When you told your wife (looking for insight)

[Glamourgirl GG]

For the non-GG's who are married:

Did you tell your wife prior to getting married about your CD'ing or after? If after, how long after? If you did, what prompted you to tell her?

If you haven't told her, why?

I guess I am just looking for insight into why guys wait to tell their wives and what finally gives them the push to do so.

My husband didn't tell me until we were together 7.5 years. As I told him the other night, I never suspected he was CD'ing, although I did come home to him dressed up 2 weeks before we were to get married and since that day I never trusted him and thought he was possibly gay. I was always paranoid (thinking he was cheating on me) and often blamed myself for his lack of interest in me.

When he finally told me, I tried to be accepting for maybe a few weeks, but then he got a little too self obsessed and what I thought and felt got put on the backburner again. I tried to join online support groups, but unfortunately the attitude of the women were for me to get over myself because he would never change and that if I didn't like it, I needed to divorce him. So that's when I just shut down and flipped out on him. I really felt betrayed that he brought me into this and had been lying all this time. I was mad that he didn't tell me before we were married because I know I would've never married him. Which, obviously, is the most likely reason he never told me.

Anyway, that was 3 years ago that he told me and it was only until 2 weeks before this Christmas that I decided to try for him again. Really, it was my boss he can thank because my boss is gay and told me his story about having to hide his true self and being in denial. It made my heartbreak and that's when I realized that I was doing the same thing to my husband in regards to his CD'ing. So I love my husband and want him to be who he is....although I am quite terrified after reading some of his posts/replies here.

Enough rambling...just looking for your thoughts so I can understand all of this better.

[BeckyAnderson]

Hi Glamourgirl,

I never told my wife about my CD'ing until she discovered it 34 years after we were married. My story is far too long to tell here but if you would like to know what was behind my decision not to tell and then trying to find the courage to tell please visit my web site and read Becky's Diary. I have to warn you that it is rather lengthy but it will give you an idea of what I have gone through during my lifetime of crossdressing. From talking with many other CD'ers there stories are not too different than mine.

Hugs,
Becky

[samantha#1]

HI There, Not sure if these thoughts fit your question but anyway.

I started wearing female clothes when I was about 11 or 12. I was a latch key kid and basically had the run of the house for about 2 to 3 hours every week day afternoon. A part of my daily chores was to bring in and fold the washing each day. On one day and without any real thought at the time I had an urge, a feeling, a something that I can not explain, to try on my sisters underwear and a dress. All of a sudden I was dressed in her clothes and then rummaging through her wardrobe for a pair of shoes.

I had to cope with the classic parent concern about their son’s sometimes strange behaviour; they did not know about me dressing up all the time but more so my actions and words – “must have thought I was a bit weird/queer”, well what else would you do? Leave half a dozen porn magazines on his bed and say nothing. I just did not understand that move at all. Yep came home from a friend's house and there they were; I thought shit, where did they come from. When I looked I realised they were dads; I knew because my friend and I use to look at them after school; I found his stash one day when I was vacuuming. Pretty strange in any case but that was the some total of the sex advice I received from my parents. The rest has been trial and error, MMMMMMMM; lots of error!!!!!!

Before meeting my 2nd wife my life was pretty shit, divorce from my 1st wife etc. I had pretty much gone back to full time dressing at home and when I went out at night and only wore male clothing to work. I was confused about me and after pondering all of my options I had pretty much decided to move to Sydney to take on a full time conversion to Samantha.

It was about two weeks before I was heading off that I met my wife and as they say in the classics; hasn’t a lot transpired since then. My wife was not aware of my dressing until about the 3rd year of our marriage.

I was pretty nervous the night I came out to my wife. But in all honesty I was sick and tired of going behind her back; hell I couldn’t keep my hands off her wardrobe when she was not at home and over time the desire was growing stronger. I all expected to be kicked out that night but how me wife reacted made me firmly believe that I had made the right decision to show her and be honest about who I really was. That was the 1st year my wife brought me femme underewear as a gift and that was sooooo special.

How did I come out, all dolled up and dinner 1/2 an hour off being served I met Susan at the front door when she came home from work. She looked at me for about 30 seconds and said nothing; I was mortified that I had just ruined a great relationship; but Susan then said "so do you have a name"? what a relief!! We had a great evening.

