New Year's Blues

[Tommie Rae]

On New Years’ Day 2006, my wife told me that she had been seeing a counselor for some time because she could not come to terms with my cross dressing. She had been thinking about moving out and leaving me for a while. She also told me that she was never really in love with me - and we have been married for almost 38 years. She also said she liked having the house to herself and she liked it when I was out of town because she needed more physical and psychological space. In addition, she told me that she was attracted to other men and wanted to experiment with having sex with them. She said she had been unhappy for several years and thought she might like to live by herself. This broke my heart, but I managed to hold our marriage together for one more year. On New Year’s Day 2007 she essentially told me the same things, only this time she said that for several months she has been crying herself to sleep.
I asked her to take at least a month to see how she adjusts to her new job and see if she still feels the same way. She has not worked for over 10 years and her new job is a great opportunity for her. She said that she has talked to several of her friends about her situation and they have all told her that she is probably crazy. We have a great life, I treat her very well, and she never has to worry about money or emotional support from me. I have always been there for her in all her ups and downs.
I have never involved her in my cross dressing and I have managed to contain it to fantasies and sometimes looking at (but not buying) clothes and shoes. It’s not easy, and I think about it a lot, but my marriage is really important to me. I have always been faithful to her, and except for one episode that I know about, I assume she has been faithful to me. However, I feel that I deserve to be married to someone who really does love me, warts and all, and who will remain faithful to me. I love her very much but I don’t think I can take much more heartache. I’m considering asking her to leave if, after a couple of months at her new job, she still feels the same way about me and our marriage.
This whole thing did not hit me as hard this year because I’ve had a year to prepare myself for this. She has never said the words “I love you” except in response to my saying them to her. She has many moments of sadness and anger and I have always given her the space she needs to work it out and the closeness she needs to know that I will always be the one guy she can count on in her life.
I know a lot of you have been through a lot of emotional turmoil, and if you have any advice I would like to hear it.

[Kate Simmons]

It sounds as if your wife has some issues other than just your crossdressing. She may, as you say, need some space.My wife no longer lives with me because of this but she seems happy now and so am I. I love her dearly and always will but I do, indeed, have to be myself.I don't know where it's going to end up and am just taking it a day at a time. Like you, my CDing has driven a "wedge" between us that seems unmovable. It has forced me to take a long hard look at myself and who I am. I now know who I am and have a good idea where I am going. It would be nice if my wife and I could do this together but it seems it was not to be. You have to deeply search your own feelings for what these things mean to you.I respect my wife for who she is and her feelings but can no longer deny my own.These situations are heart wrenching to say the least.In the long run you are the one who knows your situation the best and what the feelings involved are.We can advise and support you but the final decision remains your own. I wish you well my friend. Ericka

[Diana West]

Definitely sounds like your wife has several issues. And it doesn't sound like it is going to get any better.
Let me add this from personal experience. In my youth, I fooled around with many a married woman. What I learned was I was never the first nor last man they fooled around with. They always said something like "I never loved him, but he is a good 1)man, 2)provider, 3)father, 4) husband 5) fill in the blank."
I wish I could offer something positive. But my experience has shown me otherwise.
I truly wish you well.
But as stated above, "The final decision will be yours." All we can offer is support.

[Billie Jean]

As bad as this is going to sound, it may be time to let go. This may not be what you want, but would you want to stay with someone who doesn't love you? This was pretty much the situation I had with my ex wife. She said she had been unhappy for several years and although she loved me she wasn't in love with me. It took me awhile to get used to the idea. I honestly now think it was better for the both of us. Time can heal the wounds if you let it. Good luck to you whatever happens. Billie Jean

[Amanda Jane]

38 years? / you broke the average for sure / nothing lasts forever, it just don't / 38 years is a lot more than most get / people change, they change a lot over 38 years

[Leasa Wells]

I am not sure i read this in your post but have you asked her to go to counseling together. Have you thought of just you going its always good to get a professional opinion.

Just

Lisa Lee

[Janelle Young]

When your wife tells you.... "she was attracted to other men and wanted to experiment with having sex with them." it is a pretty good guess that this past year she has done just that. As harsh as this may sound I think it is time to look for a lawyer and go your separate ways.

[lilsissy]

First of all, congratulations on the 38 years. Life takes it's turns, people change, and I agree that there may be deeper issues than just your dressing. My ex knew about my dressing soon after we met, and for 5 years was a willing participant. But other realities intruded on our marriage, and I think that she used the "You're not man enough for me" line as an excuse to cover up other things. She was pretty cruel and uncommunicative toward me at the end, but again, I've come to realize that she had other issues that she was unwilling to share with me. Her problem, not mine. You sound like a good person who deserves to have happiness, and trying to salvage a marriage that's gone bad is only going to bring you more sadness. Move on, life's too short.

[RobertaFermina]

Life has put a heavy one at your door, dear.
I sense your great heart and great heartache.
I sense you are the kind of soul that grows through adversity, and you will soon need a new wardrobe.

I wonder if the idea of you crossdressing is triggering her to feel as if you have become less of a man, and after being married to *her* for 38 years. I wonder if she therefore feels she is less of a woman.

Kind of like "what did I do wrong" that some parents ask themselves when their children come out as gay, or transgender.

If she dated, and had sex with other men, then she would be validating herself as a woman. She may feel wounded in her feminine identity and seeking healing or "restoration" in the arms and bed of someone shee sees as a "he-man."

She may perceive a difference between an awesome husband, which you are, and a "man", which you are, and which she may no longer be able to see.

If enough of this is true, then open hearted communication, perhaps facilitated by a counselor, may help.



Roberta

[marie354]

I've been through something simular with my first wife many years ago. Whenever I'd tap her on the rumpus, there was alway an excuse... I've got a 1) headache 2) bellyache 3) too tired 4) not in the mood. I could go on and on with the excuses but I'm sure you've probably heard them all too. I finally started sleeping on the couch to see if things would change and she'd come to me. Nope, nada, nothing happened. I won't go into all of the details, but she used the crossdressing as the excuse, even after I had put it away that last year, and didn't dress when anybody was around. I'm afraid the same thing has happened to you my friend. I hope that I am wrong about this though and you can work it out, but as was said earlier you both may have to seek professional help.
This is only 1 person's opinion and the decisions still are yours.

[Lanore]

To me, your wife is looking for an out and your CDing is what she's going to blame it on.

Lanore

[Glamourgirl GG]

Honey I have no advice, just wanted to say I was sorry to hear of your pain.

[Tommie Rae]

Thank you all for your advice and support. Yes, we have tried counselling for several years but my wife doesn't want to go anymore. She is tired of being told that she is the one with the problem - infidelity, non-acceptance, etc. After some discussion we are probably going to be separated fairly soon, and that seems like at least the beginning of a new life for each of us. We both want each other to be happy and we don't want to feel bitter or resentful. She has to work out her own problems about love and sex, and I need to come to terms with what I want out of life and love. I will definitely see a counsellor for some professional support and guidance. It's good to know that you folks are here for people like me-Thank you.