partners communicate, as y'all have started to do. I can't tell you how much her support has made me feel closer to her and motivated me to be a better husband for her and love her in a sacrifical way (although being human and still having a large "guy" part of me, I'm sure I fail often).

[Glamourgirl GG]

Stephanie, I agree with you. I told him today that I think our marriage is a lot stronger and that I am scared that his being honest and more communicative, etc. is a "short term effect."

My boss (who actually used to be a minister) really helped me see that only God can judge...not me. Although I know that my Christians friends here at home would not agree with me.

I'm glad you are here and responded.

[azure]

I think the key component in this dynamic in a relationship is the presence of honesty, and being up front with ones feelings. I listen to a talk radio station at night, and so often callers cite a lack of honesty, or the absence of, as the reason for the relationship being compromised, and so breaking down.As a person in the process of gender reasignment, and also wishing to have a relationship, I find myself asking should I do this, is this really fair on a prospective partner, and however if I decide to withhold this information, the alternative is a pack of lies, which as we all know is unacceptable. I began a thread recentley these feelings, and people were very kind and helpful in the opinions they shared there.
I dont know very much, but what I do know is that the truth really can hurt so much, but it is far better than the hell that lies can lead you into.

Its good here isnt it......no, not really.

[Sweet Virginia]

Yeah, after two or three years. Thing is, most of the time these days it's just going on in my head anyway, but I can trust her and I couldn't handle 'secrets' anymore. She blows cool 'n' cold. Now here it gets interesting.. I go into the loft for insulation inspection purposes and there's a suitcase up there, I bring it down and it's some personal effects of her previous partner (much reviled). There's lots of cross-dresser magazines from the late eighties in there!!!!!

[Mary Morgan]

Hi Glamourgirl, You certainly have received alot of information and no doubt will receive alot more. I just want to add, echo, and support my sisters and you. I applaud your desire to understand. I'm afraid many of us don't have the "why" answers. I will tell you even as young children many of us, myself included were taught to feel shame and embarrassment. I was told that I was bad. I wanted to be good, yet my nature was to be a girl, at least part of the time. So I learn to be deceptive, secretive, and sadly a little dishonest both with others and myself. We keep our secret to avoid rejection. We keep our secret out of fear that we will be forever alone. I have only told my wife, my grown children, a few close friends in the last seven or eight years. I am 59 years young. They have received this information well and I am blessed. My greatest difficulty was restoring my wife's trust in me. We are there now, and while she isn't enthusiastic about my feminine desires, she is supportive of my need, helps me shop and is there to talk. I am truly blessed. I hope you are able to accept the idea that he didn't do this to you. You know his secret because he needed to confide in you, out of love and respect.

[Elaine Lynn]

I told my wife about my crossdressing 2 months after we were married. All she said was Oh really .I dont think she believed me. One night while she was in the shower I dressed up and waited for her to come out and when she saw me she really didn't say much. She told me if I wanted to look like a woman I should know what I was doing and she then helped me do my makeup which I never had on before and curled my hair with a curling iron. Well that was a long time ago when we were young and over the years she would help me sometimes and other times if she was mad over something would tell me grow up and start acting like aman. She is pretty mellow over the last 3 years and lets me do what I want except going out in a dress . She is ok with a top jeans and what ever I wear under when we go shopping so I listen to her and make the best of it. Love her a whole lot so I need to keep her happy.

[Cynthia_0101]

At the time I told my now wife of 5 years we had been dating for 3 months. I had rolled it over and over in my midn if I should tell her.

Anything I had watched on TV about crossdressers on daytime talk shows always ended badly, I knew I could never hid this type of thing from my wife it's such a big part of who I am inside it would have torn me apart. I decicded if she could not deal with it now was the time to find out and end it here before anyone got hurt.

So I told her, she was very understanding and we are still happily together.