I know it’s freaky having a guy around that wants to dress as a girl, I can not explain it myself either, I have always felt yuck dressed as a man except when I get really dolled up. I know in reality I can not dress as a girl all the time and at times that shits me off because when I do dress I simply can not present myself as I would like to because of all that is involved.

I dress because it feels right to me; again, I do not know why that is the case, perhaps ****ed in the head? Dressing for me today is not so much a sexual thing, as in me getting sexually aroused when I dress up, and it hasn’t been like that for a long long time but more so I see it as me being able to express the person within, in my eyes the person I would rather be all the time.
Hugs to you
Samantha

[lowlavalentine]

I was mad that he didn't tell me before we were married because I know I would've never married him. Which, obviously, is the most likely reason he never told me.

Bingo! That was certainly my fear when I was dating my wife to be. She actually mentioned to me at one point that a previous boyfriend had liked to dress in her nightgowns and that she disliked him for that. I was crazy about her and feared losing her if I told her the truth about my crossdressing. In retrospect I should have leveled with her at the time. She found out by accident some 17 years later when she discovered a photo of me on my computer. I was surprised she didn't leave me as it brought up some serious trust issues (If you've been hiding that what else are you hiding?). Since then she has tried to understand with some success, and we have agreed on certain levels of activity. I think she still resents time I spend on cd activities. She doesn't participate but does give me the opportunity to dress periodically as long as I do it discreetly and away from our home town. Not ideal from my perspective but a reasonable compromise.

[occdresser]

I never told my wife until 15 years after we met. She was not fond of it by any means. She asked me if I was gay right off the bat. I told her no. crossdressing is not! about being gay or not it is about being comfortable with yourself. Please try to understand. I have been wearing or trying on womens clothing since I was about 12 years old and it is something that I could never change about myself. I was afraid what my wife would say, my friends, my family. She found out accidently. She found my girly cloyhs stash and asked me If I had a girlfriend and I had to explain this to her.

[Holly]

Wow glamourgirl, that's quite an interesting question you asked. Let me try to answer it...

First a bit about me. My wife and I just celebrated our 38th anniversary last Thursday and we've known each other almost 39 years. I didn't tell my wife until just a few years ago. There are a few reasons and I'm not at all pretending that any of them are good reasons.

First of all, when we first started dating I was in one of my denial stages. I had not yet accepted myself that I was a cross dresser. That wouldn't happen for many, many years. I still believed that if I was involved with a girl that could satisfy me physically and emotionally that I wouldn't be drawn toward wearing women's clothing. I was wrong... not about my wife; she was and is extremal satisfying on every level imaginable. But the draw to the clothing is incredibly strong, like it is driven from within.

As you have already alluded to, I was terrified that I would lose her. That would have been devastating to me. I was also full of shame and did not want to disappoint her or appear less "manly" in her eyes. There was not Internet in those days and I was totally and completely isolated in my desire to cross dress and feel mored feminine. I couldn't talk to my guy friends because that would make me a sissy in their eyes (although if statistics are accurate, more than a few of them were nursing the same feelings as I was).

I was able to confide in my wife about my being a cross dresser when I was able to find peace within myself. That came when I discovered that I was not alone in how I felt, that there were others like me. I was put into a position of having to trust my wife and our love for one another totally and completely. I sat her down one afternoon and laid it all out... how I had started with my mom's stuff, acquired some of my own things as a teenager, built a small, modest wardrobe in college, and sneaking in times of dressing during our married life as time would permit. She, as I'm sure you did, had questions... are you gay, am I not woman enough for you, etc. I answered her as honestly as I could. I say that as I don't have all the answers yet even at this late stage of my life. My wife is an amazing woman. She has not only stood by me, she has encouraged me to explore. She helps me to try and understand feminine nature and perception. She helps with the more mundane aspects like deportment, walking, sitting, hand movement, and the like.

Given the 20/20 nature of hindsight I would have done things differently as far as my wife is concerned. I would have trusted her with this "secret" much earlier in our relationship and not waited so long.

Now as for your husband being self obsessed when he first confessed to you, I hope that you cab understand that he has had this bottled up inside him for so long and anyone showing the least bit of acceptance would be in for a lot of release of all those pent up feelings. Again, I'm not saying that it is right, just that it may be beneficial for you to understand the why of it all.

I hope you find some of this helpful. If you have anything specific to ask, I'll do my best to respond,

[Kelsy]

Hi Glamourgirl,

I never told my first wife nor my second wife of 25 years. I was well into the second year of my relationship with my gf that I finally came out. I know that if I were to open a relationship with total honesty about my CDing, most women would hightail it out of there giving no chance of any relationship.
But once into a relationship It was being able to trust someone with the truth about myself that brought me out. fear of rejection, and humiliation kept my secret in the closet. the same fears keep the secret away from other significant people in my life. The need to dress and be in touch with my feminine side is very deep seated, in my early years age 10. It started long before sex and girlfriends, marriages etc. and is truly hard to explain but it is who I am, not a freak, not a perv. Just me as I have always known myself.

Jennifer

[Amy Hepker]

I told my first wife after we were married for about 6 months. I was afraid I would lose her if she knew I liked to dress as a girl. I am in noway Gay and would never have that kind on relationship with a guy. Most CDers are not gay! I told my second wife before we got married, and she even helped. Years later she divorsed me because of it. Although she was deep into Crystal Meth.

[sissystephanie]

Glamourgirl,

If you have read some of my previous posts, or my profile, you know I am a widower. Yes, I told my fiance before we were married, because I believe very strongly in honest communication between husband and wife. If she did not accept my CD activites, maybe we would not have married. As it turned out, she did accept them fully. We wore matching White Silk Lingerie when we were married and on our wedding night. That was her idea! We had been married 49 1/2 years when she died of cancer in Feb. 2005. We never did tell our 2 children, and I never dressed around them. At least not openly, although I wore panties almost all the time.

I have stressed many times that HONEST COMMUNICATION is the main key to a long and successful relationship, and I like to think that my marriage proved it. She knew I would never do anything to embarrass her, and she would never do anything to humiliate me. We just had a lot of fun together over the years. Usually as a very feminine man and his wife, but sometimes (after the kids grew up!) as 2 girls out together! I miss her very, very much!!

Sissy

More Girl than man

[Sweet Jane]

Hi

I've been married 22 years....my wife does not know the full extent of my crossdressing. She does know that I have worn panties and bras but does not know that sometimes I look like this.

I'm not going to outline my life story again, but if you want you can PM me, and maybe I can help you with why I find it's so difficult to come clean to my best friend and wife, and maybe along the way allay some of your fears about trust or lack of.....

[marie354]

Well I told my first wife before we were married and she seemed Ok with it. she even bought me bras, panties, enhancement pads and some clothing before we got married to see how I looked. Well we ended up divorced after 7 years (the itch I guess, I caught her with someone out on the town). She insisted that she wasn't with anybody, but I saw them kissing. Anyway she blamed it on my dressing.
I didn't tell my 2nd wife until about a year after we were married. She used to dress me up all the time, but she left because she didn't like it anymore. Strike two!
I never married again, but I have found a wonderful woman, Regina. I told her the first week we were dating and dressed for her. She was OK with it but didn't want to see it so I kept it hid. I didn't have to hide my wardrobe though, that was good. Then about three months ago we talked about it some more and we agreed that I could dress around the house once in a while, but not every day.
I then found this site and we talked some more about how I was feeling and her feelings and we reached the decision that I could dress any time I wanted. All day/every day if I wanted. Some days it's just not possible. I wasn't quite ready to come out to anybody yet.
Now after being here nearly a month now, with all of the support of all the wonderful insited people here, I'm about ready to make my first outing.

Well I guess the bottm line is communication and patience. Take things slowly and feel them out so to speak. If you're not comfortable with something, tell him where your current level is. This must work both ways with both of you. There must be a clear understanding between each other or nothing will ever work out. A reasonable compromise, or contract between the two of you.

This is just how it's been with me and your situation may be very different, so you need to take all this with a grain of salt and make up your own mind on just where your level of comfort is. It doesn't mean that you'll stay at that level forever. It can always change in either direction as time goes on.