10 years together and 5 of thoes married

Cynthia

[Khriss]

..."tolerance" ..is tough...
..love and acceptance seem less complex ?? xx"K"

[TaniaInTas]

Dear GlamourGirl,

Many of the feelings that you desscribe sound very much like troubles my wife has had since she became fully aware of my CD'ing. I will relate our circumstances to you and let you you draw from it what you will.

I first had interests in CDing during my pubescent years (yes I have a good memory!). There were lots of new experiences for me during this time, and it was many years before I had any real understanding of what things were intrinsically me, and what were just things I tried. When I met my wife, we were sexual much sooner than I would have anticipated ( i was a late maturer and not particularly confident with women). We had a whirlwind romance and were enaged after about 7 months. Married another 8 months later. In all honesty, I believe that I did not think about dresing once in that period. I did not deliberately not tell my wife - it had just disappeared into the background.

It was several years later that I started thinking about dressing again, and by ths stage I felt that I knew my wife well enough that she would not approve. By this stage we had children, and they were most certainly the highest priority for both of us. My dressing became a secret activity, and my wife only found out because she cleans more thoroughly than I hide! Her reaction was exactly as I anticipated, and although the subject has been raised many times, her attitude has not really changed. Similarly I have tried many times to stop, but I get so cranky that I just have to find a time and place for Tania.
I have no doubt that we would not be married, had we known of this issue at taht time. However, 'in my defence', I also did not realise at that time, just what dressing meant to me.

[JulieC]

Stephanie, I agree with you. I told him today that I think our marriage is a lot stronger and that I am scared that his being honest and more communicative, etc. is a "short term effect."

My boss (who actually used to be a minister) really helped me see that only God can judge...not me. Although I know that my Christians friends here at home would not agree with me.

I'm glad you are here and responded.

Glamourgirl GG, you've noted your becoming a born again Christian, and with the above it has sparked me to comment on this.

It is not at all uncommon for people to automatically assume that if a man crossdresses, he is a dreadful sinner before the eyes of God. The _only_ passage in the Bible that has anything to do with this is Deuteronomy 22:5. A few things to consider with regards to this:

* Note that Deuteronomy is part of the Pentateuch, part of the Old Testament. They are not the words of Christ.

* Note that, as with much of the Bible, this is subject to interpretation. Does this mean a man should not wear clothes *belonging* to a woman, or not wear clothes *designed* for a woman? Which is it?

* If your husband is a sinner for wearing a skirt, are you not also a sinner for wearing pants?

* Jesus wore a robe. That's a form of a dress. Was Jesus a sinner?

* There are a number of societies today where men wear skirts and dress like robes openly. Greece, Scotland, Indonesia, India, and so forth. Are these men all sinners too?

* If your husband is a sinner for wearing pantyhose, then you too are a sinner for wearing pantyhose. Pantyhose, in the form of thicker tights, were originally a man's garment. This also applies to high heels, which were originally designed as a practical aid to knights on horses to help them keep their stirrups in battle. This became associated with royalty over time, and thus the term "well heeled".

* If your husband is a sinner for breaking that passage of Deuteronomy, then you might also wish to read the rest of Deuteronomy and see how many other sins you and he are both committing. Have you put a railing around the roof of your house? If not, sinner. Do any of your clothes have mixed fiber content? If so, sinner. Etc..etc...

I can't tell you how to keep your faith. That's a very personal subject. But, I have to agree with the statement that only God can judge. For my own part, I am convinced that I was born as I am; a crossdresser. The very large majority of crossdressing men (forgive me for our ftm readers...I just haven't met many ftm people, and the few I have I have not talked extensively with) started their crossdressing before puberty, before there was any sexual aspect of it. My earliest memory of a desire to crossdress is from age 4. I am what God made me. Part of me is a man who can not (and oh how I have tried) stop crossdressing.

I am sorry that your husband waited to tell you. I know it casts a shadow against trust. But, if I might speak to this; it's a very, very, very hard thing for a man to do. Virtually all of society is completely against the idea of a man wearing women's clothes.