To put it in the words of Michael Rene'... 'The decision rests with you'
(From an olde B/W classic Sci-Fi movie 'The Day The Earth Stood Still')

[TxKimberly]

As it happens, I just covered this in a PM to a friend here, so I can save a little typing! <G>
Yes, my wife knows all about me. I told her about two weeks into our marriage (this was 20 years ago). We were married up in Tacoma Washington when I was stationed there in the Army. Shortly after we were married, I got shipped off to Germany and so we took a trip across the country to see our families before we went. We thought it sounded romantic and so we took this trip by train. All the way from the top of WA to the bottom of California where we visited my family, and then on to Louisiana where we visited hers. I don't know if you've ever been on a long trip on a train or not, but it's up close and personal for a long time! Long story short (I know, it's too late to make it short) about three days into the trip I couldn't stand not being honest with her. Here I'd promised her that I would share the rest of my life with her, and trust her with my heart and soul, but I was hiding something so significant from her. It is one of my clearest memories how I sat there literally shaking, with my teeth chattering, while I explained what I was. She looked at me and then came over and hugged me and said something along the lines of "it's OK, don't worry about it".
Since then, she has gone through phases where cross dressing was fun, it was just OK, and "knock it off, I don't want to hear about it".
Through it all, she IS my very best friend, and though I'm not very religious, I do thank God for her on a regular basis.
Now - WHY didn't I tell her first??!! To understand the reasons behind this, you have to understand what life is like for a man, and particularly as a cross dressing man. At least when I was younger, there were no support groups available, there was no Internet to tell me I was far from alone, and OMG. my life would simply end if anyone found out. I kid you not, I recall quite simply knowing that I would HAVE to commit suicide if anyone caught me. I am not trying to be a drama queen, and I am not exaggerating. When I was in my 20's, I fully intended to suicide if I were ever caught. So, you take this ultimate fear of being caught, of everyone knowing your a freak (don't flame me girls, this is the way I felt back then), and more or less the end of your life as you know it, and then ask "Why did you not tell your girl friend before you were married"? It's like a rock and a hard space. You have a woman that means the world to you, a woman you would jump in front of a moving train to save, but you know you should tell her something may destroy you in her eyes and send her screaming. You have to, you can't, you have to, you can't . . .
In my life, I've been shot at, I've been on a plane that filled with smoke, I've been in half a dozen car accidents, and NOTHING came close to the terror I felt when I told my wife.
Sorry, I looked up and see I've written a book here. But you asked . . .
Kim

[Calliope]

In many, many cases CDs figure a new relationship, especially a marriage, will 'cure' them of their need to dress. (Yup, there are exceptions.) And often the thrills of the new sexual and emotional life put a cap on the dressing.

It can peak out, though - I remember how much I loved to shave my sweetie's legs (very accomplished at it, I was) and got a real jolt from buying her pretty dresses; all that, of course, is totally transparent.

And often, once the ardor cools and each member of the couple get around to doing their own thing (even once in a while), well, there it is - that core. And, eventually, the core pushes through.

[Babette]

Glamourgirl,

Like so many others, my desire to dress started at a very young age. As a matter of fact, I actually don't recall my first experience but I do recall the ever present but repressed desire to act, and the occassional, "shall I try this on while nobody is around."

Now for the nitty-gritty. I had to "come out" fully to myself before I could take it to my wife. I was living in denial about this and really hoping it would go away. Was I afraid telling her? Absolutely!!!! I was affraid of losing my best friend for (at that time) over 20+ years. Just as important, I was afraid of rejection and humiliation.

Timing my talk with her was carefully chosen and it actually became a progression of events that is likened to taking baby steps before running. I certainly did not want to scare her away. She was a bit confussed at first but she began to read and learn about it. Now she says that she better understands my personality from the day we met and absolutely does not want me to change. I can honestly say we both have a lot of fun with it. But through all of this, we have an understanding that I will be her husband, her protector, her best friend, and her Babette.

Do I have regrets for not telling her sooner? Sure, but situations were much different 30 years ago and I'm not sure the level of understanding would have been the same.

I do hope that you can find a degree of happiness with your situation. Please let us know from time to time how you are doing.

Take care.

Babette

[TxKimberly]

I had meant to say this in my post GG. What you are doing here is precious to all of us, and certainly to your husband - you are TRYING. By your simply trying to understand and (I hope) accept us, you give us all a gift that we need. Thanks and hugs!
Kim

For the non-GG's who are married:

Did you tell your wife prior to getting married about your CD'ing or after? If after, how long after? If you did, what prompted you to tell her?

If you haven't told her, why?

I guess I am just looking for insight into why guys wait to tell their wives and what finally gives them the push to do so.

My husband didn't tell me until we were together 7.5 years. As I told him the other night, I never suspected he was CD'ing, although I did come home to him dressed up 2 weeks before we were to get married and since that day I never trusted him and thought he was possibly gay. I was always paranoid (thinking he was cheating on me) and often blamed myself for his lack of interest in me.

When he finally told me, I tried to be accepting for maybe a few weeks, but then he got a little too self obsessed and what I thought and felt got put on the backburner again. I tried to join online support groups, but unfortunately the attitude of the women were for me to get over myself because he would never change and that if I didn't like it, I needed to divorce him. So that's when I just shut down and flipped out on him. I really felt betrayed that he brought me into this and had been lying all this time. I was mad that he didn't tell me before we were married because I know I would've never married him. Which, obviously, is the most likely reason he never told me.

Anyway, that was 3 years ago that he told me and it was only until 2 weeks before this Christmas that I decided to try for him again. Really, it was my boss he can thank because my boss is gay and told me his story about having to hide his true self and being in denial. It made my heartbreak and that's when I realized that I was doing the same thing to my husband in regards to his CD'ing. So I love my husband and want him to be who he is....although I am quite terrified after reading some of his posts/replies here.

Enough rambling...just looking for your thoughts so I can understand all of this better.

[Diann]

As it happens, I just covered this in a PM to a friend here, so I can save a little typing! <G>
Yes, my wife knows all about me. I told her about two weeks into our marriage (this was 20 years ago). We were married up in Tacoma Washington when I was stationed there in the Army. Shortly after we were married, I got shipped off to Germany and so we took a trip across the country to see our families before we went. We thought it sounded romantic and so we took this trip by train. All the way from the top of WA to the bottom of California where we visited my family, and then on to Louisiana where we visited hers. I don't know if you've ever been on a long trip on a train or not, but it's up close and personal for a long time! Long story short (I know, it's too late to make it short) about three days into the trip I couldn't stand not being honest with her. Here I'd promised her that I would share the rest of my life with her, and trust her with my heart and soul, but I was hiding something so significant from her. It is one of my clearest memories how I sat there literally shaking, with my teeth chattering, while I explained what I was. She looked at me and then came over and hugged me and said something along the lines of "it's OK, don't worry about it".
Since then, she has gone through phases where cross dressing was fun, it was just OK, and "knock it off, I don't want to hear about it".
Through it all, she IS my very best friend, and though I'm not very religious, I do thank God for her on a regular basis.
Now - WHY didn't I tell her first??!! To understand the reasons behind this, you have to understand what life is like for a man, and particularly as a cross dressing man. At least when I was younger, there were no support groups available, there was no Internet to tell me I was far from alone, and OMG. my life would simply end if anyone found out. I kid you not, I recall quite simply knowing that I would HAVE to commit suicide if anyone caught me. I am not trying to be a drama queen, and I am not exaggerating. When I was in my 20's, I fully intended to suicide if I were ever caught. So, you take this ultimate fear of being caught, of everyone knowing your a freak (don't flame me girls, this is the way I felt back then), and more or less the end of your life as you know it, and then ask "Why did you not tell your girl friend before you were married"? It's like a rock and a hard space. You have a woman that means the world to you, a woman you would jump in front of a moving train to save, but you know you should tell her something may destroy you in her eyes and send her screaming. You have to, you can't, you have to, you can't . . .
In my life, I've been shot at, I've been on a plane that filled with smoke, I've been in half a dozen car accidents, and NOTHING came close to the terror I felt when I told my wife.
Sorry, I looked up and see I've written a book here. But you asked . . .
Kim

Tell us more But by the way I told both wives before I was married it did't matter they both resent me for it.