Women can wear whatever they want with impunity, and no one thinks anything of it. Men? Automatically people assume they are gay. They are ostracized from the outset, freaks, weirdos, perverted. Even among the gay community, non-drag queen crossdressers are outsiders, and often viewed in a negative way. Society presses incredible hard upon men to be masculine, to enjoy sports, beer, fast women, cars, trucks, make a big paycheck and bring home the bucks, etc. To deviate from that, you must be mentally snapped.

Take a case point; Metrosexual. You know what it basically means? A man who takes care of his appearance. Yet, ask ten people if they think metrosexual males are gay, and I'll bet you get 7-9 that lean towards saying yes at a minimum. So, if a man takes care of his appearance he's automatically gay? So, a man is supposed to be a slob else be labeled gay?

Now extend this into crossdressing. A woman can wear combat boots, men's pants, a tie,...nobody says anything about wearing these items. If she wears a skirt or dress, no one says anything. If a man tries the reverse? If a man who takes care of his appearance must automatically be gay to most people, imagine what crosses their minds when they see a man wearing a skirt?

It is a terrifying prospect to tell those that you love that, as a man, you enjoy wearing skirts/dresses/etc. To cross that bridge is virtually impossible for many people. For your husband to have done so, even if years after you became married, shows a massive amount of trust and faith in your marriage and you. Yes, it would have been better if he told you before you got married. But, that can not be changed. That he told you at all, when there are so many of us in permanent hiding, is terrific. Would you have rather found out by finding his stash of women's clothes? Would you have rather found out by one of your kids finding his stash? "Mom? What are these pairs of size 12 women's shoes in the attic?" (meanwhile, you wear a size 7). "Mom? Did you ever wear a size 16 dress?". This could have been a hell of a lot worse.

On a related note; I encourage you to not separate your husband's desire to crossdress from his regular self. There are not two split personalities at work here. This is one person, one man. Don't try to compartmentalize his feminine aspects under a convenient name of "Lucy" or "Jane" or whatever pseudonym he uses to address his feminine aspects. These aspects are part of him, regardless of what clothes he is wearing or not wearing. Take all of him. You don't have an obligation to like everything about him. Nobody is perfect. There are things about you he doesn't like. But, he does love you. He loves you enough that he told you. Love him enough to accept him as him...the man you fell in love with was a crossdressing man long before he met you.

Congratulations on your upcoming fourth child!

-BB

[Robin Leigh]

Yes, my wife knows all about me. I told her about two weeks into our marriage (this was 20 years ago).

Now - WHY didn't I tell her first??!! To understand the reasons behind this, you have to understand what life is like for a man, and particularly as a cross dressing man.

So, you take this ultimate fear of being caught, of everyone knowing your a freak (don't flame me girls, this is the way I felt back then), and more or less the end of your life as you know it, and then ask "Why did you not tell your girl friend before you were married"?

In my life, I've been shot at, I've been on a plane that filled with smoke, I've been in half a dozen car accidents, and NOTHING came close to the terror I felt when I told my wife.

Your beautiful story has brought tears to my eyes, Kim.



Robin

[Lovely Rita]

I wish I could tell you that I had the charachter and strength to have done it, but quite frankly I was a chicken and it was not until I got caught that the truth came out which I am pleased to tell you has changed my life for the better. No more sneaking around and the extra added benefit of a supportive SO. If I would have known what I know now I would have done it sooner. this is my story and there are no guarantees that it would work out the same for others so I am not encouraging anything one way or the other.

[Katrina CD]

I too waited to tell my wife till we were married for over 2 years. I did not understand what I was before that point. The first time she made me get rid of everything. Of course I wanted it gone too. It came back. I told her again about five years later after I had come to terms and embraced what I was. She was upset about me "lying" to her. I felt that I hadn't lied because I tried to get rid of the feeling for years. We actually discussed a little, then it seemed to be pushed under the rug. I tried a few times to bring the subject up, but there was no communication about it. After almost 2 years, I still don't know what she thinks for sure.

I salute your efforts to understand and communicate. You sound like you want it to work.

Good Luck!
Katrina.