[Jenna1561]

Glamourgirl,

Others have covered many of the same reasons why I did not tell my wife until 20 1/2 years of marriage. I dressed most of my pre-teen and teen life at home in secret. I got out on my own for a few years and was able to dress as I wanted when I wanted; then I decided to go to college and living on campus curtailed my dressing, but it was their in my fantasies all the time.

I dated, for friendship, companionship and male validation. I met my future wife, we dated and got married. I hadn't dressed in a long time and like many others thought that marriage and available sex would cure me. It didn't.

After awhile I started trying her clothes and of course the fantasies of being a woman continued. We had four children and I kept my secret and was extremely cautious.

Then at about 42 the urges got stronger, the need to dress and present as a woman strengthened and continues to strengthen. I incorporated many pieces of feminine attire, jewelry and even makeup into my daily life. I finally had to tell her the truth. The hiding and deceit was becoming unbearable.

So, last July 4th, I told my wife. She doesn't like it, doesn't want to talk about it, would prefer to behave as though she didn't know. Life goes on. I feel better that I told her and try not to put it in her face. I wish I had confided in her many years ago.

That's my story in a nutshell.


Jenna

[Glamourgirl GG]

Thank you everyone for being so open and honest.

Him finally telling me that he was CD'ing does explain a lot of behavior over the years and sometimes I wish he would've just said, "I'm not cheating on you--I'm crossdressing!" lol. At least I wouldn't have been so angry all of the time thinking that I wasn't loved.

I think I have a lot of fears about it all, but still like I said, I am here because I want to understand. It's also very weird for me to share the same message board as my own husband because I am so used to keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. At least prior to the last few weeks, our communication skills were weak at best. So even for me to undo 10 years of just keeping my true feelings in is kind of weird...but in a very good way because communication with him is all I have ever wanted.

I have to say that the one thing I have gotten out of the last few weeks is something I have always wanted in my relationship with my husband, besides communication, but that he is really becoming my best friend. I had never felt that way prior to a few weeks ago, but even though I am really scared I seem to love him even more. I like this new side of him...not the dressing exactly, but that he let's the walls down and emotionally connects with me. I feel more confident that I can tell him things and I feel slightly more confident that he will be truthful with me and help me overcome my fears of some things. I'm just nervous that he won't be able to stick to the "ground rules" of sorts I have asked for and take things slowly with me. I'm also nervous that when he is not dressing, that the communication will also wane and it will almost push me to beg him to dress just so that I can have my best friend back. Maybe I am being silly, but I guess I am not sure what to expect.

[AmandaM]

I told my wife after three months of dating. She said, "So?".
I was completely prepared to walk away if she didn't like it. Tired of hiding it I suppose.

[noname]

For the non-GG's who are married:

Did you tell your wife prior to getting married about your CD'ing or after? If after, how long after? If you did, what prompted you to tell her?

My wife fortunately, found out when I did. I didn't know myself until after I was married. I was open an upfront about my feeling long before I ever bought / wore anything. It's worked out pretty well for me, and I think she understands as much as she can.

As for him lying to you. It's more self defence, after all you might leave him. Perhaps he married you hoping it would all go away?

[Kimberley]

Hi Glamourgirl and WELCOME!!!!

This is really a multipart question with double edged answers, just as your own perceptions would appear to have deceived your feelings. So, before I go on, I want to say that you are to be commended for first of all, reaching out to him and secondly, for coming here to get educated. Both are critical to your marriage.

I told my wife after about 15 years of marriage. It was not taken well, then or now, so to keep a long story short, I am closeted. I identify as TS but will not transition. What really makes this difficult for me is the fact that she is a licensed and practicing counselor.

Why did I not disclose earlier? The answer then is the same as now. Love. Perhaps more succinctly, the loss of love. We live with all the negatives of being TG but they can be summed up in 3 words; Guilt, Shame and Fear. They are self serving and cyclical. They are also destructive. Breaking the cycle requires that we “come out”. It is a huge leap of faith. If it is accepted we can heal and become who we truly are, that being the sensitive person we always have been, only hidden behind masks and walls of protection. These same walls also retain the guilt shame and fear. It is a hell of a way to exist. I say exist because it is not living.

Coming out is also traumatic for both parties for opposite reasons. For the CD it is freeing so we tend to overdo it in a big way. Usually with a bit of negotiation this can be avoided though. For the SO it is tremendous uncertainty about her own sexuality, appeal, and a host of other factors that all lead up to a lot of unanswered questions and insecurities. Of course the big one is the deception. We are damned good liars. We learned to be out of self preservation. Don’t hold it against us but once out of the closet, the deepest secrets are revealed and you will discover your partner anew. Consider the loyalty and support you will get by supporting your CD. The sky is likely the limit. This applies at all levels both material and spiritual.

This existence lends itself very well to a host of other problems both physical and mental, the worst of them being suicide, and the most common, depression. Sound familiar? Depression in and of itself can lead to a host of other symptoms including a lack of libido. I would suggest you get educated on this one quickly. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/ It will likely answer more than a few questions.

The incidence of gays within the TG population is the same as the population at large. Your husband is in all likelihood 100% heterosexual. I use the term transgendered here in its broadest sense because we are all transgendered, just to greater or lesser degrees. The other and just as important thing to remember is this. We are fiercely loyal, way beyond what most men in most marriages would tolerate.

The transsexual is not the norm within the transgendered population. We are a very small minority. Not all transsexuals go to full transition. Again only a small number of the TS community go this far. All of us want to, but most choose not to for any number of reasons; all of them valid.

Although it is a point of debate, I do not ascribe to the line of thought that one becomes TS. The TS knows they are without being told because it is all about feelings. The “awakening” if you will, can happen anytime and is horrendous for most of us. Sometimes the individual may not know they are TS until this occurs. Again, we are a very small group of a much larger population.

Being transgendered is not a choice. We have no control over this in any way shape or form. It cannot and will not go away; ever. By coming here, you have made a commitment to learn and to adjust your life and marriage to accommodate his. Even so, this has to be negotiated to limits that are acceptable to everyone. They must be adhered to.

I am going to leave it here. I urge you to talk to your partner, cry together and more importantly, laugh together. This can be a very rewarding experience for both of you if you have the right approach; one that is open and healthy.


Kimberley

[Country girl]

Glamour Girl GG, if you didn't already know, we have a forum for GG's only. Once you have 10 posts, and you are close, you can join that forum. The gurls on this side have no access to it, so it is all just for us. You will find the GG's wondefully supportive and very available to help in anyway they can. Good luck and hurryup and get involved with the GG forum. CG gg

[steffany]

I told my wife before we were married....and thats almost 20 years ago.
I told her because I've always had the greatest respect for her and I felt she deserved to know. Was I worried.....of course I was - I had no idea how she would react. Being the loving and caring person she is, she took it in her stride and assured me she loved me anyway - regardless of what I like to wear.
Telling her was one of the best things I did. I didn't break any trust, I haven't lied or had to sneak around behind her back. We've had a wonderful marriage thus far, and I look forward to at least another 30 years....hopefully more.
Advice on this subject is very hard to give and I wouldn't like to advise anyone on whether or not to tell their SO.....all I can say from experience is that I'm glad I revealed my secret before we were married. The fact that it worked out well for me though certainly doesn't mean it will work out for everyone, and some of the stories in this thread have certainly been testimony to that.

[Stephenie S]

I told my spouse before we were married. She promptly "forgot" about it. She said later that she thought it would all go away. Of course, it didn't go away at all. She has been pretty accepting about it. I have to giver her a lot of credit for that.

Lovies,
Steph

[Wendy me]

Glamourgirl well lets try this .... OK i never told my wife before we were married .... why? good question fear?? passable but i think more so that i relay was not sure of who or what i was ... and i did OK at times repressing this cding thing but it would always pop out and get stronger each time... i think i never told her in the beginning because i relay did not want to admit that i was "ONE OF THEM" lol but as things progressed and i learned more i accept more of who or what i am .... and i think she kinda thought that something was off a bit...like 15 years in a row being some girl at Halloween ...

now i do everything excise and i know my wife is afraid of this too ... that this coding thing could get out of control and we have talked abought it some .., i am sure she is thinking that in her mind .... that in it self could be scarring her .....

any way i came out and told her what she already knew and she kinda freaked some but not that bad .... trying to work on it but we are coming along slow....

hey give your self a ton of credit for what your trying to do and understand that in it self is huge ... hang in there it all takes time........